Awful Weekly Picks: Just Kidding, They're Rad

At this point, the weekly picks have become an exercise in humility. I am clearly football retarded. But I blame football. Three overtime games in last Sunday's morning games? Hail Marys! The Titans beating the Lions? How is anybody supposed to pick this stuff? Why won't all of these teams just be what we thought they were, dammit?! Wait! The replacement refs! I can blame them! Everybody else does. So, yeah, it was the freaking replacement refs! Well, they're gone now, so it's my time to shine!
So call your bookie and and break out the checkbook, cause these picks are money in the bank!

Carolina @ Atlanta
Atlanta is feasting on shitty teams (sorry fellow Chargers fans) and getting a lot of praise for it. Carolina, and Cam Newton in particular, have something to prove. But they're travelling. But Atlanta has no running game. But Cam Newton's a crybaby. Bu tI hate Tony Gonzalez to death. Call this one a mad hunch.
Panthers 30, Falcons 24

NE @ Buffalo
Who is healthy in the Bills backfield? What's to like about Ryan Fitzpatrick? He will trick you into believing and make you pay for it. He is from Harvard and therefore he is definitely a book reader. I do not cotton to book readers. The Patriots have been losing and they do not cotton to losing. I think Buffalo still fears them, and they should.
Pats 35, Bills 20

Minnesota @ Detroit
Man, I want to pick Minnesota for this game. That game by Ponder last week makes me more than a half believer, but this Vikings team is going to have one of those horribly bad roller coaster season. I have no doubt in my mind that they will drive their fans crazy all year long by beating up juggernauts like the 49ers and giving up 2 minute drives to rookie QBs like they did for Andrew Luck. This feels like a game where they let the Lions get their feet underneath them.
Lions 24, Vikings 21

Tennessee @ Houston
Seriously? I'm going to have to go back and look at Houston's schedule, because it feels like we are a month into the season and they have still played absolutely no one. I mean, unless you want to kid yourself and pretend the Broncos are any good. I do not. And don't let the Titans fool you with that win against the Lions last week. I've never seen so many lucky plays in one game. Hell, in one season!
Texans (Ah, do something about that name!) 35, Titans 13

San Diego @ KC
Well, Norv says that Ryan Mathews will not be given the ball in high risk fumble situations, which sounds to me like Mathews will now only play defense. Anyway, I hope you picked up Jackie Battle for your fantasy team, cause he's gonna Jerome Bettis this thing at the goal line, assuming we can get it to the goal line before somebody-not naming names Philip Rivers-gives the ball away. KC is coming off of a big win against a winless team with no head coach. Inspiring. I think we're going to pull this one off, because it seems to take KC 3 quarters of boring the other team to sleep before they do anything. Bu tI think when the Bolts get out of the gate, they pin their ears back on defense and that's when they can truly dominate questionable opponents like the Chefs. Look for the Chargers to set us all up with false hope again on Sunday.
Chargers 38, Chefs 20

Frisco @ NY Jets
No Darelle Revis? Buh-bye Jets. I'm going to lose a $10 bet. The Frisco Friscos are mad and they're going to Frisco the freaking Frisco out of the Jets.
Friscos 30, Jets 10

Seattle @ St. Louis
I can't even begin to tell you how much I hope this game goes to the Seahawks on a horrible call by the regular officials. They will disband this unfixable past-time for good, no doubt.The Hawks are a mystery. The Rams are a mystery. Something tells me that by the end of the years they're both just going to be "kinda sucky." Which is a horrible ending to a good mystery.
Rams 17, Seahawks 16

Miami @ Arizona
Arizona could win the Superbowl and we'd still be all, "Eeeeh, I just don't know..." Miami is paying a little too hard for a Miami team that hasn't been eliminated from contention, but they're still not that good.
Cardinals 16, Fins 14

Oakland @ Denver
If there's one thing I was able to derive from last weeks games, it's that the Steelers kind of suck. Another thing I have a hunch about is that Denver is a team that is going to play well enough in fourth quarters to be considered a good team while still not winning games. That should appease the fanbase. Te-bow! Te-bow! He's gone, idiots.
Broncos 23, Raiders 20

Cincy @ Jacksonville
Because I try not to pay attention to stuff that actually happens and instead I create football reality in my mind, I still think the Bengals have a pretty good defense. Isn't that funny? I'm going to give them some free advice. Look out for Maurice Jones-Drew! That should do it.
Bengals 27, Jags 14

New Orleans @ Green Bay
The Saints have to win a game eventually, right? Probably not this one, though. Green Bay's too mad. Didn't you see Aaron Rogers passively aggressively bitching like a little bitch all week? That's a signature champion move.
Packers 42, Saints 37 What I'm trying to say is that your defenses suck. Not you, though, Green Bay.

Wash @ Tampa
No idea. Not a fucking clue. I feel like I have to pick Tampa cause they're at home and I've already picked way to many road teams this season. I already hate this pick. Tampa lost 13 in a row last year, why do I still believe in them?
Bucs 23, Skins 20

NY VaGiants @ Philly
This feels like it should be the week Mike Vick dies. But the football world is getting a little too excited about the VaGiants and that's usually when the VaGiants blow a game like this to keep everyone guessing. This feels like a 4 pick dumper by Eli. And it feels like the kind of game the Iggles win so the fans can feel sad that they might never get rid of Andy reid. He is truly the NFC's Norv. At least until we finally get rid of Norv and some NFC team inexplicably hires him.
Iggles 27, VaGiants 23

Chicago @ Dallas
Who wants it less? Da Bears.
Cowboys 14, Bears 13

I like to have fun with my scores sometimes. Just saying. Enjoy your damn football. Now with less officiating mistakes. I'm going to miss them, to be honest.

Thursday Night Quick Pick

I don't even know why I'm doing these picks anymore. I'm pretty sure I'm under .500 overall on the season-that's not even against the spread!- and every pick I make removes another smidge of credibility from any other football related post I make. When you start with as little credibility as I did you can't afford to lose many smidges. Ah, self-deprecation! The thinking man's humor. Anyway, I'm perfect on Thursday Night's so far, so this is where I shine. And no Thursday has seemed like such an easy call as tonight.

