Radar is broken, Jury is Hung, but it's all OK

Week 5 is in the books, and the authors here have done a great job in summarizing, recounting, analyzing, speculating, dissecting, and basically delivering the clear and proper view of the NFL thus far...

My addition to this today is mostly just a little venting. I could do this a number of places, but here amongst friends and the knowledgeable like-minded Charger fans seems most appropriate, and I'll explain why later.

A good friend of mine is a very smart guy, despite being a Giants fan. He's great with numbers and stats, and has devised an algorithm that ranks the NFL teams each week. It could be viewed kind of like the ESPN power rankings, except instead of an engine based on market biased columnists, it uses some secret mathematical formula based on stats. He sends out a weekly e-mail with the rankings, and some usually very funny narrative. This week's commentary was sarcastic and funny, as usual, but I did take exception (at first) to his jab at my Chargers... "Jim, in week 3, I wondered if the bolts could beat someone who wasn’t the Raiders. They answered. 'Nope'. The rebounded by beating the Champs, who are playing more like the Chumps. So the jury is still out."

WHAAAT? "The jury is still out!?!?" What kind of jury is this? I declare a mistrial. First of all, even though it's true that the Steelers have had a slow start, I didn’t hear much talk of them sucking going into Sunday's game against the Chargers. In the media, and from fans of other teams (yep, the Broncos), all I heard were things like "Should be a good game...", "This will be a good test", “another clash of good defenses”, etc. Then as soon as the Chargers DOMINATE them, everyone changes their tune to, "man, I guess the Steelers aren't any good." No, it's not "Wow, that Charger team is scary! Ravens got a luckily timed conservative coaching gift, but man, when they are in stride, they may be the best team in the NFL!" Ok, I guess I can't expect that from non-bolt fans, but I submit this, your honor:

After week 5: The Charger offense is averaging 350 yards, and 25.8 points per game. Yes, those numbers are better than Cincinnati, New England, Jacksonville, Baltimore, and Pittsburgh. Oh, and it's WAY better than Denver's anemic Offense. Denver is averaging 12 points per game. Gonna be hard to keep riding that wimpy output. Rivers has shown that he can flat PLAY. I can't imagine any more talent at Running Back on any team, the O-line is playing better than I expected, and then there are the big tall receivers who are young and getting better, along with our bad ass pro bowl tight end. That is offensive muscle. The kind that can take a 10 point deficit to the Super Bowl champs, and squish it by rattling off 23. Do you think Denver can do that?? They get down by 10 points at ANY point to ANY team, and I think they may be looking at a loss. Their answer is, "well, we’ll always stay in front, cuz our Defense is awesome!" I'll admit, their Defense does look good, but hoping to never fall behind may be asking too much from them. The Chargers can talk D too, by the way. In fact, the Chargers have the #1 defense in the NFL. Denver is allowing an average of 8.5 points, 300 yards. Bolts are allowing 9 points and 204 yards. We'll call you on D, and raise you on O.

I thought about writing some of these stats in a rebuttal to the rankings, but then I noticed... The Chargers were ranked #2 in the NFL, right behind Chicago, on HIS own rankings system. I figured my point was already made.

At the 1/4 mark, the Bolts have looked great in my opinion. Their stats and their talent are SCARY. An A- start (would have gotten an A if they'd have gone 4-0 like they should have). But still, outside of a few random flitting conjectures, I rarely hear them get the kind of respect and fear that they deserve. But I'm used to it- that's the norm for SD sports. So at this point, I don’t feel the need to try to convince these others that they should be afraid of this team. I think they are anyway and just don’t want to admit it. I say cheers to a good win against the super bowl champs, and let's let the team keep a little chip on their shoulder. Let them continue to feel like they have something to prove, and keep this rolling! Go Chargers!!!

Also, before finishing up, a nod to the Padres season- yes, it burns to get punked by the Cards again, but winning the division b2b is sweet. Playoffs is what it’s all about. Even with the wack East Coast scheduling, the boys managed to give me a weekend do-or-die playoff game that I could spend with friends in a local pub and cheer on a victory. That’s what I ask for, and I got a little of it, complete with a Hoffman save set to Hells Bells on the juke. I'll take it. Thanks to the team, and props to Trevor Hoffman as well. Enjoy the offseason Pads, and bring it again next year. Now we're in FULL football mode... so again, Go Chargers!!

Weekend Observations Now Complete with Cheerleaders!!!

Some weekend footballing thoughts lingering in my brain while not distracted by Michelle my favorite Bolt Cheerleader...

*The Redskins embarrassed themselves this weekend versus the Giants. More importantly, they embarrassed me. My faith has been tested and shattered yet again. Mark Brunell is quickly going to find himself the recipient of foul smelling mail.

*The Leinart Era has begun in Arizona. Most positively I should add to that statement. He showed why he slipped to number 10 in the draft and held out for all that extra money. On a related note, the team managed to blow a two touchdown lead and lose the game. Nice debut Matt.

*Mike Tirico is a diarrhea filled gas bag. During his rousing introduction of the Ravens this evening, he mentioned that they were undefeated. He went on to say that although undefeated, they were untested to this point in the season, due to the fact that their four wins came against teams that had combined for four wins. Ummm Mike? The Chargers have three of those wins and essentially won the game save our aformentioned coaching troubles. I think the Ravens were tested in that game. But, you know, you're the one getting paid to talk about that stuff, if you want to be incorrect on National Television, be my guest.

*The Broncos received an awful lot of auditory and visual fellatio this evening. They managed to survive a Baltimore team on their home field in the rain. Would have enjoyed a bit of help from the Crows tonight, but alas, it was not to be.

*I wonder what the Steeler Bandwagon will look like this weekend?

*Marty didn't wear a headset this weekend. Was this coincidence? Or did he get neutered from playcalling decisions? It was a step in the right direction whatever that is...

*I'm beginning to think that our coaches may have a plan. It appears that they are just not tipping their hand and showing everyone exactly how dangerous we can be. Phillip looked great last night, the whole offense did, and save the one drive, the Defense looked 'impregnable'. So, it begs the question, does the staff actually have a plan that they are keeping close to the vest? I don't know if I can actually talk myself into believing this, but last night was quite unexpected at least to me. We'll see what comes of this next weekend.

*Good to see us right the ship on the National Stage. Looking forward to an ovary free Schottenheimer against San Francisco on Sunday.

*Go Bolts!

It's A Start, But You're Not Out Of The Doghouse Yet, Coach.

You have to like that. A lot of people are going to say that the Steelers are suffering a post Superbowl hangover. They’ll say that Ben Roethlisberger is not himself and is still reeling from his motorcycle accident this past off-season. I can’t really say for sure if those things are true or not, but I can say this; we completely dismantled that team for three quarters last night. The defense was live and Philip Rivers picked apart the Steelers secondary for drives of 80 and 91 yards. That defense is still supposed to be pretty good, right? It sure is nice to have all those six and a half foot targets we’ve got, huh? Anybody remember me saying Malcolm Floyd might be the real deal a couple weeks back? That TD he had was a monster catch. That guy and Big Vinny are solid and are only going to get better. It was nice to see Gates out there being the best playmaking tight end in the game like he is supposed to be. Tomlinson didn’t have his best running game, but it was nice to see us get him the ball in space where he was able to make a couple things happen. The Burner is getting those tough yards every time and manages to warrant more and more playing time on a team that already boasts arguably the best running back in the game. Man, it’s going to be hard to hold on to that guy.

Sadly, even after last night’s game, I’m not totally convinced Marty will do right by the talent the Bolts possess. Don’t forget, he pulled out his share of these dominating types of performances last year, but they tended to happen in games where we trailed early. If he had gotten the early lead again last night, I don’t doubt we would have seen something more closely resembling the Baltimore game. In fact, as much as no one wants to admit it, the play calling definitely got a little conservative late last night. The difference was that Michael Turner was able to find the holes and eat clock. The defense was also let off the leash in the fourth quarter. End result, San Diego wins, and more importantly shows what they can truly do. Give me this team playing that hard and I’ll take all comers. Bring me your Colts and your Bears! You’ve got nothing on us! We are best! Even if it has to be in spite of our coach. One victory does not absolve you, Marty. But it’s a nice start. Go Bolts!!!

Week 5 Gems...

Well. It's really obvious. The Padres are winning the World Series. It's not even in question anymore. I don't have the sarcasm necessary to emphasize this point enough. The people in this town are laughable. Awesome.

I've slacked enough this year publicizing my incredibleness that is my gambling* abilities, so for this week, you will get a sneak pick into my pea sized brain that is so incredibly profitable* netting me not quite enough money to buy bodog but enough to rule the world. Here are some of them to tease your sensibilities...

Philadelphia v. Dallas

The McNabb factor and the crowd hucking batteries and pill containers full of nickels carry the Eagles to a blowout victory today. I don't exactly know what the McNabb factor is, but it's better than saying the Cowgirls suck.

San Diego v. Pittsburgh

I've never met an arrogant Steelers fan. For the most part they are pretty decent folk, save the odor and lack of teeth. But one of their finest was breaking into me pretty hard last night about how they were actually better this year than last year. After I was able to compose myself from that ridiculousness, I did some serious analysis of the situation and realized that Pittsburgh in fact, sucks.
Chargers in a rout. Marty, if you screw this up I'm taking a dump in your front lawn.

The Others...

Arizona
The Lambs
Rejuvenated Hurricane Cities
The Crows
Oh, and if the Giants Skins game is close, I'll be paralyzed and perhaps quit gambling*. Skins today. Skins.

Out...

*not to be used in any way for gambling unless of course you are a moron and would take gambling advice from the likes of me.

Listen To My Genius!

