Tuesday, October 19, 2004

Does Gonorrhea Burn Like This?

I promised myself that I wouldn’t dwell on this timeout thing. Then again, I am the one with the opinion here, albeit biased and maybe a bit judgmental. In our little politically correct don’t judge lest ye be judged world, ef off. I am judging this one because quite frankly this situation cost us a game, and it has been a constant thing for some time now, and it makes me want to go head first into the bolt cannon in the midst of a scoring blitz and let the cannon master play rapid fire.

There are some things that have me speaking like a stuttering nine year old with Tourette’s at times. First and somewhat less apparent this year have been the stray bullets that the “Skipper”(for now) has sprayed like a group of disgruntled high school kids, in trench coats, angry at their teachers. That problem has been addressed and needs no further commentary (for now). Second has been the timeout situation. This team, (this year, last year, the last year before that, and you get the point) looks more confused than Jessica Simpson at the National Spelling Bee. Seriously, do we need to dumb down the playbook Pop Warner style? “Hey Drew, throw it to Antonio, you know who Antonio is, throw it to him once he runs past the little orange sticky uppy thing in the corner over there.” No we can’t do that, what we do is call timeouts, so everyone can have a safety wipe and some can get a fresh diaper like a bunch of Pee Wee’s who dumped in their game gear, leaving none for critical situations like oh, the end of the game, or God forbid a challenge on a controversial play.

Fourth and goal from a few yards from the Promised Land, down by four, no timeouts, roughly six minutes and some change and we kick a field goal, a useless field goal without any timeouts. No way to stop the clock. Read that again. No way to stop the clock, against a quarteringback that runs like I had a cat who shits feathers stuck up my nose during allergy season. Atlanta effectively ran six minutes off of the clock to end the football game when we had no more timeouts. I can’t even begin to express the feeling I was having as this was happening on Sunday. I was freaking out during the first half when the same thing was happening. Chairs were being thrown, the Patriots fans were laughing at me, we had talked about timeouts all week on the post, on Saturday night we talked about them again. They knew to watch us burn timeouts. Timeouts were burning like hookers crotches in San Francisco, in both halves. WE LOST THE GAME BECAUSE OF IT!!!!!! I have to stop now, my heart feels like it might explode and I smell smoke…

Now that I have vented the radioactive gas and avoided complete meltdown, I want each and every one of you, yes, all three and a half of you to watch us burn timeouts this weekend. It had better not be a consequence again or you might be reading my obit here at this site on Monday. “Man Perished Due to Severe Chest and Skull Explosion Following Timeout Debacle during Bolts Game, Possibly Even Soiled his Pants”

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