Cleveland @ Baltimore
God, that doesn't seem fair. I don't even know what to say about this game. Why would the NFL Network choose to air this game? The NFL obviously hates the Browns and wants you all to see how awful they are. It just seems mean. I guess the Ravens got a little shorter of a week, since they played Sunday Night Football, but unless Roger Goodell called all of the Ravens at all hours of the week every single night since then, I just don't see how the Browns have a chance. The good news is that the real refs are back, so when the Browns get clobbered, you know it's official.
Ravens 34, Browns 10

Put a pin in it. Thursday Night Football sucks-even though I can watch it now!-and this game isn't going to change my opinion of it.

The Demise of Football? No.

I'd like to say that the hater in me absolutely loves all of this outrage over the replacement refs. There are very few things in the world that have given me more joy than watching John Gruden vascillate between wanting to cry and wanting to punch someone in the postgame. Pure comedy gold. And the outpouring from friends on Facebook was mindboggling. Surely there couldn't have been that many of you who lost your fantasy games to Golden Tate and Russell Martin (Wilson? Totally Wilson.). Or was it that Green Bay defense? Ah, that explains it.

Personally, I can't wait until the regular refs get back so I can slap anyone who ever complains about one of their calls again. Because it's not like the regular refs ever give away a game or two...a week. Have the replacement guys been bad? Sure, they're pretty bad. Yeah, I know they hand out timeouts like gold fish at an elementary school carnival and they are somehow even slower than the refs they replaced, but let's not lose sight of the fact that these guys stepped in with little notice. And let's not lose sight of the fact that sports journalists love to go after the easy story, as I've mentioned many times in the past. It's why they love dynasties and they're always the last to know when a bad team gets good or a good team gets bad. They deal in no risk-high reward journalism. Because face it, we all watch, even when they're wrong. Well, this is the easiest story in town. The world of sports went from a "let's cut these guys some slack" attitude in the preseason to an all out lynch mob today. These refs are under the microscope to a degree the regular refs never were. Every ticky tack foul is analyzed, even though the league has always been replete with ticky tack fouls. If you've turned on ESPN, the NFL Network or even the Weather Channel in the last 12 hours you have no doubt seen some very serious looking people pouring over last night's touchdown call like the Zapruder Film. And some people act as though they're on par with each other. Well, they're not. Whacky shit happens in the NFL. Especially in the first few weeks. So settle down.

The call on the field was no doubt due to the simultaneous possession rule in the rulebook. It's right next to the tuck rule and the controlling the ball through the ground rule. All of these rules are basically designed to create plays that result in calls that will piss at least half of you off. The eyeball test tells me that Jennings, the Green Bay DB, had control of the ball. But Tate was in there, and the rule doesn't say that Tate has to have clear possession of the ball (because then there would be no reason to even have the rule), only that he have a stake in the possession of the ball. I've seen very similar calls made over the years. It doesn't happen very often, but I guarantee you the regular officals have made a similar "mistake" in the past. Maybe not at the end of a nationally televised game for the win, but it's happened.

As for all the Chicken Little's predicting the end for the NFL and the ruination of the brand? Puh-lease! This is the NFL. You will all be watching next week, and the week after that, and every other week until the day you die. Seriously, at this point I absolutley H-A-T-E football with a passion, but I still watch it every week. I still got a bit chub over the NFL Network coming to Time Warner. Hell, here I am writing about the shit. It ain't going anywhere. It would literally take years of consistently bad officiating to do any significant damage to the NFL brand. Problem is, if this whole fiasco lasted for years, these guys would get better and we'd end up wondering why the NFL would ever pay judges and bankers $40,000 a year for a few weeks of part time work, with benefits and pensions. The rest of us should be so lucky. Especially since we are all so clearly experts ourselves.

All that being said, I'm buying stock in the UFL, in case everyone else is right. The UFL is still a thing, right?

Week 3 Premature Evaluation...

Welcome back, once again it's time for the weekly premature evaluation where we grade each team on a mostly pass/fail basis, unless of course I feel like being a dick. As is the norm, not feeling to sympathetic this week. Off we go...