So Bill Simmons has been touting the Chargers pretty heavily this year going so far as to pick them to represent and possibly win the Superbowl. And while I truly appreciate the support, I can not condone what he had to say regarding Marty Schottenheimer's handling of last week's game in Baltimore. Read the whole article here, but this is the Marty take:

"Anyway, I'd love to pile on Marty this week; nobody has coached more games when they resembled a Ken doll anatomically. But he did the right thing this time: Rivers wasn't quite ready for a game like that, and they couldn't kill his confidence this early in the season. So Marty kept it close to the vest and tried to protect the lead with his D (and it almost worked). I'm not killing him on that one."

Oh, please! Enough of that bullshit about Rivers not being ready. And are we supposed to believe that a loss in Baltimore would kill the career of a third year player that the organization is constantly touting as being strong, smart and resilient? Why do we assume he loses that game if we unleash him? In protecting Rivers from a potential "soul-crushing" loss, Schottenheimer could just as easily have been denying Rivers a career defining victory.

This team can win now, but not unless the coach and his staff are willing to take a risk. And is it really a risk to incorporate you second biggest playmaker more often? Where is Antonio Gates? 10 receptions in three games? He should have closer to twenty. Did Schotty not see the amazing first down effort in the first quarter? First Down makes things happen, so let's see some of that.

The blinders have to come off this Sunday night. Everybody knows the Steelers are just going to try and hang around until the end. The knife must be twisted, removed, reinserted, and twisted again early and often, damn it! Go Bolts!!!

My Outrageous Picks!

Yahoo! image search. Outrageous. Totally. Is she picking her crack?

So, last week the guys in my pick’em pool credited me the weekly entrance fee (I lost my ATM card), presumably based on the ridiculously poor accuracy of my weekly picks. So what do I do? I go 10-4 against the spread and take the pot. Suckers! Just kidding, guys, I got it covered this week. The funny thing is, my boy CJ tells me every year that the first three weeks are throwaways and nobody knows for sure what’s going to happen. Maybe I don’t give that cat enough credit. He does make a smooth call now and then.

Miami @ New England
Which Patriots team will show up this week? Your guess is as good as mine, but since they’re facing the Daunte Culpeppers, I’ll go ahead and guess this one.
Pats 27, Dolphins 13

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans
Is Tampa Bay even starting a QB this week? Are they going to snap directly to Cadillac? They were bad with Chris Simms, and they’re going to be even worse without, if you can believe that.
Saints 24, Bucs 10

Washington @ New York
If Santana Moss can catch three TDs against Jacksonville’s D, he should have about nine against that floundering vaGiants secondary.
Skins 30, vaGiants 27

Buffalo @ Chicago
Chicago’s giving ten?! I don’t know that there will be ten scored in this game.
Bears 13, Bill 10

St. Louis @ Green Bay
The Rams are another one of those teams that’s going to make me break out in hives all year, but I expect them to hammer another nail into Brett Favre’s coffin this week.
Rams 28, Packers 17

Cleveland @ Carolina
Carolina’s fired up now, but Cleveland just had an impressive comeback against..the Raiders?
Panthers 34, Browns 16

Tennessee @ Indy
You know you’ve hit bottom when you’re 18 point dogs. Even if it is against the Colts. Hey Vinny, Fisher hates you!
Colts 45, Titans 17

Detroit @ Minnesota
If you need to get back on track, it’s always nice to run into Detroit.
Vikes 14, Lions 7

KC @ Zona
It’s hard for me to believe that KC won’t fall apart after their complete dismantling of the Niners last week, but not here. Not against this team. I think Leinart will look better than Warner, but not enough better.
Chiefs 20, Cards 14

Oakland @ Frisco
Blech!
49ers 21, Raiders 14

N.Y. Jets @ Jacksonville
The Jets are going to lose by three all season.
Jags 17, Jets 14 (That’s a lot of 14s)

Dallas @ Philly
Take it from the Bolts, Dallas, and don’t get too high on yourselves after shellacking the Titans. This one’s gonna sting.
Eagles 31, Cowgirls 20

Pitt @ San Diego
God damn it, Marty, if you blow this shot at redemption I’m sending you a nice steamy “mud” pie. Something tells me your players are going to save your ass this week. No matter how pissed the Steelers are. There will be bitten nails, though.
Chargers 17, Steelers 13

Monday Night

Baltimore @ Denver
Shanahan relishes making Schotty look like a pussy and succeeds where our shitty coach failed.
Broncos 24, Ravens 10

What are you waiting for? Call your bookie! Go Bolts!

Are You Ready For Some Bullshit?! Well, Get Ready!

I hope that video got you all pumped up for another round of Inside the NFL Raped All the Women and Torched the Houses. They immediately tantalize us with promises of a miked up Larry Johnson and the possibility that they might not make a huge freaking deal about TO returning to Philly this weekend. I might actually have to give INFL a little credit for bucking the trend and deciding not to bow to the TO publicity machine. I mean, I myself posited that they would bring in a slew of different kinds of doctors to examine the hell out of the giant rotting horse corpse in the middle of the room, but nope. Nothing. Such restraint surely must be rewarded. Sadly, however, the above scenario would probably have been at least more interesting than the tripe I’m about to summarize for your non-viewing pleasure.

We start with Costas delivering three questions to the Algonquin Round Table of Ribaldry and Wit. The question were:

What do we know for sure at this point in the season?

What do we think we know?

Something else I can’t remember because I’m seriously already tuning out at this point and I’m about six beers deep. What? In the old days they used to get people plowed on booze to numb them before surgery. Same thing. Only a couple things of note here. Bears are really good. Everybody’s jumping off the Seattle bandwagon as if it were the Titanic. Actually, they’re jumping off as if the bandwagon were a parallel universe Titanic that, after hitting the iceberg, was being bombed by aliens. Collinsworth actually makes a really good point that teams have not been up to speed til this point because they didn’t do enough work in the preseason, leading me to believe that he reads this site, cause I made that point three weeks ago and I like to toot my own horn, fuck you.

Cowboys @ Titans
Not much to say here. Vince Young is thrown to the wolves and Dallas has a field day with the lowly Titans while pissing off fantasy football owners everywhere by scoring with three different running backs. Parcells hates fantasy geeks almost as much as he hates that one receiver whose name slips my mind.

Seahawks @ Bears
The Hawks lull everyone into a false sense of security by letting themselves get bombed on by the Bears. Ricky Manning Jr. spits in William Shakespeare’s face by proving that a rose by any other name would smell like shit. It’s all about the name.

Now they get into the Albert Haynesworth incident, and I can’t tell you how much I love The Onion. Collinsworth approves of the suspension and trumps it by calling or an arrest. Up yours, Worthless, Gurode already says he’s not a big enough pussy to sick the cops on Al. They touch on Cincinnatti’s legal troubles as well, and I’d be careful with all the joke-making. There are people on that team that might kill you. Ricky Manning Jr. gets his second mention in the episode, and I can’t understand why everybody’s getting on his case for beating up a nerd at Denny’s. Isn’t that what football players are supposed to do?

Lions @ Rams
Time for our first SIS, and I’m spotting a trend here. This week it’s Tory Holt up against brother Terrence. What the hell are these jerk-offs going to do when there are no brother match-ups to feature. Well, I think Bill Cowher has three daughters, so that‘s two more SISes right there. So, anyway, Terrence lays up on his brother and Tory predictably drops a TD. Somehow this was a shitty game despite 75 points scored.

Browns @ Oakland
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Colts @ Jets
I went to the bathroom at this point so I missed Mr. T dressed up in Jets gear and now I pity myself. I’m a fool. The Colts have to come back twice on the Jets in the 4th, and I’m now more certain than ever that Peyton Manning will never even sniff a Super Bowl.

The idiots sit around and talk about how the Colts aren’t as good as last year because they no longer have Edgerrin James and can’t stop the run and I suddenly catch myself playing with the remote and realize that I am actually watching this garbage for a reason.

Now we get into the big tear jerking story of the week, which will now get its own abbreviation….TJW. This one is about Ernie Davis, college phenom who broke all of Jim Browns college records, but never took a snap in the NFL because he developed Leukemia. Too sad to make fun of, but I can not say it enough: This shit does not belong on my so-called highlight and analysis show. Big ups for making Art Modell look like he has a soul, though. Smoke and mirrors, people. The staples of good journalim. Is it journalism or Talevisionism? Broadcasting? Whatever.

Peter King is back and I flatline. Something about Goodell shutting down online gambling to avoid fixed games. Seriously. Also, Brett Favre will not be traded. Do you get the feeling there are going to ask King that question every week until he admits he has no idea?

Niners @ Chiefs
LJ is miked up! We are treated to lots of slow-mo and sideline blah blah blah. Herman Edwards says, “When you go through the storms of life, you come out a better person,” and I think to myself, “That’s not even a real cliché. That’s just stupid.”

Retard face-off
1)Ugliest thing you’ve ever seen on the field? Dan says Daryll Talley without his helmet on, and I chuckle despite myself. I suck.
2)Underrated player? Dan gives a shout out to Brees and Terry Glenn, presumably because they both had good games last week and that’s as far back as Marino can remember. Carter absolutely blows my mind and deems Pennington the most undervalued player. Insight? From Carter? The hell you say.
3)How will TO act if he makes a TD in Philly? I refuse to care, so I didn’t pay attention to their answers. Sue me.
4)I don’t remember the question, but apparently Bob Costas is afraid of the midget Kiss cover band Mini-Kiss, and the idea of it sort of tickles me, but since I’ve been watching that show about the midget family on TLC I can no longer laugh at little people. Who knew they had feelings?

Jags @ Skins
I sure do like to see Jacksonville lose for some reason, and how can you not like the Redskins when Clinton Portis shows up for his press conference this week as Dolemite Jenkins, in full Napoleon Dynamite gear complete with Vote for Santana ringer T. That’s just rich, chewy goodness.

