Monday, September 17, 2012

Week 2 Premature Evaluation...

Welcome back to Premature Evaluation, I'm your host and this is guaranteed to be the time you least waste in the very near future. As always, this is the time where I again assign the grades for each team's weekly performance on what is mostly a pass/fail basis, unless of course I feel like being a dick. And lemme tell you, I'm not in the best of moods right now. Commence attitude problem: NOW!

  • Green Bay- Way to reassert yourself Cheesedicks! Many in the national media were quick to write you off as 0-2, convinced you would fail against the mighty BearCubs. You did not fail.  Pass. 
  • Chicago- You would think that a four interception seven sack performance would earn you the SuperFail grade of the week. Not in my system friend. Chicago, and more importantly Jay Cutler a.k.a. Sulkface the Clown earned a good old fashioned fuckin' A GODDAMNED + from me.  Performances like that, complete with the Queen of Sulk Face on the sidelines and an impromptu shove of your offensive lineman that you don't feel protected you properly, nearly makes you a favorite in my book.  Your fail is my happy in the pants moment. 
  • Chefs- Again with you? Did the Falcons just put on Bills uniforms and annihilate you the same professional manner? Shame on you. I guess that's what happens when you put an unproven interim coach in charge of your team. At least we'd never do something like that unless that coach played left tackle. Fail. Yousuckchefs.
  • Bills- You beat the Chefs. If you're proud of that, you're a horrible football team. C. And by now we all know what C's mean. You're proudest moments Buffalo include O.J. Simpson and being on the losing end of the Music City Miracle. Woof. 
  • New Orleans- many in the national media, here fore to be known as the "Roving Band of Shitbags" were writing you off at the 0-2 level again. Only you succeeded in fulfilling their wet dreams. Now they're going to spooge "Saints are done" rhetoric and justify their happiness with the evils of your bounty program. So you fucking fail. Not for losing to a Carolina program that is not quite easy to beat regularly anymore, but for giving those fuckwits fodder to ruin my eyeballs with. Fail. F.
  • Carolina- Cam Newton will make or break you weekly. Steve Smith might or might not do something incredible. Who knows? Mike Tolbert will still be involved somehow. You're not quite there yet and you're still not quite interesting unless Cam Newton is on your fantasy team. He is not on mine. Beating the Saints gets you a pass. But you lost to the Bucs so the stench of failure is not that easy to rinse off. 
  • Cleveland- You hung in there Cleveland and we're all really unimpressed by the fact that you are still actually existing as a football team. Thankfully again, we didn't waste time watching so everyone wins! But, we still have to grade you and since Colt McCoy still can't unseat Shannon Tweed's husband at quarterback. Grade: Fail. 
  • Cincinnati- You beat Cleveland by a touchdown.  In my spread pool I picked you and the line was -7. You pushed the spread against Cleveland. Literally no one wins when you do. I'd lay low for a while or you're going to get a good talking to. Pass. D-. But don't tell anyone. It's still really hard to tell you and Cleveland apart really, so don't push your luck. 
  • Minnesota- really? You're only going to give the ball to Adrian Peterson 16 times huh? Were you even watching last week when he got the ball 20+ times and ran for nearly 100 yards and scored two touchdowns proving his knee was quite okay? 16 times? You get 16 FAILS. Zygi your owner doesn't have a long leash for your kind of coaching okay? You've been warned. 
  • Indianapolis- I guess you are going to be pretty high on that victory aren't you? Luck your Savior  quarterbacked a game winning drive! You beat the Vikings! That's almost like showing real promise! Alas, no one saw your almost rise to mediocrity. Pass. I'm feeling sympathetic today. 
  • Houston- Because I won't call you the Texans because Texans are the worst. You know how you know somebody is from Texas? They tell you six times in the first minute you meet them. Who did you play? Jacksonville? Moving on...
  • Jacksonville- Seven points huh? You're an NFL quality team apparently. You won't pay your best player, the only person on your team that scored a touchdown. Good business model Sheik. Sweet moustache though. There's not enough FAIL in the world for you right now. I'd stick you with Berman and Dilfer here but, you know they're going to be on t.v. again and I'll look stupid if I do. You've been spared. For now. 
  • Tampa- A lot of people are making a big deal out of the fact that you tried to kill Eli Manning's knees with no time on the clock.  I say that's the only redeeming quality about you. I'm not so secretly hoping that Vincent Jackson hurries up and gets a DUI so that he really looks like a malcontent and not an awesome elite receiver we let go for no good reason whatsoever. You lost, but you didn't piss me off. You still fail however. 