• VaGiants- God I hate you. Everything that's wrong with football starts with you. Yet, you're strangely alluring due to all the success. But suck it. You pass. You took the piss out of the Panthers and upset the baby puncher. That almost makes me happy. 
• Panthers- Had you kept this close I would have respected you a bit more but you're total failures. Now that people have tape on Cam Newton, he morphs into a crybaby on the bench when he makes no one miss. Steve Smith punches crybabies. That's enough to make me watch. 
• Rams- You got Cutlerfucked and didn't make Sulkface sulky enough for me. Sad group of underachieving failures. Though Bradford isn't looking extremely horrible anymore so that's good.
• Bears- You beat the Rams. Congratulations. You banged the slutty girl 19th. Everyone already beat you to it. Pass. D- and I'm feeling like I'm being way too generous there. 
• Bills- See above comments about the Bears. Beating Cleveland is nothing to put on your resume. It's something if you were a college squad you'd try to hide from the media because you'd lose points for beating up on the girls junior varsity squad. But this isn't college so you pass. D.
• Browns- you're nothing if not shitty and it's fitting because your name is slightly less shitty in a literal sense than the Texans. But Browns also reminds me of shit which is also fitting your style of play. F. Fail. F.
• Buccaneers- God dammit. You had one job. Make the Cowgirls look stupid. You didn't. Then your coach did that fuckwit ruin the victory formation garbage again and made me almost sympathize with the Cowgirls and VaGiants whining about it. Fuck you for making me almost do that. FAIL. Z-.
• Cowgirls- You beat the Bucs. And you looked awful doing it at home. You're like the pussy kid in college that challenges everything the professor says just to hear your own voice and make everyone look at you even though you're totally wrong all the time every time. No one likes you. They all want to stab you with a pencil. Pass. D.
• Jaguars- you showed some real mettle in beating the Colts. Did you pay your best player yet? You are fucking stupid for not having done so, and you thought you upgraded with the new ownership group. It's all uphill from here. Enjoy L.A. dummies. Pass. C. 
• Colts- things were looking up. Then you dumped to an expansion team that's about to be moved with a quarterback that's always on the verge of being benched. That sounds very much like a fucking F to me. F. For Fucking Shitty Football in Indianapolis. F. 
• Second Fiddles- Good news, you showed some heart. Bad news, you did it against the Dolphins. Worse news, people are sick of you and they aren't even talking about the VirginGodBoy anymore. You're so close to going away. I will relish that moment. Pass. 
• Dolphins- I want to like you but then you go and make the Jets look competent. You're scrappy, which is admirable. But I don't admire losers you losers. Fail. 
• 49ers- You are colossal fucking disappointments. Good news in that horrible performance of yours is that you lost to the Vikings and I kind of like them. But then I remembered I hate losers. So you fail. F. 
• Vikings- pretty strange NFL season when the Queens can upset a potential juggernaut like that. No choice but to pass you this week but you surely have sold me nothing about yourselves. I'm convinced you will show up on Sunday and play football. Whether you'll do it well or not is really hard to know. Pass. 
• Chefs- You beat the Saints which is so en vogue right now. Stop being so trendy. Pass.
• Saints- Losing to the Chefs and then blaming the refs after you've already blamed the NFL for ruining your season? Maybe you just need to be more subtle next time you buy your defensive motivations. F. F. And another F for complaining about EVERYTHING. 
• Lions- What the fuck was that? Chalking this one up to a night of drinking in Tennessee and the weird intricacies of the NFL thus far. This game was beyond explanation much like a goocher. F. 
• Titans- What the fuck was that? How did you do that to the Lions after you defecated all over our field and rolled around in it like spastic monkeys last week? Pass. C. Dicks.
• Bengals- Solid performance I guess with trick plays and exciting shit? From the Bengals? Have I mentioned that this NFL season is fucking weird so far? Is this not enough proof for you? The Bengals were a playoff team last year? Really? Yeah, no. Not happening again. Pass.
• Redskins- you hung in there with a playoff team from last season. Really, are we sure they were a playoff team? Like, really really sure? They really were huh? I'm not convinced. Fail. You lost to the Bengals. That earns you an F every time. 
• Eagles- I can't believe I ever wanted to trade Norv Turner for Andy Reid. Let's just invite those two guys to a buffet in Vegas and blow that buffet sky high. For the umpteenth year in a row you have no offensive line, you don't utilize your best player efficiently, and you are making your quarterback do things like math. Things we know he isn't good at. See? Norv and Andy? Separated at birth? F. 
• Cardinals- many people were picking you to be in line for the first pick in the draft this year. Clearly, Kurt Warner is back behind the scenes pulling the devil's puppet strings again. Your souls will never be set free. Pass. C. 
• Falcons- Congratulations for beating up the stupid kid at the playground, taking his lollipop and then recording him crying and posting it on Facebook. Well played. But, that is only funny to me and it's not that hard to do, it's just mean. And funny. Pass. C. 
• Chargers. F. Fuck you. F. Fuck you right and proper. F. Wake me up when you stop doing the same stupid shit over and over and over again for years and years. Hey, did you know Ryan Matthews fumbles when he's not hurt? Did you know the only time he doesn't fumble is when he's not in pads? Maybe he fumbled his steering wheel when he crashed his car after curfew earlier this season. Vincent Jackson is no longer a Charger. We traded up for Ryan Matthews. See? You see? F. 
• Texans- You're okay I guess. The only thing I can pick on is your stupid name and the fact that you blew the schedule guy. Pass. 
• Broncos- Hey Denver, if you decided to play football before there was three minutes left in the fourth quarter you might not suck so bad. But you don't know how to do anything but suck so it's fitting. F. Man that always feels good to type by Denver's name. Oh, and die. 
• Patriots- Whaaaaaahhhhhhh! Whaaaaaahhhhhhh! Dry your tears you pretty boy pussies. Geez. What a bunch of bitchy whiners. F. 
• Ravens- Man, I don't think I could have handled the tears you would have spewed if you'd have lost this game. You and the Patriots should play in the Tampon Bowl every year. Pass. B. 
• Packers- Boy did you get jobbed there in the end.  If you were Baltimore that would have spurred a murderous rampage. Instead, your fans will just get drunk and eat cheese and reminisce about Brett Farve. Oh, you kinda played like shit too, but the refs will ensure no one talks about that whatsoever. F. Fail. 
• Seahawks- Better to be lucky than good? Pass. C. 

Footnote: All kidding aside it's time to fix this refereeing debacle. The two guys in the end zone at the end of Seachickens/Pack each interpreted that call differently. This silly exercise from the Big Bitch Upstairs Goodell needs to end. Just pay the real refs, make them sign an agreement that says they caved and let's get on with it. We get good football back and no one thinks any less of Goodell than they already do which is quite literally impossible. FIX THIS NOW!

This Isn't Kool-aid! This Is Poison!

I’m going to go ahead and get a few things off my chest real quick.

Ryan Matthews – This game is on you. There were plenty of other mistakes made, but your fumble started the ball rolling. Get it? I’m clever. Anyway, if you want people to stop saying you’re frail and you fumble too much then you need to stop getting injured and stop putting the ball on the ground. Screw that, it’s too late. You’re dead to me.

Defense – You were outclassed in this game. There is no excuse for letting a team with no discernible running game travel 98 yards on your home field. Period. And it’s clear we haven’t solved the age old Chargers riddle of how to cover Tight Ends. Terrible.

AJ – Your O-line blows. That poor rookie got manhandled today by a real team. Jared Gaither is a horrible bust and anybody could have seen it coming. You did nothing to replace two pro bowl linemen and we’re going to pay for it all year.

Rivers – There you are. It must be frustrating to see your team crumble around you. Why compound it with boneheaded decisions and poor mechanics? Your regression continues.

