I was so exceited to hear that starting tomorrow Time Warner cable will carry the NFL Network that I almost forgot to post my awful picks for posterity. Just kidding, this is the week I turn it around. So go ahead and mortgage your house because if you don't you'll be wishing you had a time machine so you could go back and bet on these picks the way that people today wish they could go back and buy Apple. For real.
Of course I already nailed Thursday Night Football travesty, because that's how I do so far, but get ready for the real Sunday business. Class is in session.
St. Louis @ Chicago
No idea. It feels like the Rams are going to make Jay Cutler cry, but at the same time we are giving them a lot of credit for beating a rookie QB who may or may not be a bit over-hyped and definitely plays for the Redskins. Chicago's at home, and I think they right the ship. They're for real, and the Rams are still the Rams no matter what anyone says.
Bears 24, Rams 16
Buffalo @ Cleveland
Whatever happens, doesn't it feel like we all lose for having this game on the schedule? But if you like running games, these two teams are featuring some break out stars and some questionable defenses, so it's worth checking out if you have no other choice due to where you live in the country. Consider moving, though, really. The Browns have a shitty name. Get it?
Bills 31, Browns 27
Tampa Bay @ Dallas
I have to wonder why Tampa decided to stop playing in the fourth quarter last week. Just doesn't feel like a solid gameplan and it really came back to bite them in the ass. I want to be believe they learned a valuable lesson and the Dallas is already-already!-in tank mode. But I don't.
Cowgirls 23, Bucs 21
Jax @ Indy
Well, Peyton 2: Electric Boogaloo (lazy, but never gets old. Thank you, Breakin' 2!) showed that he can handle crap teams by leading the Colts to a last minute victory over the Vikings...who are terrible. Is Jacksonville a crap team too? Yes. This game has already been decided. By the Football Gods! You've heard of them, right?
Colts 34, Jags 21
NY VaJets @ Miami
Reggie Bush has had a notably long stretch of looking like he's telling you all to fuck off for not believing he could be an every down back and last week he broke it off inside you non-believers ( I never doubted him and if you say I did I will cut you). But I don't see him doing that against the VaJets(I'm trying it out).
VaJets 20, Fins 13
Frisco @ Minnesota
I was born in Minnesota and I still have a great deal of family there, so I feel an affinity towards the team. Because of that, I'm going to say pretty much nothing here but, "Good luck, Vikings. Might as well book a sex cruise, cause you're about to need a pick me up."
Friscos 34, ViQueens 14
KC @ New Orleans
I'm almost ready to admit that I was sooooo wrong about KC winning the AFC West. Almost. This one could put a pin in it. New Orleans has a shitty, shitty defense (and secretly, they have for a long time which is why they had to pay each other to tackle guys), but they're gonna score more points than the Chefs.
Saints 38, Chefs 30
Detroit @ Tennessee
Detroit looks to have come back down to Earth a bit. They're not crushing people like they did last year. That could change this week. Think back. Think back to last week. Remember how absolutely the worst ever the Titans were. Yeah, same team this week.
Lions 35, Titans 10
Cincy @ Washington
I like RG III. He looks exactly like Andre 3000 and I would love to hang out with Andre 3000. He just seems like such a nice guy. Even people in the south are like, "If my baby girl were gonna date a black fella, that's the guy." Too much? Anyway, they aren't there yet because their coach is Mike Shanahan, and nobody would would let Shanahan date their daughter.
Bengals 24, Skins 20
Philly @ Arizona
Gaah, who cares? The Eagles are going to win this game unimpressively. The Cards are going to lose this game impressively.
Eagles 19, Cardinals 16 (I picked a horrible looking score because this is a horrible game)
Atlanta @ Denver
I watched Atlanta beat the Broncos on Monday night and all I could think of was how boring they looked doing it. 3 picks in the first quarter and they couldn't sew that victory up until late in the fourth. What are people seeing that I'm not seeing. That team is overrated. And how about our Chargers? Look, they're beating scrubs, but you can only play the games they give you, and they're playing those pretty well. I think they're gonna spank the dirty birds on Sunday. And I'm still not gonna know if we're actually any good. But I'll take it.
Bolts 27, Falcons 13
Houston @ Denver
Mark my words, this will be the week that people will start to question whether Peyton should have come back or if he should have retired. Get ready for a spanking Denver. Houston is healthy and they are beating up subpar teams. You Denver, are a subpar team. I just know it.
Stupid name 34, Donks 17
Pitt @ Oakland
I saw someone pick the Raiders to win this game and I immediately blocked that channel on my cable box. So long, ESPN. Good thing I get the NFL Netwrok now, bitches. I'm looking at you Berman. You suck. Like the Raiders. See what I did there?
Steelers 30, Raiders 20
NE @ Baltimore
Baltimore is another one of those teams that looks great for three drives, and then looks like shit for three drives. They still refuse to give the ball to Ray Rice on every single play, which is what we in the football cooking business call "a winning recipe." Tom Brady does not do well against the Ravens historically, but the Patriots don't typically lose two games in a row. Call it a hunch.
Pats 20, Ravens 16 ( I already hate this pick)
Green Bay @ Seattle
I imagine if you fired open a Green Bay newspaper, you'd see any number of articles with a "flying under the radar and we like it" theme right now. I hate sports journalists. They're 1-1 but everybody knows they're still good no matter how much everybody wants to pretend they don't. Seattle beat the Cowboys and that tells us...nothing. I'm going with Green Bay until they piss me off.
Packers 23, Seahawks 20
There you go. Make something of yourselves! And Go Bolts!!!