So, I'm sure the two of you are surprised I didn't go apeshit and rip Acee and Canepa for their articles a couple of days ago, and frankly I'm surprised myself. But how many times must I return to the well when nothing they say is a surprise? Sure, when Acee addresses the Gaither situation by saying that history says that it may not matter, it would be easy to write an entire article about how far that guy has his head up AJ's butthole, but that ain't work my friends. So, while I was upset that those guys already basically beat my cohort and I to the Upcoming Chargers Excuses post we were preparing, I'm just going to let all of that bullshit slide for now. They're going to write no less than 32 more terrible columns in the coming season and they'll get theirs.
For now, after my amazing Wednesday Night Football prediction of a Dallas upset over the Superbowl Champion VaGiants, I feel the need to push my luck further yet and pick the rest of this week's contests. So get your bookie on the phone, because these picks are money in the bank.
Indy @ Bears
This might already be my favorite game. In my money league the other guy is starting Luck. People love Luck. I have no doubt Luck will turn out to be a fine quarterback because that's what I've been told 1,000 times, which makes it true, but there is no way a rookie is going to turn around a team as bad as Indy was last year without Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, the Bears are as good at getting to the other team's QB as they are at letting the other team get to theirs.
Bears 42, Colts 9
Philly @ Cleveland
Good news, Philly fans! I didn't draft Vick this year in any of my fantasy league's, so there is no reason for your team to underachieve so terribly. Bad news, Browns fans! You're still the Browns.
Eagles 35, Browns 13
St. Louis @ Detroit
It would be easy for me to say that it's like the offseason never happened for these teams. To say that Detroit with continue to impress with its stable of young talent. It would be easy to say that Rams fans will continue to make their fans sad. So that's what I'm going to do.
Lions 37, Rams 17
Miami @ Houston
Houston already has Arian Foster as a gametime decision because they hate Fantasy Football down there in Houston. But that doesn't really hurt their chances in this actual game either way. Everyone knows Miami isn't really much to be reckoned with until their season is over. I look forward to another spoiler run late in the season from the Dolphins. And I'm sure that's all their fans want too. That's how you get butts in the seats. Pay attention, NFL!
Texans (Ugh, get a name alredy!) 27, Fins 20
Atlanta @ KC
My first real challenge here. Atlanta is still a critical darling, but they are terrible at rising to their unearned reputation. Most people have come around to realizing KC is poised to strike at the division title after getting all of their players back from injury this season, but my feeling is that they will be slow out of the gate. I'm tempted to predict a tie here, but I don't have the balls for a move like that.
Chiefs 24, Falcons 20
Jax @ Minnesota
This game could easily be the game that decides the number one pick in the draft. I actually think, for no good reason, that both of these teams will be somewhat competitive. I have no real basis for that, but I do. This game might be more interesting if both the marquee players, Peterson and MJD, were going to get anything more than the dreaded "limited work" in this game. Because I like Minnesota on a personal level, I'm picking Jacksonville. This season will torture me on every front.
Jags 13, Vikings 10
Wash @ NO
Lost in bountygate is the fact that New Orleans coaches had to do something, because that defense is not good unless they're getting the bounces. RG III will have an impressive outing against this bumbling squad, I think. But it won't be enough, because even replacement refs love Drew Brees.
Saints 34, Skins 31
Buffalo @ Jets
Much has been made of the Jets offensive clusterfuck in the offseason, but very little mention has been made of their defense, which should still be pretty dominant and able to keep them in games. Buffalo are media darlings right now, and expectations are high. It's time for the team on the field to crush those expectations.
Jets 20, Bills 17*
NE @ Tennessee
It's fun to type Tennessee. Who's their QB now? Jake Locker? Are the Pats still trotting out Tom Brady? That's a bad match-up.
Pats 37**, Titans 21
Seattle @ Arizona
Russell Wilson (is that right?) had a Ryan Leafian preseason, so I've penciled in the Seahawks for the Superbowl. My pencil is a crayon, but that's neither here nor there. Arizona is starting John Skelton, who is an NFL QB from what I've heard. Get ready for another year of wondering what kind of numbers Fitty would put up if AZ had ever considered the possibility Kurt Warner would reire and then done something about it.
Seahawks 20***, Cards 17
Frisco @ Green Bay
49ers 24, Packers 21
Carolina @ Tampa Bay
It's like Randall Cunningham against Steve McNair! There, that's my one overtly racist comment for the whole year, but let it be known that I was only trying to lampoon the media's compulsion to compare black QBs to one another. I like the Bucs this year to not have a 13 game losing streak. But I don't like them here.
Panthers 28, Bucs 24
Pitt @ Denver
Nothing all that interesting about this match-up I hope the announcers can find something to talk about.
Steelers 23, Broncos 17
There's your picks for today's games. At least, that's what it said in that book Old Man Tannen showed me. Go make a fortune!
Happy footballing, People! Choke on it, my team doesn't play until tomorrow night...again.
*I have a never ending soft spot for the Bills and fully expect them to be a break out team this year, even with that snooty Harvard QB of theirs. Growing a beard won't make me forget what you are, Poindexter!
**I can't wait for Belichek/Brady to force the ball to Aaron Hernandez all year, because Gronkowski went in the first round of two of my drafts and the Patriots hate you.
***For a long time I harbored unreserved hatred for the Seahawks. It's a major testament to the likability of Marshawn Lynch that I'm practically a fan. If he ever leaves I go right back to hating them.