Saturday, December 29, 2007

I'm Givin' 'er All She Got Cap'n....

I meant to post this the other day, but unfortunately I fell asleep at work during the holidays and failed all of you faithful readers, but here I am back to the task ready to spew forth some wisdom. Sorry Max, but you are getting shoved down the page so that I may expound on this whole Denver and "Champ" thing...

Dear "Champ" Bailey,

It's not your fault. It's really not. I know that you are upset that a 'second tier' quarterback like Philip Rivers torched you like a home in Rancho Bernardo this past weekend. It's certainly not your fault that your mouse of a coach, no, rat, rat of a coach, Mike Shanahan, threw away your 2006 season, a season in which you only had 4 passes completed on you, by replacing the bearded wonder with Jay Cutler when you still had what some call "a shot" at the playoffs. It's certainly not your fault that most of your players were actually "shot" during the offseason, and your linebackers failed physicals and/or were traded as well. Jesus, have you seen the back of your helmet? It looks like a mortuary schedule board, and that was before they added Sean Taylor's number.

It's certainly not your fault that you have a running back that is better at toking the weed and impregnating women than he is at actually running the ball. It's not your fault he has more illegitimate children and suspensions than touchdowns,and that your offensive line is getting old and their cheating tactics are no longer tolerated. It's certainly not your fault that your quarterback might be the next coming of Brian Griese than John Horseface. And well, your punter. Your punter did steroids, pistol whipped and robbed an 96 year old lady after raping her, and single handedly sent the world spiraling into WWIII with his actions in Pakistan this week and got fired. Your new punter is awesome. I hope he gets a long term extension.

Nope "Champ". None of that is your fault. You are like the guy at the gym wearing jeans. The guy that asks you for a spot on every one of his 29 bench press sets, starting with the first one at 135 pounds, in jeans. "Hey bro. You think you can give me a spot on this?" Yeah, in jeans. That's you. Your mom named you "Champ", something you've never been, and you are talking shit about our quarterback talking shit as he was soundly defeating your "professional footballing squad" and I put that in quotes because that is the most recklessly I've ever used that term "professional footballing squad". If you don't like what Phillipe has to say, shut him up by bashing in his head after he completes another 32 yard pass to Chris Chambers on your "Champ" ass. Tell your mom that you actually hate her for titling you "Champ" and your brother "Boss". You both sound like characters in a gay porn movie starring two brothers that fuck each other to death. In jeans.

So, in conclusion "Champ". Shut the fuck up you sorry excuse for a cornerback. You and Dre Bly should go hang out where Darrent Williams got shot. Put on his jersey even, and hopefully the same gang that still hasn't been apprehended for his murder will put you out of your misery and your teammates helmets can look like a collage of the dead. Go to hell you pussy.



And.... hot chick.

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