Monday, September 24, 2012

Week 3 Premature Evaluation...

Welcome back, once again it's time for the weekly premature evaluation where we grade each team on a mostly pass/fail basis, unless of course I feel like being a dick. As is the norm, not feeling to sympathetic this week. Off we go...

  • VaGiants- God I hate you. Everything that's wrong with football starts with you. Yet, you're strangely alluring due to all the success. But suck it. You pass. You took the piss out of the Panthers and upset the baby puncher. That almost makes me happy. 
  • Panthers- Had you kept this close I would have respected you a bit more but you're total failures. Now that people have tape on Cam Newton, he morphs into a crybaby on the bench when he makes no one miss. Steve Smith punches crybabies. That's enough to make me watch. 
  • Rams- You got Cutlerfucked and didn't make Sulkface sulky enough for me. Sad group of underachieving failures. Though Bradford isn't looking extremely horrible anymore so that's good.
  • Bears- You beat the Rams. Congratulations. You banged the slutty girl 19th. Everyone already beat you to it. Pass. D- and I'm feeling like I'm being way too generous there. 
  • Bills- See above comments about the Bears. Beating Cleveland is nothing to put on your resume. It's something if you were a college squad you'd try to hide from the media because you'd lose points for beating up on the girls junior varsity squad. But this isn't college so you pass. D.
  • Browns- you're nothing if not shitty and it's fitting because your name is slightly less shitty in a literal sense than the Texans. But Browns also reminds me of shit which is also fitting your style of play. F. Fail. F.
  • Buccaneers- God dammit. You had one job. Make the Cowgirls look stupid. You didn't. Then your coach did that fuckwit ruin the victory formation garbage again and made me almost sympathize with the Cowgirls and VaGiants whining about it. Fuck you for making me almost do that. FAIL. Z-.
  • Cowgirls- You beat the Bucs. And you looked awful doing it at home. You're like the pussy kid in college that challenges everything the professor says just to hear your own voice and make everyone look at you even though you're totally wrong all the time every time. No one likes you. They all want to stab you with a pencil. Pass. D.
  • Jaguars- you showed some real mettle in beating the Colts. Did you pay your best player yet? You are fucking stupid for not having done so, and you thought you upgraded with the new ownership group. It's all uphill from here. Enjoy L.A. dummies. Pass. C. 
  • Colts- things were looking up. Then you dumped to an expansion team that's about to be moved with a quarterback that's always on the verge of being benched. That sounds very much like a fucking F to me. F. For Fucking Shitty Football in Indianapolis. F. 
  • Second Fiddles- Good news, you showed some heart. Bad news, you did it against the Dolphins. Worse news, people are sick of you and they aren't even talking about the VirginGodBoy anymore. You're so close to going away. I will relish that moment. Pass. 
  • Dolphins- I want to like you but then you go and make the Jets look competent. You're scrappy, which is admirable. But I don't admire losers you losers. Fail. 
  • 49ers- You are colossal fucking disappointments. Good news in that horrible performance of yours is that you lost to the Vikings and I kind of like them. But then I remembered I hate losers. So you fail. F. 
  • Vikings- pretty strange NFL season when the Queens can upset a potential juggernaut like that. No choice but to pass you this week but you surely have sold me nothing about yourselves. I'm convinced you will show up on Sunday and play football. Whether you'll do it well or not is really hard to know. Pass. 
  • Chefs- You beat the Saints which is so en vogue right now. Stop being so trendy. Pass.
  • Saints- Losing to the Chefs and then blaming the refs after you've already blamed the NFL for ruining your season? Maybe you just need to be more subtle next time you buy your defensive motivations. F. F. And another F for complaining about EVERYTHING. 
  • Lions- What the fuck was that? Chalking this one up to a night of drinking in Tennessee and the weird intricacies of the NFL thus far. This game was beyond explanation much like a goocher. F. 
  • Titans- What the fuck was that? How did you do that to the Lions after you defecated all over our field and rolled around in it like spastic monkeys last week? Pass. C. Dicks.
  • Bengals- Solid performance I guess with trick plays and exciting shit? From the Bengals? Have I mentioned that this NFL season is fucking weird so far? Is this not enough proof for you? The Bengals were a playoff team last year? Really? Yeah, no. Not happening again. Pass.
  • Redskins- you hung in there with a playoff team from last season. Really, are we sure they were a playoff team? Like, really really sure? They really were huh? I'm not convinced. Fail. You lost to the Bengals. That earns you an F every time. 
  • Eagles- I can't believe I ever wanted to trade Norv Turner for Andy Reid. Let's just invite those two guys to a buffet in Vegas and blow that buffet sky high. For the umpteenth year in a row you have no offensive line, you don't utilize your best player efficiently, and you are making your quarterback do things like math. Things we know he isn't good at. See? Norv and Andy? Separated at birth? F. 
  • Cardinals- many people were picking you to be in line for the first pick in the draft this year. Clearly, Kurt Warner is back behind the scenes pulling the devil's puppet strings again. Your souls will never be set free. Pass. C. 
  • Falcons- Congratulations for beating up the stupid kid at the playground, taking his lollipop and then recording him crying and posting it on Facebook. Well played. But, that is only funny to me and it's not that hard to do, it's just mean. And funny. Pass. C. 
  • Chargers. F. Fuck you. F. Fuck you right and proper. F. Wake me up when you stop doing the same stupid shit over and over and over again for years and years. Hey, did you know Ryan Matthews fumbles when he's not hurt? Did you know the only time he doesn't fumble is when he's not in pads? Maybe he fumbled his steering wheel when he crashed his car after curfew earlier this season. Vincent Jackson is no longer a Charger. We traded up for Ryan Matthews. See? You see? F. 
  • Texans- You're okay I guess. The only thing I can pick on is your stupid name and the fact that you blew the schedule guy. Pass. 
  • Broncos- Hey Denver, if you decided to play football before there was three minutes left in the fourth quarter you might not suck so bad. But you don't know how to do anything but suck so it's fitting. F. Man that always feels good to type by Denver's name. Oh, and die. 
  • Patriots- Whaaaaaahhhhhhh! Whaaaaaahhhhhhh! Dry your tears you pretty boy pussies. Geez. What a bunch of bitchy whiners. F. 
  • Ravens- Man, I don't think I could have handled the tears you would have spewed if you'd have lost this game. You and the Patriots should play in the Tampon Bowl every year. Pass. B. 
  • Packers- Boy did you get jobbed there in the end.  If you were Baltimore that would have spurred a murderous rampage. Instead, your fans will just get drunk and eat cheese and reminisce about Brett Farve. Oh, you kinda played like shit too, but the refs will ensure no one talks about that whatsoever. F. Fail. 
  • Seahawks- Better to be lucky than good? Pass. C. 
Footnote: All kidding aside it's time to fix this refereeing debacle. The two guys in the end zone at the end of Seachickens/Pack each interpreted that call differently. This silly exercise from the Big Bitch Upstairs Goodell needs to end. Just pay the real refs, make them sign an agreement that says they caved and let's get on with it. We get good football back and no one thinks any less of Goodell than they already do which is quite literally impossible. FIX THIS NOW!


Comrade said...

Really like these posts. In your own eloquent way, you see through the pride and bravado of the NFL. Keep them coming.

CJ said...

Thanks Comrade. This will continue and after week four, when it's agreed upon that things sort of settle out in this the weirdest season I can remember, we'll be changing this up just a bit. Nothing crazy but it will be a little more organized.

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