Friday, September 29, 2006

Four Hot Girls To Offset Four Big Douche Bags. Fair Is Fair.


This week’s edition of Inside the NFL Ran Over My Dog began predictably, with the floundering four lamenting that they did not have to time to properly show every news station, sports news station, news site, sports news site, news blog, sports blog, sports news blog, celeb gossip blog, this blog and your blog how to properly cover TO’s attempted suicide and subsequent cover-up. They did manage to get in a quick clip from TO’s press conference, which the whole world has seen a thousand times already, and a few seconds of prayer to ask the Lord to keep this story topical for another week so they can tackle it on the next show. This story won’t keep, though. For some weird reason everyone, including the police, is kind of saying, “Well it didn’t really happen quite the way we said, so let’s drop it. It’s a non-issue.” And in the biggest head scratcher ever, the media seems to be more or less buying it. But what are our boys at INFL saying? They all seem to pretty much agree that TO probably wasn’t trying to kill himself per se. Costas and Collinsworth think he needs to be psychologically evaluated, while Carter obviously prefers to give TO the benefit of the doubt. Marino goes into his usual in depth analysis and uses the word circus a bunch of times and now, thankfully, we can move on.

Time for our first big Story Inside the Story. This one’s a doozy, so strap in and get ready ,cause we’re about to drop some big time family drama on you. Last Sunday was the battle of the Hasslebeck brothers and mom and dad were there. I know, I know, they’re not the Manning boys of Hazzard county, and in fact Tim doesn’t even start, but come on. Tim is married to the cute little conservative chick from the View, so give him some credit there. Of course, she wasn’t there so I have to assume the either she’s filming Survivor All-Stars right now, or they’re on their way to a messy divorce. I’m just saying is all (Seriously, WTF does that phrase mean?). So Don Hasslebeck is about as boring as his kids, and momma has somehow managed to avoid gleaning any football knowledge out of being married to a former pro tight end and having two sons quarterbacking in the NFL. Christ lady, one of your sons won the Superbowl last year. Effing officials! They both talk about how hard it would be to root for this game if both kids were starting, and I’m thinking there is no need to ever worry about whose team you’re going to have to go see on Sunday folks. But if the vaGiants ever make the big game dad will be there on the sideline making some sort of comment about how Tim needs to turn his hat the right way. That is classic dad stuff!

In keeping with the boring theme, Costas and one of the other guys sits down with Lavar Arrington in the studio. Lavar seems like a nice enough guy, but please. Most of the interview is spent talking about Jeremy Shockey’s comments about poor coaching last week. Arrington admits that such comments can be detrimental to the team, but then goes to the oh-so-original “intense competitor” card. Then he says he believes that, when healthy, Shockey is the most prolific tight end in the game, and I have to go watch the rest of the show in the other room because I have accidentally hucked my shoe and jammed a lamp through the living room TV.

New Orleans vs. Atlanta. This one turns out to be a kind of mini SIS, with a couple of short clips of what the Average Joes they talked to last week felt about the win Monday night. Blah blah blah. During the highlights they leveled this amazing praise on Drew Brees. “Brees was efficient…” Wow. The fact is, though, that’s it. Brees has always been just efficient. Likeable and efficient. New Orleans is a feel good story unchallenged, but the funny thing is, the defense and special teams are really the ones handling this thing. Bush has had flashes, and Brees is there, but honestly, when your special teams block a punt and a field goal and your D shuts down a red hot offense, you don’t need a lot from anyone else.

Pittsburgh vs. Cincinatti. Time for vindication, because Carson Palmer hates the Steelers for what they did to his pa-I mean leg. The honeymoon is over for Big Ben, and after two bad games I think we can safely assume that he will never be good again and the starting job in Steelertown is Charlie Batch’s to lose. I wonder what Bill Cowher’s daughter thinks.

Carolina vs. Tampa. God damn you, Steve Smith. If you go out there and prove that one wide receiver can truly be the difference between shit and a championship caliber team, do you have any idea what it will do? I’m not sure either, but I know it ain’t good. Ass. Also in this game, Chris Simms spleen came out, which leads us to…

Collinsworth and the idiot brigade going over the role of team doctors. Collinworth points out that Simms had all of the classic symptoms of a spleen injury and yet they continued to let him play. He doesn’t really get into the fact that these are also the exact same classic symptoms of being a quarterback who’s been running around for three hours getting hammered by 300 pound men. Ultimately, the brain trust decides that there should be a team doctor and a player doctor on the sideline for every team, because what’s funnier than watching two doctors beat each other up on the sideline? Nothing.