The team goes into their take on the upcoming Dallas-Philly match-up and the highlight here is the Eagles fan who wrote a TO song saying that Owens plays poker with Hitler and craps with Hussein and is just basically an all around pedophile. Wow, INFL, using that cable TV to get edgy? Not bad. Not great, but not bad. Any way, Carter, Costas and Marino pick Dallas, while Collinsworth and Marino like Philly. That’s not a mistake, I’m pretty sure Dan picked them both.

Patriots @Bengals
Tom Brady will not lose two games in a row. I know this because I heard him say it in an interview. That’s not cocky, that’s confidence. The kind of confidence you would have found in say, I don’t know, Joe Freaking Montana! Second coming! Second Coming! Second Coming!

Now, put the women and children to bed cause here comes the swearing.

Chargers @ Ravens
Those sly devils at INFL start the highlights with the chock full of irony inspirational huddle up of Marty Schottenheimer. Something about playing a perfect game and-FUCK YOU, I KNOW! FUCK YOU, I KNOW! FUCK YOU, I KNOW! FUCK YOU, I KNOW! FUCK YOU, I KNOW!

Then everybody but Costas picks Denver to beat Baltimore this week, and Collinsworth and Costas smartly pick the Bolts to beat the Steelers. That’s all. It’s over. Move along.

It's a Broom. Get it??

It's just unbelievable. It's a better team than last year's squad, save that Giles guy who has proven his uselessness to me over and over again, good thing we have him for two more years at NINE MILLION DOLLARS, but what the hell is going on? It's the Cardinals, they nearly blew an 8 1/2 game lead in the last 10 games of the season. They have one, ONE, pitcher. And Jared Fucking Weaver goes out there and looks like Dwight Gooden prior to him snorting all the coke in New York, the chalk lines at Shea, and the dander of small kittens looking for a high.

I've heard lots of things in the last couple of hours. Things that could be construed as excuses. "Well, they just don't win day games." Oh really? Is that why they got 4 hits and struck out nine times. "Well, they just don't win at home." Well, that makes a whole lot of fucking sense, you know, not being able to win in front of your home crowd for 81 GAMES IN A SEASON! "Well, it's the shadows." The shadows? Are there invisible Padre killing demon like beings in the shadows that make our team absolutely suck?

We here in San Diego are rooting for FAILURES. We are a bunch of failures. We are utterly incapable of being remotely considered good teams. We get our hopes up each year, our local television stations cheer cheer and rah rah when we win a game, and it's big news when we lock down first place in May. And then come the playoffs, where we try to talk ourselves into the fact that we can win a series, in fact maybe two. I don't know how many mentions of "World Series" I heard during game one. Well, right before the Defecation Orifice went yard and had people making for Coronado to chuck themselves from the big bridge. Some call me a naysayer, once again, I'm falling squarely in the realist category as the brooms come out on Saturday. Oh? Have faith you say? Look back at the 2004 ALCS you say? Well, were not the fucking Red Sox thank whatever deity you worship, we're the Padres and we're nobody's daddy. Thanks for 2006 guys, maybe management can sign Alan Wiggins’ soul, Dave Dravecky’s left arm, and Eric Show’s ghost and really shore this thing up for another Western Division Championship.

Oh, and a hearty Fuck You to St. Louis. You beat us again, and I will make sure I do something vile to that Arch you all are so freakin' proud of.

I'm Gonna Be Sick.

Way to own home field you effing douche bags! Don't give this shit about shadows creeping in and wah, wah, wah! You looked worthless out there. And what the hell is Albert Muddbutt out my Pujols doing with three hits in this game? Why are you still pitching to him? Are you dumb? Are you retarded? Are you convinced he's a fluke for some reason? The guy is now outscoring you guys three to one in two games. Fuck you! Hey, I've got an idea. Ryan fucking Klesko got a hit off of the seemingly untouchable Jeffrey fucking Weaver. Why don't we trot Rhino out to right field, cause as far as I can tell no one bats for that position in the line-up. Oh, sorry, Brian Giles is responsible for the only RBI in this series so far. Let's get him an extension. God damn it! This isn't 1984! This isn't the perenially hard luck Cubs! You guys have buried yourselves! Hopefully, when the Pads get back to the post season in ten years, they'll get to face anyone on the planet other than the ass hat Cardinals!

She's "Leaning." Get it?

Just a handful of stuff for a slow Thursday morning here. I always save the big stuff for Friday.

*Terrance Kiel is back on the field for the Mighty Chargers this week. Tilt your televisions accordingly to adjust for the "lean."

*Randy Moss has officially demanded a trade from the hapless Raiders. Okay, I know he didn’t actually say he was demanding a trade, but he did talk a bunch of shit and then said he wouldn’t be opposed to a trade. Since I’m pretty sure no one in the Raiders organization has even hinted at the prospect, Moss’ statement pretty much screams trade demand to me. It’s like when you’re in a relationship you don’t want to be in anymore, so you do the chicken shit thing and treat the other person so shitty that they’re the ones who have to be burdened with saying, “I never want to see your fat, stupid face again!” It usually works, but those last few weeks are no good for anybody. Personally, I can’t wait for the Dolphins to trade Culpepper for Moss straight up in what might be the most ironic football move in history, seeing as those two seem to be pretty much worthless without each other. That trade would also fulfill a lifelong fantasy of mine that I didn’t even know I had until now. That fantasy being to beat the Raiders twice in a season with both Aaron Brooks and Daunte Culpepper. How sweet would that be? Pretty dang sweet.

*Kevin Acee of the San Diego Union-Tribune-Chronicle-Post-Press wrote this little gem of an article today. Basically it says that everybody and their mother said all off-season that Philip Rivers wouldn’t be throwing the ball much this year, so we should all shut the fuck up and let Marty do his fucking job. This begs the question, “Did I dream that our stupid coach said the offense wouldn’t be pared back at all for Rivers?” Everybody is an ass hat in that one.

*Many of you probably noticed 1st round draft pick Antonio Cromartie running back the final kick-off return on Sunday. Looks like he may get more opportunities, as he has impressed coaches with his speed covering punts. This is no surprise to me since he is freaking Greased Lightning in Madden 2007. He gets there before the ball every time.

*Fantasy football is gay. There, I said it. I can not justify playing Ward against my Chargers this week, but I’m doing it anyway. I will have a large smile on my face when he gets me no points. I promise. Totally gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

That seems like about a handful. Sorry about the cursing, Mom. Go Bolts!!!

Waking Up Is Hard To Do.

All right, it’s time to get up on the old soapbox. I’ve had a few days now to digest Sunday morning’s debacle in Baltimore. I’ve been able to attempt a cooling off period so that I could be objective. And I will be objective. As objective as I can be in light of the situation.

“I want Marty’s head on a pike!”

And I think I’ll get it. A lot of people have been saying all along that Marty is gone this year if he doesn’t take us deep in the playoffs. I, myself, have long believed nothing short of a Superbowl appearance would save Schotty’s job. But I’m telling you right now, I more than expect our stoic “leader” to be gone by midseason if he doesn’t start letting this offense roll. For God’s sake, Antonio Gates has 10 receptions and one TD through three games! Inexcusable.

Don’t just take my word for it; check out these articles by Don Banks and Clark Judge. These aren’t your typical San Diego hacks, these are guys people actual read and at times respect the opinions of. The funny thing is that the sad sacks that write for our paper are even questioning the coach. Of course, with Nick Canepa, this probably has more to do with his school girl crush on GM A.J. Smith, who would love nothing more than to turn back time and set the coach loose two years ago. Who can blame him, though?

Of course, this is one game, and if this year is anything like last year, Marty will hang 47 points on Pittsburgh this Sunday and all will be temporarily forgiven. Right up until we run into this year’s Miami. Will it be St. Louis? Arizona? At some point, or more likely points, we will see this again. The tenuous grasp to a hopeless lead.

I’m tired of it, and that’s saying a lot. I have been something of a Marty apologist. I’ve been happy to see us putting up winning records two years in a row for the first time in a decade, but I have been blind. We didn’t put up those numbers because of Marty. We put them up in spite of Marty. And this year truly could be worse. He is scared to even let his young QB dump the ball off to Tomlinson. Come on! Sorry Marty, gone are the days when you can appease the fans by letting TBE throw a TD pass. It’s not enough. We want offense. We want the jugular. And we want these things every week. We have the TEAM to do it!

So, I say one. One more hiccup against a team we could obviously dominate and I would happy to see Wade Phillips as caretaker for this team for the rest of the season. Then, let’s bring in Whisenhunt from Pittsburgh. Wouldn’t that get L.A. excited, while pissing off Al Davis at the same time? Whatever happens, something must be done. Please, Go Bolts!!!

Don't Be Too Hard On This Guy.

He's hard enough on himself.

I don't hit on baseball very often, but with all the doom and gloom I'm hearing around town this morning, I thought I'd try to offer some solace. I watched the first hour of the game on TV and caught the rest here and there on the radio. Stupid job! Anyway, I saw Albert blast one out of his Pujols and put up enough runs to ultimately win the game. That swing of the bat seemed to really take the gas out of the fans of the Padres. Everyone is second guessing the decision to let Peavy pitch to the Cardinal slugger. Interestingly enough, no one was bitching about it when Pujols went down looking in his first at-bat. Now, I'm typically one to rag on Bochy for his little league style mentality-the same mentality that results with the murderers row of Mark Bellhorn and Todd Walker coming up with the bases loaded and one out in the 7th-but letting Peavy pitch there was the right call. I would have been happy to walk Pujols in every single at-bat of this series, but you have to let your ace off the leash there. No top tier pitcher is going to want to lay down for any batter, be it Bonds or the Babe. The real problem with Peavy is that he knows he's not going to get a lot of support. He typically goes up against the other teams big name guy, and the Padres batters fold like CJ in a home game of hold'em every time. So Peavy pushes. His mistakes snowball. Two ER is hardly a bad game but he has a hard time shutting the door once it opens. It gets him in trouble, and the other team coasts through our line-up with ease. I know, I know, where's the solace Colossus? The solace is this: In a five game series, there's no way we see Carpenter more than twice. Jeff Weaver goes tomorrow, and Lord knows he's good for what ails ya. So, the Padres don't get the revenge sweep. Big deal. I still think we do it in four ( I think we'll get Carpenter next time, personally). And you should too. The Cards are the freakin' underdogs this year. Go Padres!!!

