Friday, November 02, 2007

Here Comes The Awesome Bowl!

An event like this only comes along every so often. Two unstoppable forces colliding on the gridiron at this point in the season, with major playoff implications. Both teams feature a juggernaut offense and a stalwart defense. Superstars light up the field on both sides of the ball. But the real question is, at the end of the day, whose leader is truly the best the game has to offer. Philip Rivers or Brooks Bollinger? Ha! I’m fucking hilarious. You totally did not see that coming. You were all, “I know, is Tom Brady actually a more gifted quarterback than Peyton Manning?” Like it’s some Highlander bullshit. There can be only one!!! I think Tom Brady is the Kurgen, cause he totally sexed up Connor McCloud’s bitch. But then maybe Peyton is the Kurgen, cause Belichek is a cocky shithead like Ramirez and I know that Tony Dungy is definitely not Ramirez because I don’t think he’s tolerant enough to date a Japanese girl ( I may be thinking of Herm Edwards here, but honestly, I can't tell those two apart). Tony Dungy is way more like that guy with the machine guns who tries to break up the Highlander party in the alley and ends up getting some Kurgen fury in the form of a sword through the gut.

I’m getting off point here.

Let’s talk about that Colts-Pats match-up this weekend, shall we? Everybody else is. I watched Inside the NFL for the first time this season the other night, and while I was far too drunk to take adequate notes and summarize it here, I was sober enough to realize that if I had taken notes they would have gone something like this: They talked about the Colts-Pats for 45 of their 60 minutes of programming. And you know what? It wasn’t enough. This is a big game. It really is arguably the biggest regular season match-up in the history of sport. Talk away, football pundits. You’re not going to tell me anything I don’t know, but that doesn’t mean it’s not interesting. I know the waitress at the new bar where we watch football is "made for television" hot, but that doesn’t mean we don’t yammer on about it ad nauseum week after week. And it does not get old. This match-up is world changing. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself this: When was the last time I rooted for either of these douchebags?

Yeah, that’s right. You and 75% of the country are fucking perplexed by trying to wrap their brain around that one. Tom Brady has basically fucking pulled a Ronald Miller.

From loveable underdog to raging douche bag in 6 years. It’s not a record, but it’s impressive. Sadly, however, I am in awe of this Patriots team. And you know you are too. We all want Peyton and Co. to knock them off of their high horse (partially because we know the Colts won’t hang around undefeated for long), but we all know that it probably isn’t going to happen. Sure, the Colts can score with anybody, but I just don’t see how they can stop the Pats. I don’t know for sure that anybody can. Who do you cover? At any given time the following people can hurt you: Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Dante Stallwarth, Jabar Gaffney, Ben Watson, Kevin Faulk, Laurence Malroney, and Mike fucking Vrabel. And don’t be surprised if Belichek throws Teddy Bruschi, Junior Seau or Matt Light into the mix. And if none of those 11 guys are open, well then Tom Brady will just tuck that ball into his chiseled abs and sashay into the end zone himself.

Of course, this team does have an Achilles heel if you ask me. I just don’t know if the Colts have the personnel to exploit it. You have to sell out on the pass rush. You have to get pressure early and you have to get to Brady.

You’re going to get burned, but you have to prepare for the fact that holding this team to twenty-something points is your best shot at victory, so a couple early scores is not a horrible thing. The thing is, Tom Brady, under pressure, seriously starts to look human behind center. He doesn’t get hit much, so when he does it is a total shock to the system. He starts to hurry the ball and make mistakes. He did it last year against the Bolts, and that’s where the most important part of the lesson comes into play. You have to keep applying pressure for the whole 60 minutes. You don’t have to necessarily get to him, but you have to look like you might. No dropping 7 guys back into coverage. No fucking prevent defense, he’ll eat you alive. Sadly, I just don’t believe the Colts have the pass rushing LBs to give that all-pro Patriots line fits. You know who does, though. The Chargers. That’s right, we didn’t show you nothin’ in week 2, cause we’re saving it all for glorious post-season payback! Suck it, bitches, the Red Sox are gay!!! Pats 41, Colts 31

As for our own match-up this week, I have this to say. Being born and raised til the age of 4 in Minnesota, it’s nice to see a player like Adrian Peterson come along and make the Vikings somewhat watchable again.

Also, Brooks Bollinger nearly destroyed the Chargers last time we played against him, and he would have if not for a dropped pass in the end zone at the end of the game. Still, Minnesota is a pretty bad team in a horrid conference, so we should handle them without much incident. Chargers 37, Vikings 9

Now for some sad news. Stacy Keibler is, like 6’ tall and I’m 5’8’ish. Do you have any idea how much money I’d have to have to make that worth her while. Weak.

Fuck it, Go Bolts!!!

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