Saturday, September 15, 2012

Super Fun Picks Time - Week 2 Edition!

After nailing my prediction for Thursday Night I’m a whopping 9-8 on straight up predictions on the season and I’m starting to wonder why I wanted to immortalize my picks on the internet. But you know what? No guts, no glory. So I’m going to go ahead and double down on this week’s games. Each and every one of these predictions is a bonerfied sure thing, so you can go ahead and empty your child’s college fund this week. By Monday, you’re just going to want to go ahead and have more kids because you’re going to have enough cash to deliver an Ivy League education to a whole fleet of children. A group of children is called a “fleet,” right?

KC @ Buffalo
Kansas City is my not-so-secret pick to win the AFC West and they got off to a pretty promising start, holding their own against a strong Atlanta team in the first game. And then the second half happened. Still, I saw enough in the first half to tell me this team will be a contender. Last week I said I thought Buffalo would end up in the thick of things this year. What I meant to say is that Buffalo is liquid poo and not likely to get better as it turns out Fred Jackson is their version of Ryan Mathews, who is our version of utter disappointment through injury. Can you see where I’m going with this? Both of these teams need to work on their D a bit.
Chefs 34, Bills 23

New Orleans Drew Breesuses @ Carolina
Both of these teams have something to prove. NO allowed the most impressive performance by a rookie QB to date last week. Carolina lost to the Bucs. I don’t think I need to tell you that the Bucs lost 13 in a row last year and that Cam Newton was the original RG III (racist observation). I find it hard to go against the Breesus here, but that team has issues. And by that I mean their defense relies on luck in order to perform at an acceptable level and that should worry you bayou faithful.
Panthers 38, Saints 31

Cleveland at Cincy
Cincy is a good team that ran into a buzzsaw in Baltimore. They’ll bounce back against a Cleveland team that did nothing last week but prove that Andy Reid is every bit as terrible as everybody in Philly thinks. And I don’t like anyone that makes Philly fans look smart.
Bengals 27, Browns 6

Minnesota @ Indy
Like I’m sure I’ve stated in a smug manner before, there is no way that rookie savior in Indy is going to turn around that terrible franchise in his first year. And maybe not in his second year, because Jared Allen is probably going to eat him on Sunday. Of course, the Vikings have problems of their own. But AP looked good last week, and that should be enough to get them off to a promising 2-0 start before their inevitable slide into their reserved seat in the NFC North basement.
Vikings 21, Colts 17

Houston @ Jacksonville
I don’t want to be crude, but who on the NFL scheduling committee did Houston lovingly blow? Dolphins, then Jags to start the season. There are some kids in my neighborhood who would look pretty formidable if given that tough start to the season. Next week, the Mission Bay High School Buccaneers!
Shitty Names  37, Jags 23

Oakland @ Miami
Oh brother. I hope they’re showing this contest locally. Oakland is terrible, with a considerable lack of talent coupling with poor coaching to create a perfect storm of ineptitude. Over/under on touches by McFadden? 44. The Dolphins get some sort of strange high from slaughtering the Raiders when they come to town. Beating Oakland is like bath salts to the Dolphins. Bath salts is a thing, right? I should have gone with Salvia, there.
Dolphins 20, Raiders 13

Arizona @ New England
Arizona came out and surprised a lot of people by taking out a well-regarded Seattle Sea-I can’t even do it. This game is unfair, and there should be some sort of competition committee investigation into how it was allowed to be scheduled. If Arizona is smart, they are already game planning for next week.
Patriots 30, Cards 16

Tampa Bay @ NY VaGiants
This game is watchable. I think the Bucs are a big bounce back team and I think theirs will be a fun campaign to watch, but don’t the VaGiants just feeeeeel like a 1-1 team to you? Tampa Bay will play a fast exciting four quarters, a la “the hare.” And somehow “the tortoise” (Eli) will saunter across the finish line first when all is said and done.
VaGiants 28, Bucs 27

Baltimore @ Philly
If Philly can just manage to keep Vick in the pocket with enough time to make his reads, the Eagles have a shot. Wait, no. That’s doesn’t look right. That’s a formula for disaster. This game is going to be a disaster.
Ravens 34, Eagles 24

Dallas @ Seattle
Like I said before, Dallas prefers to inflate expectations to gargantuan proportions before taking a shotgun to that balloon. Seattle has a rookie QB. And he is not RG III or Cam Newton no matter how much the national media wants him to be. Russell Wilson must give great interview because ESPN desperately wants to crown him. But this week he is what we thought he was. There’s still something left in that well, right? No? Well, screw you then.
Cowboys 27, Seahawks 13

RG III @ St. Louis
The Rams set out to make a statement last wee, nearly knocking off the mighty Detroit Lions. Mighty Detroit Lions? That can’t be right. Anyway, the Rams ended up making an entirely different statement along the lines of, “We’re just happy to look competitive,” or “Finishing is for glory mongering teams with talent and ability.” Washington made a statement of their own, which I like to think was “RG III is going to save Shanahan and ensure years and years of falling just short for the Redskins.” Seriously, if not for Elway, Shanahan would be managing a Staples.
Redskins 31, Rams 16

NY Jets @ Pitt
The Jets are going to be playing with a chip on their shoulder all season. The Steelers are getting old in a lot of bad places and I have to wonder how good they really are after watching the Denver Mannings kind of just beat them up last week. With Revis out, Pitt can score with those receivers of theirs, but I don’t know if Pitt’s D can even stop Sanchez right now.
Jets 27, Steelers 24

Tennessee @ San Diego
The entire world is acting like this is a pretty easy win for the Bolts, but that just tells me that people are only looking at scoreboards. This Chargers offense was bland and uncommitted to scoring touchdowns on Monday night. That worked against the Raiders who only have one player. One. The Titans get Kenny Britt back. They’ve got Nate Washington. I’m almost positive there is a TE on their roster. And if you delve into the pantheon of dubious honors in San Diego sports, you’ll find that our teams have a way of rejuvenating guys like Chris Johnson. Still, I somehow think we pull this off. Making all that sweet schadenfrude all the tastier later on in the season. No, seriously, I swear I’m a Chargers fan.
Bolts 31, Titans 24

Detroit @ Frisco
It’s my understanding that people from Frisco hate when you refer to Frisco as Frisco, which is why I always refer to Frisco as Frisco. I’ll tell you what, though, Frisco looks pretty dang good right now. Not ’94 Frisco good, because that team was run by the mafia and full of overpaid cheaters, but still pretty good by today’s standards. And they are running into Detroit at the right time, as Detroit nearly lost to the damn Rams last week. That’s a red flag the size of Omaha. I have no idea how big Omaha actually, but I’m sure it’s much larger than most normal flags.
Frisco 30, Detroit 24

Denver @ Atlanta
It would not surprise me at all if Atlanta pulls some Jeckyll and Hyde bullshit and plays great on the road while sucking balls at home this season. Just seems like such an Atlanta thing to do. Remove Peyton Manning from a 10-6 Colts team and they drop to 2-14. Add Peyton Manning to an 8-8 Broncos team that made the playoffs and you probably have a Superbowl. I feel dirty typing that.
Broncos 28, Falcons 24

Well, there you go. There’s no taking it back now. I’m going to go soak myself in booze.

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