Suck On This A One Time!

What the hell is up with all the ass holes in my town who hate my sports teams? Does this happen everywhere? I have to think that this is most likely a San Diego thing. This town is completely overrun with dipshit transplants who spent one college spring break here and decided to come back and start fights, date rape co-eds and generally shit all over town like they own the place. I swear I’ve met more surly, smarmy meatheads from New York, Boston, Philly and Chicago than I can remember, and 90% of them have left me grasping for a shred of compassion towards my fellow man. One major problem is that people from back east tend to make no attempt to hide the fact that they think people from the west coast are about as useful as a seat belt in a plane crash. The sense of entitlement is astounding. This becomes their town for a few years, they inevitably leave, and a whole new group of butt nugget frat boys move in. Thing is, though, I don’t really care. I know it sounds like I do, but I’m used to it. I can handle the over crowded bars. I can handle it when one of these shit bags thinks I don’t get their clever little jab at my expense. I’m from San Diego. I’m obviously a total retard. No problem. What I can’t understand is the seemingly inexplicable hatred so many of these people have for my teams. Especially the Chargers.

I give much props to anyone who brings their fandom all the way across the country. Lord knows I would still follow my beloved Bolts if I moved to Saskatchewan (Not if they moved to L.A., though. I once rooted for the Lakers until I realized what I was doing and became violently ill.). So, I can understand the hate if my team is playing your team. Hate away. That’s half the joy of being a rabid sports fan. In such a case, my team should have no chance in your eyes and I can appreciate any profanity laden tirade you care to make regarding my piss poor team and their complete lack of any chance of representing anything but ineptitude. Go for it, I’ll give it right back to you.

And say you’re relocated to San Diego from Denver, Oakland or KC. I certainly don’t expect you to embrace the Chargers. Not you, though, L.A., the Raiders have been gone for a decade or so, so get over it, bitches. The rest of you, though, I expect nothing but vitriol from the rest of you. Bring it, cause mine is sure to have already been broughten.

But what is up with you jerk-offs whose teams barely cross paths with the Bolts? Hey Giants fans, what’s your problem? I mean, we could claim to have a problem with your little sissy bitch QB, but what’s your beef? Is it that our players never seem to stand still when you’re trying to pelt them with ice balls, so you’re only able to hit our coaches? And Philly, how classy is it to harass me for wearing San Diego gear into your Eagle bar? I should think you’d appreciate the fact that San Diego has actually provided you with a bar of your own to go to. The truth is, though, it’s hard to find a bar that caters to Charger fans to the point that very few fans of other teams show up. I can think of bars that are stocked almost entirely with fans for the Steelers, Eagles or Niners off the top of my head, but the bar we go to fills up with Giants, Seahawks, Broncos and Patriots fans every Sunday, many of whom seem to be there more to ruin my experience than to enjoy their own game.

I started watching this team when I was six years old, and while San Diego is often knocked as a fair weather town, such is certainly not the case with the group of friends CJ and I watch the games with. The Charger organization has done much over the years to weaken the fan support of this team, and that’s unfortunate, but the fans are still here. They really are. Yet random Raider ass hat comes by my desk yesterday and asks me how my weekend went. I should have known I was being set up, but I answered with the well known refrain, “It was going great until my Chargers lost.” His reply: “So, I guess they’re not your favorite team anymore?” Okay, now that I type that out, it is a pretty good rip, but fuck you, Raider fan! You don’t know me!

I don’t expect you to come to my town and embrace my team. I know some people that have and it’s great, but I don’t think geography necessarily has to dictate the team you love. I just wish you’d shut the fuck up about how much you hate my Bolts, when you have no actual reason to care. You love my city? Then lay off my football team.

Actually, I don’t care what you say about my team, I just wanted to rant about all the fucksticks who come to my town and get in my way all day. And quit bitching about San Diego drivers, every ass bag on the road is from your town! Thanks for listening, maybe tomorrow I’ll write about football. Go Bolts!!!

Not This Again...

As per Max's previous post, now is not the time for ranting yet again with regard to the poor performances of our coaching staff this past gloriously ruined Sunday morning. I don't have the energy left in my body after last season's repeated ineptitude to follow it up the exact same way in season 2006. I just can't continue down that road.

The question is one of philosophy. Obviously the answer that has been pounded into my skull forcefully is one I disagree with wholeheartedly. I will never believe that instead of stabbing the dagger into the deepest part of your opponents soulless satanic fueled bodies, you should instead run the ball out of the same formation on every single play, throwing creativity and all things related to testicles out the window. No sir, I believe in cutting, beating, and stomping, until the opponent is metaphorically bleeding out of their eyes and ears while soiling their unis with tears streaming wildly. Unfortunately, we have a coaching staff who does not agree with or like my metaphorical scenario.

So we return to 2005. It was Philadelphia all over again. It was Pittsburgh and Dallas reincarnated. It was entirely shit. We can spend all kinds of time citing numerous examples, and maybe someone around here can still muster the energy to care, but I for one am out of that kind of energy (9 pass attempts in the second half, 5 of which came in the last 34 seconds, or close to that.) I can't do it anymore, I can't watch 2005 unfold all over again. We continue to beat ourselves. We will continue to beat ourselves. My weekly coronary will continue for 13 more weeks, and I blame that dickhead at the helm. One of us around here can be a Mary ( I left the T out on purpose, he's Mary from now on.) Schottenheimer apologist, but I won't be. I have had enough. No more of that. Take the team now and get the hell out of here, I'll help you pack the trucks and send you off with a slap in the neck and a smiling,"Enjoy L.A.". I'm not going to root for a football team that's being run by a group of guys that behave like pussies with no balls.

I'll try to be more clear about my position in the future...

What Have You Done To Our Longsnapper, Hussy!

I’m not going to go on some big rant about how the Chargers should have murdered that stupid team, or that we should have probably put that game away by the third quarter. I mean, I’ll rant some and probably a lot more in the week to come, but for now I’ll just hit on some of the key issues and concerns.

First, CJ picked an awful day to check and see if his Bolts hat was still unlucky. It is. In truth, cockiness abounded with the set we had rolling yesterday, none more guilty than myself. In a huge ironic twist, it was the girl who was preaching rationality all morning. Sadly, booze had already taken hold and our conviction could not be swayed. This made the victory much sweeter for the handful of Ravens faithful in attendance. We’ll see you boys again in the playoffs if you make it that far.

Second, Marty Schotteheimer picked an awful day to continue being Marty Schottenheimer. I am a common defender of old Schotty, but yesterday’s game plan was undefendable. I understand, as most football fans do but are unwilling to admit, the merit of defending a decent lead in the second half. We have a strong defense that is certainly up to the task. The problem here is that 6 points does not a DECENT lead make, you shmuck. You might have to think about converting a third down here and there if you intention is to eat clock. You may have to have some faith in your young QB and let him dump a ball or two to Tomlinson instead of handing it to him over and over up the gut. Douche bag! Oh, and if I ever see anything as ridiculous as that backwards rocket pass to TBE in the first half again, my head might explode and I will expect the district attorney to charge you with my murder. Murder’s a big time crime, buddy. Some might say the biggest.

Nate Kaeding picked an awful day to show A.J. Smith how retarded it is to keep signing players who are not Donnie Edwards to unjustifiably huge contracts. Don’t get me wrong, I like Kaeding a lot, but is $12+ million really what the market dictates?

David Binn picked an awful day to give in to uncontrollable sobbing fits over Pamela Anderson’s handful of marriages to Kid Rock. Move on, big guy. She’s gone. Now snap the ball, it’s your only job! Also, am I the only guy who didn’t realize that if the ball hits the ground on the snap, the other team is allowed to rape your kicker? That seems a little harsh, don’t you think?

One loss does hardly a losing season make, but if we don’t take it out on Pittsburgh Sunday night, I’ll be fit to be tied. I don’t want this season to get all iffy on me. Now, I’m going to go back to nursing my epic hangover and thinking about all the people I have to apologize to for the verbal diarrhea I had going on yesterday. Mother would not be proud. God, I’m an awesome drinker, but I’m sure a lousy drunk. Go Bolts!

My Awesome Picks 2

The above was the first thing to come up when I typed "my awesome picks 2" into google image search. Yahoo is obviously cooler than google.

Here we go again, although I can’t imagine why. If you were paying attention last week, I went 4-10 against the spread. I didn’t include the spread in my post, but believe me that’s an accurate score. Overall on the season that makes me a sickeningly unworthy 19-27. Hmm, that would explain why the guys in my office pool are willing to extend me credit this week (I have the money, but I misplaced my check card(Okay, I left it in a bar in Coronado and I have no intention of going out there to get it. Leave me alone!)). Being the glutton for punishment I am, I ain’t skerred to give it another shot. No theme, just rambling, and I save the best for last. Let’s rock!

