Lets Pick Some Winners

As everybody else in the world gets to watch their team begin yet another glorious season of NFLing, I will be scowling into my vortex bottle and waiting. Still waiting for yet another Monday night opener. And not even the marquee Monday nighter, but the consolation, "see west coast, we totally care bout you" Monday nighter. Thanks NFL, you're all heart. At least I've got my fake football players to root for. Yay. To make it at least a little more interesting, I'm going to go ahead and hang my football idiot flag out there for everyone to see and make some picks.

Cleveland @ Tampa Bay

Ugh, meteor. Cleveland 24, Tampa 17 Next, please.

Miami @ Buffalo

I think I just heard Ditka say that Buffalo was going to throw a wrench into the AFC East for the first 4 weeks of the season. They should force him into a home. Miami 30, Buffalo 13

Cincinnati @ New England

My first instinct is to call both of these teams grossly overrated (and annoying as hell), but with Tom Brady a full year after recovery from his knee injury I have to believe that team starts to run up the score again. Cincy 24, New England 35

Indy @ Houston

Is this the year? Does Houston finally turn the corner and wrest the reigns of the division from the mighty Colts? No. Indy 31, Houston 27

Crappy Denver @ Jacksonville

Kyle Orton was a stud in the preseason. That means nothing. Denver has no offensive playmakers. Jacksonville has one. Do not watch this game. Fucking Denver 13, Jax 24

Atlanta @ Pittsburgh

I like Dennis Dixon. To my knowledge he has never raped anyone. But I'm financially invested in Michael Turner. Oh, and fuck the Steelers! Atlanta 26, Pitt 20

Oakland @ Tennessee

I, like most other stupid people expect Oakland to be considerably improved without Fat, Lazy Albert at QB. But week one in Tennessee? I have a hard time with that. Oakland 21, Tennessee 24

Carolina @ NY Giants

For a game that might mean something, I am completely uninterested. And I have Deangelo Williams on my Wizards of the Coast league (Feel the nerdery flowing through you). I don't care how much of a hard on ESPN has for the VaGiants, I am uncompelled. Carolina 30, VaGiants 24

Detroit @ Chicago

If you see me watching this game call the police because my loved ones are being held hostage somewhere. It's hard to even hate Cutler anymore he's become such an over the top parody of himself. Detroit 20, Chicago 27

Arizona @ St. Louis

Those reports of Arizona's demise may be a bit premature. And this is still the Rams they're up against. Arizona 20, St. Louis 19

Green bay @ Philidelphia

Have you heard? Green Bay has somehow already won the Superbowl! Reminds me of when my team won the Superbowl. Green Bay 30, Philly 31

San Francisco @ Seattle

Frisco is the undisputed favorite to win the NFC West, which is like being the undisputed favorites to beat the Washington Generals. Frisco 21, Generals 10

Dallas @ Washington

Dallas. Has any team garnered more respect for doing so little? They will be in the NFC Championship game with Green Bay, no doubt. Ha, they love to choke against the Redskins and they love to choke against Donovan McNabb. Dallas 14, Washington 24

So there's today's picks. Choke on 'em, Heh, 'em. He'll always be Dig Them to me! I'll go over tomorrow night's picks tomorrow or the next day. Until then, go football!!!