Week Two Surprises...

Ask and ye shall receive. Week Two Ballyhoo comes and goes with little a fire in the belly of the beast called revenge. Anticipation was running high as we embarked on the epic battle that was supposed to be January early. Saturday freak accidents brought early morning appointments with crutches and a prelude to another Bolt collapse. Well, not really a collapse per se, as at some point you must be in a football game in order to crumble in such monumental fashion. Am I disappointed? Not as much as I would have expected.


What happened on Sunday Night on National Television was not completely out of the realm of possibility. You see, when the team killed me (yet again) this past January, I was looking for any positive branch in the proverbial happy tree to grasp ahold of as the ground came rushing warp speed at me. To no avail, there was none. Ask and ye shall receive, first we rehired the Elder Statesman that no one in San Diego apparently thought was completely competent to run the football team. Go elsewhere said Lord Sith A.J. and a month after his rehire, "The Incompetent One" was given his outright release. His replacement, a perennial underachiever who just hadn't managed to play shitty cards properly during the tenure of his career. No matter decreed Lord Sith, "He will obey." When the prevailing reasoning behind the new hire is, "Not even he can fuck this up.", you might find yourself wanting in the future.



Thus brings Sunday. What went wrong? Besides 'everysinglefuckingthingunderthelights' of Beantown? I'm not here to breakdown every single bust of the game. That would take far too long and I'd sprain eight digits typing all of the expletives. What I saw, from my casual, and most objective chair, was a pathetic display of a tremendously outcoached, outmatched, outplanned and outexecuted Pop Warner football team. Ask and ye shall receive people. Ask and ye shall receive. As Joe SuperBolt turned to me as the clock struck zero and the light bulbs were burning out on the New England side of the scoreboard from overuse, and declared how much better off we were without ol'Schotzy at the helm, all I could do was choke back the tears. Tears of laughter. Not even ol' Norvy can fuck this up huh? Good Work A.J. I can see where this road leads. And no, I'm not jumping from the top rope of the sofa to land on the panic button like some are. In two very significant football games in our pre pubescent season, there has been no semblance of the former Superpower of a football team shining through. Same players, new bad as ass unis, recycled shitty head coach with no plan.



How can one person ruin my Tuesday? Conversation with Long Time Raiders Fan led to this exchange**:

LTRF: "I think the Chargers might be in trouble."
Me: "Why?"
LTRF: "I've seen that system before in Oakland. It sucks."
Me: "Oh fucking great."

I never thought that I'd long for a day of Schottenheimer coached football, but damned if Norvy's little program here is sound. I'm not writing it off as it is week two, but, much progress needs be made and quite quickly or this will not in fact, "Be our year."



Compounding all of this was the first loss of the Madden '08 Prognostication Wagon. In a defensive struggle, the Bolts prevailed on Saturday night by the squeakiest of 96-85 Margins. Antonio Gates was unstoppable, as well as Randy Moss' 19 catches for 598 yards and 7 touchdowns. Madden be damned there was no fortune telling this night as the season now stands at 1-1. Hey Norvy, Video Norvy has you drummed in coaching skill, watch a tape and learn how to run an offense that is fronted by LaDainian Tomlinson, Antonio Gates, and has a rather functioning quarterback.

So Norvy, fuck this brand of football and get your shit together, otherwise as LTRF put it so succinctly, "Ol' A.J. will have to put a bullet in him." I wholeheartedly agree.

**Conversation with LTRF may not have been verbatim.

And finally, cheerleaders without scorn...

Week 1 Under Your Belt Fatty...

An uneventful week one came and went with what some call a "football" game being played. The Bolt faithful were out in full frontal nudity attack against the Cubs from Chicagoland. As predicted by many, the defending SuperBowlers were unable to handle the sustained attack of the defensive unit in their fresh new unis. Victory be ours in the virgin weekend of Footballing.

As it were, emotions flowed forth from many of those donning the yellow and blue in the greater San Diego area. Despite the attempts by many in our town, the alcohol ban had not yet gone into effect, and a riot free weekend was had by all. I watched as an objective observer, emotions in check, while others appeared slightly concerned at times. Although not a picture perfect performance, the rookie coaching staff persevered throughout as the Cub defense stifled the offensive attack of TBE and the gang. Antonio got first downs with the same frequency that U.S. Senators procure hookers while the rest of the offense remained rather stagnant. The backbreaking moment coming late in the game with LTD throwing yet another football to paydirt, and running for another to effectively execute the NFC Champs. Clock strikes zero and the win column is richer by a tally.

Although not entirely pleased with the week 1 representation by the home squad, I'm reserving judgement for now. It was not the day of the most polished footballing troop that I've ever seen, but rust and nerves can effect a young squad with new clipboarders, and well, they won. What the hell kind of tyrannical criticism can I levy during a win? Answer: None. My message to you: You are one win less dead to me. Hopefully this apathy will rinse away like sand from your tingly parts, and not require more serious antibiotic treatments.


Madden '08 Update

Thursday Night saw the debut of the season long Madden '08 Magic 8 Ball Prediction Machine, and a fierce battle was fought. Defense was at a premium as the game was never actually in doubt. Video Bolts armed with the General Max Colossus at the helm jumped out early and never looked back. Were it not for the explosive return power of Devin Hester, the 84-48 final score would have been more telling than the lightbulbs on the scoreboard indicated. Bolts cover the 7+ point spread and the over fell with little difficulty. Video Madden Magic 8 Ball Prediction Machine is running on all cylinders and is a perfect 100% for the 2007-08 season to date. Next up on the schedule, Thursday night, September 13th, New England at home v. The Bolts. Results posted shortly thereafter...stay tuned. There are still VIP box seats available for the price of box of High Lifes for those who wish to view the game in person. Hit the email link at the top for details...

Madden Bolts 1-0

Week 1 Report Card

Chargers: B-. That's not harsh, the defense was stellar, the offense was up against a formidable NFC foe, but needs to shake off the rusty nerves if they want to extract revenge on the Beantowners who had a hand in ruining my birthday.

CJ's Emotional Attachment: F+. Hey. Hey! That's better than the F-- defcon four level of hatred that was coarsing through my veins prior to Sunday afternoon. It's called progress people, fuck. Give me a God Damned break all right?

And now, cheerleaders...

We Put Power To Your Pants...

Blackout period be damned, we're back. And you know what? It feels nice to be back. The offseason saw the purveyors of this drivel taking the road show to Minnesota for a week of fun in the sun, drag races that bring the power to your pants, poker parties immitating hockey style fisticuffs and broken hands to boot. You want details? Of course you do, but you won't be getting them on the cheap. You want to know who Larry Dixon is? Google it fool. Cause I already know. Get with the times man, there is a whole lot of world your missing out there outside of our dear home town. You wanna know what happens when a Chicago Hockey team runs nonsense speak at our enforcer? I'll tell you what happens. People get their hands broken. Don't fuck with us. You been to the awesomeness that is drag racing? I have. Break loose of your chains you sheep, and go outside. That's all I've got to say.



