Chop, Chop, Chop-a-roo!

First things first, Shawne Merriman dropped his appeal and will begin to serve his four game steroid suspension now. This is actually day-old news so I’m giving it to you on the cheap, but honestly, if you didn’t know Merriman was going to do this in order to play in at least one Denver game then you are probably very out of touch and/or too stupid to read this anyway. That’s okay, that’s why we put up so many pretty pictures. Get well, soon, Shawne (I’m going to go ahead and try denial at this point). We’ll miss you, big guy!

Before I get to this week’s cut I want to offer a little update on last week’s cut. In case you don’t remember, last week I cut parents. More specifically, I cut sports parents. As you might have guessed, this left me tickled pink when this gem of a story hit the press. It seems that Drew Brees’ mother has been using her son’s likeness-in a Chargers uniform no less-to plug her run for some sort of political office in Texas. Too bad Drew claims that his relationship with his mother is basically nonexistent since he refused to hire her as his agent six years ago. Pretty selfish, Drew. Did I say selfish? I meant hilarious. My bad.

On to this week’s cut. This week it’s any semblance of sanity in the NFL. How can a guy even justify trying to pick games anymore? Nothing makes sense. Sure, you can try to hang your hat on the Colts or the Bears, but don’t forget that both of these teams have tried hard to shit the bed at one point or another in the season. Desperate comebacks were necessary against juggernauts like the Titans and the Cardinals. The fucking Cardinals, I can’t stress it enough. Worst team in the league. Or are they? They have beaten the Niners, who then beat the Rams, who in turn have taken out Denver, who took care of the Patriots a while back. Wrap your head around that shit. Two weeks ago, everybody in the league thought the Raiders might very well go 0-16. Sunday they won their second straight and it was against the Superbowl Champion Steelers. The Steelers suck right now you say, but they thoroughly dismantled the Chiefs the week before the Chiefs handled the Chargers and the Seahawks consecutively. The Hawks have already beaten up the Giants, who came back on the Eagles, who have handled the Cowboys but fallen to the Jaguars, who couldn’t stand up to the Texans, who then fell to the God damned Titans who nearly beat the Colts. Are you spinning yet? Parity? You bet your ass there’s parity. Or do you? Because even after all this insanity, there are 12 teams with less than 3 wins and 9 with 5 or more. That really does seem to be evened out at all. This sort of stuff is supposed to cause a rift in the space-time continuum. Hopefully it will send us back to 1985 so we can all watch the 85’ Bears again, since they are being remembered very fondly these days. Some might say too fondly. Wait, I think I’m thinking of a wormhole. Maybe the universe will implode due to a paradox Back to the Future II style. Wait, no, this isn’t a paradox at all. It’s just weird.

So, I’ll just kick back here with my Ryan Leafian win percentage in the local pick’em pool and try not to drool on my keyboard too much. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still throw out my misguided attempts at predicting footballing outcomes. I will probably just refer to coin tosses and which team my mom’s dog seems to like more often than usual. Good luck to the rest of you. Just kidding.

I just read that back and realized I really don't have the power to cut insanity, but imagine the good I could do if I were able. Anyway, I'm not changing it now, so here's a Stacy Keibler Maxim photo shoot to make up for my hubris.