Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Week 4 Premature Evaluation....

Welcome back to the weekly premature evaluations. This week is special in that most of us believe that not much can truly be inferred about the football season until at least four weeks have elapsed. Well, four weeks have finally passed and the first quarter of the season is in the books. As is the norm, we're assigning grades on a mostly pass fail basis, of course, unless I feel like being a dick. Ludicrous speed. GO!

  • Cleveland- ah Cleveland. Most of the sporting world has some sort of weird sympathy for your ineptitude over the years. I'm not one of those people. Lebron James left for a reason. You're a shitty city. You looked slightly less shitty this week, but that's like being the smaller turd in the punchbowl. Fail. 
  • Baltimore- If I've said it once I've said it at least once. You can't control your schedule. You have to beat the crap out of whatever poor sap you take the field with. That being said you beat a shitty team on a very short week so there's that to hang your murder weapon on. Pass. With a sprinkle of C+. 
  • Carolina- You will live and die each week hitched to the back of Cam Newton. Hope that works out for you more than 50% of the time. It likely won't. You showed some spunk however, but in the end you were just merely covered in it. Fail. 
  • Atlanta- Ride this wave high ATL faithful. Matt Ryan is playing WAY over his head. That crash to earth is going to go down harder than M.C. Hammer's bankruptcy. Remember your legacy is hitched to that train wreck. Pass. B-.
  • New England- This game seemed weirdly close late, right up until it wasn't. This was like that apple scene in Good Will Hunting when the southie Boston kids were messing with the Ivy leaguers except far less self indulgent. You even caught the Brady cussing on t.v. "We're tough dammit!"  Riiiiggghhhhtttt...don't forget your wife's uggs Tom. Pass. C+. 
  • Buffalo- You lost to an arguably better than average Patriot team. There's no shame in losing. Well, except when you give up 3408 yards on the ground to the Patriots. What's wrong with you? You were almost out of the irrelevant basement you were sharing with the other horrible New York team. Looks like you're stuck with that roommate for at least another week. Losers. You suck. F. Fail. F. 
  • Minnesota- Gritty gritty football team. I still have no idea what to make of you. You seem particularly good at... at.... something? KICK RETURNS! That's it! You're good at special teams! Yay for you! I can't possibly know how you're winning outside of smoke, mirrors and ketamine. Still, I can't fail you for winning. Pass. C+. You're improving however slowly. 
  • Detroit- You are highly regarded as the worst city in America. All the remaining 38 people in Detroit have is your football team. You disappointed 37 of them. One was passed out at the abandoned Ford factory in a cloudy heroin daze. Thankfully he was spared your performance. I'd say you've regressed but I think that's an insult to regression. F. Fail. F. 
  • Tennessee- There will be no more music city miracles for you. Good news though, Chris Johnson isn't dead! He's really great when you're getting the shit kicked out of you and the opposing defense is already at happy hour smothering their steak in bourbon butter. Fail. F. 
  • Houston- Yawn. I'll find out where you got your internet sex tape of the schedule guy and end this blackmail once and for all. This is getting ridiculous. I'm sure it gets harder this week though....(google).... the Jets? You get to play the Jets now? Fuck you, what the shit did you do to get this schedule? Weren't you in the playoffs last year? What the shit? Pass. B.
  • San Diego- Gah. The Big Lazy finally took the field and made $9,000,000 dollars. In order to justify money like that you'd have had to shit a football down the field to Antonio Gates for a 48 point touchdown if you wanted me to appreciate your presence. You did not do that.  Good news! Ryan Matthews didn't fumble! He also didn't mostly play. I'll ignore all the rest of the mediocrity for now in lieu of humble praise. Pass. B-. Don't push your luck with me. 
  • Kansas City- It's hard to shake the feeling that if you didn't turn the ball over 53 times you might have had a say in the outcome of this game. You have some promise I guess, but that doesn't make me hate you any less. You have been a wart on the Chargers ass for too long. It's about time to scrape you off. Fail. F. 
  • San Francisco- Words cannot express the hatred I have for your organization. Well, they possibly could but it would take far too many of them. But, in this case, you furthered the decline of the worst New York team that seemingly so many people care about. In reality, you beat a shitty football team handily and you made them look stupid. I like it when the Jets look stupid. So for a week I thank you. Pass. A-. 
