T-Minus 60 Hours...

First of all I’d like to say, holy hell Christ, those chicks are ridiculous. I’m glad that they are the utmost of Bolts fans. You are wonderful Miller Brewing Company. I love you.

Second, much thanks again to the Maximum Colossus for keeping tabs on little minute details like linebackers with a history of police run ins collecting bullets from Junior College Campus Patrol. Note to Coronado and/or whoever is in charge over there, ummm, attempted murder of starting linebackers by Juco Security Detail at 4 a.m. is not a good way to ingratiate yourself with our fans. For payback, I’m taking my dog to your beautiful beaches after feeding him nothing but Ass Fire Chili, and let him defile your wonderful sand the only way he knows how…

And now for what matters… Division Winners and the standings, with no thought, research or education, straight from the gut instinct. This is neither binding nor accurate, so if I come out with any sort of success, my genius is confirmed…

NFC East
Washington 10-6
Philly 9-7
Dallas 8-8
Pussies Version 2.0 7-9

NFC North
Really, who cares?

NFC South
Carolina 12-4
Tampa 9-7
Breesy Bushies 8-8
Screwed Coaches 6-10

Note: How screwed is Atlanta? Mr. Herpes obviously can’t get the job done, it’s year 6 now, how long do you let this experiment continue? The backup out there is more than competent, but if you pull the HPV that is the starting ringleader, the town will go all riotous on you and you might in fact be killed. I’m sure the staff will sleep well this season…

NFC West
St. Louis 11-5
Arizona 10-6
Seattle 9-7
Fuck Ass Urine Town 3-13

On to the Conference that matters.

AFC East
New England 10-6
Miami 8-8
Buffalo 5-11
Gang Green 4-12

AFC North
Pittsburgh 12-4
Kentucky Penitentiary 11-5
Baltimore 8-8
Doo Doo Brown 5-11

AFC South
Pussies Version 1.0 13-3
Jacksonville 9-7
Longhorn Failures 7-9
Didn’t Trade their Pick 3-13

And Finally…

Our Beloved 11-5
Donkey Molesters 10-6
Kansas City Jets 9-7
Commitment to Suckitude 3-13

I’ll lay out my playoff scenarios and predictions soon. But, lady and gentlemen, football is officially back and I for one am a candidate for extra strength Ritalin right now…

My picks for the weekend coming soon. *not to be used in any way for gambling…