Here we are a mere two weeks from the beginning of what will be a most difficult season for one of us here. You thought that I was prone to naysaying in the past? You have no idea. The Team, your team, is still quite dead to me with very few exceptions (LTD, you're cool). But, no matter my feeling towards the convicts that we no longer call Chargers, nor those whose mental mistakes (of which were plentiful) ruining yet another of my birthdays, I'll do my best to remain objective. By objective I mean a tyrannical level of criticism until I feel that something has been done well. How I've missed this so...

John Wayne was at it again this draft period and has further cemented his lore within the overmoistened loins of Mr. Canepa. The Godfather himself has already put his 2008 Super Bowl XLII trophy on his mantle and is busy furiously pounding his manhood in front of it. Apparently, this, and not last, is our year. We'll John Wayne Corleone, I hope you have that correct, cause the taste that is lingering from last year sure as shit hasn't improved. Nick might not blame you, but I do. You can't hide your failures with a new coaching staff or a few new draftees from me my foe. I've got my one good eye on you.

Now that the familiar weekly felating of our G.M. is out of the way, an old feature that does not appear to be losing any steam, you'll see some new things around here this year. From the aforementioned tyranny from my viewing perspective, you'll see some familiar bits, as evidenced by the first "Cut" of the year below, as well as the continuing berating of the "Inside the Suckitude of Analysis of Goodell the Gladiator's League", as well as the new "Madden '08" season long magic video game 8 ball predictor. We'll be playing out the schedule on a weekly basis starting with September Nine's opener against the Cubs. We'll play the game weekly, and report the findings and see what kind of prognosticator "Madden" really is. You don't like it? Ask for your money back and I'll be happy to refund your subscription fee. You still don't like it? Go take a leap into a firey drum of monkey semen, I don't give a shit what you think. File that away for posterity.

How 'bout some bullet points to round this post out in style...

*This Michael Vick thing is old. Michael 'Ookie, Ron Mexico' Vick is not the habadasher of evil the world of PETA would like you to believe. Criminal? Yes. Face of the changing NFL? Perhaps, along with many, many others who have commited heinous deeds in recent past. From Pac Man to Leonard Little, Rae Carruth to Ray Lewis, Chris Henry, and a laundry list of others, Mr. Herpes is merely the latest to fall prey to the temptations of the almightly dollar. Yes, killing dogs is inexcusable, and quite very wrong, but let's not sit here upon our high horses and cast stones at the indignity of others. I wonder how Mr. Herpes is going to like jail when Adam Jones walks free after biting a stripper for taking his money. All the while one of his boys paralyzes a bouncer with a 9MM handgun*** for reprimanding him for his actions. Strippers sometimes enjoy the biting I know, and sometimes apparently not. And don't get me started on Chris Henry and his underage drinking and vicodin binges with schoolgirls. If I have to hear Keith Olberman play the role of Moral Police one more time, I'll make it my purpose to choke on my own vomit. Now I'm getting off my soap box before the lightning strikes me retarded to death.

*It's Fantasy Football Masterbatory Management time again. Good lord it gets worse every year. I'm inundated with Dungeons and Dragons and it's fucking suffocating me to the point of nausea.

*Shifting gears, the Padres and Eric Byrnes can suck it. Beat it Byrnes, you're a tool. If I thought I could get away with it, I'd drown your stupid all star dog, but as we know from above, that would be wrong.



*I too will be admiring a trophy this offseason with the look of a prisoner with a vat of vaseline and a future copy of Scarlett Johansson's inevitable Playboy spread. The difference is I already got my trophy, and it only cost me one day of fun and debauchery in Minnesota. Hope you like jealousy Mr. John Wayne Corleone, cause my trophy is going to need an alcohol based high pressure steam cleaning when I'm done with it.

For now I'm out. I'll be back. We are all back, some of us more at half mast than others. Leave your mark, let us know what you like and keep all your dislikes to your fuckin' selves. It's going to be a long season, and we're more than ready to leave our familiar stink wafting from this pile.

*** May or may not have been a 9MM handgun. Sue me or look it up, I've got Scarlett open in another window and my 'date' is all naughty looking.

The First Cut Is The Deepest.

So I was going to Cut that kid from High School Musical, only there were two problems with that. First off, most of you probably have no idea what the fuck High School Musical is because you aren’t maladjusted whack-a-doos like me that actually tune in to Disney Channel from time to time. I only do because the sitcoms are much more like those I grew up on where the humor is not uncomfortable, the sexual commentary is not overt and the endings are always happy with a heaping helping of whacky. A simpler time, really. It's really no more childish than fucking Entourage. The other problem is, how can I Cut that kid without Cutting this kid?



Not only was this kid in High School Musical, he was in a freaking jump-roping movie. No shit. And what’s up with that hair? That’s an entire Cut unto itself. How is anybody taking that haircut seriously? I keep expecting that kid to step on, like 50 rakes.

Too easy. I’m digressing, regressing and depressing right now so I’ll just get to the real Cut.

For the first cut of the season, I’m going to go ahead and put the Kibosh on guys who insist on backing into parking spaces. Fuck you guys! I say “the guys” who do this because only guys do it. Only fat guys or guys who aspire to be like their fat guy fathers. Now I understand that backing your Ford F-150 into a compact size parking space is supposed to show the world that you have supreme control over your vehicular domain, but seriously, it hardly ever works out that way.



The other night I listened to my dipshit fat guy neighbor spend 15 minutes trying to back his brand new Nissan Titan (which also deserves a Cut because it’s a truck for douche bags) into his parking space. I seriously doubt it would have taken him 15 minutes to back out of his parking space if he had just pulled it in the right way in the first place. I want to call him a fucktard, but I feel that the word “fucktard” is way overused on blogs the world over. As is the word “blog.” In summation, fuck you if I and 50 other people spend 10 minutes waiting for you to back your poor excuse for a truck because it’s got a super king cab so the bed is only three feet long into a parking spot at the Murph on Sundays during football season this year. Fuck you in the goat ass.



Since I’m here, I’m going to throw down some Charger talk for a second. I know a lot of people have been wondering, if not worrying, about how Norvert Turner will do at the helm of our great footballing squad. Well, I’m here to alleviate your apprehension. From CBS Sportsline:

"Everyone is interested in a couple of other guys, but I really am impressed with Malcom Floyd," Turner said. "Because I think he is taking steps to be a complete receiver.”

I’ve been saying for a year that Malcolm Floyd is the shit. For one thing, he sure as hell would have dragged his toe in the end zone against the Patriots in January. I’m looking at you Big Vin. Anyway, if Norvy is nearly as insightful as yours truly, whoever wins the NFC probably won’t even bother showing up to face us in the Super Bowl. You know who definitely won’t be showing up for the big game? Arizona. Just ask their starting QB. Yep, that’s right, Matt Leinart has already planned a big Superbowl party in Arizona for the night before the game. That must just warm those Zony hearts. Way to go, Matt, at least your not buying into that “Sleeper Team” bullshit.



