Dear Philip Rivers,

How are you? I am fine. You seem like a very nice person on television. You are clean cut and you seem honest and I would totally let you date my sister if I had one. You seem as though you would make an excellent salesman or, perhaps, bartender. I bet you are a very good listener and I imagine you are very trustworthy. Unfortunately, I think NFL quarterback may be just a bit outside you skill set. Well, whatever, a lot of people never even made it as far as you have and that is something to be proud of. Anyway, good luck in whatever you decide to do

Your friend,
Maximum Colossus

P.S. You stink.