  • New York VaGiants (Thanks Max!)- I mean seriously, if you VaGiants opponents don't step it up and actually kill Eli's knees when the clock is nearly expired in a loss, we're going to be treated to an entire generation of horrible Super Bowls won by the VaGiants. DO SOMETHING! More and more evidence is piling up like cat shit in a hoarders apartment that Archie and Eli were right about A.J. You have no idea how hard this is to type. Pass. 
  • Baltimore- Ed Reed is still not a Charger. Fail.
  • Philadelphia- I'm just shocked no one was murdered by a battery or a champagne bottle in this one. Mike Vick is on pace to throw 48 interceptions, yet the Iggles are 2-0. I've secretly wished we'd trade Norv Turner for Andy Reid. I don't know how I feel about that trade now. Pass. 
  • Oakland- Still driving the power rankings down for every team that plays and beats you. Which is every team. God dammit you're horrible. Now that your owner is dead that you all wished would die forever, for some reason you're all mourning his death and celebrating his life and legacy, yet you're still carrying on the legacy of FAILURE. Raider fans I know showed up at the bar Week 1 with custom Raider T-Shirt jerseys with the name "Rings" on the back and the number "3" signifying your three Super Bowl Rings.  None of those people were born when those championships were won.  Your punishment is now. FAIL. Dilfer level fail. Failures.
  • Miami- You beat Oakland. Jeff Ireland is slowly injecting AIDS into your I.V. before he's fired in a week. Only, by beating Oakland, you saved his job. Way to go Reggie Bush. Fantasy Football players everywhere love you. Miami Dolphins fans hate you. And nobody dies from AIDS anymore, it just makes you that much more miserable. Pass. D. 
  • Dallas- HAHAHAHAHA!! I love it when everyone is right about you.  You fucking colossal disappointments! Oh it's so much fun when Jerry loses his shit. You're terrible at football but good for my schadenfreude! FAIL at football, PASS at entertaining me with your FAIL!
  • Seattle- I like your town, I like the potential of your quarterback and we all know I love and owe Beast Mode a beer and a hug. But we're not quite sure you're actually not outkicking your coverage in that win. That may have been a fluke (see: LOSS at Arizona Week 1 as evidence) but you've got Moxie. And Moxie isn't proven to cause cancer so you PASS. B+. See you Wednesday.
  • Washington- I hate you Mike Shanahan. Robert Griffin III might be something special. As soon as the Fantasy community adopts him, Sonic the hedgehog will turn him into a punter or claim he's got migraines and hide his helmet from him. Oh, and you lost to the up and coming Rams. Fail. At the organizational level, TurboFail! Like the Edsel of Fail. 
  • New York Fiddles- Way to get destroyed by the Steelers. You're making my power ranking post that much easier (COMING SOON WITH 20% MORE POWER!) Let the Teboners start their climb to relevance. F. Fail. There's no sympathy for you. 
  • Pittsburgh- You lost to the Broncos and beat the Jets? At least no one got hit with a blimp? You Pass by default. I can't fail you though I want to so so badly. 
  • Tennessee- I have to Pass you Titans.  Because you never fail at quitting. Your offense is so ridiculous. Jake Locker was lucky enough to get rid of the ball for one first down in nine drives. If I were the defense I'd quit too, especially when you're down by 21 points. You make the Norv Turner shine. I should fail you for helping protect his job, but it's only week two. You won't be the only one who does so. 
  • San Diego- I said it last week somewhere that you can't control who you play. Way to go boys. You destroyed the kid with the helmet on the short bus. Run blocking still looks like shit though. Pass. C+. You're improving. Your real test is yet to come and by the looks of the 12,000 empty seats nearly guaranteeing a blackout, there's more people than me that are afraid of this game. 
  • Detroit- nothing to be ashamed about in this loss.  Except well, losing you fucking losers. God Dammit, somebody beat that shit team and make the nightmares stop! F!
  • San Francisco- You are a little fickle bitch of a town with the worst kind of front running fans around. But your football team is about as good as it's ever been. Normally, that would make me want to punch a baby, but I think I'll refrain. Instead I'm going to drive to Jerry Garcia's grave and dig a hole and shit on it. Pass. A. FUCK. FUCK!
  • Denver- I'm still a little worried about you. You turned the ball over like a Thai hooker turns over tricks and you lost by 6 points. But you're in second place and we all know that second place is the first dickhead. Fail. 
  • Atlanta- Your first victory doesn't count as the Buffalo Bills just proved. Tonight you beat Denver. That will earn you a pass. But you beat them by 6 points when you should have beaten them by 287 points, or about the same amount of times they turned the ball over. What you did do was end the idiot talk in San Diego that we should have kept Michael Turner over TBE. Discussion ended. Fantasy football teams are mourning Turner's death tonight. Pass. Barely. C. Lots of condescending dickheads in the NFL currently. 
That's it for now. We'll have the new and improved power rankings soon and the up to date grading of the scab referees, as they too have earned their way to the FAIL portion of our programing. 

Enjoy the 2-0 start. Shit gets real now.

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