AZ at ATL
Hmm. Atlanta has no actual QB, but employ up to five running backs at any time. Arizona has a QB who can’t hold onto the ball and is obviously trying to be benched via the big turnover.
Falcons 24, Cards 13

New Orleans at Carolina
Oh, Jesus, what’s the point? This one is going to bite me in the ass all year long. Believe it. But, hey, New Orleans is living a miracle right now and I’m just happy to do my part.
Panthers 34, New Orleans 24

Minnesota at Buffalo
Oh God, talk about a dog. I want to call a 0-0 tie, but I’m gutless. Besides, both these teams can kick field goals and/or score on defense.
Bills 9, Vikes 7

Miami at Houston
Everybody’s calling this and I’m hopping on the bandwagon, because Miami can’t score. Even in Houston.
Texans 20, Miami 17

Dallas at Tennessee
Tennessee can’t win this game, but with all the distraction in Dallas this week I can’t see them giving 9 to the Titans. With or without the drama queen.
Cowboys 21, Titans 14

San Fran at KC
Both teams are somewhat decimated so I’ll give it the home team. Even though I don’t wanna. KC needs this win, and I think Johnson goes nuts here. Effing Arrowhead.
Chiefs 34, 49ers 17

Indy at New York Jets
The Jets aren’t as bad as people thought they’d be. Good enough to beat the spread at least.
Colts 31, Jets 24

Detroit at St. Louis
Get your head out of your ass, Bulger!
Rams 27, Lions 10

Jacksonville at Washington
I hate Jacksonville. I don’t believe in Byron Leftwich as a viable NFL QB. They are going to make me eat shit all year.
Redskins 20, Jags 14

New England at Cincinnati
Cincinnati really didn’t look like they were so hot last week. More like Pitt was giving it away a bit. Palmer is too hot right now and Julie De Rossi’s knee ligaments are going to hold up for the long haul. For New England,Tom Brady usually wins or loses by three points, so they should beat the spread here.
Bengals 24, Patriots 21

Cleveland at Oakland
Oakland is the worst team in football. Anywhere. At home, on the road. In space or at the Earth’s core. Doesn’t matter.
Cleveland 17, Oakland 7 (Yay! First TD. Losers)

Seattle at Chicago
I should know better than to bet against this year’s Superbowl champs (Last year’s too. God Damn officials!), but they’ve got to lose one, don’t they. Feel free to pop those corks ’72 Dolphins, if the Hawks can’t go undefeated, no one can!
Bears 27, Hawks 21

Green Bay at Philly Monday night
Don’t expect an Eli Manning-like 4th quarter out of Favre against Philly. In fact, expect them all to look bad.
Eagles 28, Packers 10

San Diego at Baltimore
Baltimore finally has to go up against team that has actually won a game this year. The mighty Bolts have an offense and a defense. Baltimore? Well, they have a defense. Ray Lewis has shocked the world and revealed that his unit will be focused on The Best Ever to try and make Rivers beat them. I think the youngster is up to the challenge.
Bolts 17, Ravens 10

Smoke all that, bitches! Go Bolts!!!

Four Hot Girls To Offset Four Big Douche Bags. Fair Is Fair.

This week’s edition of Inside the NFL Ran Over My Dog began predictably, with the floundering four lamenting that they did not have to time to properly show every news station, sports news station, news site, sports news site, news blog, sports blog, sports news blog, celeb gossip blog, this blog and your blog how to properly cover TO’s attempted suicide and subsequent cover-up. They did manage to get in a quick clip from TO’s press conference, which the whole world has seen a thousand times already, and a few seconds of prayer to ask the Lord to keep this story topical for another week so they can tackle it on the next show. This story won’t keep, though. For some weird reason everyone, including the police, is kind of saying, “Well it didn’t really happen quite the way we said, so let’s drop it. It’s a non-issue.” And in the biggest head scratcher ever, the media seems to be more or less buying it. But what are our boys at INFL saying? They all seem to pretty much agree that TO probably wasn’t trying to kill himself per se. Costas and Collinsworth think he needs to be psychologically evaluated, while Carter obviously prefers to give TO the benefit of the doubt. Marino goes into his usual in depth analysis and uses the word circus a bunch of times and now, thankfully, we can move on.

Time for our first big Story Inside the Story. This one’s a doozy, so strap in and get ready ,cause we’re about to drop some big time family drama on you. Last Sunday was the battle of the Hasslebeck brothers and mom and dad were there. I know, I know, they’re not the Manning boys of Hazzard county, and in fact Tim doesn’t even start, but come on. Tim is married to the cute little conservative chick from the View, so give him some credit there. Of course, she wasn’t there so I have to assume the either she’s filming Survivor All-Stars right now, or they’re on their way to a messy divorce. I’m just saying is all (Seriously, WTF does that phrase mean?). So Don Hasslebeck is about as boring as his kids, and momma has somehow managed to avoid gleaning any football knowledge out of being married to a former pro tight end and having two sons quarterbacking in the NFL. Christ lady, one of your sons won the Superbowl last year. Effing officials! They both talk about how hard it would be to root for this game if both kids were starting, and I’m thinking there is no need to ever worry about whose team you’re going to have to go see on Sunday folks. But if the vaGiants ever make the big game dad will be there on the sideline making some sort of comment about how Tim needs to turn his hat the right way. That is classic dad stuff!

In keeping with the boring theme, Costas and one of the other guys sits down with Lavar Arrington in the studio. Lavar seems like a nice enough guy, but please. Most of the interview is spent talking about Jeremy Shockey’s comments about poor coaching last week. Arrington admits that such comments can be detrimental to the team, but then goes to the oh-so-original “intense competitor” card. Then he says he believes that, when healthy, Shockey is the most prolific tight end in the game, and I have to go watch the rest of the show in the other room because I have accidentally hucked my shoe and jammed a lamp through the living room TV.

New Orleans vs. Atlanta. This one turns out to be a kind of mini SIS, with a couple of short clips of what the Average Joes they talked to last week felt about the win Monday night. Blah blah blah. During the highlights they leveled this amazing praise on Drew Brees. “Brees was efficient…” Wow. The fact is, though, that’s it. Brees has always been just efficient. Likeable and efficient. New Orleans is a feel good story unchallenged, but the funny thing is, the defense and special teams are really the ones handling this thing. Bush has had flashes, and Brees is there, but honestly, when your special teams block a punt and a field goal and your D shuts down a red hot offense, you don’t need a lot from anyone else.

Pittsburgh vs. Cincinatti. Time for vindication, because Carson Palmer hates the Steelers for what they did to his pa-I mean leg. The honeymoon is over for Big Ben, and after two bad games I think we can safely assume that he will never be good again and the starting job in Steelertown is Charlie Batch’s to lose. I wonder what Bill Cowher’s daughter thinks.

Carolina vs. Tampa. God damn you, Steve Smith. If you go out there and prove that one wide receiver can truly be the difference between shit and a championship caliber team, do you have any idea what it will do? I’m not sure either, but I know it ain’t good. Ass. Also in this game, Chris Simms spleen came out, which leads us to…

Collinsworth and the idiot brigade going over the role of team doctors. Collinworth points out that Simms had all of the classic symptoms of a spleen injury and yet they continued to let him play. He doesn’t really get into the fact that these are also the exact same classic symptoms of being a quarterback who’s been running around for three hours getting hammered by 300 pound men. Ultimately, the brain trust decides that there should be a team doctor and a player doctor on the sideline for every team, because what’s funnier than watching two doctors beat each other up on the sideline? Nothing.

Now Chris Collinsworth sits down with Carson Palmer, and I realize we might possibly escape this episode without a Peter King piece. Ooh, don’t jinx it! Anyway, Chrissy gets all up on Palmer’s taint while comparing his don’t tolerate bullshit attitude to that of three time Superbowl QB, Troy Aikman. Tom Brady has dibs on Montana comparisons so don’t even go there. Then they talk about “the play that everybody’s seen” while actually showing the play, just in case you’re not one of everybody. Here comes the tear jerker card, as they interview all the family members of Julie De Rossi, who was killed by a drunk driver and whose ligaments were used to repair Carson’s knee. What’s on tap for next week? Chester Taylor grew up next to a dog pound and had to listen to them euthanize puppies all night, and now he adopts all the puppies and takes them to children’s hospitals for the terminally ill children to play with. Hurray!

Now for some picks. Bengals-Patriots. Marino loves Brady and Belichek, while everybody else picks the Bengals and Cris Carter reminds us that after last weeks poor performance, the honeymoon is over for Tom Brady and he will never be good again. It’s time to bring in Matt Cassel, who ironically reminds coaches of a young Steve Young. Later Brady. You were always too pretty anyway. Go take you place on the Chiefs.

Back to highlights. Minnesota vs. Da Bears. Here’s the problem with this season of INFL in a nutshell. They claim to be dropping some games from their highlight reels in order to tackle human interest stories within the game, but then they spend five minutes highlighting a 19-16 game with only two touchdowns. After every play, some random player comes onto the screen to tell us exactly what we just saw. Is that for your female viewers?

Green Bay vs. Detroit. Who? Cares?

Washington vs. Houston. Pretty much the Clinton Portis show, and I can live with that. He’s fun to watch and I have him on my fantasy team. Has anyone noticed that David Carr is quietly putting up some very big numbers? Oh, right. Peter King has.

Time for the retard face-off. I don’t even know why they bother with this stuff. It’s all a big dumb joke that isn’t funny even if you totally get it. The first question is if the Texans could build a time machine, should they go back and get Reggie Bush? Whatever. The second question is who on the show said the Detroit Lions would have a tough defense this season? Ha ha, it was Chris Collinsworth. You’re the dummy-head, Chris. Question three is whose spent more time in custody, the Bengals or the cast of Goodfellas? I don’t remember ever hearing about anybody from the cast of Goodfellas being arrested, but I’ll take you word for it, you idiots. Last question: How will Dan Marino react if Brett Favre breaks his touchdown record?...I hate you, I hate you I hate you INFL!

Indy vs. Jacksonville. And there you have it, both Mannings, and Reggie Bush are 3-0 in highlights this year, with Ray Lewis losing his perfect season. Maybe next year, Ray. The big story in this game is Maurice Drew-Jones. Not because he had, like a million yards from scrimmage, but because he’s married to a man. Of course being the modern day kind of gal he is, he chose to hyphenate rather than give up his maiden name. You go, girl!

St. Louis vs. Arizona. Wow, Kurt Warner. 12 turnovers in 12 games? Your honeymoon is long over, you’re in about the 8th year of marriage and your wife is about to start looking for some strange. And you St. Louis? Not pretty. I’m looking at you Marc Bulger.