That’s pretty much it, but before I go, I ask you not to judge me too harshly. This chick got her start on the Disney Channel for Christ’s sake.



Also, Jesus was gay. Go Bolts!!!

Let's Get This Party Started.

Well, I suppose it’s time to dust off the cobwebs and get this little Charger football blog warmed up. Seeing as I’m the only contributor here who still enjoys football, it seems I would have my work cut out for me.

What I Did This Summer

This summer my friends and I got drunk on the beach. And we got drunk in bars. And we watched the Padres not hit well. And there was this one time where we totally played some video games. And CJ played baseball. And I totaled my car. And then I totally bought a new car. And I married this chick:

And by “married” I mean “masturbated furiously to pictures of.” Seriously, though, Lingerie Calendar? The Eagles are light years ahead of the field on exploiting their hot cheerleaders. All in all, pretty sweet summer, and while it’s not over yet, it seems that way because football is in the air. Annually, football mania resumes after that one signature hallmark event. No, not that pointless Hall of Fame Preseason Extravaganza that was fought between the New Orleans Whack-A-Moles and the Pittsburgh Team Of Players. I don’t know why I called them that, I’m kind of hung-over (see paragraph above) and it seemed like it would be fun to give the teams different names than that which they are normally known. And you know what? It was fun. Anyway, the event that signifies the imminent approach of the NFL season is, of course, the unveiling and release of John Madden football.



I know some of you are still pining for NFL2K, and I’ll admit that there was a time back in waning years of the last millennia when I switched for a brief 2 years over to NFL Gameday, but seriously, Madden’s developers had gotten lazy from a lack of solid competition and really just stopped trying to do anything more than change the rosters and the game totally sucked shit. Seriously, I’ve never had anybody come up to me and say, “Madden 99 was the greatest incarnation of Madden football I’ve ever had the pleasure of playing for thousands of hours rather than socialize with my friends and family or go to work or sleep or pay my bills.” I’ve also never stabbed anybody in the jugular with a letter opener either.



I’m not saying there’s a correlation between the two, but we’ll never know for sure unless somebody drops the aforementioned statement in my general vicinity. Wouldn’t it be weird, though, if it happened the other way around. Like I go crazy homicidal and stab some guy in the neck and as he’s bleeding out he’s all, “Madden 99 forever…” I think that would really cheese me off.

Anyway, my whole stinking point is that Madden in its present state is simply tits. 2007 was awesome. The Chargers were awesome on it, and they’re only going to be better, assuming the programmers didn’t include a fumble and go batshit crazy in the playoffs setting.



I look forward to humiliating my friends to the point where I’ll have to play online with twelve year olds because no one will sit in the same room with me anymore. And yeah, I’ll admit that a couple of my friends were able to, on occasion, steal a victory from the kid by plying me with a half a handle of Jim Beam, but it ain’t going to happen this year. August 14th is the release date and I’ll be living the lake life in Minnesota, so I’ll have to wait a couple more days, but then I’m totally getting it on with Veronica Vaughan. Well, maybe not, but you can imagine what it would be like if I did.



In other football happenings, Mike Vick allegedly shot, drowned, strangled and electrocuted something like 80 bitches. I think that would likely make him the most prolific known American serial killer if it turns out to be true. Take that, Juice!



As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Chargers did not bother to acknowledge that such a thing as the free agent market exists, and instead relied on the drafting abilities of GM and John Wayne/The Godfather Maestro AJ Smith. According to the local papers that should be just fine. Not only will our first three draft picks be three of the finest players to ever don the lightning bolt, the are three of the finest all around people with the most fabulous dedication to their craft and the most levelheaded approach to the game of football and the game of life. I’m not saying that the Chargers pretty much own the San Diego Union Dispatch Intelligencer Tribune, I’m merely saying that Canepa and Acee eat kibble out of little bowls on AJ Smith’s patio. I am optimistic about the new additions, and especially about the linebacker, Waters, we took in the third. This was another case of a guy who was projected to go much higher before injuries hurt his status. If he turns out anything like Luis Castillo or Antonio Cromartie, we may just have the steal of the draft there. Speaking of Cromartie, it seems he is giving Drayton Florence some serious competition for the starting corner position opposite Quentin Jammer. I hope he gets it, cause maybe if Florence isn’t starting CJ will stop being such a cocksucker about January’ playoff loss.



I’m kicking around the idea of getting a Chargers jersey this year. I’ve never owned an actual Chargers jersey before, and the time seems right. New design, good team. Heck, our QB looks good enough that I won’t even look like too much of a racist for buying the white guy’s jersey. I’d get Tomlinson, but I’d be afraid I’d lose myself in the bar on Sunday. The thing is, I don’t know if I’m a jersey guy. I think I might want a helmet. The new white helmet is dope.



And I wouldn’t be one of those pussy fans who displays their helmet in a case or some bullshit. I would wear the fuck out of that helmet. I’d be at the bar going, “Dude, you can totally throw a beer bottle at my head, I’m motherfuckin’ Shawne Merrman, bitch!” And then I’d run through a plate glass window. So, pretty much business as usual, but with a totally kick-ass helmet! I’d wear it to work Mondays and Fridays so everybody would know I was the most bad-ass Super Chargers Fan going, and my boss would be all, “I admire your dedication to your team, Maximum Colossus, here’s some money.” Sweet, I’m getting the helmet. Unless they’re more than about $40. I could probably get one of those inflatable ones dirt cheap. How much is one of those hats that holds 2 beers? Maybe I’ll just get one of those and draw a lightning bolt on it with a Sharpie. I can get a Sharpie from work, so it won’t cost me anything.

That’s all I have for now, but I’ve got pretty good cuts in mind (I’m looking at you kid from High School Musical!)



so maybe I’ll get another column up before the weekend. Then it’s off to the great Northwest for a week of boating, boozing and lying to Minnesota chicks about how much money I make. Sweet. Oh, and in case you haven't seen it, this could be some locker room fodder for the Bears, but it rules anyway:



Go Bolts!!!

Congratulations, LaDainian!

Even though I think the ESPYs are about the silliest awards going, TBE got some big love from the voters. Are there voters? I don't even know how they decide those stupid things, but rock on anyway, TBE!!! We didn't need them to tell us you're the tits, though. You already let us know every year.

The State of the Union...

After a prolonged hiatus filled with frustration, I'm back. It's time for the 'State of the Union' address here at the homefront. Since it's been a while and I know you've missed it.... it's Bullet Point Time!

* Entering today, the punchless Padres were a half game out of the top spot in the division. Friday marks the return of 'Dinosaur 24', bum knee be damned, he's back. What is he bringing back to the punchless offense of ours? .276, 1 (!) home run, 12 RBI. According to the Lord Sith powers that be, we'll have a better handle on the offense upon his return. I for one, cannot fucking wait.