  • New York Junior Varsity- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Deep Breath. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA! So much fun, ah soooo much fun.  J-E-T-S, Suck Suck Suck!!! FAIL. Space Shuttle Challenger Epic Fail Fail. You get an M this week, wait, M-. 
  • Seattle- Karma's a mother fucker Seattle. It's going to curb stomp you in the future. I hope you are ready for it.  It starts with the Rams. I'd sit in the emergency exit row of the team plane from now on as well. Fail. F. 
  • St. Louis- What to say about you except you're scrappy. Scrappy teams are likable but ultimately they wind up being shitty and quickly forgotten. Here's to hoping that's what you are. Savor this victory though, the inevitable Sam Bradford injury seems like it's on borrowed time. I'm feeling generous you plucky bunch! Pass. B+. Hoorah for you!
  • Miami- You're still a bunch of fucking losers, and somehow you lost to the biggest group of losers going except that for some miraculous reason they are undefeated. Did I mention things square themselves out after week four? Yeah, I was fucking wrong. Fail. 
  • Arizona- Curt Warner. Satan. Deal with the devil? Larry Fitzgerald now has no soul. Coincidence? I think not.  Pass. B. 
  • Oakland- Boy, you did a number in your Halloween costumes making Denver look like a powerhouse. I guess I had no idea how shitty you really were. Good thing you got that Carson Palmer off the bargin pile. You paid what for him? EEEEESH! Old Al is totally fucking you from beyond the grave. Your fans deserve this. They're terrible. Fail. 
  • Denver- God Dammit. You're going to make me sweat wondering if you're good or not until we play you aren't you? I hope your plane crashes into an AIDS factory. Pass. D+. 
  • Cincinnati- Way to beat up on your little sister in the rain. That's sure to win you some fans. We need not revisit the schedule guy again here so you'll get no further condescension from me for your deplorably boring performance in dismantling a football team that resembles little more than a mannequin. Pass. Moving on. 
  • Jacksonville- Still not paying MJD. Does anyone in Jacksonville believe you're not on the fast track to Los Angeles? Anyone? You will all regret celebrating the mustachioed Sheik that bought your team the way you did when the moving vans are running you over on the sidewalk. There's not enough fail for you. F. Fail. F-f.
  • New Orleans- OH! So CLOSE! Fuck you. Go clean the shit and vomit off Bourbon Street you fucking whiny losers. F. Fail. 
  • Green Bay- I'd say the NFL owes you one. I also say they'll make good on that. When? I have no idea, but some other fan base is going to be fucking pissed when it happens. Hopefully it's the VaGiants. Pass. B+.
  • Washington- You're not very good but you are exciting which is something. RGIII is the new something or other that's fast and has a rocket arm but seemingly only is relevant when he's turning chicken shit into chicken salad. He is the broken play master! That Shanahan though, woof. Bad news that guy. Pass. C+.
  • Tampa- I'm slowly starting to hate your coach. Lots of people are way ahead of me on that one though. You'd almost be likable except for that piss hole. What a dick. Fail. F. 
  • New York VaGiants- Gah! How did you blow that one? Andy Reid out Norved Norv and you still couldn't grab that victory around the neck and choke it out. You should feel terrible about yourselves. FAIL. X-. 
  • Philadelphia- You've clearly been suckling at the tit of fortitude. Your coach did everything short of quitting on the spot and forfeiting victory to the gashes of Gotham. Your upper management needs to reevaluate all of your lower management right now. Or at least take away their ability to use timeouts. Pass. D-. 
  • Chicago- Man are you wholly unlikable. The only thing that can salvage your painfully dull squad is if Brandon Marshall donkey punches Jay Cutler in his sulky face in the huddle. I'm pretty sure you can't play Reauxmeaux every week so in theory it might get harder to win. In theory. Pass. C. Dickheads.
  • Dallas- Ah Dallas!! You're so fucking fun when you're awful. What the fuck was that Reauxmeaux? I mean, besides fucking excellent for my soul, what the FUCK was that? I love it when your fans are sad. Please have a wonderful game this week so we can be blessed to watch the Romo/Garrett legacy continue. PLEASE!!! Oh, but Fail. F fucking minus Fail F minus. 
Another week in the books and the glory of the NFL is now officially in full swing. Sit back, relax, and grab a cool one. It's going to be a fun ride. There's still so much time for some incredible performances to materialize and so much pleasure waiting for us in other's failures. I for one can't wait. 

Next week's episode will feature far more assholery on my part and will be new and improved. Now with Power Rankings! Happy NFLing everybody!

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