Ha! I can't believe you fell for it! If you went with my picks last week you undoubtedly lost your house. And it serves you right; Gambling is a sin. Okay, I'll throw you a bone. Go sell a pint of blood and put your money on these picks. For real. Honest.
Tampa @ Atlanta
People are claiming Atlanta is the class of this division since the Saints are acting like they lost the Superbowl last year, but you gotta like how spunky these Bucs are. Or you can do as I do and not give a fuck. Michael Turner, please save my fantasy football season this week and prove to everybody I wasn't crazy to take you with the 4th overall pick again this year.
Bucs 17, Falcons 28
Miami @ Baltimore
I think I picked Miami to lose last week here, but I took them to win in my money pool. It did me no good in either case. I think Baltimore is one of three teams that I actually feel comfortable picking week to week, so I'm going to go with that.
Fins 20, Ravens 24
Chicago @ Buffalo
Buffalo has played good teams into OT the last two weeks, so I have no doubt they will get blown out by the awful Bears this week. And then the media will fall in love with Jay Cutler again for a week. That guy fucking blows goats.
Bears 34, Bills 21
New Orleans @ Carolina
You know who gets no respect? Old Orleans. Carolina sucks.
Saints 42, Panthers 13
New England @ Cleveland
You know who gets no respect? Cleveland. You thought I was going to say Old England, didn't you? But that would have been a lie, because Old E gets mad respect, yo. I don't no how good New E is, but I think Cleveland has burned their one major upset for the year. Peyton Hillis is good, but the Pats have like 6 crazy white guys on their team.
Pats 28, Browns 24
NY Jets @Detroit
I decided to start not hating the Jets last week and they just couldn't live with that. So now they can go fuck themselves again.
Jets 27, Lions 24
San Diego @ Houston
On the road. On TV. That is a bad combination for this year's Blue and Gold. Matt Schaub has taken something of a beating in the court of public opinion this year, so I expect him to light up our bullshit ranked defense this week. Rivers will have another amazing stat line after this one, but the rest of the team will probably have an amazing boneheaded fuck-up line this week. Sorry, faithful.
Bolts 30, Texans 35
Arizona @ Minnesota
If the Vikes can't get it together against the Cards somebody needs to load Chilly into a rocket and fire him into the sun.
Cards 16, Vikings 31
NY VaGiants @ Seattle
Ugh, I may have mentioned this before, but it bears repeating; Seattle is the worst! Oakland murdered them last week. Look, I fully expected Oakland to be better this year, but God if Denver and Seattle didn't make them look like the '94 Niners. Fucking Seattle. The VaGiants may be for real again. There's the jinx.
VaGiants 45, Seahawks 9
Kansas City @ Oakland
This is somehow the match-up of the week. Look, I am not surprised to see these teams putting in the effort this year, but these two fan bases are really trying to make me get over my Norv hatred and pull full force for my Bolts again. Seriously, you've sucked out loud for years, let's not slip back into cocky again so quickly.
Chiefs 20, Raiders 28
Indy @ Philly
You two teams wish you were the Chiefs and the Raiders. Poseurs. There is no way this game is televised locally. God, NFL programming sucks shit through a straw. Vick is back and he's barking mad. Get it? Barking? Never. Gets. Old. Peyton Manning to...me? Why not? I'm sure he'd make me a star, that magic quarterbacking man!
Colts 30, Iggles 28
Dallas @ Green Bay
Green Bay. God, how you annoy me. Honestly, I don't even know why, but if Dallas somehow manages to beat them after this pick I will be positive the feeling is mutual. Get packed, you fucking Packers.
Cowboys 28, Packers 34
Pitt @ Cincy
Let the plummet continue. People keep calling Cincy a big surprise disappointment and it makes me think no one was paying attention to the end of their season last year. That this team hasn't invested in a QB of the future yet tells me that they are drinking their own Kool-aid. Hope you enjoyed your season last year, because the Bengals will be sucking now and for the foreseeable future.
Steelers 30, Bengals 10
There, that should get all you losers back on your feet. Happy footballing!!!