Tuesday, November 02, 2004

A Question and a List...

Something curious…. And in no way should diminish what the Bolts have accomplished up to the half way point of this glorious season. Are the Raiders quitters?

It appeared so at the end of the 2003 campaign that the Nation of all that is Raider, quit on Bill Callahan. Quite literally stopped playing football to spite the man that was the leader of the Nation. Quit like a bunch of five year olds playing marco polo and failing to catch their buddy “fish out of water”.

Did in fact the Raiders quit again this Sunday? Did they quit on their second coach in two years, a coach that many teams in the league have encountered generally with disappointing results? Did they mail it in during the blowout on their newest disciple of all that is Al, after just eight weeks? Or was Warren Sapp asking Norv Turner for directions to the venue for the “Big Man Dance Contest” going on in the land of all that is frilly, fuzzy and silly this Halloween weekend? The Raiders have their mystique and their mottos and their dedication to all that is Black and Silver. But I am starting to get tired of things like mystique and aura and all things the like…it all smells like a two year old’s drawers after extra hot spicy chili night at the “Chuck E. Cheese”. I for one am sick of it, so let’s be the one’s who call things as they are seen.

The list of all that sucks, begins now:

-The Raiders are no good. They are no good. They might in fact be the worst team in football.

-Groups like San Francisco and Chicago keep the Raiders from earning this distinction all on their well deserved own. There is no way to measure the worst when they are all so terribly bad. So, by logical conclusion they are all guilty of sucking beyond repair and should literally forfeit all their remaining games so that I can keep the sanctity of my eyesight. If they choose to continue playing, all things camera like should be aimed at their cheerleaders in various weather conditions and stages of dress.

-All Raider fans (and 49er’s as well) hereby relinquish control of both their own and their significant other’s voice boxes when addressing an intelligent discussion about football. Your teams cost you the right to have an opinion by repeatedly desecrating your playing fields with the brand of football that you produce regularly. Stop telling me that the 1994 ‘Niners were Gods. That was ten years ago. Stop telling me the Raiders were in the Super Bowl two years ago. A game that they truly were never really “in”.

Tangent coming in 3….2…..1…..

-Low Carb Everything. Pizza? Beer? Beer? Low Carb Beer? Yes, I am insinuating,… no…, wait., I …, wait…, You…..damn!?? Wait…. My faculties were completely lost for a moment with the vast inappropriateness of what I was about to say. If you can’t handle the “carb load” that comes with regular beer, you should be neutered and sent off to colonize a foreign land in the name of everything that is “Metro” (Dear God, make it stop please.) and not right with our world. Football fans drinking low carb beer, what’s next, manicures? You want to stay in our world, drink Whiskey or Tequila. Eat real pizza, topped with more pizza, and maybe brats.

I think I am off to go kill Bambi, and make steaks for the tailgate this weekend with real carcinogen producing coals for the grill, full strength beers in asbestos lined coolers, preparing for the decimation of what will be the New Orleans Saints.

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