Here we are a day before the NFL Draft and I suppose I totally care because the TV says I should and the Chargers’ BA GM AJ is a draft wizard of no less than 10 whole Dungeons and Dragons levels. I don’t have my PHB handy, so I don’t know what the correct title for a level 10 wizard is, but I can tell you that AJ’s Lightning Bolt does 10D6 damage and that ain’t bad.
But I digress. I suppose since we here at Super Chargers claim to pretend to be some doting football ya-yas it would be irresponsible not to levy some thoughts on The Draft “action” to come. I capitalize The Draft because, like I said before, my TV likens it to Jesus or something.
I’d like to start with the Raiders because, like our BA GM AJ, I believe myself to be a genius. I could totally fix that team. First you trade Randy Moss to Green Bay, who are ready to do just about anything to let Favre Bean go out in a quasi-blaze-a brushfire, if you will-of glory. I don’t care what you actually get for Moss, just get rid of him because he will never be able to handle the addition of Calvin Johnson. That’s right, fuck Jamarcus “Where the fuck did you come from” Russell. That guy has got Akili Smith, Jim Druckenmiller and Ryan Leaf type draft bust written all over him. Johnson probably won’t be as good as they make him out to be, but he only has to be half that good to be great. My TV tells me he might be Jesus too, which is starting to make me wonder why my TV’s all up in my face pushing Christianity and such, but whatever, I love it anyway. Back to the Raiders. Go future QB in the second round and use the rest of your picks on the O-line, with maybe a TE or a RB in there somewhere (I only know the names of, like the first ten guys that will be drafted cause I don’t get paid to do actual research, and fuck Rock 105.3 for making me endure back to back interviews with AJ and Peter King yesterday. And no, I couldn’t turn off the radio because I don’t have hands. Feel pretty big now, don’t you?). Lastly, deal something- ooh, maybe whatever you got from Green Bay- to Tampa for Jake Plummer. I bet he’d come out of retirement just to piss off Shanahan. Voila, 6-10 season. That’s good for the Raiders right?
Now the real deal. The Bolts. I see one of the four following scenarios- but really only the first two- happening.
1) Trade Turner to Tennesee for their #19 and probably nothing else. Hope Dwayne Bowe drops to 19, take the best S or LB sitting at #30. Probably Griffin or Poluszny?(Polish names, whatever.).
2) Don’t trade Turner because Tennessee won’t give us enough and AJ LOVES his supplemental picks (He’ll get a 3rd or 4th rounder after Turner leaves next year) and pick the best S or LB on the board (see above). The more I hear about how everyone says the Bolts need a safety or a WR in The Draft, the more I’m sure that AJ will take a LB. Motherfuckin’ John Wayne y’all!
Love that picture. So. Bad. Ass.
3) Trade Turner to Tennessee, package everything, trade it all to Detroit for Calvin Johnson.
4) Trade Turner and whatever else it takes straight to Detroit, cutting out the middle man, for Calvin Johnson.
Now, I realize that those last two are extreeeemely unlikely, but I want you to consider one VERY BIG factor. AJ’s ego. AJ’s has built a lot of goodwill through a series of outstanding draft classes. At this point he’s earned himself a mulligan if he does something seemingly crazy like giving up a lot for one guy. But the Chargers aren’t incredibly needy for new talent. The couple of needs they have could probably be well addressed after the first couple of rounds. But why would AJ take such a chance when it seems to go directly against what his previous draft philosophy has been? Because of LaDainian Tomlinson, The Best Ever. I’ve often documented my theory that AJ resents the fact that he did not draft the most outstanding cog in his offense and quite probably the best player in the game today. Sure, you could argue that Antonio Gates is a huge part of our machine, but AJ didn’t actually draft him either. Phillip Rivers looks good, and in my opinion will be exceptional, but it will take a lot to convince people he’s really any better than the guy he replaced in Drew Brees. If AJ gets Johnson, and Johnson really is Jesus like my fucking seriously overly zealous religious freak television believes him to be, AJ can finally say that he’s the reason we put up a zillion points every Sunday and that yours truly, Maximum Colossus, and others like me can get behind Canepa and wait for our turns to suck it! And I’m not a homo or anything, but I’d totally do it, cause I think it’s be fun to have a bad-ass stud receiver on our team like in the old Coryell days. So, AJ, do it. No, really, do it. Hot girls all around!
What can I say? I'm kind of having a butt day. Enjoy The Draft. Go Bolts!!!
Update: Okay, this is actually the most likely scenario, and I didn't put it here because I don't like it that much. AJ trades Turner to Tennessee. We swap first rounders and take Bowe or Ginn if he falls to #19. In this case we'd probably get a 3rd or 4th round deal as well and AJ really loves his middle round picks. That's where his genius shines, you know?
Also, don't be surprised if he packages that Tennessee pick and some others to move up 8 spots or so from #19 to pick up Landry. There, have I covered every possible angle yet? Christ, we'll probably take a Long-snapper cause David Binn is getting on in years. Sheesh, I'm not even going to watch The Fucking Draft. It gives me a headache.