I wanted to believe. I wanted to say that this team showed promise in dominating lesser opponents and that it could translate that success into actual contention. Tomorrow the local hacks will say that we’re still leading the division and that maybe it was premature to rush Matthews back. And they’ll say that inter-conference games don’t mean that much and on and on and they’ll make excuses for AJ, while likely beginning the process of throwing Norv under the bus. But they’ll tell you this team is still good enough to win the division. Well, the rest of our division looked damn good today and we looked like I thought we would before the season started.  I won’t be falling for that shit again anytime soon. It’s time to sit back and enjoy Norv and AJ’s swan song.

Ultra Pickstravaganza 3.0!

I was so exceited to hear that starting tomorrow Time Warner cable will carry the NFL Network that I almost forgot to post my awful picks for posterity. Just kidding, this is the week I turn it around. So go ahead and mortgage your house because if you don't you'll be wishing you had a time machine so you could go back and bet on these picks the way that people today wish they could go back and buy Apple. For real.

Of course I already nailed Thursday Night Football travesty, because that's how I do so far, but get ready for the real Sunday business. Class is in session.

St. Louis @ Chicago
No idea. It feels like the Rams are going to make Jay Cutler cry, but at the same time we are giving them a lot of credit for beating a rookie QB who may or may not be a bit over-hyped and definitely plays for the Redskins. Chicago's at home, and I think they right the ship. They're for real, and the Rams are still the Rams no matter what anyone says.
Bears 24, Rams 16

Buffalo @ Cleveland
Whatever happens, doesn't it feel like we all lose for having this game on the schedule? But if you like running games, these two teams are featuring some break out stars and some questionable defenses, so it's worth checking out if you have no other choice due to where you live in the country. Consider moving, though, really. The Browns have a shitty name. Get it?
Bills 31, Browns 27

Tampa Bay @ Dallas
I have to wonder why Tampa decided to stop playing in the fourth quarter last week. Just doesn't feel like a solid gameplan and it really came back to bite them in the ass. I want to be believe they learned a valuable lesson and the Dallas is already-already!-in tank mode. But I don't.
Cowgirls 23, Bucs 21

Jax @ Indy
Well, Peyton 2: Electric Boogaloo (lazy, but never gets old. Thank you, Breakin' 2!) showed that he can handle crap teams by leading the Colts to a last minute victory over the Vikings...who are terrible. Is Jacksonville a crap team too? Yes. This game has already been decided. By the Football Gods! You've heard of them, right?
Colts 34, Jags 21

NY VaJets @ Miami
Reggie Bush has had a notably long stretch of looking like he's telling you all to fuck off for not believing he could be an every down back and last week he broke it off inside you non-believers ( I never doubted him and if you say I did I will cut you). But I don't see him doing that against the VaJets(I'm trying it out).
VaJets 20, Fins 13

Frisco @ Minnesota
I was born in Minnesota and I still have a great deal of family there, so I feel an affinity towards the team. Because of that, I'm going to say pretty much nothing here but, "Good luck, Vikings. Might as well book a sex cruise, cause you're about to need a pick me up."
Friscos 34, ViQueens 14

KC @ New Orleans
I'm almost ready to admit that I was sooooo wrong about KC winning the AFC West. Almost. This one could put a pin in it. New Orleans has a shitty, shitty defense (and secretly, they have for a long time which is why they had to pay each other to tackle guys), but they're gonna score more points than the Chefs.
Saints 38, Chefs 30

Detroit @ Tennessee
Detroit looks to have come back down to Earth a bit. They're not crushing people like they did last year. That could change this week. Think back. Think back to last week. Remember how absolutely the worst ever the Titans were. Yeah, same team this week.
Lions 35, Titans 10

Cincy @ Washington
I like RG III. He looks exactly like Andre 3000 and I would love to hang out with Andre 3000. He just seems like such a nice guy. Even people in the south are like, "If my baby girl were gonna date a black fella, that's the guy." Too much? Anyway, they aren't there yet because their coach is Mike Shanahan, and nobody would would let Shanahan date their daughter.
Bengals 24, Skins 20

Philly @ Arizona
Gaah, who cares? The Eagles are going to win this game unimpressively. The Cards are going to lose this game impressively.
Eagles 19, Cardinals 16 (I picked a horrible looking score because this is a horrible game)

Atlanta @ Denver
I watched Atlanta beat the Broncos on Monday night and all I could think of was how boring they looked doing it. 3 picks in the first quarter and they couldn't sew that victory up until late in the fourth. What are people seeing that I'm not seeing. That team is overrated. And how about our Chargers? Look, they're beating scrubs, but you can only play the games they give you, and they're playing those pretty well. I think they're gonna spank the dirty birds on Sunday. And I'm still not gonna know if we're actually any good. But I'll take it.
Bolts 27, Falcons 13

Houston @ Denver
Mark my words, this will be the week that people will start to question whether Peyton should have come back or if he should have retired. Get ready for a spanking Denver. Houston is healthy and they are beating up subpar teams. You Denver, are a subpar team. I just know it.
Stupid name 34, Donks 17

Pitt @ Oakland
I saw someone pick the Raiders to win this game and I immediately blocked that channel on my cable box. So long, ESPN. Good thing I get the NFL Netwrok now, bitches. I'm looking at you Berman. You suck. Like the Raiders. See what I did there?
Steelers 30, Raiders 20

NE @ Baltimore
Baltimore is another one of those teams that looks great for three drives, and then looks like shit for three drives. They still refuse to give the ball to Ray Rice on every single play, which is what we in the football cooking business call "a winning recipe." Tom Brady does not do well against the Ravens historically, but the Patriots don't typically lose two games in a row. Call it a hunch.
Pats 20, Ravens 16 ( I already hate this pick)

Green Bay @ Seattle
I imagine if you fired open a Green Bay newspaper, you'd see any number of articles with a "flying under the radar and we like it" theme right now. I hate sports journalists. They're 1-1 but everybody knows they're still good no matter how much everybody wants to pretend they don't. Seattle beat the Cowboys and that tells us...nothing. I'm going with Green Bay until they piss me off.
Packers 23, Seahawks 20

There you go. Make something of yourselves! And Go Bolts!!!

