Saturday, September 01, 2012

Off We Go...

Holy hell has this been an offseason entirely befit of the Mayans end of the world scenario.  This offseason felt like a three day root canal in the dentist's chair.

Moves were made, players jettisoned, new players signed in their stead and the local media types writing words, oh so many words about so many reasons for optimism. The GM has finally signed the guys that the head coach, the oh so undeservingly maligned head coach finally has the personnel to execute his unflappable system. Bad and low character guys out. New high reward potential guys in.  Injured guys out.  Depth in.  Draft day genius, getting exactly the guy we wanted when obviously so many others in front finally had their Sammy Davis moment! HOOORAH! It's finally our turn!

Only problem is I just don't see it. And that in and of itself has added to what amounts to the normal amount of suck the offseason contains and turned it into exponential suck. I know I have a reputation for being pessimistic at times about this squad and it's management as the archives around here will attest, however, more recently than not we've been right over here about the true reality of what we're facing to the chagrin of the most dedicated of Charger faithful.  I too have had my conversations with die hard local after die hard local, one of whom has actually deluded himself into believing 13 wins is a lock.  Unlike Max, I didn't have the heart to even try to separate him from his money.

Like Max, I'm going to try to be objective and break this down point by point as to why our offseason wasn't to be praised with a word bukkake shall we...

*Running Game: I won't rehash Max's comments on the China Doll that is Matthews. I'm actually not all that down on him right now, a broken collarbone I'm chalking up to a freak accident is something he won't be ready to come right back from, but he'll play. It's what happens when he's back that is worrisome.  He already has a rep for being a bit fumbly, which has seemingly been swept under the rug by the local guys for the time being. But when his ankle sores up and he upchucks the leather in a crucial moment, the slope will start getting all slippery again. As far as the depth at the position, see Max's comments below...

*Offensive Line: "McNeil! Hey! You're cut! Gaither! Here's a pile of cash! Don't like that? There's plenty more scratch where that came from! Get out there? Oh. What? You can't play today? What? You're having back spasms? You're in the cafeteria line. How heavy is that tray? Why do you smell like strawberries and champagne? Is that glitter on your shirt? Hey, are those your singles on the ground there? Anyway, we've got practice in twenty, get out there and show me something and your signing bonus effectively doubles. What? You can't? Well, how long will it be? Soon? Good enough for me!"  At least that's how it plays out in my head.  I was of the opinion that we should have drafted 7 offensive linemen in April.  Fuck it. Who needs defense? And if the running game is as shored up as the GM keeps telling us, and if ol'Laserface really wasn't injured last year and was just heaving pick sixes due to all the pressure of the broken down not at all deep offensive line, then draft all linemen. Well, I guess that approach didn't fit the model so much, though one lineman we drafted tore his pec weeks before the draft and tumbled down the board.  Not to be swayed, the Godfather took a guy two rounds too early that won't see a snap until 2013. So there's that.  Signs are pointing towards better decision making with this free agency thing.

*Receivers: What Philip needs is more weaponry.  VJ. Gone.  A.J. was finally able to rid us of that albatross. Lost in that was how we were completely out of the game with him signing the $55.55 million dollar contract. A.J. was only willing to go to $11 million. That half million? Dealbreaker. You're out. Get out. Get your stuff and get out. Wait! Leave your stuff and get out. Proven veterans? Free agents? IN. Roscoe Parrish, Robert Meacham, Morgan? Michael Spurlock, Eddie Royal. Those are some names. Look, we did some free agency! Doesn't it feel good? Forgive me for not being all excited about a bunch of middling vets that have always shown flashes of potential, like they are just about to take that first step right before they make the leap, but then some unforeseen alien force derails that campaign. Again. While I appreciate the effort to bring in some recognizable names that will hopefully camouflage the debacle that was Jackson's tenuous relationship here, it's hollow. These guys are not VJ. These have already been injured and or cut, and or are not Vincent Jackson. But oh IF they could be...

