Sunday, September 09, 2012

Week 1 Premature Grading Scale...

I decided to start grading the weekly performances of each team as a barometer of where the Chargers will ultimately rank in the hierarchy of the NFL during the season. Obviously, this will shake out far better later in the season when I'm not making snap judgements based on one game, but a larger sample size.  However, the longer I wait, the more blogginheads will be doing this with far more accuracy and the fun of the immediacy will dissipate.  Some grades are on a pass fail basis others are more clearly defined.  So we go...

  • Cowboys- Eh, Fail.  Wait for and expect the disappointment Cowgirls.  You're terrible. When will you quit leading the league in hamstring pulls? 
  • Giants- Obvious fail. You lost to the Cowgirls. Kill yourselves. Seriously. Kill yourselves before you back your way in to another Super Bowl. 
  • Colts- Fail. Rookie Quarterback. Reggie Wayne so wishes he was in Denver right now.
  • Bears- God Dammit. Pass. Fuck you Jay Cutler. I hate you. But you played okay. I hope you get herpes.
  • Eagles- Uh. Super Fail? Duper Fail? How much fail can you pack into one game? You owe all of the fans their money back. Your failure is indefensible and you are wholly unlikeable and are possibly going to cost me money. Give the ball to Shady every time you idiots. EVERY TIME.
  • Cleveland- Sorry Cleveland. You're used to failure. Try to overachieve sometime and not fail so blatantly. The internet even ignores you which is impossible. 
  • Rams- Fail. So close to pass. But Sam Bradford is an unlikable character in a bad novel and a really bad quarterback. Stephen Jackson, fake a hamstring injury and force your way out of town before you're totally forgotten and wasted. 
  • Lions- You get like a D+ and I'm not even sure that's a passing grade. You should be ashamed celebrating that victory. Get your stomp back.
  • Dolphins- Ugh. So bad. You make failure look good.
  • Texans- Pass. Congratulations. You destroyed a bottom five team. But you did it without anyone caring because you are irrelevant.  Good work on you!
  • Falcons- Pass. Well shut my mouth Matt Ryan. You're a first ballot hall of famer.  Don't fuck it up.
  • Chefs- Boo. Fail. Yousuckchefs.
  • Jaguars- Fail. Fail. Fail. Go away please.
  • Vikings- Adrian Peterson passes. Ponder will be pondered. C.  You get a C. C's are for condescending dickheads. Which you are. 
  • Redskins- Pass. Good work new guy Griffin III. Make Daniel Snyder buy you some hookers. 
  • Saints- Eh. You got issues like a bad drunken reality show. You lost to the Redskins at home. Fail. Fail. Fail. So close to almost not being total failures though. No quit in you. Best no quit failures. That's an award to aspire to. 
  • Bills- No one cares about upstate New York. Fail.
  • Jets- No one cares about the second fiddle in New York, but you got spunk for what will be a bunch of failures. For now, C-. Pass. But you shouldn't feel good about it you dysfunctional group of garbage men. 
  • Patriots- Pass. Yawn.
  • Titans- Fail. And I'm looking directly at you CJ28. Take the money and run...or don't run just take the money. At least you broke pretty boy's nose. 
  • Seahawks- Fail. You made Beast Mode look bad and that bothers me. And you're awful. Fail. 
  • Cardinals- Fail. You made the Seachickens look terrible. But that makes you look worse. Sorry Fitty, you're going to toil in hell forever. At least you'll be rich. 
  • 49ers- God Dammit. Pass. That was impressive. Disgusting. Horrifying. But impressive nonetheless. 
  • Packers- Fail. Fuck you for making the 49ers look so good. Discount double fail. 
  • Panthers- Fail. Cam Newton is now a first round fantasy draft pick. Um. No. In reality pick, he's just not good yet. Mike Tolbert had two catches for negative 8375 yards. Way to leave money on the table to leave San Diego Mike. F. Fail. F. 
  • Buccaneers- eh. C. You beat the Panthers. I don't think anyone else but me watched so no one knows. But, a win is a win. You pass. Barely.
  • Steelers- Fail. What are you gonna say? The Broncos own you at home. Even with TEBOW you lose. Manning was better but that only puts a little shine on your FAIL. 
  • Broncos- Cough. Um. Argh. Ugh. ACK. ARRRGGGGHHHSHHHIT... Pass. DAMMIT. Fuck you. FUCK YOU. But you know. You looked all right. You know. Like winning all decisively at home with Peyton Manning as your quarterback and all. Fuck. I'm going to go cry and vomit at the same time now. Needs more neck surgery. FUCK. 
That's your first Sunday of analytical scientificlike grades. Monday games to follow. Welcome back football! Even the hatred feels wonderful!


Comrade said...

Great post! Total pass. But now for the next step, get all corporate and start doing a power ranking. Power rankings are popular. They don't mean anything and prove nothing, but are still very very important.

Maximum Colossus said...

Favorite post ever.

Paul said...