Thursday Night Quick Pick

I'm 2-0 picking these awful Thursday Night match-ups, 0-3 Picking Monday Night and dead even on Sunday football. The lesson is clear. As much as I hate Thursday Night games, the NFL must move all of it's games to Thursday. It's a no-brainer.

NY VaGiants @ Carolina
Well, the VaGiants are on the road, but they have the kind of defensive speed up front to contain Newton. Maybe. Hell, I don't know. The Panthers lost to the Bucs and the VaGiants beat the Bucs, so I'm going with that.
VaGiants 28, Panthers 24

Enjoy your stupid Thursday Night Football, those of you who have a cable provider that takes care of you by letting you have dedicated football channels. I'm not bitter.

Mark Fabiani is Probably a Lying Liar

Do yourself a non-favor and read this typical smug "you fans are so cute when you try to understand football" piece that Nick Canepa wrote in rebuttal to TJ Simers saying the Bolts would be bailing to L.A. soon. Hey everybody, Mark Fabiani laughed about it and said that it was wholly untrue (sort of). Um, Fabiani is the CHARGERS SPOKESPERSON and a LAWYER! If you believe anything Mark Fabiani says, go ahead and punch yourself in the nuts.

Here is the quote that Fabiani gives Nick Canepa in regards to what Simers said about the Bolts going to L.A.:

 “Not that I know of. If anything, the news out of L.A. makes a move there any time soon less likely.”

That is a non-commital response. That is not an answer. That is what cheaters say. That is utter bullshit. It is a 'yes' or 'no' question. This is like John Moore's calling the fans idiots for thinking that when he said the Padres would be competitive with a new ballpark, they somehow thought me meant the team on the field and not his team of accountants. It is subterfuge and it is obfuscation. Mark Fabiani is a weasel for allowing himself to be quoted thus.

Nick points out that if the Chargers wanted to move to L.A., they'd have done it years ago. Really? To where? The Colisseum? Let me make this as clear as I possibly can. The NFL wants a team in L.A. The NFL would love for that team to be the Chargers, because San Diego is a small potatoes football town. The NFL is not going to let Spanos leave one dump in San Diego for another dump in L.A., because then they will have no way to justify not giving us another franchise down the road like they had to with Houston, Cleveland and Baltimore. This issue has to be about a new stadium, which is why we still have Norv Turner. Turner will never win a Superbowl, so this town will never buy the Chargers a new stadium. They will make it look like the Chargers had no choice but to move because the citizens of San Diego just didn't "support" the team. Blackouts? No stadium? It's all your fault San Diego. L.A. let two football teams go and they're getting another chance. Why? Because L.A. is worth over $1,000,000,000 in TV revenue alone. We can't even get our baseball team's games on two of our major cable network providers. There is nothing here for the NFL.

Nick also says that if the Chargers ever threatened to leave San Diego, he's never heard it, and that's good enough for him. Why? Why is that good enough for him? More importantly, why would the team threaten to leave San Diego? Do cheaters threaten to cheat on their spouses or do they do it behind their backs?

The Chargers don't talk about their dealings with L.A. because they need to look totally innocent here in order to pull this off. the NFL is likely going to "donate" money to any stadium built in L.A. and they can only do that if it appears the Chargers dealt with the City of San Diego in good faith, and that the city still let them down. Because, otherwise, people would ask why the NFL wouldn't give money to San Diego, a town who clearly loved their team and wanted them to stay, instead of L.A. The NFL has to be able to say "San Diego refused to support their team, so we had to do what was best for the NFL and help relocate this unwanted team to L.A." They can't say that if it is openly known that the Chargers have been courting L.A. all along.

I will leave you with this. I believe it was during last off-season-I'd have to check the archives and I don't wanna-that I posted a column by Michael Silver at Yahoo! where he said several owners had told him that it is common knowledge that Spanos the elder always wanted to get this franchise to L.A. That's cocktail talk, and it's far different than what gets filtered or even excised through lawyers. Where there's smoke, there's fire, and we've been choking on the smoke in this town for over a decade.

Week 2 Premature Evaluation...

Welcome back to Premature Evaluation, I'm your host and this is guaranteed to be the time you least waste in the very near future. As always, this is the time where I again assign the grades for each team's weekly performance on what is mostly a pass/fail basis, unless of course I feel like being a dick. And lemme tell you, I'm not in the best of moods right now. Commence attitude problem: NOW!