More picks. Carter fellates Ray Lewis and picks the Ravens over the mighty Bolts along with Chris Collinsworthless (Woo! I was saving that!), while Costas and the one-thought-wonder make the right choice.

Only Costas is smart enough to pick the Superbowl champion if not for the damn officials Seahawks over the Bears. They’re about to repeat, dumb-asses!

And we’re out. Before I go I would like to make a prediction for next week’s show. Even though no one will even be talking about TO anymore, you can rest assured that INFL will bring in Dr. Drew, Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura, Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. McDreamy and Neil Patrick Harris to analyze the shit out of the whole situation. And I’ll be there watching that crap festival just so all of you don’t have to. That’s just the kind of friend I am. Go Bolts!!!

Random Thoughts...

Since we as a footballing squad, absolutely trounced the bye week last Sunday, it's time for this week's random thoughts...

* Terrel Owens tried to kill himself last night. Then he didn't. Or he did? I'm not sure. Needless to say he's retarded at best.

* Terrence Kiel got arrested by the Feds yesterday for trying to sell codeine spiked beverages to a couple of parties in Texas. I was in Texas last week, and Mr. Kiel didn't try to sell me anything of the sort. Welcome back to the starting lineup Mr. Jue.

* Buck Martinez is one of the most annoying baseball analysts that has ever spoken into a microphone. That isn't opinion folks, that's a damned fact.

* Albert Pujols welcomed Cla Meredith to the bigs rather rudely this evening. Mr. Pujols, I hope you get a rash in an uncomfortable place tomorrow.

* The Dodgers continue to be a thorn in my boxer shorts.

* I'm quietly rooting for the Phillies. Unfortunately, they are quitting on themselves. Damn you Dodger pricks.

* Ray Lewis managed to avoid murder charges for another week. We'll see if they bring charges against the Bolts after we are through with them.

* Full comprehensive week profile and preview to follow. Now get back to work slackers.

That is all for now, stay tuned...

TO OD? TK DEA? ROFLOL?

As a couple of people may remember, in the movie Mr.Jones, Richard Gear plays a screwed up mess of a man with manic depression. What nobody knows is that my batshit crazy ex-girlfriend and her batshit crazy mother were both extras in the movie during a scene that fittingly took place in a mental institution. Ever since, I get all kinds of uncomfortable when confronted with manic depresion and/or Richard Gear. What this has to do with football, you'll just have to read on to find out. Seriously, though, how deranged is it that someone took a picture of the VHS box for this little remembered movie sitting on a coffee table, and then posted it on the internet? Creepy.

It was a pretty heavy night on the police docket last night. We had one big story on a national level, and one on the local front. I’ve got a quick take on both, so let’s get the really big one out of the way first.

TO was taken to the hospital last night. Police found him shortly after exceeding the recommended dosage of pain killers he was given for his current wrist injury. When officers asked him whether he was trying to harm himself, TO allegedly replied that he was. Between me and you, if the word allegedly grates on you at all, avoid ESPN for the next couple of months.

A year or so back, I heard a theory that TO might in fact be suffering from manic depression. Extremely high highs and low lows. Untreated, manic depression often leads to suicide attempts. At the time the theory made sense to me, but whenever I brought it into discussions about TOs antics, people brushed me off as being dramatic. I wish I could remember who I’d heard that theory from, because I imagine they weren’t taken too seriously either. They certainly seem somewhat vindicated at this point.

Drew Rosenhaus definitely has his work cut out for him. Expect to hear a lot of phrases like “bad reaction to his medication” and “not lucid while addressing officers.” Sure Drew, if I’m not buying it, I doubt a lot of coaches and GMs will be. But you can’t blame the guy this time. Mental illness doesn’t translate well to professional football, regardless of the level of talent. Just ask Demetrius Underwood. All that being said, for once I find it impossible to root against TO. It’s hard to get down on a guy who appears to be suffering in a way most of us can not really fathom. I hope he gets the help he needs.

On to our boy Terrence Kiel now. Terrence was arrested yesterday afternoon during Chargers practice for transporting, possessing, and intending to sell a controlled substance. Way to supplement that NFL paycheck, ass face! Come on! You’re in the public eye to some degree. How stupid do you have to be? Let me guess, you hooked up one of your buddies so he could have his own NFL caliber source of income. That is tired. I have nothing else to say.

All Saints. Seriously, That's Their Band Name.

Fine. If nobody else wants to say it, I’ll say it. For everybody who couldn’t figure out how the NFL could miss the opportunity for a regular season grudge match between Drew Brees and A.J. Smith, don’t be too hasty. It has become painfully obvious after last night’s Saintly whooping of Atlanta that the New Orleans Saints are going to the Super Bowl. It’s just a fact, people. Accept it. If you can’t accept it, let me break it down for you.

A) They have Drew Brees. He was the Chargers’ starting QB for a number of years, in case you don’t remember.

B) They have a couple of big time bust out playmakers in Deuce McCallister and Reggie Bush. A certain San Diego football team I know also possesses one or two big play threat type of guys.

C) Punishing run defense and a suspect secondary? Sound like any team you’ve ever heard of?

D) I think I’ve seen they’re kicker somewhere before!

Now, I’m not saying that the Saints are as good as the Chargers, but it appears they’ve put together a reasonable facsimile. You take a team based even loosely on a true story like the Blue & Gold, mix in a heaping bowl of emotion and you have to think that team is going to handle the NFC all year. So, good on you, Drew Brees. You aren’t going to win the Super Bowl, but you’ve convinced me we’ll surely see you sooner rather than later after all. Get on with your bad selves, Saints! But, more importantly, Go Bolts!!!

From the sports weekend...

Man, It's such a great time of year for sports. This weekend was full of action, so here are a few of my thoughts from the weekend.

MLB: Padres! What a great weekend for the Pads. Man, a sweep of the red (way too late) hot Pirates down the final stretch. Great! Also toss in Trevor Hoffman tying, then breaking the record at home for All-Time saves? Even Better! Oh, and a NEAR no hitter by CY along they way? Wow! Give the Padres credit for shaking off that home run derby debacle in LA, and coming together at the right time. It's rather non-Padres like, but it's sweet. As mentioned in the previous post by my homie CJ, the announcer during the near no hitter (NNH) was baffling me a little. It was funny. He tip-toed around the no-no talk for about 2 seconds, dipping his baby toe in, then before you could even blink, he was doing a double-gainer belly flop all over it. I haven't seen that approach before. It was like he was trying to use reverse-psychology on the Jinx. Well, jinx caught on. Oh well, Good on ya anyway, CY. Speaking of that announcer (Steve Quis), I'm sure it's been said many times before, but when they interviewed for that job, was it just a casting call for the best Vasgersian imitation? I guess we needed to groom a Vasgersion clone for when he leaves us and becomes the "Next Bob Costas"... To the untrained ear, Quis is pretty close. He's even started scooping up helpings of pop-culture references for good measure. Well, I'm an admitted Vasgersian fan (I'm not ashamed!), so if you're going to try to clone someone, I'd say he's a good choice. Anyway, a great weekend for the Padres, and hopefully they'll go back-to-back as division champs! They couldn't have ordered up a better momentum builder.

Golf: ugh. I spent quite a bit of time on Saturday watching that mess. I guess our sweater vests looked a little bit less goofy than their euro rain slickers. Well, no not really. Call that a push, but that's all we got.

NFL: Bye weeks are so sucky. It's like being sick on the weekend of a big party that all your friends are going to. And they call you from their cell phones and tell you all about it in real time, and you can hear the music and hear people laughing and doing shots and having a great time and all you can do is sit there and wish you were there. Thank God that is over. As for the NFL action that did occur, the Steelers Cincy game was pretty interesting. Steelers look ok, but not as good as last year. They've lost some luster. I'm not sold 100% on the Bengals yet, but I'm getting there. They look tough. I watched the Donkers vs. the Patriots on Sunday night. I admit that was a good win for the Broncos. They needed it DESPERATELY, and they got it. The Patriots looked out of whack, confused, and pathetic on offense. Since they were 2-0 going in, I reluctantly give some credit to Denver's D for that. I'm not sure if they really made it happen or if the Pats just had a horrible night, but I guess I'll give the benefit of the doubt to Denver D. OK, that's all they get from me... now on the other side- Denver nation may be doing backflips cause Jake forgot to turn it over a few times, but this still isn’t a great team. Where was Corey Dillon? He was absent? The game became one-dimensional, running the no-huddle shotgun pass every time. That’s all they did, and they didn’t do it well. The Denver defensive coordinator must have thought it was Christmas. And now for the other part of the game, the OFFENSE- man, if I were a Denver fan, I'd be worried. As much as Jake and his boys had the ball against a half awake Patriots team, all they could come up with was 17 points?? It took 3 games for Denver to get a TD, and their average score is about 10 points on O. That won't work against high some of the high-powered offenses in the AFC (Chargers, Bengals, Indy... etc). Broncos are still overrated in my book- they are better than about 1/2 the AFC teams, and worse than 1/2. But they are happy... for now. But I think their D is gonna get tired of trying to help this team win games with field goals.

Again, cheers to the bye week being over with, and to the Chargers getting back to business. I can't wait to have Raven for breakfast on Sunday morning!!! What goes better with that? Beer or bloody mary's?

The Mush...

Well, I don't want to make a habit of it but we here at this site are enormous Padre fans as well as SuperBolt supporters. Today was no different...

I'm a bit under the weather so I gave away my front row seats to tonight's game against the Pirates. It's the Pirates. I love baseball more than any human possibly should, but, it's cold, and courtesy of Southwest Airlines I'm ill, and yes, I'm an enormous bleeding hatchet wound.

