Sunday, September 05, 2010

Hi. I'm Back. What? What the Hell Did You Do While I Was Gone...?

Blackout period officially lifted. New huge television disaster narrowly averted and a football team (strikingly similar to the baseball posse here in town) is sparkling in it's disarray. Wow, the more things change the more they stay shitty and foul smelling.

As many of you may have heard, much like our wonderfully (mis)managed country's struggling economy, our footballing squad has hit a bit of a "rough patch". And by rough patch I mean being piloted by a half blind Kamikaze directly towards a nuclear power plant doing it's best impression of Chernobyl. No, those aren't racist comments, it's hyperbole of the highest order.

Again, as you may have heard, or not in some cases as the "sports reporting" in San Diego consists of A.J. Smith's hand puppet and my favorite, favorite of ever, Nick Canepa, and the always reliable for a verbal fellating Kevin Acee, two of the cogs in the wheel of Chargers GO, are unavailable for play and or comment. Perhaps you've heard of these two pro bowl caliber players, Vincent Jackson and Marcus McNeil. Now, I'm not here to inject my opinion about whether or not I think that management could have done more to negotiate with these players to facilitate a deal that would have gotten them to camp, not only on time but in an agreeable fashion, but we know the Godfather wouldn't have it any other way than total, complete, dictatorship control. Now being that Jackson is represented by these guys it's really no surprise that Smith is leveraging his position. Rumor has it that Jackson is not that skilled at driving drunk, being busted twice, once being pulled over for his inability to hear music at normal volume levels about 48 minutes before the coin toss of last years debacle of a playoff exit to the Jets (J-E-T-S SUCK, SUCK SUCK!!) in what has become classic Charger playoff form. Now, you'd think as Acee points out that if you have a reputation for questionable decision making and your agency has in fact been negotiators and or paid excuse makers for the likes of O.J. Simpson, "P-Diddy" Combs, Mike Tyson, and Lindsay Lohan, the Godfather will use that to box you up and ship you out of town to Abu Dhabi and or anywhere that is near exile for a Crest Liquor Beefy Bird Sandwich and a 7th round draft pick. Right or wrong it's what we've come to expect. Max was kind enough to point out that Acee probably fished out the four worst clients Jackson's representation was saddled (chose to represent) with, but I'm sure if I did a little digging I'd find they also represent Paris Hilton, Jesse James and Hitler.

All that leads to what little can confirm but most of us think and by most of us I mean Max and myself, conspiracy theorist extraordinaires, the long term future of the McNeil's and the Jackson's and quite honestly the Merriman's are insecure at best and probably solidified as probability zero. As Max mentioned, I firmly believe that Merriman's sore achilles is due in part to him longing for that long term deal that isn't coming, and quite frankly the way the Godfather muscles his minions to do his bidding Merriman knows as most of us do, he's not long for the squad. Why put it on the line this year for a team that has been so outspoken about his poor off field choices? Why put it on the line for a team with no cornerback, no safety and no left tackle? I can understand why his achilles might hurt, save it for next year, get the Jets to pony up some multiple millions over five years to underachieve for that shit managed squad of assholes. Nothing personal.

Quite honestly this applies to all three of the "key free agents". McNeil is the most likely to be signed as he's the armed guard for the best quarterback this town has seen in decades that makes a cool shade under a hundred million dollars. Probably want to protect that asset with the two time pro bowler in lieu of Dombrowski, who, I'm sure is a really cool guy, but expectations for that second year San Diego State "graduate" are slightly skewed upward this year wouldn't you say?

To diminish the role of that position is rather ridiculous but the Godfather and that god damned Norv Turner will have you believe that Dombrowski is ready to defend that spot. We'd better be damned sure he's ready, because if he's not, and god forbid if he's not, an injury to ol'Laserface and we're through. Let's be perfectly clear about this, if/when Laserface goes down the backup quarterback position is about as solidified as the California government.

Again, the "media types" in this town (I'm being generous and trying to limit my expletive count) will have you believe that Billy Volek is the unquestioned backup and should anything befall Laserface, we are in good hands the United Way. Alas, this is not the case. As Max pointed out (stop beating me to the punch! Shut up!) Volek has made some poor decisions with the football this preseason. He completed less than 50% of his passes and threw a whopping zero touchdowns and four picks against the B-Squads of the likes of the Niner's and Saints. Umm what? Oh, and we cut Jonathon Crompton (Hey, Leinert's now available!) and the heir apparent to Vinny Jack Josh Reed. You'd think they'd give Reed a look at safety or corner since there's a black fucking hole there. OOOOHHHH... I smell a bet. Cason or Vasher? Who will lead the team in penalty yards and being burned like suck toast...?

And the Padres have lost eight in a row in a display of suckitude forgoing all fundamentals after the seventh inning and playing like the first round (sorry, second round, dumb bye week expectations!) playoff exit Bolts. A display not likely to be repeated until we dump two of our first three games and Norvy starts to mug his excuse face on in front cameras.

As you can well see I'm super pumped and excited about this year's squad! Should they migrate north on the five freeway as the Spanos'(Spani?) suggested in Max's last post, mind you, my allegiance will not follow as the article suggests. My allegiance will be placed in a box and sent to Cox Cable with a steaming pile of my own feces and a fork for them to enjoy a la carte.

2010 Football! It's fantastic! What did I do with my sarcasm font...?

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