Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Check Me Out! I'm Mailing It In!

Considering the fact that I have no intention of watching that pile of shit they try to pass off as a highlights and analysis show over on HBO, I guess I will at least go ahead and finally make good on my promise to say a little something about that little footballing contest that occured between my glorious San Diego Chargers and the unfortunate Cincinnatti Bengals.

I have a soft spot in my heart for this game for a very special reason. It made me look like a freaking genius! I mean, that game and the way I totally called it are the only reason I didn't cut myself from the program earlier today. Let's hit on some of the important points of genius I displayed, shall we:

1) Chad Johnson will tear into our decimated defense. That wasn't too hard to call, but do you all remember how I've been saying since the Ravens game that any team with a decent O-line and and a strong passing game will have a field day with us*? Look, I don't mean to say I 'm happy to be right about this one, I'm just saying I told you so. Anyone who claims not to enjoy saying 'I told you so' is a fucking liar, and it is perfectly acceptable to punch such people in the face in lieu of a verbal reply. Seriously, go ahead and try it, and when the jury doesn't convict you-cause no jury would-I'll be waiting outside the courthouse to say I told you so. Anyhow, let's hope that Wade takes heed of this little warning of a game and comes up with a tourniquet for that badly hemorrhaging secondary.

2) The Chad Johnson thing won't matter because the Bolts are gonna go all Air Coryell on Cincy. No offense to Drew Brees, who did some fine things here, but isn't it nice to have a QB who is able to see more than 11 or 12 yards down the field? I know a lot of you in fantasy football world are bummed that Anotonio Gates is about as valuable as your average LJ Smith or Heath Miller these days, but you should have grabbed Marques Colston. I swear the reason that guy gets a TE designation on yahoo fantasy is because Drew Brees is his QB. I still love Gates, and nobody gets those tough first downs, but our young receivers are solid, and we finally have a guy who can showcase their potential. By the way, since I'm tooting my own horn here, kindly remember that after the first or second game of the year I posited that Malcolm Floyd was the real deal in that bunch**. Had himself a fine little day receiving, didn't he?

3) You will have fun watching this game. And maybe a heart attack. Check and check. Okay, so prediction one plus prediction two essentially equals prediction three, but it totally ties the whole thing together and since I suck at predicting games this season, I'm going to go ahead and take any instance of being right and run like the wind with it.

"But Colossus," you're probably saying, "you missed the biggest prediction of all. You never mentioned LaDainian Tomlinson going off for four TDs against the Bengals." To this I say, good point and go fuck yourself. I've only been calling the gut The Best Ever for, like two years now so it should be a foregone conclusion that I expect him to score four or five TDs in every game. So there, as you can see, I pretty much wrote that game down on a postcard and mailed it to the commisioner early last Friday. How kick ass am I? Send me money. Go Bolts!!!

* If you don't remember me predicting that, go check the archives, ass faces.

** Seriously, I'm not going to go check them for you. Get onit, lazy bastards!

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