So, I'm watching the game, reading. Nursing this death version of the flu mixed with a minor case of the e coli, and Chris Young is tossing a no no. The announcers, in all of their ineptitude have been blathering on about how the Padres have played 6,019 games in their history without ever having a no no. Keep blabbing idiots. You surely won't jinx him.

Into the ninth, with a perfect game*, the first out is recorded. Mind you, my front row seats are being occupied by someone who not only doesn't appreciate what's going on fully, but hasn't as of yet, with one out in the ninth, even had one beer. For shame.

Who strides to the plate? Joe Randa. Former Padre. Great. Just don't pull one of those Fuck Ass Phil Nevin routines when he played for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim via Huntington Beach Representing the Disney Conglomorate that is ESPN Nazis, and hit a home run to break up Sterling Hitchcock's bid for a no hitter. The last realistic attempt I can remember. Chris falls behind and Mr. Fuck Ass Version 2.0, knocks one out of the home run stingy doghouse, ending our closest opportunity for baseball immortality that I have seen in some time. Did I mention I gave my front row seats for this game away tonight?

Fuck. That's all I've got. Fuck. Fuck you Phil Nevin, and now, really, Fuck You Joe Randa. Thank you for taking a gigantic exploding diarrhea in my Cheerios you Fuck Ass.

6,020 and counting...

*one walk, who was then caught stealing. He faced the minimum after 25 batters. Ridiculous. Congrats Chris. Get Drunk tonight.

My Awesome Picks.

I kid you not, when I entered “my awesome picks” in the yahoo! Image search, the above picture was the first thing to come up. Whacky. Anyway, in order to illustrate just how bad I am doing in my pick’em pool, I will now share with you my predictions for this weekend of football. Comments in honor of Dan Marino and Chris Collinsworth.

Chicago at Minnesota
The resurgence of Brad Johnson, along with the additions of Steve Hutchinson and Chester Taylor give the Vikings a powerful offense that is ready to burst onto the NFL scene, big time.
Bears 27, Vikings 10

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Look for Ben Roethlissberger to get his game together against the division rival Bengals. Pittsburgh is always a monster at home. Expect that trend to continue.
Bengals 24, Steelers 20

New York Jets at Buffalo
Chad Pennington is already the comeback player of the year in my book. Look for his poise and surgical precision to give the Bills defense fits all day long.
Bills 20, Jets 14

Carolina at Tampa Bay
With Dan Morgan out for the season, look for the Tampa Bay Bucs to exploit the weak middle run defense of Carolina. Could this be the week that Tampa ends its touchdownless streak?
Panthers 17, Bucs 9

Green Bay at Detroit
Brett Favre has never been able to handle the really fast indoor surfaces and Detroit will be looking to take advantage of any bad decisions No. 4 makes. Would a beating in the Motor City by the lowly Lions force Brett Favre and the Packers organization to finally face some serious questions about the future?
Packers 24, Lions 10

Washington at Houston
While David Carr might spend more time on his back than a good Christian should, he is quietly putting up some very impressive numbers. On the other side, Mark Brunell looks like he might be close to being phased out. The Texans will load the box and stifle the returning Clinton Portis. Redskins 30, Texans 17

Jacksonville at Indy
Anybody who saw last year’s first match-up between these two knows that the Jags have Peyton Manning’s number. After convincing wins against a couple of serious playoff contenders the last couple of weeks, Jacksonville is the team to beat right now.
Colts 23, Jags 13

Tennessee at Miami
Tennessee is out to prove they are not the team that gave up 40 to the San Diego Chargers last week. Look for them to play fast and loose, injecting lots of Vince young into the game plan to open up the offense.
Dolphins 17, Titans 7

Baltimore at Cleveland
It normally takes a few weeks for players to gel. Don’t be surprised to see Charlie Frye, Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow really bring it together this week. And don’t forget Rueben Droughns!
Ravens 21, Browns 0

St. Louis at Arizona
I know I’m not the only one who called Stephen Jackson to win the rushing title, but I’m one of the few who’s sticking to it. Marc Bulger shakes off the rust in this match-up.
Cardinals 24, Rams 14

Philadelphia at San Francisco
What a difference a year makes! The acquisition of Vernon Davis, and the release of Kevan Barlowe to make room for Frank Gore have really breathed life into 2nd year QB Alex Smith and the 49er offense.
Eagles 34, Niners 17

New York Giants at Seattle
Seattle is going to win the Super Bowl.
Giants 24, Hawks 21

Denver at New England
Mike Shanahan’s Broncos don’t string together three bad games in a row. With Jay Cutler breathing down his neck, I expect laid back Jake Plummer to rocket into midseason form in this match-up.
Patriots 21, Broncos 13

Monday Night Football
Atlanta at New Orleans
America’s new sweethearts return to the Superdome. With the electric Reggie Bush and the stalwart Drew Brees expect an exciting homecoming with a healthy side of emotion.
Falcons 35, Saints 12

There you have it. Bet accordingly gamblers, its in the bag!

Not Buddy Ryan's Fat Sons.

Now for round 2 of Inside The NFL makes the Baby Jesus cry. The action starts out with the gang discussing a couple of the hot topics around the league. They begin with, you guessed it, Daunte Culpepper's struggles in Miami. As I figured, excuses were made. Injury and O-Line scapegoats were aplenty. Cris Carter felt expectations were too high. Sure, cause Culpepper is obviously still learning how to play at the pro level. The real head scratcher, though, came from Effing Dan Marino, who despite my own predictions, actually put some of the blame on the receivers for running poor routes. Riddle me this Dan, if the receivers weren’t where they were supposed to be, don’t you think they would have occasionally have been able to slip from Daunte’s tractor beam-like stare? After the Culpepper apologist hour, the fantastic four spent a couple of minutes tearing Mark Brunell a new butthole. I can’t exactly argue with that, but at least Brunell didn’t totally suck poo through a straw when he played last year.

First up in the highlights (you get nothing if you guessed right), the Youngest Manning versus the McNagles. I’m sure you can guess how this blowjob festival went. Admittedly, a good enough game to “earn” its way into the INFL highlight reel, so I can’t really complain.

Next up, Chargers-Titans. What? My fabulous Bolts? They must have realized we have a bye this week, so they risked not showing any Charger highlights until after week four. Well, they certainly made up for it by showing four, count them four, Chargers clips. A sack, a TD by Jackson, a TD by TBE and Michael Turner’s big run. Thanks for advertising that guy to the rest of the league. So, let’s see, no Merriman INT, no Jammer INT, No Parker amazing catch. F YOU, INFL! But really, thanks for the acknowledgement.

Now for our first SIS, I’m so freaking excited. This one is about the still photographer for the San Francisco 49ers, Michael Zagares (I think). What? Who cares? This is your idea of a story inside a story, INFL? Screw you. Anyway, the highlights were okay, the story bored me, and really the only thing interesting here was that the guy decided to dress like Freddy Krueger for his INFL moment. Seriously, hat and everything. Pretty sweet there, horror geek.

On to Bears-Lions. After two weeks, I think we can safely assume that Rex Grossman is a hall of famer and the Lions are bad. Real bad.

Next up this the Peter King Corner, or whatever they call that thing. First he discusses his favorite NFL subject, Brett Favre. King is convinced that Favre will remain with Green Bay and essentially feels it would be a horrible thing if Favre left to play somewhere else. Peter, we all hate to see our heroes fall. Next, King shows flashes of why we still pay attention to him by offering real insight into the Oakland Raiders situation. It starts with Al Davis not being able to get the coaches he wanted, not going and getting Bobby Petrino and having to settle for Art Shell, who has basically tried to resurrect the Raiders of old, personnel be damned. On the field, the QBs are taking to many deep drops for their line and are never dumping the ball to their running backs. Of course, even Cris Carter could have told you that.

Patriots-Jets, marking the second time the Jets have “earned" their way onto the program. I guess if your no-name receiver makes the most ridiculous catch and run in football, you’re in.

Saints-Packers. I’m sorry, everybody, but I have to rain on your parade here. The Saints are not this good. They are barely handling bad teams, and I think the Falcons are going to run all over them Monday night. But they had to show the Saints highlights for a second week in a row, because:

It’s time for the story of the week, the Katrina cryfest. The Superdome is back in business this week so INFL had to delve once again into Hurricane Katrina, otherwise known as National League Football’s greatest personal tragedy. I mean, does it drive anybody else crazy how the NFL has taken Katrina and made it their own? Could you imagine if Major League Baseball had a team in New Orleans? America’s pastime meets America’s tragedy. Look out! Someone move the Nationals to Louisiana before the season is over! I understand that this was a horrible thing, and I could never begin to imagine what it must have been like to live through Katrina, but doesn’t HBO have, like two other sports shows specifically designed to make you think and cry? I just want some damn football highlights with a bad ass voice over. Sheesh.

And just when I thought that we were going to get off this week with just one SIS, here’s comes the Raiders-Ravens game with Buddy Ryan’s fat sons. Rex Ryan is the Defensive Coordinator for the Ravens, and Rob Ryan is the Defensive Coordinator for the Raiders. They love each other like, well brothers, but are fierce competitors on the blah, blah, blah, blah. I have a soft spot for Buddy Ryan because years ago he socked Kevin Gilbride in the head on the Houston Oilers sideline, and that’s really all it takes to be a hero in my book. Sadly, he has one normal son, Rex, who runs a rock solid defense over there in Baltimore, and one retarded son, Rob, who took a job with the Oakland Raiders. That’s proof you’re retarded. It’s science. Bill Callahan super-sized my order the other day. Ding, fries are done!

The Seahawks-Cardinals highlights were solid gold. After INFL had to leave the Hawks out of their line-up last week due to their complete yawner, they made up for it in high fashion. Every sack was shown. 13 total clips and endless huddle shots, sideline shots and slow motion action abounded. Astounding. The Seahawks will definitely win the Superbowl this year, if the officials let them.

Cowboys-Redskins? I’m barely paying attention at this point.