* Michael Barrett has brought his incredible punching prowess to San Diego. People have been critical of his defensive abilities. After witnessing a few games of his in our home unis, I'm of no remorse to say, the guy can throw. Can't call a game worth a shit, I've seen it in person, but, let's look at the positives here: He can throw, and punch like a champ. I'll take it. Sarcasm is a bitch.

* Scott Linebrink has done his best to devalue himself on the open market over the last three games entering today's contest to ensure his long term future here in our town. I'm sure he loves the weather, but that Sunday to Tuesday run of his was one for the fucking ages. Thanks Scott, you used to be worth an outfielder, one with excessive speed (Carl Crawford) or one with exceptional power (fill in the blank), yet now you have reduced yourself to a corner bat boy and cash considerations. Thanks man. Please report to the coach's office to turn in your hat. Go sit in the corner, you're about as valuable as a feather paperweight to me right now.

* For those of you keeping track, and I know there are at least two of you, the footballing squad is still quite dead to me. I'm waiting for the resurrection, but I'm sure ol' Norvy is anxiously awaiting taking direction from Darth Smith directly into the headphones during the pending games. Oh, and there's that whole stadium and quite mobile team issue still stinking up the table. I'm sure ol' Sunroad will concede to the walking lawsuit Mr. Aguirre at any moment... what? That actually happened? Dammit. I'm sure I'm next on the docket for Deputy Sue Happy any minute now... great. Time to hide the guns I guess.

* Contrary to popular belief, the Red Sox fans were quite cordial this past weekend. If by cordial you mean, absolute fucktards, albeit with an apologetic tone after shitting on our town. And to the guy that was from Clairmont, donning his freshly unwrapped McBastard Town jersey, eat shit pal. I couldn't care less if you ignored the Padres growing up for the Red Jerx, there's no excuse for your existence in this town. Quietly pack up your shit and get out. You are useless here. Eat mule balls and put it on youtube.

* Switching to the positive gear, no one on the above mentioned footballing squad has been arrested or caught ingesting (accidentally, of course) illegal substances. There is still some time until training camp so I'm still holding out hope.

* To all of the media types (yes, I'm still harping on Canepa) who think that the Padres have turned the corner and that last weekend's series against the Bastards from Beantown was a 'World Series' preview..... .....


..... sorry, got stuck with uncontrollable laughter there... the Friars might want to prove they can win a first round playoff series before we start whipping it out and yanking it over the thought of the World Series. I'd rather think about something else. So I give you, Miss Megan Fox... Thanks, I'll be back soon.




... try not to care that she's currently letting David Silver of the 90210 years touch her naughty crumbs.

Huh. Weird.

You know how there are things you don't think you need or even want until you have them? Like, one year my aunt sent me one of those Sharper Image hotdog and bun toasters and I totally thought what a goofy contraption that I'll never need or use. How could I have known how wrong I was? Well, maybe the following will turn out the same, but I just can't see how.


I just can't figure out how some dorky wiggah is ever going to make me happy with an embarassing rap video about my team. I guess it's kind of cool if you turn the sound down, but as it is I can feel my disappointment turn to disgust. And when that happens, CJ has truly won. Go Bolts!!!?

Yeah, We're Still Around.

Hey CJ, suck on this!

In Case Anyone's Still Checking In.

My buddy just sent this to me. The music is kind of eh, but more than 7 minutes of pure brilliance more than makes up for it. I know I'll probably watch this about 100 more times before the season starts. You know, just to remind myself why I still love this team, even if I am still a bit disappointed. Enjoy.

E...I...O...P...What? That's not right?

Dear Mr. Gold Glove Mike Cameron,

I took the liberty for Bud Black of scheduling you for an appointment with Dr. Kawisch for an annual eye exam and perhaps a laser screening to aid you with your seemingly obvious vision problems of late. It's now that I find out about the good Dr.'s demise, so I've resorted to my backup plan. There is a burned out building behind a '68 Torino just outside the main plaza in Tijuana, Mex. I have it on good authority that there is a man there that does wonders for American corneas with just an exacto knife and some super glue. He said that he could fix your ojos up just right, he'll have your sentido back to normal in no time. It will be slightly disruptive, but he promised a short extraordinarily unbearable pain filled recovery that will be incredibly discreet. Think about it Mr. Gold Glove Mike Cameron, I'll be waiting behind the Omni with the car running to get you there and back before curfew.

Best regards,

CJ

A Night Of Good Signs

It's only one game, but 8 solids innings from Chris Young and an RBI triple from Kouzmanoff are nice to see. too bad it was the Nationals. Oh well, I'll take it. Let's see a little more of that dominance from last season, Young. And was that bionic face I saw coming around to score on that trip? Nice.

Gyaaah!

Randy Johnson won 17 games last year for the Yankees with an ERA over 5. Imagine what Peavy could do over there. This team is a run producing nightmare. For itself, not other teams. We've dropped to 4th in the division and sit dead even at 13-13. Not good, but at least we'll get to see some new faces. We won't see another divisional foe until June. It'll be interesting to see how the West stacks up this year.

Kome On, Kouzy!

Now I'm not particularly happy with the slow ascent of Kevin Kouzmonaff, but it's a little ricockulous that the UT pretty much blamed our 17 inning loss yesterday on him striking out for the last out of the game. If that was a good reason to send a guy up to Portland, Brian Giles should have been run out of baseball by now. I'm less concerned about the youngster than I am about Mike Cameron's complete offensive and defensive breakdown. Is this the second coming of Chuck Knoblach? I could forgive either shitty batting or shitty fielding, but never should the two meet. This guy should be the second best bat in our line-up, but at this point, while it's still early on in the season, I have to wonder if he'll get it back or if something has just snapped.

Feels Like Nothing Happened.

So, I guess I should say something, but I just don’t know what to say. What the hell is a Craig Davis? Well, giving AJ Smith the benefit of the doubt here, I’ll just go ahead and assume Davis is the best receiver nobody else was smart enough to take a look at. I guess Eric Parker won’t be catching punts next season, and I gotta tell you, I’m okay with it. Weddle is a different story in that I’ve actually heard of him which means people have actually been talking about him. If he walks in and immediately takes over at Strong Safety like people say he will, then I have no problem giving up 4 picks to get him. I’m hearing Troy Polomalu type ball-hawking and we could definitely use some of that. Of course, we could have just gone ahead and drafted Polomalu a couple years ago instead of Sammy Davis, but why rehash that old gem? I don’t really care about the rest of the draft. We got a LB, which is a bigger need than I think most people realize, and the rest of it was standard depth stuff so big whoop.

