Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Week 1 Premature Grading Scale Finale...

Our final two contests that wrapped up the gloriousness that was week one of the NFL season were remarkably mediocre in their execution. Final two games to grade, again, on a mostly pass fail basis unless you know, I want to be a bit more of a dick than that. Here we go...

  • Baltimore- Pass.  Pretty good showing by what many including myself believe, that is, an aging defense can no longer carry the ineptitude of Joe Flacco and his merry band of disappointment. Needless to say, not unlike in Philadelphia, Ray Rice, clearly the team's best player is just not utilized to the degree he should be as one of the best football players on the planet right now. Nope, let's prove that Joe Flacco is the guy by repeatedly featuring his clearly second rate skill set in lieu of winning. But, for week one he passed. Ed Reed is still not a Charger though how so do I covet him. Ray Lewis didn't kill anyone for the umpteenth consecutive week so we have that to be thankful for. B- Ravens. Sorry you don't control your opponent, but Cincy has to do some more proving before I'm sold. And well, Baltimore is just a sucky place. 
  • Cincinnati- What is there to say about these guys? Do we really know anything about them whatsoever? Andy Dalton has red hair. Just when he appears to be somewhat competent, he serves up an Ed Reed Special and there's a horse race the end zone that no Bengal is winning. A.J. Green shows a bit of promise. But you guys just aren't there yet. Maybe you'll be something someday, but for now people are still confusing you with the Browns and really, that's not flattering. Fail. 
  • Raiders- Wow. What a bunch of suck are you Oakland? I understand that Darren McFadden is a great running back and will never be healthier the entire season than in week one, but to fire all of your tight ends and not really employing any actual NFL calibre receivers is not an offense that will pass muster in this league. And seriously, your penalty act is cliche. Quit being such a one trick pony. As usual, you're a bunch of fucking fail all wrapped up in a faux tough exterior. Your season appears to have died with your owner.
  • Chargers- Again, wow. So...our game plan was to kill the long snapper and ride that road to victory? Norv is clearly a genius mastermind of epic proportions to have thought up that bit of trickeration. The offense was vanilla and inept at moving the football on the ground. The passing game was all right, though I am a bit suspect of a questionable offensive line keeping Laserface's uniform clean. I have to think a competent organization that is not the Raiders will come up with a more viable game plan exploiting our weaknesses. That organization will not be Tennessee. So, for week one, Pass. Unimpressively. C. And remember what I said about C's. They are for condescending dickheads, which again, you are. But, you're a 1-0 group of condescending dickheads which is acceptable. And oh, Nate Kaeding totally ate all the steroids in the world. The guy hasn't kicked the ball past the opponents 20 yard line in his career and now he's banging touchbacks repeatedly? STEROIDS. Steroids. 
That's it for week one. And boy did that feel good! Football, concussions, substandard officiating, overly reactionary media and extraordinarily bad commentary are back and I for one welcome it all! Except you Berman. And Dilfer. You suck. Fail for you. There is no greater fail than the two of you. The Challenger Space Shuttle had less fail than you. F. No wait. FF--. You make abortion look like a Disney film. 

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