Oh, I totally forgot about the part where Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum sat down to do some crossfire on random topics, and I’d like to thank my brain for allowing me to do that.

Last part of the show the guys make their picks. Dan blows Eli Manning and then picks against him because the Seahawks are totally going to win the Superbowl this year. Effing officials! Collinsworth blows the entire Jaguars defense, but picks the Colts to win because they’re on their way to their fourth consecutive Superbowl victory.

That’s it, I’m done. I hope all six of you appreciate the bullet I take by watching this show for you. It absolutely murders my brain.

Chargers 1000, Bye Week suck it. Go Bolts!!!

Car Ramrod Anyone?

Tell me this isn't the kid from Junior High who stole the new kids' pudding cups. Okay, it was my pudding cup, but that was a long time ago. In reading the article about the Foley shooting in the U-T today, Officer Mansker of Coronado PD here, seems to be desperately covering his ass. I have my doubts about his story. Unfortunately for Foley and his "accomplice," booze were involved. And everybody knows the only thing more evil than drinking is smoking. Still, Palomar Community College Police Academy graduate Mansker is going to lose his job over this. I mean seriously, is it a good idea in this situation to say you pull people over all the time when you're off duty? Do you call them chicken fuckers? Me-ow.

Your Seat Is Hot Fisher. Even Hotter Than Lauren.

Jeff Fisher comes out and says that Billy Volek is a liar. He says he has never been this candid concerning a player before, but that he feels that Volek threw the Titans organization under the bus. That would be a step above the gutter they’re actually in right now, but that is neither here nor there. One can really only speculate as to what the actual truth is here, especially since Fisher, while claiming to be overly candid, won’t give any details whatsoever. Being a huge fan of speculation, I will go ahead and do that. What we know to be fact is the following:

1) Billy Volek has been on the Titans roster since 2000.

2) Volek took over 500 snaps in the last season while backing up Steve “This is what they call an offense in Baltimore” McNair, posting a 3-7 record as a starter.

3) Overall numbers, a respectable 312 - 517 3505 yds, 60.3 comp%, 26 TD, 13 INT, 86.9 QB rating.

4) Titans draft Vince Young in the first round, signifying that Volek will not be their starting QB of the future. Grumblings allegedly begin.

5) Titans pick up Kerry Collins, signifying that Volek will not be their starting QB of the present. Volek asks for trade.

There you go. You really can’t blame Volek for wanting to be traded. Can you honestly get down on a guy for believing he’s good enough to be a starter? Fisher says Volek was demanding a trade constantly, which is why he was demoted. Well, even if this is true, so what? I a league where J.P. Losman, Charlie Frye and Byron Leftwich are starting QBs, what’s so wrong with trying to muscle yourself into having a shot? Or at least being appreciated, which I think he will be here in San Diego?

I’m sure Fisher understands Volek’s position. Unfortunately, Fisher is in a predicament. He’s on the the scorching red hot seat, and he knows it. The fans are grumbling, because even with a 3-7 starting record, Volek has to be a better starting option than Vodka Collins. Volek knows the players and he knows the system. Fisher may have done what he had to do, may have had his hand forced, but his candor is indicative of a man desperately in need of excuses for the disarray his team is in. You should have asked me, Jeff. I’ve got a doozy. Look the media in the eye and lay this one on them:

“The Chargers are going to make a whole lot of teams look that bad this season.”

That should buy you some time. In the meantime, thanks for getting our new back-up up to speed.

Now on to my quick-hit rebuttals. Since my cohort CJ rarely gets his ass in gear to rock a little content, I have to enjoy it when I get the chance.

* CJ, do I have to intervene every time I see some Raven fan standing next to you in the bar? Remember, it’s still murder if you have someone else do it for you.

* Infidel!

* I will be happy to kick you in the -Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey!

* If your team, which just so happens to be my team, gives up four straight home runs in the ninth to tie the game, you get what you deserve.

* Carolina is a traditionally slow starting team. Are you buying that, cause I’m really selling it? Lose to Tampa, though, and I sneak back and substitute Bears for Carolina all over my early picks.

* This Megan Vasconsellos really grinds my gears.

* I am not a good gambler, unless you ask the house. I lose a lot less playing fantasy ball, so I’ll stick with my geeky pastime. Ass face!

* I’m also a bit of a fan…Ass face!

Go Bolts!!!

Some Random Thoughts Entering the Bye Week...

* Why is it that when you pound nobody teams, “experts” still doubt the power of the Bolt. What? Do you want us to pound them by 70? I think we should…

* Ray Lewis may or may not have killed someone, or two someones. Okay, fine, he didn’t do it. Does that mean I can’t call him murderer anymore? Can I do it the week we play them at least?

* Not to get all political here, but that Ahminidhjhabad guy from Iran would be taken a lot more seriously if he’d talk with his eyes open. Well no, that’s not really true.

* I saw a guy this weekend try to stop a bloody nose, like a faucet bleeding nose, with a tampon. Yes, he was on a lot of drugs ‘allegedly’…Kick me in the face if I ever channel Rome again.

*Mary Buckheit of ESPN Page2 should fall down in a patch of Texas Red Fire Ants and fail to ever get up.

* Everyone is awfully quick to get off the Carolina Bandwagon.

* Everyone should read Kissing Suzy Kolber Now go do it ass.

* Everything after this week should get easier if you consider gambling on football any kind of entertainment. If you Fantasy Football Masturbators would try that you wouldn’t give any more of your time to that garbage.

* I love football season…

This Came Out More Serious Than I Though It Would. Oh Well, I Wrote It For Me Anyway.

It occurred to me that during this bye week I might be interested in hearing about how I feel about some of the other teams and issues in the NFL. So, to appease my curiosity I’ve decided to delve deep into my football mind and deliver some heavy NFL insight to…well…myself. Feel free to read along.

For those of you who don’t know, I hail originally from Minnesota. Now, I only lived there for the first few years of my life, but seeing as a great many relatives of mine reside within the Land of Ten Thousand Lakes (total lie, I swear there’s twenty thousand), I do feel an affinity for Minnesota sports franchises. The Twinkies have been an entertaining, competitive baseballing squadron for the last several years, and the Queenies…well, the Queenies are a football team. You can tell by the uniforms and the frequency which they are witnessed combating other football teams. All that being said, a logical place to begin my foray into all things not San Diego Chargers would be with the Minnesota ViQueen football club. Too bad they bore the snot out of me right now. So, let’s talk about a loosely related topic in Daunte Culpepper and the Miami Dolphins.

After acquiring Daunte Culpepper in the offseason, so many people picked the Dolphins to advance to the playoffs-maybe even the Super Bowl-that I actually had to go back and check last year’s AFC playoff roster to see where they were seeded. Imagine my surprise when I found that they had, in fact, somehow managed to miss the playoffs altogether. So why all the praise and prediction? I’ll tell you why. Two completely unrelated reasons. They finished last year’s campaign with a six game winning streak, and they signed Daunte Culpepper.

As far as end of the season winning streaks go, when teams who are more or less out of the playoff picture pull them off, I personally believe they don’t mean jack. Teams with nothing to lose tend to play with a ferocity and tenacity that comes with having nothing to lose. They go into spoiler mode, because that’s the only real joy of playing when your season’s over. I’m not saying Miami didn’t have the foundation to be a legit contender this year, but the problems they had in the off-season were obvious precursors to a letdown.

First off, they lost Ricky Williams. Again. This guy might not be the same kind of cancer as TO, but when it comes to cancer, all kinds pretty much suck the life out of you. So far, Ronnie Brown has not shown the world that he is capable of shouldering the whole load, and I’m not sure he ever will. Uhh, didn’t he split time with Cadillac (who also looks like he might not be living up to expectations) in Auburn? What made anybody think he’d ever pull of a one man show in the bigs?

Next, and most importantly, was the changing of the guard behind center. Now, I’m not saying Gus Frerotte is any kind of Pro Bowl passer or anything, but he has always been solid in a solid system. He’s fairly accurate, he can throw the long ball, and when he’s not banging it against the wall and giving himself a concussion, he keeps his head cool. Unfortunately, much like the Bills when they ended 2004 with a similar streak and decided to ditch Drew Bledsoe, the Bills felt they needed a less than obvious upgrade. Completely disregarding his poor level of play to open up the 2005 season, the Dolphins answered Minnesota’s prayers and took Culpepper off their hands. Now, I’m sure there are a lot of people in Minnesota that were pretty pissed when they let him go, but believe me, most of them knew that unless Troy Williamson turned into Randy Moss, Culpepper was never going to be the same quarterback he was in ’04. I’m not talking about those guys in the deep north woods who think Rush Limbaugh’s a hippie and that Doug Williams scoring 35 in a quarter vs. the Broncos was some kind of civil rights conspiracy. I mean real football fans knew that Randy Moss got after Culpepper’s bad passes. He took interceptions away from receivers. He out-jumped the field. And when he wasn’t on the field, teams covered the run, letting Culpepper keep his numbers up. Culpepper stares down his receivers and most receivers can’t help him then. No Moss, no chance. Now, Culpepper is a nice guy and the league and its writers love him and they’ll make excuses for his poor play. His line will get a lot of the heat, because you can’t really fault talents like Randy McMichael and Chris Chambers, but Miami fans better hope the coaches aren’t biting. If they are, and they let Culpepper run up a couple of more losses, all the fans will have left to hope for is Joey Harrington leading them on another meaningless win streak at the end of the season.

Wow. Was that harsh?

Let The Billy Volek Era Begin!

The Chargers have just acquired Billy Volek (a.k.a. the happiest person on the planet right now) from the lowly Titans for an undisclosed draft pick. That makes a lot more sense than the Billy Volek for Charlie Whitehurst rumors that were floating around. I like this move. That's a solid back up, right there. I've got to ask, though, what's with the 'undisclosed' stuff? Why all the secrecy? Typical A.J. Go Bolts!!!