Friday, December 21, 2007

The Sickest Post Ever. Believe It!!!

I’m sorry for posting so sporadically this season. I mean, can you tell how sick of writing this bullshit I am? Can you really?! But screw it, I shall persevere. Today I’m going to go here with a bit of an old Quick Hits gem with a picks combo that’s sure to rattle your sack. Let’s begin.

1) It’s been a great source of entertainment for me to watch people trying to hawk their tickets to Monday night’s game between the Bolts and the Shit Ponies. People were seriously asking for waaay over face value. They’ve come back down to Earth at this point, and I honestly believe you could attend this game for a handful of those awful Circus Peanuts hard candies before all is said and done. Come on, I mean, yeah it’s the Chargers. And yeah, they need to keep winning to avoid Jacksonville and put off the Patriots as long as possible. But the Broncos are just not compelling enough competition at this point to warrant sitting in what passes for cold in San Diego on Christmas Eve for three+ hours. Could they beat us? Stranger things have happened. Do I care? I guess. Did I feel an extreme sense of relief when I did not win tickets to this game in a work raffle I entered this week only so I didn’t look like a poseur Bolts fan? You bet your asses I did.

2) NFL Live on ESPN dedicated no less than 15 minutes on Wednesday to the question, “Will the Dolphins rise up and upset the Patriots this week?” How it takes 15 minutes to say “no” outside of a drunken sexual encounter is beyond me. Well, the Dolphins are not really a first half of the season kind of team, and you can’t really say that the current Dolphins are much of a second half of the season kind of team. A last 3/16ths of a season team, though? Maybe.

3) Casual Charger fans are impossible. These are the people who have had season tickets ever since the glory days when Drew Brees took us to the playoffs three years ago. They know all the players names and they listen to Scott and B.R. on the radio, but they tend to be clueless in regards to the actual game of football. They sport LaDainian Jerseys and Lightning Bolt Beanies and they chug Miller Light and throw Drew Brees stats at you in the bar because you had the balls to fork over $40 bucks for a knock-off Rivers jersey and the fortitude to keep wearing it when the mere sight of yourself in the mirror makes you start to choke. They come to your office and they tell you how we’ve returned to total domination the day after the Bolts managed to pull their heads out of their asses for five minutes and beat what will likely be this year’s best team not to make the playoffs. Then when you say, “Hey, you know what? I was pretty happy with the way we decimated the Lions yesterday,” they start regurgitating back to you everything you’ve been telling them for weeks. “Rivers is too inconsistent at this point in his career to handle the offense Norv is trying to run.” “The O-line can’t handle a solid pass rush for some reason this year.” “I’m pretty sure I saw Quentin Jammer lift Brandon Marshall’s wallet on one play.” They say it like you’ve never mentioned it and it takes you a while to realize that Scott and B.R. must have mentioned it that morning. The only question is, “Who pointed it out to those guys?”

As for tomorrow’s game, I’m sure Shanahan would love to show the world he can still get it up as the sun begins to set on his career, but much like I’d like to prove I could ride a skateboard off a curb without breaking my hip these days, it ain’t happening people.
Bolts 38, Shit Ponies 20

Another reason to hate the Patriots? Sure, why not? They’re going to murder Flipper on Sunday. And Flipper was adorable. Now Zipper, that’s another story. He’s surly. Samkon Gado is no Zipper.
Pats 44, Fins 3

I take the Steelers over the Rams in last night’s game by a score of 41-24.

Browns roll Cincinnati because I just spelled their name wrong for the billionth time (thank you, spellcheck) 52-38

Giants beat Buffalo because new rookie QB Edwards is no better than old QB Losman 27-14.

Those are the only games I know of off the top of my head so that’s all you get.

BONUS CROTCHETY OLD MAN RANT: What the fuck is up with skinny jeans? Come on, white teenagers of America! You can do better than that. You look like a bunch of fags. Even the wiggas are laughing at you. Hmm, maybe I’m just jealous because I can’t wear them. As my good friend Erik pointed out to me in front of a classroom full of people in the eighth grade, I have a black man’s ass. It was traumatic at the time, then I felt blacktastic, and now it’s just sad.

No pictures, they take time and that sucks. I may post Christmas gifts this weekend so check back if you care. If I don't see you over the holiday it doesn't mean I don't like you, but it sure doesn't mean I do. Merry Christmas, losers. Go Bolts!!!

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