• Green Bay- Way to reassert yourself Cheesedicks! Many in the national media were quick to write you off as 0-2, convinced you would fail against the mighty BearCubs. You did not fail.  Pass. 
• Chicago- You would think that a four interception seven sack performance would earn you the SuperFail grade of the week. Not in my system friend. Chicago, and more importantly Jay Cutler a.k.a. Sulkface the Clown earned a good old fashioned fuckin' A GODDAMNED + from me.  Performances like that, complete with the Queen of Sulk Face on the sidelines and an impromptu shove of your offensive lineman that you don't feel protected you properly, nearly makes you a favorite in my book.  Your fail is my happy in the pants moment. 
• Chefs- Again with you? Did the Falcons just put on Bills uniforms and annihilate you the same professional manner? Shame on you. I guess that's what happens when you put an unproven interim coach in charge of your team. At least we'd never do something like that unless that coach played left tackle. Fail. Yousuckchefs.
• Bills- You beat the Chefs. If you're proud of that, you're a horrible football team. C. And by now we all know what C's mean. You're proudest moments Buffalo include O.J. Simpson and being on the losing end of the Music City Miracle. Woof. 
• New Orleans- many in the national media, here fore to be known as the "Roving Band of Shitbags" were writing you off at the 0-2 level again. Only you succeeded in fulfilling their wet dreams. Now they're going to spooge "Saints are done" rhetoric and justify their happiness with the evils of your bounty program. So you fucking fail. Not for losing to a Carolina program that is not quite easy to beat regularly anymore, but for giving those fuckwits fodder to ruin my eyeballs with. Fail. F.
• Carolina- Cam Newton will make or break you weekly. Steve Smith might or might not do something incredible. Who knows? Mike Tolbert will still be involved somehow. You're not quite there yet and you're still not quite interesting unless Cam Newton is on your fantasy team. He is not on mine. Beating the Saints gets you a pass. But you lost to the Bucs so the stench of failure is not that easy to rinse off. 
• Cleveland- You hung in there Cleveland and we're all really unimpressed by the fact that you are still actually existing as a football team. Thankfully again, we didn't waste time watching so everyone wins! But, we still have to grade you and since Colt McCoy still can't unseat Shannon Tweed's husband at quarterback. Grade: Fail. 
• Cincinnati- You beat Cleveland by a touchdown.  In my spread pool I picked you and the line was -7. You pushed the spread against Cleveland. Literally no one wins when you do. I'd lay low for a while or you're going to get a good talking to. Pass. D-. But don't tell anyone. It's still really hard to tell you and Cleveland apart really, so don't push your luck. 
• Minnesota- really? You're only going to give the ball to Adrian Peterson 16 times huh? Were you even watching last week when he got the ball 20+ times and ran for nearly 100 yards and scored two touchdowns proving his knee was quite okay? 16 times? You get 16 FAILS. Zygi your owner doesn't have a long leash for your kind of coaching okay? You've been warned. 
• Indianapolis- I guess you are going to be pretty high on that victory aren't you? Luck your Savior  quarterbacked a game winning drive! You beat the Vikings! That's almost like showing real promise! Alas, no one saw your almost rise to mediocrity. Pass. I'm feeling sympathetic today. 
• Houston- Because I won't call you the Texans because Texans are the worst. You know how you know somebody is from Texas? They tell you six times in the first minute you meet them. Who did you play? Jacksonville? Moving on...
• Jacksonville- Seven points huh? You're an NFL quality team apparently. You won't pay your best player, the only person on your team that scored a touchdown. Good business model Sheik. Sweet moustache though. There's not enough FAIL in the world for you right now. I'd stick you with Berman and Dilfer here but, you know they're going to be on t.v. again and I'll look stupid if I do. You've been spared. For now. 
• Tampa- A lot of people are making a big deal out of the fact that you tried to kill Eli Manning's knees with no time on the clock.  I say that's the only redeeming quality about you. I'm not so secretly hoping that Vincent Jackson hurries up and gets a DUI so that he really looks like a malcontent and not an awesome elite receiver we let go for no good reason whatsoever. You lost, but you didn't piss me off. You still fail however. 
• New York VaGiants (Thanks Max!)- I mean seriously, if you VaGiants opponents don't step it up and actually kill Eli's knees when the clock is nearly expired in a loss, we're going to be treated to an entire generation of horrible Super Bowls won by the VaGiants. DO SOMETHING! More and more evidence is piling up like cat shit in a hoarders apartment that Archie and Eli were right about A.J. You have no idea how hard this is to type. Pass. 
• Baltimore- Ed Reed is still not a Charger. Fail.
• Philadelphia- I'm just shocked no one was murdered by a battery or a champagne bottle in this one. Mike Vick is on pace to throw 48 interceptions, yet the Iggles are 2-0. I've secretly wished we'd trade Norv Turner for Andy Reid. I don't know how I feel about that trade now. Pass. 
• Oakland- Still driving the power rankings down for every team that plays and beats you. Which is every team. God dammit you're horrible. Now that your owner is dead that you all wished would die forever, for some reason you're all mourning his death and celebrating his life and legacy, yet you're still carrying on the legacy of FAILURE. Raider fans I know showed up at the bar Week 1 with custom Raider T-Shirt jerseys with the name "Rings" on the back and the number "3" signifying your three Super Bowl Rings.  None of those people were born when those championships were won.  Your punishment is now. FAIL. Dilfer level fail. Failures.
• Miami- You beat Oakland. Jeff Ireland is slowly injecting AIDS into your I.V. before he's fired in a week. Only, by beating Oakland, you saved his job. Way to go Reggie Bush. Fantasy Football players everywhere love you. Miami Dolphins fans hate you. And nobody dies from AIDS anymore, it just makes you that much more miserable. Pass. D. 
• Dallas- HAHAHAHAHA!! I love it when everyone is right about you.  You fucking colossal disappointments! Oh it's so much fun when Jerry loses his shit. You're terrible at football but good for my schadenfreude! FAIL at football, PASS at entertaining me with your FAIL!
• Seattle- I like your town, I like the potential of your quarterback and we all know I love and owe Beast Mode a beer and a hug. But we're not quite sure you're actually not outkicking your coverage in that win. That may have been a fluke (see: LOSS at Arizona Week 1 as evidence) but you've got Moxie. And Moxie isn't proven to cause cancer so you PASS. B+. See you Wednesday.
• Washington- I hate you Mike Shanahan. Robert Griffin III might be something special. As soon as the Fantasy community adopts him, Sonic the hedgehog will turn him into a punter or claim he's got migraines and hide his helmet from him. Oh, and you lost to the up and coming Rams. Fail. At the organizational level, TurboFail! Like the Edsel of Fail. 
• New York Fiddles- Way to get destroyed by the Steelers. You're making my power ranking post that much easier (COMING SOON WITH 20% MORE POWER!) Let the Teboners start their climb to relevance. F. Fail. There's no sympathy for you. 
• Pittsburgh- You lost to the Broncos and beat the Jets? At least no one got hit with a blimp? You Pass by default. I can't fail you though I want to so so badly. 
• Tennessee- I have to Pass you Titans.  Because you never fail at quitting. Your offense is so ridiculous. Jake Locker was lucky enough to get rid of the ball for one first down in nine drives. If I were the defense I'd quit too, especially when you're down by 21 points. You make the Norv Turner shine. I should fail you for helping protect his job, but it's only week two. You won't be the only one who does so. 
• San Diego- I said it last week somewhere that you can't control who you play. Way to go boys. You destroyed the kid with the helmet on the short bus. Run blocking still looks like shit though. Pass. C+. You're improving. Your real test is yet to come and by the looks of the 12,000 empty seats nearly guaranteeing a blackout, there's more people than me that are afraid of this game. 
• Detroit- nothing to be ashamed about in this loss.  Except well, losing you fucking losers. God Dammit, somebody beat that shit team and make the nightmares stop! F!
• San Francisco- You are a little fickle bitch of a town with the worst kind of front running fans around. But your football team is about as good as it's ever been. Normally, that would make me want to punch a baby, but I think I'll refrain. Instead I'm going to drive to Jerry Garcia's grave and dig a hole and shit on it. Pass. A. FUCK. FUCK!
• Denver- I'm still a little worried about you. You turned the ball over like a Thai hooker turns over tricks and you lost by 6 points. But you're in second place and we all know that second place is the first dickhead. Fail. 
• Atlanta- Your first victory doesn't count as the Buffalo Bills just proved. Tonight you beat Denver. That will earn you a pass. But you beat them by 6 points when you should have beaten them by 287 points, or about the same amount of times they turned the ball over. What you did do was end the idiot talk in San Diego that we should have kept Michael Turner over TBE. Discussion ended. Fantasy football teams are mourning Turner's death tonight. Pass. Barely. C. Lots of condescending dickheads in the NFL currently. 