*Quarterbacking: PR. Laserface. So torn with this guy. Perhaps last year was an anomaly. Perhaps he is regressing. Perhaps with weapons and protection he returns to form. Perhaps he has peaked. IF ONLY WE KNEW! All I know is that Quarterback Jesus, or the big sexy as Max knows him by, should never ever be allowed on the field ever. And Billy Volek turned down a contract from A.J. A contract that would have paid him money to do nothing for another year but make money. Methinks he and A.J. may not have had a friendly negotiation and departure. I can see it...."Volek! Here's a $20, you're our backup! No? You don't want to play for ME? Get out. Get out. GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT! Boller. BOLLER! Get in here! Here's a $20, you're our backup. Meetings start in ten. What? You're retired? GIMMEE MY $20 BACK YOU SONOFABITCH GETOUTGETOUTGETOUT!!" No dysfunction at all...

*Norv:  Oh. God. Dammit. You're still here? God dammit. Besides the entirety of the niner game that demonstrated how we are clearly not contenders (I'm not rehashing the preseason debate here, it counts as Max clearly stated below) the Norv era was finally cast in stone for any doubter left to see.  As Max mentioned, late in the 4th quarter of that blowout job, Harbaugh the Elder (Younger?) challenged a Charger spot that he won leaving us with 4th and some small change in a 35-3 PRESEASON game.  When he threw his little red hanky, Norvelle Turner got all Norvyfaced and had a whine fest on the sideline.  "Harbaugh! You big meanie! You're gonna challenge that spot late in the 4th quarter of a preseason game where you've clearly already proven how much preparation and discipline can lead to good things on the football field? You big jerk! Oh, you won? Okay, I'll punt."  I mean seriously, these conversations are stupid right? CJ, you can clearly do better with your dialogue're probably right. I could probably make up something better, but these conversations actually HAPPENED! I CAN'T MAKE UP THE TRUTH! If Norv wasn't Norv but any other coach in the league, he'd have at the very least gone for it on 4th down and a foot there. Why wouldn't you go for it? Send a goddamned message! If you don't make it, and assuredly you won't because they'll never see the McClain up the middle dive you'd call coming anyway, if Harbaugh scores again he'll be chastised for running up the score in this our new more sensitive NFL. AND WHO THE FUCK CARES! I know why he didn't go for it. He didn't want to tip his 4th and 1 they'll never see it coming dive play. Gonna need that for later in the season. Oh. And the other reason is that he's a horrible giant pussy of a coach. What's left...oh the schedule.

*The Schedule: This season is already full of IFS. To the point where even the Canepa has written about how our IFS are key to the season and if this and if that then we'll maybe possibly be something. IF. You know what they say about if's and buts and candy and nuts. I know our ifs don't lead to any butts or candy or anything. Nothing good comes from our ifs, except maybe another year of A.J. and Norv. Oh that happened already. Okay, get to the schedule already...

at Oakland
at Kansas City
at New Orleans
at Cleveland
at Tampa Bay
at Denver
at Pittsburgh
at N.Y. Jets

As this post has gone on longer than the terrible offseason and was nearly as bad, here's the summary of that list:

Toss up, I'm not ready to put Loss here but I'm leaning that way
Win(?) Confidence level "LOW"

I could be wrong. All those IFS may come through for us. Maybe Max and I are the stupid ones. We'll find out shortly.  But what I'm most excited about is IF things do go the way I think they might...oh can I not wait for the excuses. I'm already dreaming about the excuses for this year. Those will be posted shortly.  Happy long weekend. Go Bolts.


Maximum Colossus said...

"Way I remember it, albatross was a ship's good luck, until some idiot killed it."-Mal

Maximum Colossus said...

Andy Reid probably would have punted there too.

Maximum Colossus said...

You have us beating Cincy? You are kind, compadre.

Comrade said...

The excuses will be the best. I can't wait either. Predictions need to begin before it is too late, because the excuses are right around the corner.

CJ said...

While I've acknowledged the fact that it is in fact possible for this team to lose eight in a row to close this season, I do not want to officially declare that on paper. Shit. I just did.