Now, about this Randy Moss bullshit. I predict he may have his best football seasons in front of him. He will be rejuvenated by Tom Brady and a balanced New England offense. That scares me. The Patriots barely handled the Bolts in the play-offs last year, and really had no business being there, but this year’s team could be a powerhouse again. They’ve made so many key pick-ups already and we’ve got basically the same team as last year, minus three starting defenders . It will be interesting to see what we do during the next round of free agency. I have a feeling we stand pat and that concerns me. Are we still the best team on paper? I believe so, but the competition is closing in, and we still haven’t translated all of that paper talent into diddly squat. I’ll give AJ the benefit of the doubt here as well, cause as much as the guys bravado turns me off, I have to admit he’s been right a lot more than he’s been wrong. But then, a certain other Genius GM of ours started out making a lot of good moves, before buying into his own greatness and destroying the Chargers for year with extreme draft day gambles and questionable personnel decisions. I don’t want to live through that again. Aaron Hayden? Brian Still? One shudders to think of it.

Look out, hot girl!!!



I'll always love me some Buffy. Go Bolts!!!

Understanding The NFL's New Code Of Conduct.

Thank you, The Onion.

The Draft Cometh.

Here we are a day before the NFL Draft and I suppose I totally care because the TV says I should and the Chargers’ BA GM AJ is a draft wizard of no less than 10 whole Dungeons and Dragons levels. I don’t have my PHB handy, so I don’t know what the correct title for a level 10 wizard is, but I can tell you that AJ’s Lightning Bolt does 10D6 damage and that ain’t bad.



But I digress. I suppose since we here at Super Chargers claim to pretend to be some doting football ya-yas it would be irresponsible not to levy some thoughts on The Draft “action” to come. I capitalize The Draft because, like I said before, my TV likens it to Jesus or something.

I’d like to start with the Raiders because, like our BA GM AJ, I believe myself to be a genius. I could totally fix that team. First you trade Randy Moss to Green Bay, who are ready to do just about anything to let Favre Bean go out in a quasi-blaze-a brushfire, if you will-of glory. I don’t care what you actually get for Moss, just get rid of him because he will never be able to handle the addition of Calvin Johnson. That’s right, fuck Jamarcus “Where the fuck did you come from” Russell. That guy has got Akili Smith, Jim Druckenmiller and Ryan Leaf type draft bust written all over him. Johnson probably won’t be as good as they make him out to be, but he only has to be half that good to be great. My TV tells me he might be Jesus too, which is starting to make me wonder why my TV’s all up in my face pushing Christianity and such, but whatever, I love it anyway. Back to the Raiders. Go future QB in the second round and use the rest of your picks on the O-line, with maybe a TE or a RB in there somewhere (I only know the names of, like the first ten guys that will be drafted cause I don’t get paid to do actual research, and fuck Rock 105.3 for making me endure back to back interviews with AJ and Peter King yesterday. And no, I couldn’t turn off the radio because I don’t have hands. Feel pretty big now, don’t you?). Lastly, deal something- ooh, maybe whatever you got from Green Bay- to Tampa for Jake Plummer. I bet he’d come out of retirement just to piss off Shanahan. Voila, 6-10 season. That’s good for the Raiders right?

Now the real deal. The Bolts. I see one of the four following scenarios- but really only the first two- happening.

1) Trade Turner to Tennesee for their #19 and probably nothing else. Hope Dwayne Bowe drops to 19, take the best S or LB sitting at #30. Probably Griffin or Poluszny?(Polish names, whatever.).

2) Don’t trade Turner because Tennessee won’t give us enough and AJ LOVES his supplemental picks (He’ll get a 3rd or 4th rounder after Turner leaves next year) and pick the best S or LB on the board (see above). The more I hear about how everyone says the Bolts need a safety or a WR in The Draft, the more I’m sure that AJ will take a LB. Motherfuckin’ John Wayne y’all!



Love that picture. So. Bad. Ass.

3) Trade Turner to Tennessee, package everything, trade it all to Detroit for Calvin Johnson.



4) Trade Turner and whatever else it takes straight to Detroit, cutting out the middle man, for Calvin Johnson.



Now, I realize that those last two are extreeeemely unlikely, but I want you to consider one VERY BIG factor. AJ’s ego. AJ’s has built a lot of goodwill through a series of outstanding draft classes. At this point he’s earned himself a mulligan if he does something seemingly crazy like giving up a lot for one guy. But the Chargers aren’t incredibly needy for new talent. The couple of needs they have could probably be well addressed after the first couple of rounds. But why would AJ take such a chance when it seems to go directly against what his previous draft philosophy has been? Because of LaDainian Tomlinson, The Best Ever. I’ve often documented my theory that AJ resents the fact that he did not draft the most outstanding cog in his offense and quite probably the best player in the game today. Sure, you could argue that Antonio Gates is a huge part of our machine, but AJ didn’t actually draft him either. Phillip Rivers looks good, and in my opinion will be exceptional, but it will take a lot to convince people he’s really any better than the guy he replaced in Drew Brees. If AJ gets Johnson, and Johnson really is Jesus like my fucking seriously overly zealous religious freak television believes him to be, AJ can finally say that he’s the reason we put up a zillion points every Sunday and that yours truly, Maximum Colossus, and others like me can get behind Canepa and wait for our turns to suck it! And I’m not a homo or anything, but I’d totally do it, cause I think it’s be fun to have a bad-ass stud receiver on our team like in the old Coryell days. So, AJ, do it. No, really, do it. Hot girls all around!



What can I say? I'm kind of having a butt day. Enjoy The Draft. Go Bolts!!!

Update: Okay, this is actually the most likely scenario, and I didn't put it here because I don't like it that much. AJ trades Turner to Tennessee. We swap first rounders and take Bowe or Ginn if he falls to #19. In this case we'd probably get a 3rd or 4th round deal as well and AJ really loves his middle round picks. That's where his genius shines, you know?

Also, don't be surprised if he packages that Tennessee pick and some others to move up 8 spots or so from #19 to pick up Landry. There, have I covered every possible angle yet? Christ, we'll probably take a Long-snapper cause David Binn is getting on in years. Sheesh, I'm not even going to watch The Fucking Draft. It gives me a headache.

Weak.

And the moral of the story is this, kiddies:

If your name is Jake Peavy, do not put up 16 Ks in a game. That's a losing recipe. Walk-off HR from Stephen Drew? Come on! It's becoming a disturbing trend that as the Dodgers go, so go the Padres. Let's show a little dominance here.

The good news is that the sporting world intends to let us fly under the radar all season. Seriously, show me one thing that's been written about the Padres anywhere besides a game recap. Good luck. Please be sure, though, to send me anything you find about the Yankees-Red Sox rivalries, the Cubs neverending woes, or the resurgence of the Dodgers. Seriously, I can never find a thing. At least forward me Barry Bonds' HR totals. Can't fucking find it anywhere!

Oh well, we'll see the darling Dodgers tomorrow. Let's finish off the Garter Snakes and go due some Dew in the Ravine. Go Pads!!!