That's it for now. We'll have the new and improved power rankings soon and the up to date grading of the scab referees, as they too have earned their way to the FAIL portion of our programing. 

Enjoy the 2-0 start. Shit gets real now.

Let's Talk Chargers Football

Let me preface everything I’m about to say by saying that I am thrilled the Chargers are 2-0 and at the exact second I’m writing this they are alone in first place in the AFC West. Check back in a few hours to see if anything’s changed. Even with all my naysaying, my loathing of AJ and my utter dissatisfaction with Norv Turner, I want this team to succeed. I want them to make me look foolish, and so far, so good. I could not have imagined we’d start out the season this strong. I also could not have imagined how bad our competition would be.

I expected the Raiders, with a healthy McFadden, would look a little less boring than that and give us some trouble. Well, they were awful. And you know what? They were awful again against the Dolphins, who actually scored TDs on them. A lot of TDs. The Dolphins are starting a rookie QB and they were able to score TDs. We start a QB that the locals will tell you is a lock for the Hall of Fame and we put on a field goal kicking seminar.

As for the Titans? Just wow. That is a sorry franchise. A few years ago, their O-line was so dominant that they were able to make Vince Young look competent. Chris Johnson ran for 2,000 yards and no one could even tell that he was terrified of contact. You can tell now. That dude couldn’t hit the hole with a wad of cash at the Hong Kong Club in Tijuana. It wouldn’t surprise me if they find Johnson lying dead in a ditch somewhere this week. That negates his contract in regards to the cap, right?

As for our performance against said Titans? Yes, we started out strong in the game, but then we turned around in the second quarter and tried to hand that quick start right back. And for about a quarter and a half, the Titans defense did everything in its power to turn the momentum around, but their sorry offense wouldn’t have it. Finally, even they shut it down-because why not?-and we were able mop the rest of the game up with Jackie Battle.

And hey, speaking of Jackie Battle, everybody please just relax. I’ve seen Jackie Battle. Jackie Battle has a sweet NFL name and is a big dude who’s plenty capable of running over a demoralized defense in the fourth quarter, but he is not the answer to all of our running game prayers. Of course, there’s very little sense in telling the die-hards.These are the same people who are still convinced we should have started Billy Volek in the 2007 AFC Championship game. But I get it, everybody wants a Battle jersey to replace their Sproles jersey.

One real positive that came of the game was that I finally now know why we signed a bushel of tight ends in the offseason. We have a tight end problem. Oh sure, right now we can handle it, but in a few weeks AJ will have Norv out hustling in back alleys for more tight end money. Dante Rosario catches TDs when there are Chargers on the field, so I guess it was a pretty good idea to sign him. McMichael and Green had some moments. I can’t be sure, but I think Justin Peelle even came back to town, suited up and caught four passes. You all remember Justin Peelle, right?

A couple of other stary observations:

• Nice of the Bolts to retire Seau’s Jersey. Maybe if they’d done it while he was alive he’d still be here! Too harsh? Never mind, lovely ceremony.

• I love Dan Fouts, but dude had a mini meltdown when the refs didn’t throw a flag for roughing the kicker. Not much contact there. Kind of embarrassing, Dan.

• Seriously, Chris Johnson is a wuss. In terms of being a football player, that is. As a person, he’d still kick my ass in a fight. But that is neither my job nor his.

Next week it looks like we get our first real test when Atlanta comes to town, and when I started writing this I was pretty excited. Since then, they’ve picked off Manning 3 times and I’m not feeling as great about it. Still, until then…Go Bolts!!!

Super Fun Picks Time - Week 2 Edition!

After nailing my prediction for Thursday Night I’m a whopping 9-8 on straight up predictions on the season and I’m starting to wonder why I wanted to immortalize my picks on the internet. But you know what? No guts, no glory. So I’m going to go ahead and double down on this week’s games. Each and every one of these predictions is a bonerfied sure thing, so you can go ahead and empty your child’s college fund this week. By Monday, you’re just going to want to go ahead and have more kids because you’re going to have enough cash to deliver an Ivy League education to a whole fleet of children. A group of children is called a “fleet,” right?

KC @ Buffalo

Kansas City is my not-so-secret pick to win the AFC West and they got off to a pretty promising start, holding their own against a strong Atlanta team in the first game. And then the second half happened. Still, I saw enough in the first half to tell me this team will be a contender. Last week I said I thought Buffalo would end up in the thick of things this year. What I meant to say is that Buffalo is liquid poo and not likely to get better as it turns out Fred Jackson is their version of Ryan Mathews, who is our version of utter disappointment through injury. Can you see where I’m going with this? Both of these teams need to work on their D a bit.