Now Chris Collinsworth sits down with Carson Palmer, and I realize we might possibly escape this episode without a Peter King piece. Ooh, don’t jinx it! Anyway, Chrissy gets all up on Palmer’s taint while comparing his don’t tolerate bullshit attitude to that of three time Superbowl QB, Troy Aikman. Tom Brady has dibs on Montana comparisons so don’t even go there. Then they talk about “the play that everybody’s seen” while actually showing the play, just in case you’re not one of everybody. Here comes the tear jerker card, as they interview all the family members of Julie De Rossi, who was killed by a drunk driver and whose ligaments were used to repair Carson’s knee. What’s on tap for next week? Chester Taylor grew up next to a dog pound and had to listen to them euthanize puppies all night, and now he adopts all the puppies and takes them to children’s hospitals for the terminally ill children to play with. Hurray!

Now for some picks. Bengals-Patriots. Marino loves Brady and Belichek, while everybody else picks the Bengals and Cris Carter reminds us that after last weeks poor performance, the honeymoon is over for Tom Brady and he will never be good again. It’s time to bring in Matt Cassel, who ironically reminds coaches of a young Steve Young. Later Brady. You were always too pretty anyway. Go take you place on the Chiefs.

Back to highlights. Minnesota vs. Da Bears. Here’s the problem with this season of INFL in a nutshell. They claim to be dropping some games from their highlight reels in order to tackle human interest stories within the game, but then they spend five minutes highlighting a 19-16 game with only two touchdowns. After every play, some random player comes onto the screen to tell us exactly what we just saw. Is that for your female viewers?

Green Bay vs. Detroit. Who? Cares?

Washington vs. Houston. Pretty much the Clinton Portis show, and I can live with that. He’s fun to watch and I have him on my fantasy team. Has anyone noticed that David Carr is quietly putting up some very big numbers? Oh, right. Peter King has.

Time for the retard face-off. I don’t even know why they bother with this stuff. It’s all a big dumb joke that isn’t funny even if you totally get it. The first question is if the Texans could build a time machine, should they go back and get Reggie Bush? Whatever. The second question is who on the show said the Detroit Lions would have a tough defense this season? Ha ha, it was Chris Collinsworth. You’re the dummy-head, Chris. Question three is whose spent more time in custody, the Bengals or the cast of Goodfellas? I don’t remember ever hearing about anybody from the cast of Goodfellas being arrested, but I’ll take you word for it, you idiots. Last question: How will Dan Marino react if Brett Favre breaks his touchdown record?...I hate you, I hate you I hate you INFL!

Indy vs. Jacksonville. And there you have it, both Mannings, and Reggie Bush are 3-0 in highlights this year, with Ray Lewis losing his perfect season. Maybe next year, Ray. The big story in this game is Maurice Drew-Jones. Not because he had, like a million yards from scrimmage, but because he’s married to a man. Of course being the modern day kind of gal he is, he chose to hyphenate rather than give up his maiden name. You go, girl!

St. Louis vs. Arizona. Wow, Kurt Warner. 12 turnovers in 12 games? Your honeymoon is long over, you’re in about the 8th year of marriage and your wife is about to start looking for some strange. And you St. Louis? Not pretty. I’m looking at you Marc Bulger.

More picks. Carter fellates Ray Lewis and picks the Ravens over the mighty Bolts along with Chris Collinsworthless (Woo! I was saving that!), while Costas and the one-thought-wonder make the right choice.

Only Costas is smart enough to pick the Superbowl champion if not for the damn officials Seahawks over the Bears. They’re about to repeat, dumb-asses!

And we’re out. Before I go I would like to make a prediction for next week’s show. Even though no one will even be talking about TO anymore, you can rest assured that INFL will bring in Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura, Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. McDreamy and Neil Patrick Harris to analyze the shit out of the whole situation. And I’ll be there watching that crap festival just so all of you don’t have to. That’s just the kind of friend I am. Go Bolts!!!

1 comment:

CJ said...

You are doing the Lord's work by summarizing the gay pornography that is Inside the NFL so that we don't have to.