Inability to Write Coherently Tragically Infects UT Writing Staff

This gem of a transcript from a Kevin Acee chat really ground my gears to a halt this morning. It's almost as if the UT is gone out and hired self serving Bolt fellating operatives in an attempt to rinse the disaster from the ranks of the Spanos Klan. It's rather infuriating.

Some 'What the Fuck?' excerpts:

"SouthPaw(Q) What is your personal opinion of Brandon Meriweather and do you think AJ Smith has any interest in him? I have him rated higher than Reggie Nelson.

Kevin Acee(A) i think most would have him rated higher than nelson if it weren't for off-the-field stuff. i don't think AJ goes there -- but a lot of times AJ takes a flier on character or injuries(Merriman, Cromartie) and it works out."

Uh, Merriman was busted however unfairly for steroids last season. Casting an enormous shadow of doubt over our 'character' combined with the multiple arrests by other personnel. Quite frankly, doesn't seem like A.J. really cares about character, let's not pretend he does okay Kevin.

Bolt_Power23(Q) The are some veterens still out there in free agency. Any chance the chargers bring in Eric Moulds or Al Wilson?

Kevin Acee(A) there is a reason those guys are still out there.

And that reason is what Kev? Insight, that's why I subscribe to the free internet feed.

Vegas_Bolt_Fan(Q) Asses the receivers. I think Jackson, Floyd, & Parker can get the job done. Will A.J. draft a WR?

Kevin Acee(A) They can get the job done -- they did in the second half of '06. also, remember that Antonio Gates is on this team. but they will draft a receiver in one of the first two rounds.

kelceyagraves(Q) i hope we throw 2 lt more this yr

Kevin Acee(A) throw to him more? how? are there going to be five quarters in games now?

Uh, no, there's not five quarters in games. And I think the answer is, "Throw to him more." Perhaps more touches in the second half of the New England playoff game? Any more of this and I'm going to fire this guy myself.

It's prediction time! Ludicrous prediction time!

MadForPlaid(Q) Kevin, give us your prediction on the Chargers' record (including playoffs if you believe we will make them again)!

Kevin Acee(A) 11-5

Wait...

kelceyagraves(Q) vegas has tha chargers at 5 ta 1 odds ta win tha superbowl----what do u think r tha chargers odds?

Kevin Acee(A) i'd never give 5 to 1 on a SB win. but 10 to 1. OK.

Wait...

czar(Q) care to predict how far we go in the playoffs?

Kevin Acee(A) too many variables. but i won't wuss out. super bowl. loss to cowboys.

Loss to the Cowgirls in the Super Bowl? Didn't he just say he'd take 10:1 on the Bolts, even though they're 5:1? Currently the Cowgirls are 15:1. He's a gambler that Kevin.

fred(Q) How the hell did we lose that playoff game against New England? What do you think is the number one reason?

Kevin Acee(A) the more i think about it: marty.

Mr. Acee, Mr. Smith and Spanos thank you for your work. Your bonus check is upstairs in their office, you are free to pick it up at any time. Please continue the fine work and don't forget your kneepads as Mr. Spanos' man part has been largely ignored by your staff of late. Thanks for your dedicated service.

Read the whole thing, there is loads of insight like, "That's what people I really respect told me." And all kinds of speculative work that is just genius.

Thanks for the laughs UT. You make this unpaid work fun.

Die, You Fucking Dead Horse! Die!

I just can’t beat it enough, people. Especially since Mr. Nick Canepa is going out of his way and working overtime to try to make head spin off it’s axis and fly off into deep space all Darth Vaderlike. First he hits me with another AJ Smith as John Wayne screenplay on Monday. Just read it, I don’t even have to try and make it sound funny or overtly homosexual.

Then it turns out I wasn’t the only one less than pleased with his jabs at TBE last week. Apparently, a horde of e-mailers and TBE and his people were not please by Canepa’s piece as well. It turns out that TBE was never even confirmed to appear at the Hall of Fame Event Nicky attended. TBE was, however, confirmed to attend another event entirely that evening. Well, our favorite suck-up sets things straight, basically saying-and I’m paraphrasing here-“This is what I said and this is why I said it and I don’t even feel bad for assuming the worst and being a poor journalist and all around shitbag.”

Don’t like being called a jerk, Nick? Stop being one.

Humility Has Arrived...

It's with the utmost humility and admiration that I present to you Mr. Nick Canepa's latest columnular masterpiece to all of our far too undeserving and pathetic souls of San Diego. We are all so touched by the hands of God himself lucky as to be educated with his universally accepted and unflappably competent words and thought processes. God Speed...

Masterpiece in the Tradition of All Who Have Come Before Us

Your fellating words are expected in our lowly comments section so that we may all benefit from the teachings of our esteemed Sensei.

Poetry Corner

Jason Schmidt is our bitch
Jason Schmidt can not pitch

Go Padres!!! Nib High Football rules!!!

Awesome.

So, I sent Mr. Canepa a personal note regarding his distasteful shots at TBE this morning. It read as follows:

In the immortal words of Popeye the Sailor, “That’s all I can stands and I can’t stands no more.” I’ve sat idly by for far too long taking in your AJ Smith publicity machine/lovefest with nary a peep, but I might remind you for all the “amazing” things AJ has accomplished as GM of the Chargers the one thing that truly drives “his” team is LaDainian Tomlinson. A player AJ did not himself draft. You might try to convince yourself that this would be the best team in football with a Michael Turner behind Philip Rivers, but don’t fool yourself. Michael Turner is a fine back, but LaDainian could very well, and in my opinion will, go down as the best to ever play the game. So to see you bash his character and his toughness in your piece today sickens me as a true fan of the San Diego Chargers. You cite no reasons for his absence and unless you’re holding back, you assume the worst. To assume the worst of the best is a poor example of “journalism.” In a piece otherwise decently written regarding the job that Jim Brown did at the event, the jabs at San Diego’s finest athlete and by all accounts one of our best citizens was wildly out of place. Kindly pick your fights elsewhere. I’m sick of it. You’re a jerk.

The glorious literary bastard had this to say in response:

Steve:

So I'm a jerk. Do you know me? Thanks for your kind words.

Nick

Well played, sir.

Fuck You, Nick Canepa.

I don't have the time or the wherewithall to get into this right now, but you don't want to miss this piece. TBE didn't show up for some Hall of Fame Brouhaha that he was advertised to attend and no one knows why apparently. Jim Brown took his place. Canepa was apparently enthralled with Brown's opinions and I'm sure that he was impressive. I've been a huge fan of Brown's myself ever since I saw him selflessly take on several aliens in a fist fight so his friends could fly away to safety. But is it really necessary for cockface to take several shots at TBE's character and toughness? Go find another town to plague with your bullshit, you hack! I'm getting sick of this shit.

Baseball Done Right.

