Friday, September 15, 2006

It's Your Lucky Friday! You Get A Girl And A Story! Hurray!


That Scarlett Johansson is a saucy little minx, isn't she? Now for the bad news. Here comes the cussing.

Welcome to the first installment of, “What the fuck happened to Inside the NFL? I swear to God I nearly kicked a hole in my TV last night. One of my great joys in life used to be sitting back and watching the Thursday night show. Especially when the Chargers are good. Especially when the Chargers are winning. I was skeptical when they dropped guys like the pleasantly spastic Jerry Glanville and mafia thug Nick Buoniconti for the low watt duo of Dan Marino and Chris Carter. I nearly folded my cards when the brought in imperial suck-up Peter King. But I persevered because I still liked Costas, loved to hate Chris Collinsworth, and could never get my fill of their amazing highlight reels, which always showed angles on key plays that no network camera hack could ever capture. The voice of Harry Kalas, while he’s no John Facenda, wrapped the whole thing together in a nice tight bow. Good, quality stuff. Well, after last night I will only watch this show to mock and ridicule it until whatever woman who is running that outfit completely buries it. I knew it was bad when Costas, who has become a caricature of himself while tenuously grasping his youth (Sorry, Bob, you’re looking old), prefaced the whole affair by explaining the new format or philosophy or whatever. You’re going to see less highlights. Not all of the games will be covered. Your team needs to perform their way into Inside the NFL. You see, they want to bring out the more human element of the game, so some of the highlight match-ups are going to contain the story inside the story wrapped up in the- Oh God, whatever, we’re fucked. Here’s what you may have missed.

The open the highlights with the Steelers-Dolphins game. As I’m sure you can guess, the big story inside the story(SIS) there is Dante Culpepper’s amazing comeback from a severely shredded knee. The massive rehab. Learning a new system. This is football. Oh wait. That wasn’t the SIS at all. The SIS here is Bill Cowher’s effing daughter. How growing up every Sunday was take your daughter to work day. About how she was just the most adorable armchair QB ever, and how even now she is rabid in her love for football. This went on for about 5 minutes before they actually show any of the game. Then, after every Steeler play they have to show darling daughter’s reaction up in the box! F YOU, COSTAS!

Apparently, the Saints-Browns game was highlight worthy, cause it was in there. What a load of Bullshit. Yeah, yeah, Reggie Bush. Go to Hell. They showed the Ravens beat the crap out of the Bucs. I’m sure that was Peter King’s pick. He loves that asshat murderer.

Then they did a Pat Tillman memorial. Sort of. Actually, it wasn’t a memorial at all. It was Peter King trying to get Jake Plummer to say he hates the government. It was all about the “cover up.” About how devastated everyone was to have learned the TRUTH. Am I the only one in the world who thinks that we’d all be better off believing that Tillman died storming a hill for his country, instead of knowing that, unfortunately, he died due to the sad reality that in combat, sometimes things don’t go exactly the way their supposed to. But the media needed everyone to know the truth. They needed their own version of a hero. Someone who’s story made the government look as bad as possible. I get the feeling no one will be happy until Bush comes out and admits that he shot Tillman, in the Oval office, because Tillman was a super secret agent for Democracy who was about to blow the lid off the great oil conspiracy once and for all. Sorry to get all political on you, but Inside the NFL started it. F YOU, KING!

On to the next SIS, Kevin Mawae’s brother died. In Iraq. That is sad. I genuinely feel bad for Kevin Mawae. I would be devastated if my brother were killed. But honestly, to intersperse “highlights” from the Titans-Browns game with 5 minutes worth of Kevin Mawae talking about his brother was a pretty big downer. Especially considering they lost the damn game. Hey Inside the NFL, why don’t go for the old paper cut and lemon juice treatment while you’re at it?

Now for my favorite part of the show. The Retard Face-Off, where Dan Dan the Isotoner Man Marino and Chris Carter (I have no nickname for Chris Carter at this time, but I’d like to point out that he is living proof that you can spend over a decade in the NFL without garnering any workable football knowledge whatsoever) debate the critical NFL issues of the week. Ooh. Nothing too surprising here, other than the fact that both of these knuckleheads were savvy enough to agree that it is unlikely Bill Parcells will sit Drew Bledsoe after one off week against a solid Jacksonville D. So there you go fantasy geeks. Don’t start Romo, Bledsoe’s getting another shot. Also, I was a bit in awe at the confidence with which Danny Boy picked Seattle to represent the NFC this year, despite their rather unconvincing 9-6 yawner against the LIONS. Thank God Pittsburgh won Thursday or Marino might have had to dig into his bag of original thoughts for his Superbowl picks. Kidding, no such bag exists.

Just to twist the knife, they finish up the highlights with Philly beating the tar out of the Texans and went on to show their week 2 picks, but only for about 6 or 7 games. Gee, I guess they want you to go their website to see the rest. After a two minute diatribe on who knows what by the oh-so-grating Lewis Black, the show ended and I was ready to go wash my toaster in the bathtub.

In closing, they only showed highlights for about half the teams. Included in those highlights were clip from games involving such compelling teams as the Browns and the Texans. So, unless your team includes Reggie Bush, one of the Manning brothers or America’s favorite murderer, don’t bother tuning in to this horse shit. Of course, I can be sure to see Charger highlights next week, because if Steve Foley isn’t the SIS, I don’t know what is. I can't believe that Chris Collinsworth is the best thing about this show.

Quick prediction based on the fact that the Titans can’t possibly be any worse or even as bad as the Raiders: Chargers 34, Titans 16. Go Bolts!!!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ain't no crying or bitches in football, except those big titty bitches dancing on the sideline.

Anonymous said...

the buddy ryan stuff in the week 2 show was pretty amusing. Other than that, inside the nfl is dead 2 me.