Monday, August 06, 2007

Let's Get This Party Started.

Well, I suppose it’s time to dust off the cobwebs and get this little Charger football blog warmed up. Seeing as I’m the only contributor here who still enjoys football, it seems I would have my work cut out for me.

What I Did This Summer

This summer my friends and I got drunk on the beach. And we got drunk in bars. And we watched the Padres not hit well. And there was this one time where we totally played some video games. And CJ played baseball. And I totaled my car. And then I totally bought a new car. And I married this chick:

And by “married” I mean “masturbated furiously to pictures of.” Seriously, though, Lingerie Calendar? The Eagles are light years ahead of the field on exploiting their hot cheerleaders. All in all, pretty sweet summer, and while it’s not over yet, it seems that way because football is in the air. Annually, football mania resumes after that one signature hallmark event. No, not that pointless Hall of Fame Preseason Extravaganza that was fought between the New Orleans Whack-A-Moles and the Pittsburgh Team Of Players. I don’t know why I called them that, I’m kind of hung-over (see paragraph above) and it seemed like it would be fun to give the teams different names than that which they are normally known. And you know what? It was fun. Anyway, the event that signifies the imminent approach of the NFL season is, of course, the unveiling and release of John Madden football.

I know some of you are still pining for NFL2K, and I’ll admit that there was a time back in waning years of the last millennia when I switched for a brief 2 years over to NFL Gameday, but seriously, Madden’s developers had gotten lazy from a lack of solid competition and really just stopped trying to do anything more than change the rosters and the game totally sucked shit. Seriously, I’ve never had anybody come up to me and say, “Madden 99 was the greatest incarnation of Madden football I’ve ever had the pleasure of playing for thousands of hours rather than socialize with my friends and family or go to work or sleep or pay my bills.” I’ve also never stabbed anybody in the jugular with a letter opener either.

I’m not saying there’s a correlation between the two, but we’ll never know for sure unless somebody drops the aforementioned statement in my general vicinity. Wouldn’t it be weird, though, if it happened the other way around. Like I go crazy homicidal and stab some guy in the neck and as he’s bleeding out he’s all, “Madden 99 forever…” I think that would really cheese me off.

Anyway, my whole stinking point is that Madden in its present state is simply tits. 2007 was awesome. The Chargers were awesome on it, and they’re only going to be better, assuming the programmers didn’t include a fumble and go batshit crazy in the playoffs setting.

I look forward to humiliating my friends to the point where I’ll have to play online with twelve year olds because no one will sit in the same room with me anymore. And yeah, I’ll admit that a couple of my friends were able to, on occasion, steal a victory from the kid by plying me with a half a handle of Jim Beam, but it ain’t going to happen this year. August 14th is the release date and I’ll be living the lake life in Minnesota, so I’ll have to wait a couple more days, but then I’m totally getting it on with Veronica Vaughan. Well, maybe not, but you can imagine what it would be like if I did.

In other football happenings, Mike Vick allegedly shot, drowned, strangled and electrocuted something like 80 bitches. I think that would likely make him the most prolific known American serial killer if it turns out to be true. Take that, Juice!

As I’m sure you’re all aware, the Chargers did not bother to acknowledge that such a thing as the free agent market exists, and instead relied on the drafting abilities of GM and John Wayne/The Godfather Maestro AJ Smith. According to the local papers that should be just fine. Not only will our first three draft picks be three of the finest players to ever don the lightning bolt, the are three of the finest all around people with the most fabulous dedication to their craft and the most levelheaded approach to the game of football and the game of life. I’m not saying that the Chargers pretty much own the San Diego Union Dispatch Intelligencer Tribune, I’m merely saying that Canepa and Acee eat kibble out of little bowls on AJ Smith’s patio. I am optimistic about the new additions, and especially about the linebacker, Waters, we took in the third. This was another case of a guy who was projected to go much higher before injuries hurt his status. If he turns out anything like Luis Castillo or Antonio Cromartie, we may just have the steal of the draft there. Speaking of Cromartie, it seems he is giving Drayton Florence some serious competition for the starting corner position opposite Quentin Jammer. I hope he gets it, cause maybe if Florence isn’t starting CJ will stop being such a cocksucker about January’ playoff loss.

I’m kicking around the idea of getting a Chargers jersey this year. I’ve never owned an actual Chargers jersey before, and the time seems right. New design, good team. Heck, our QB looks good enough that I won’t even look like too much of a racist for buying the white guy’s jersey. I’d get Tomlinson, but I’d be afraid I’d lose myself in the bar on Sunday. The thing is, I don’t know if I’m a jersey guy. I think I might want a helmet. The new white helmet is dope.

And I wouldn’t be one of those pussy fans who displays their helmet in a case or some bullshit. I would wear the fuck out of that helmet. I’d be at the bar going, “Dude, you can totally throw a beer bottle at my head, I’m motherfuckin’ Shawne Merrman, bitch!” And then I’d run through a plate glass window. So, pretty much business as usual, but with a totally kick-ass helmet! I’d wear it to work Mondays and Fridays so everybody would know I was the most bad-ass Super Chargers Fan going, and my boss would be all, “I admire your dedication to your team, Maximum Colossus, here’s some money.” Sweet, I’m getting the helmet. Unless they’re more than about $40. I could probably get one of those inflatable ones dirt cheap. How much is one of those hats that holds 2 beers? Maybe I’ll just get one of those and draw a lightning bolt on it with a Sharpie. I can get a Sharpie from work, so it won’t cost me anything.

That’s all I have for now, but I’ve got pretty good cuts in mind (I’m looking at you kid from High School Musical!)

so maybe I’ll get another column up before the weekend. Then it’s off to the great Northwest for a week of boating, boozing and lying to Minnesota chicks about how much money I make. Sweet. Oh, and in case you haven't seen it, this could be some locker room fodder for the Bears, but it rules anyway:

Go Bolts!!!


FryanEgg said...

Those uniforms look sweet even in a commercial. CHILLS and the season hasn't even started. I told myself I wouldn't do this...

Blogust said...

Great post. Totally hilarious.