Awful Weekly Picks: Just Kidding, They're Rad

At this point, the weekly picks have become an exercise in humility. I am clearly football retarded. But I blame football. Three overtime games in last Sunday's morning games? Hail Marys! The Titans beating the Lions? How is anybody supposed to pick this stuff? Why won't all of these teams just be what we thought they were, dammit?! Wait! The replacement refs! I can blame them! Everybody else does. So, yeah, it was the freaking replacement refs! Well, they're gone now, so it's my time to shine!
So call your bookie and and break out the checkbook, cause these picks are money in the bank!

Carolina @ Atlanta
Atlanta is feasting on shitty teams (sorry fellow Chargers fans) and getting a lot of praise for it. Carolina, and Cam Newton in particular, have something to prove. But they're travelling. But Atlanta has no running game. But Cam Newton's a crybaby. Bu tI hate Tony Gonzalez to death. Call this one a mad hunch.
Panthers 30, Falcons 24

NE @ Buffalo
Who is healthy in the Bills backfield? What's to like about Ryan Fitzpatrick? He will trick you into believing and make you pay for it. He is from Harvard and therefore he is definitely a book reader. I do not cotton to book readers. The Patriots have been losing and they do not cotton to losing. I think Buffalo still fears them, and they should.
Pats 35, Bills 20

Minnesota @ Detroit
Man, I want to pick Minnesota for this game. That game by Ponder last week makes me more than a half believer, but this Vikings team is going to have one of those horribly bad roller coaster season. I have no doubt in my mind that they will drive their fans crazy all year long by beating up juggernauts like the 49ers and giving up 2 minute drives to rookie QBs like they did for Andrew Luck. This feels like a game where they let the Lions get their feet underneath them.
Lions 24, Vikings 21

Tennessee @ Houston
Seriously? I'm going to have to go back and look at Houston's schedule, because it feels like we are a month into the season and they have still played absolutely no one. I mean, unless you want to kid yourself and pretend the Broncos are any good. I do not. And don't let the Titans fool you with that win against the Lions last week. I've never seen so many lucky plays in one game. Hell, in one season!
Texans (Ah, do something about that name!) 35, Titans 13

San Diego @ KC
Well, Norv says that Ryan Mathews will not be given the ball in high risk fumble situations, which sounds to me like Mathews will now only play defense. Anyway, I hope you picked up Jackie Battle for your fantasy team, cause he's gonna Jerome Bettis this thing at the goal line, assuming we can get it to the goal line before somebody-not naming names Philip Rivers-gives the ball away. KC is coming off of a big win against a winless team with no head coach. Inspiring. I think we're going to pull this one off, because it seems to take KC 3 quarters of boring the other team to sleep before they do anything. Bu tI think when the Bolts get out of the gate, they pin their ears back on defense and that's when they can truly dominate questionable opponents like the Chefs. Look for the Chargers to set us all up with false hope again on Sunday.
Chargers 38, Chefs 20

Frisco @ NY Jets
No Darelle Revis? Buh-bye Jets. I'm going to lose a $10 bet. The Frisco Friscos are mad and they're going to Frisco the freaking Frisco out of the Jets.
Friscos 30, Jets 10

Seattle @ St. Louis
I can't even begin to tell you how much I hope this game goes to the Seahawks on a horrible call by the regular officials. They will disband this unfixable past-time for good, no doubt.The Hawks are a mystery. The Rams are a mystery. Something tells me that by the end of the years they're both just going to be "kinda sucky." Which is a horrible ending to a good mystery.
Rams 17, Seahawks 16

Miami @ Arizona
Arizona could win the Superbowl and we'd still be all, "Eeeeh, I just don't know..." Miami is paying a little too hard for a Miami team that hasn't been eliminated from contention, but they're still not that good.
Cardinals 16, Fins 14

Oakland @ Denver
If there's one thing I was able to derive from last weeks games, it's that the Steelers kind of suck. Another thing I have a hunch about is that Denver is a team that is going to play well enough in fourth quarters to be considered a good team while still not winning games. That should appease the fanbase. Te-bow! Te-bow! He's gone, idiots.
Broncos 23, Raiders 20

Cincy @ Jacksonville
Because I try not to pay attention to stuff that actually happens and instead I create football reality in my mind, I still think the Bengals have a pretty good defense. Isn't that funny? I'm going to give them some free advice. Look out for Maurice Jones-Drew! That should do it.
Bengals 27, Jags 14

New Orleans @ Green Bay
The Saints have to win a game eventually, right? Probably not this one, though. Green Bay's too mad. Didn't you see Aaron Rogers passively aggressively bitching like a little bitch all week? That's a signature champion move.
Packers 42, Saints 37 What I'm trying to say is that your defenses suck. Not you, though, Green Bay.

Wash @ Tampa
No idea. Not a fucking clue. I feel like I have to pick Tampa cause they're at home and I've already picked way to many road teams this season. I already hate this pick. Tampa lost 13 in a row last year, why do I still believe in them?
Bucs 23, Skins 20

NY VaGiants @ Philly
This feels like it should be the week Mike Vick dies. But the football world is getting a little too excited about the VaGiants and that's usually when the VaGiants blow a game like this to keep everyone guessing. This feels like a 4 pick dumper by Eli. And it feels like the kind of game the Iggles win so the fans can feel sad that they might never get rid of Andy reid. He is truly the NFC's Norv. At least until we finally get rid of Norv and some NFC team inexplicably hires him.
Iggles 27, VaGiants 23

Chicago @ Dallas
Who wants it less? Da Bears.
Cowboys 14, Bears 13

I like to have fun with my scores sometimes. Just saying. Enjoy your damn football. Now with less officiating mistakes. I'm going to miss them, to be honest.