Three times this week I referred to TBE as Natrone Means. Then it occurred to me; that is exactly what the problem is. Norv is coaching from a 1995 media guide. I can see him speaking to himself in his big empty head: “Big, goofy white quarterback with lots of heart? Yep, that’s definitely Stan Humphries. So why can’t this Means kid break a tackle up the middle? Says right here that’s our bread and butter. I’ll have to have Junior and the Sheriff have a sit down with him, cause if he doesn’t start bowling people over soon I’m going to have to give this Ay-Ron kid a shot.”
Once again our Bolts approach a game that could very well define what sort of team we really-oh, fuck that! We may never know what this team is. Be that as it may I honestly believe, for no explicable reason whatsoever, that the offense goes apeshit crazy on the vaunted Jacksonville D this weekend. Seriously, I think Rivers will be accurate, efficient and essentially mistake free this week. I think TBE will find plenty of room to run and Gates will be...well, Gates. I think we light it up a la 2006 and everybody gets a big boner for what may become of the rest of the season. Of course, I also believe that the defense gives up about 300 yards rushing again, but they’ll make enough big plays to pull it off. Not a moment too soon, either, because the Shit Ponies are starting to realize that being a piss poor football does not necessarily mean you aren’t allowed to show up for the post-season. Bolts 37, Jag-offs 27
As for the rest of this week's games, what the hell? I’ll make some picks, but no fucking spread because gambling is the Devil!
NYG @ Detroit
Seriously, I have no fucking idea, but don’t you sometimes wish Eli Manning was your QB?
vaGiants 38, Lions 20
Cleveland Rox @ Baltimore
Hmm…How’s Cleveland’s kicker? That was appalling last week Ravens, you’ll get no love from me. Also, you suck.
Browns 24, Nevermores 6
Tampa @ Atlanta
I know they won last week but it actually just took me a few seconds to remember where the Falcons play. Defense is okay, though. This game is going to suck.
Bucs 14, Falcons 13
Oaklangeles @ Minnesota
After last week, I don’t know if I can ever pick the Raiders or the Bears to win a game again. For the Raiders at least AP is hurt, or this could be a serious blowout. Instead it will just be regular ugly as far as games go.
ViQueens 13, R8rs 12
KC @ Indy
I don’t know…Colts, I guess? The Chiefs are a game out of first and switching to their rookie QB. That worked great for the Broncos last year. Still, the Colts are awfully banged up. Still, the Chiefs are stupid.
Colts 28, Chiefs 14
Miami @ Philly
Could this be Miami’s week? Probably not. Will John Beck give them the spark they need to get off the schneid? I said “Probably not.”
Eggles 34, Fins 14
Arizona @ Cincinnati
It is impossible to correctly spell Cincinnati without spell-check. Fuck you, Cincinnatti!
Cards 30, Bengals 22
NO @ Houston
Who knows which Saints team shows up? But the Tehans are way too Tehan to win this thing.
Saints 31, Tehans 23
Carolina @ Green Bay
Favre vs. Testeverde in a battle for the ages. Favre does not respect his elders and Teste can do not a thing about it.
Pack 27, Panthers 16
There, that’s the morning games, but now I’ve grown bored. Maybe I’ll do the rest before Sunday or maybe I’ll leave you hanging. Who knows? It’s my prerogative. Also, I know I said that gambling was the Devil, but if you were really good at math you could figure out from my predictions how I think teams will do against the spread and make a fortune and send me half. I guess, deep down inside, I’m just pure evil. And Rachel Bilson is as cute as a button.
A super hot button (That show Chuck is lame, though)! Go Bolts!!!