If you missed that game you missed a thing of beauty. This team may not be built for power and runs, but a couple of timely knocks as well as some inspired bunts to move the runners along was more than enough to provide the runs we needed. The pitching was masterful. Maddux threw six innings of some of the nastiest junk I've seen. Right up until Cla Meredith came in and got just a shade nastier. Linebrink and Brocail got outs just like their mamas told them to get a good girl. Just be yourself. All in all, we take the Giants 4-0 to register our third shutout on this young season, not to mention our third straight series win. What a fantastic effort and a sweet win. Now bring on the filthy Dodgers. Go Pads!!!

Not For The Squeamish.

Here's the 2007 schedule:

Sept. 9 – Chicago, 1:15 p.m., Fox
Sept. 16 – at New England, 5:15 p.m., NBC
Sept. 23 – at Green Bay, 10 a.m., CBS
Sept. 30 – Kansas City, 1:15 p.m., CBS
Oct. 7 – at Denver, 1:15, p.m. CBS
Oct. 14 – Oakland, 1:15 p.m., CBS
Oct. 21 – BYE
Oct. 28 – Houston, 1:05 p.m., CBS
Nov. 4 – at Minnesota, 10 a.m., CBS
Nov. 11 – Indianapolis, 5:15 p.m., NBC
Nov. 18 – at Jacksonville, 10 a.m., CBS
Nov. 25 – Baltimore, 1:15 p.m., CBS
Dec. 2 – at Kansas City, 10 a.m., CBS
Dec. 9 – at Tennessee, 10 a.m., CBS
Dec. 16 – Detroit, 1:15 p.m., Fox
Dec. 24 – Denver, 5 p.m., ESPN
Dec. 30 – at Oakland, 1:15 p.m., CBS

I ain't skerred, but that's a vicious 1-2 punch coming out of the gate. Getting Indy and Baltimore at home helps some though, and there are some definite rollovers in there. I say bring it on, bitches. Go Bolts!!!

Update: Wait aminute! Not one Monday Night game!!! That is utter bullshit!

Update my update: Denver on Dec. 24 is a Monday. Christmas Eve, though, hardly counts.

Some Stuff About Some Stuff.

What's up with Khalil Greene's straw hair anyway? Is everything made of straw on that guy? I don't want to get too metro here, but it's called conditioner, man. Give it a shot. Oh, how it must have made my cohort happy to watch the vegan lower his batting average about 80 points in one game at this early point in the season. Way to not be clutch. You're no Spiccoli. Spiccoli was never that tense.


I'm going to be all over the board here for a minute. Unless you're not even slightly into sports (and if you're getting your sports news here, that's not entirely unlikely), you've heard about the Zeusian punishment's NFL Commisioner Rodger Goodell layed down upon perennial fuck-ups PacMan Jones and Chris Henry. Them's some mighty lightning bolts, and I don't hear too many people complaining either...yet. We'll see. Anyway, Canepa had his take on it today. You can read it here. At first, I thought Mr. Nick had found a new schoolgirl crush, going on and on about the big muscles and fast cars Goodell's sporting. Then he gets to the meat of the matter. As impressive as the punishment's were, Goodell is still merely Steven Seagal to AJ Smith's Chuck Norris. Smith has been handing down disciplinary actions like those since before you were a glimmer in your daddy's eye youngster. If AJ were running the whole show, and not just ruling his own team with an iron fist as he feels other owners should be doing, the entire Bengals and Titans teams would likely be suspended for a season or two. And like it!

Ugh. Enough about that. Back to the Padres. Apparently Chris Young either doesn't think that much of himself or he really likes playing here because he signed a four year deal on Monday that, in an era where Gil Meche is shopping for a third house in the French Riviera, would make a back-up ball boy happy. Well, extremely happy, but we got a deal all the same. I guess people are starting to buy into the "San Diego Discount." I think this is a lot like Global Warming. If you say it enough, people will believe it exists whether you can prove it or not. Good for us.

"Hey Mike Cameron! It's coming right at you!"

Hot girl:



5-3 on the way to the World Series. Cool. go Pads!!!

I'm Making Observations...

I realize that being a part of today's sports scene requires diligent fact checking, constantly perusing of the numbers, and operating your fantasy team as if you were actually a general manager and not some basement dungeon master. But, I think it's safe to say that simply watching games and observing the level of play will tell you a lot about a team and the quality of the product on the field, numbers sometimes be damned. I spent yesterday doing just that in between fits of vomiting and I came up with some noteworthy items. More Bullet Points... I love them so...

*The Bad News Bears reference from Thursday night was more apt than I had originally thought. During that debacle, as Termell "Sledge" Hammer (aptly coined by Max here) failed to take control of the situation and call off the surprisingly powerful of late Vegan, Max began humming that little diddy of a tune from the movie. The YouTube clip yesterday was never more fitting. I worry a bit about Sledge Hammer's defense, more on that in another post. Last night's home run was great, the 'Secret Pop' moniker that Mud and Matt have attempted must be murdered prior to it's acceptance by the masses. 'Sledge' is the nickname, get it right 'professionals'.

*Greg Maddux made his Padre debut last night and there's no nice way to say it, he looks fucking old. Not like shit yourself while piloting your walker to the early bird garden buffet, but definitely on the brink of adult diapertown. He was lobbing puss filled junk balls near the plate all night long, that surprisingly weren't pelted. "You put snot on the baseball?" High(Low)light of the night: Matt Holliday's 6th inning mash out to center off the Vaseline Warrior. Heath Bell was warming up in the bullpen. Without so much as flinching on the mound in center, he casually caught the ball and flipped it into the nighttime crowd. Damn YouTube for not having a clip for my inept ass to find...

*Open Message to T-Rex: You're little brother is a significantly better baseball player than you, he even has normal length arms. What the hell is going on with you? If you think that not swinging the bat and trying to draw walks is a good thing, think again. You went 15 consecutive pitches over a short span without attempting a swing. You reached base zero times in that stretch. How about you quit running around the locker room naked and you try actually putting the baseball in play. I know your disability with the short arms and all prevents proper extension, but Christ, try a bunt or something. No, don't do that, HIT A FUCKING HOME RUN from time to time okay? How 'bout this, if you hit more home runs than your brother, I'll get off your case. Until then it's shitlist for you.

*Completely off Topic: I only like getting into the craw of Nick Canepa and Skip Bayless when the remark the absurd, but yesterday Michael Wilbon of the Washington Post was being nonsensical on the PTI. I like Mike, he's a very good sports guy, but we need a good scandal or something for him to talk about. Yesterday, he was venting about the weather effect on some East Coast baseball games and how the scheduling was so poor not to play those games in protected stadiums to prevent early season cancellations of games. I agreed to a certain extent, but Mike continued with this gem..."It's the dumbest thing. It's dumber than college football not having a playoff system." Uh, no. It's not. There's still 189,499 games, 18 months, 871 Yankees/Red Sox stories and 275 more Joe Buck nonsensicals to go in the season. Postponing a few games is neither a correct comparison or even relevant to college football's struggles to adequately determie a champion. Now, someone go catch Dice K doctoring up a cute coed with his gyroball so Wilbon has something to do. And hurry up.