Chefs 34, Bills 23

New Orleans Drew Breesuses @ Carolina

Both of these teams have something to prove. NO allowed the most impressive performance by a rookie QB to date last week. Carolina lost to the Bucs. I don’t think I need to tell you that the Bucs lost 13 in a row last year and that Cam Newton was the original RG III (racist observation). I find it hard to go against the Breesus here, but that team has issues. And by that I mean their defense relies on luck in order to perform at an acceptable level and that should worry you bayou faithful.

Panthers 38, Saints 31

Cleveland at Cincy

Cincy is a good team that ran into a buzzsaw in Baltimore. They’ll bounce back against a Cleveland team that did nothing last week but prove that Andy Reid is every bit as terrible as everybody in Philly thinks. And I don’t like anyone that makes Philly fans look smart.

Bengals 27, Browns 6

Minnesota @ Indy

Like I’m sure I’ve stated in a smug manner before, there is no way that rookie savior in Indy is going to turn around that terrible franchise in his first year. And maybe not in his second year, because Jared Allen is probably going to eat him on Sunday. Of course, the Vikings have problems of their own. But AP looked good last week, and that should be enough to get them off to a promising 2-0 start before their inevitable slide into their reserved seat in the NFC North basement.

Vikings 21, Colts 17

Houston @ Jacksonville

I don’t want to be crude, but who on the NFL scheduling committee did Houston lovingly blow? Dolphins, then Jags to start the season. There are some kids in my neighborhood who would look pretty formidable if given that tough start to the season. Next week, the Mission Bay High School Buccaneers!

Shitty Names  37, Jags 23

Oakland @ Miami

Oh brother. I hope they’re showing this contest locally. Oakland is terrible, with a considerable lack of talent coupling with poor coaching to create a perfect storm of ineptitude. Over/under on touches by McFadden? 44. The Dolphins get some sort of strange high from slaughtering the Raiders when they come to town. Beating Oakland is like bath salts to the Dolphins. Bath salts is a thing, right? I should have gone with Salvia, there.

Dolphins 20, Raiders 13

Arizona @ New England

Arizona came out and surprised a lot of people by taking out a well-regarded Seattle Sea-I can’t even do it. This game is unfair, and there should be some sort of competition committee investigation into how it was allowed to be scheduled. If Arizona is smart, they are already game planning for next week.

Patriots 30, Cards 16

Tampa Bay @ NY VaGiants

This game is watchable. I think the Bucs are a big bounce back team and I think theirs will be a fun campaign to watch, but don’t the VaGiants just feeeeeel like a 1-1 team to you? Tampa Bay will play a fast exciting four quarters, a la “the hare.” And somehow “the tortoise” (Eli) will saunter across the finish line first when all is said and done.

VaGiants 28, Bucs 27

Baltimore @ Philly

If Philly can just manage to keep Vick in the pocket with enough time to make his reads, the Eagles have a shot. Wait, no. That’s doesn’t look right. That’s a formula for disaster. This game is going to be a disaster.

Ravens 34, Eagles 24

Dallas @ Seattle

Like I said before, Dallas prefers to inflate expectations to gargantuan proportions before taking a shotgun to that balloon. Seattle has a rookie QB. And he is not RG III or Cam Newton no matter how much the national media wants him to be. Russell Wilson must give great interview because ESPN desperately wants to crown him. But this week he is what we thought he was. There’s still something left in that well, right? No? Well, screw you then.

Cowboys 27, Seahawks 13

RG III @ St. Louis

The Rams set out to make a statement last wee, nearly knocking off the mighty Detroit Lions. Mighty Detroit Lions? That can’t be right. Anyway, the Rams ended up making an entirely different statement along the lines of, “We’re just happy to look competitive,” or “Finishing is for glory mongering teams with talent and ability.” Washington made a statement of their own, which I like to think was “RG III is going to save Shanahan and ensure years and years of falling just short for the Redskins.” Seriously, if not for Elway, Shanahan would be managing a Staples.

Redskins 31, Rams 16

NY Jets @ Pitt

The Jets are going to be playing with a chip on their shoulder all season. The Steelers are getting old in a lot of bad places and I have to wonder how good they really are after watching the Denver Mannings kind of just beat them up last week. With Revis out, Pitt can score with those receivers of theirs, but I don’t know if Pitt’s D can even stop Sanchez right now.

Jets 27, Steelers 24

Tennessee @ San Diego

The entire world is acting like this is a pretty easy win for the Bolts, but that just tells me that people are only looking at scoreboards. This Chargers offense was bland and uncommitted to scoring touchdowns on Monday night. That worked against the Raiders who only have one player. One. The Titans get Kenny Britt back. They’ve got Nate Washington. I’m almost positive there is a TE on their roster. And if you delve into the pantheon of dubious honors in San Diego sports, you’ll find that our teams have a way of rejuvenating guys like Chris Johnson. Still, I somehow think we pull this off. Making all that sweet schadenfrude all the tastier later on in the season. No, seriously, I swear I’m a Chargers fan.

Bolts 31, Titans 24

Detroit @ Frisco

It’s my understanding that people from Frisco hate when you refer to Frisco as Frisco, which is why I always refer to Frisco as Frisco. I’ll tell you what, though, Frisco looks pretty dang good right now. Not ’94 Frisco good, because that team was run by the mafia and full of overpaid cheaters, but still pretty good by today’s standards. And they are running into Detroit at the right time, as Detroit nearly lost to the damn Rams last week. That’s a red flag the size of Omaha. I have no idea how big Omaha actually, but I’m sure it’s much larger than most normal flags.

Frisco 30, Detroit 24

Denver @ Atlanta

It would not surprise me at all if Atlanta pulls some Jeckyll and Hyde bullshit and plays great on the road while sucking balls at home this season. Just seems like such an Atlanta thing to do. Remove Peyton Manning from a 10-6 Colts team and they drop to 2-14. Add Peyton Manning to an 8-8 Broncos team that made the playoffs and you probably have a Superbowl. I feel dirty typing that.

Broncos 28, Falcons 24

Well, there you go. There’s no taking it back now. I’m going to go soak myself in booze.