*Oh, and Red Sox fans, don't you find it funny that you are calling the new sensation out there Dice K? Nice work using the nickname from a Brooklyn born comedian (term used very loosely). The new pride of Boston, named after a New Yorker. It's no wonder no one likes the Red Sox anymore. You are pretty fuckin' stupid fans sometimes.

*It appears that the Vegan is trying to make me look bad. Good work Buddha. Keep it up, try not to injure your sensitive fragile digits.

*Sunday afternoon, I'll be sitting near third base. I'll have whatever you're drinking as long as it's cold and beer like.

There's A First Time For Everything.

All signs seem to indicate that Michael "The Burner" Turner will not spend the 2007 NFL season as insurance for TBE getting injured. "Experts" say a trade will happen within the next week, with Buffalo, Tennessee and Green Bay the likeliest destinations. No word on exactly what we'll get yet. So there you have it, it looks like I was wrong. For the first time ever. Don't get used to it.

In Case You Missed It...

Footage from last night's outfield collision between Kouzmanoff and Greene. I didn't even see Sledgehammer take one in the balls, it happened so fast, but this is a great angle.

WE SUCK!

Well, it was a nice ride while it lasted, but I think it's time we all admit to ourselves that this team is shitbox. Maybe next year.

Just kidding, 161-1 ain't so bad! Go Pads!!!

Show Us Your VaGiants!

Nice to see CJ back in the fray and I sure hate to push him down the page so soon, but I felt it was necessary to point out the latest Nick Canepa filler article in the San Diego Union Excelsior Newsletter Paper Magazine. It seems Nick has realized that baseball season is upon us and that means he must pen something regarding the only months away from World Series Champion Padres. Since AJ Smith doesn't seem to have anything to say about the Pads, Canepa is forced to write yet another article in the great pantheon of Nick Canepa articles that actually say nothing at all.

Handcuffed by the fact that he apparently has not kissed Kevin Towers ass enough to get any hardcore bad ass "my way or the highway" quotes from him*, Canepa decides to instead compare the Padres to the Chargers, a subject he believes he knows something about. You see, both the Padres and the Bolts won their respective divisions, yet both failed to advance in the playoffs. Schottenheimer was fired shortly thereafter and Bochy was allowed to walk. The pressure is on Norv Turner to win a Superbowl. The pressure is apparently on Bud Black to win a World Series. And before I can so much as start screaming at the screen, Nick actually manages to point out that the talent disparity may be a bit of a factor. You think? the Bolts are the best team talentwise in the NFL. There was no reason for them to bow out in the first playoff game. Conversely, the Padres are about the 10th most talented team in the National League and had no business advancing to the later rounds. There's probably no one in the world outside of me expects them to go to the World Series, and I only expect it because I might be an actual retard. No, Nicky my boy, Bud Black was not brought in here to win the title, he was brought in here to make the team seem less boring somehow. Or to at least make it look like the team was trying to justify ticket price raising and awful, overpriced parking at our glorious ballpark where only other teams can hit home runs (boring).

The fact is, though, Canepa's entire pointless article that said nothing you didn't know, unless it is his own ridiculous opinion, was only to present his new super funny at first, but gets more serious the more you think about it" nickname for San Diego. Wannabe Titletown. Precious. What a douche.

That all being said, last night was fun to watch. We haven't started 2-0 since 98'. I'll take that. Sure, it was no big surprise to watch Bonds hit his first HR of the season off Chris Young (Bonds loves two things when it comes to bombing homers. Doing it against the Pads, and big, fat fastballs right in the wheelhouse.). In fact, my roommate, who is a Cubs fan and a bona fide dickface, actually called the bomb in that at-bat. Fortunately, we had a few dingers of our own, including the game winner from our own slugger in the making and at least one person I know's favorite "bean," Adrian Gonzales. First look at Linebrink and Hoffman and they came out unscathed, although I have to admit I was a bit concerned by how many pitches were hit hard off of them. Good D prevailed, though, and after what is admittedly only two games I can safely cling to my positive vibe about this season. Awesome. Go Pads!!!

*I realize Canepa has some quotes from Towers as well as Black, but those were likely general media quotes and not the super special quotes that AJ gives to him personally. Believe me, Canepa would have made sure to let us know.

It's Not Football...

Sitting here absorbing my first live action view of the Home Squad against the Ex-Padres, I'm struck with a few random thoughts about the Baseballing Season that is now officially upon us. For you, our faithful, BULLET POINTS!! This lazy man's post...

* I know that we are primarily a footballing site, but since the football team is currently in a vegetative state to me, I'll talk about baseball, if you don't like it, email me for a full refund of your subscription fee and hold your breath.

* Jake pitched a gem yesterday, congrats there Alabama Madman. Now do it for the entire season, try not to hurt yourself celebrating your greatness, and don't sit to close to Wells, that shit he's got might be contagious.

* I'm not one to whine about the umpiring, but tonight's crew to this point is abysmal. The strike zone is a moving target through four innings.

* To all of you who felt obligated to tell me that Tyranasaurus Giles doubled twice yesterday should go get your fucking heads checked. It's one game. Let's wait to annoint him the chosen one until at least the all-star break okay? Guys like Ruben Rivera had good games too, prior to stealing other peoples gloves and trying to sell them on ebay.

* I'll be attending this Sunday at the Home Field, to anyone who may be there, email me so I can tell you where I'll be sitting and what kind of beer you can buy me.

* It's a long season folks, don't hit the panic button and don't get too out of sorts during the first week of the season. We'll be here all year, and I expect all of you to call me out on my bullshit in the comments this season. Your opinion is valuable, express it, or just go jump off a bridge. Either way you'll get recognized.

***UPDATE****

I guess even Vegans can hit home runs now. Weird...

And So It Has Begun.

And in high fashion with a 7-0 shutout of the vaGiants in Frisco. 6 scoreless innings for Peavy, followed by 3 scoreless from the best pen in the biz. Linebrink and Hoffy didn't even have to come in for this one folks. Sorry, Bocch. Nice start, Bud.

Only Two Hours Away!

Let the 2007 World Series run commence. I know I said I'd put up some of my thoughts on the upcoming baseball season before things got under way, but I lied. Fuck it, though. It's baseball, I could wait three weeks to make predictions and such and what's the difference? 162 games buys a man that sort of lee-way. Is that right? "Lee-way?" I don't think I've ever put that term to print. Is that a term or an actual word? Shit. Anyway, I do have a couple of things to point out from yesterday, though keep in mind that it is only one game in:

1) The highly favored in the West Dodgers got pitched retarded by Ben Sheets and the Brewers yesterday.

2) The always annoyingly yakked about $300 million Cubbies likewise were pitched retarded by Aaron Harang and the Reds.

Just two little things that brought a smile to my face. I won't even bother mentioning the Schilling shelling. Oops!

Here's two more things that bring a smile to my face:



Go Pads!!!