Thursday, February 15, 2007

My Theory...

UPDATE: I hate the fact that I have to clarify that this is what I *think* will happen. Not what I *want* to happen. I'll post my preferences at a later date. Some people have trouble differentiating between the two...

After spending the last two days in that insufferable hell that is Los Angeles, I've come up with my theory. Not yours, you can keep your theory along with your scorching case of gonorrhea, this one's mine. After being prodded for my opinion the last forty eight hours of shit filled cultlike brainwashing power point sessions, I've come up with one as to who our new squadleader would be...

Jim Mora Jr.

Jim Senior will be happy to point out that our quarterback isn't a guy you want to be sharing bong rips with for sanitary purposes, but his son might be able to make this system here work. The high school equipment guy with autism that drained six three pointers in his first ever game might be able to let LaDainian Tomlinson score touchdowns. Probability: 47%

Ted Cottrell

Ted ran a 3-4 as a defensive coordinator. We like that. He used to coach the Jets. We don't like that. But, one way or another, we'll punish him for that. The GM will either filet his soul on a public stage, or we'll put forth one of those shotgun discharge up our own butthole performances in the playoffs. Either way, he loses. Probability: 26%

Rex Ryan

Token fat guy. Dad liked to punch other coaches. You think he won't take a swing at A.J.? Come on, it's coursing through his cholesterol, I mean blood colored cholesterol. Probability: 22%

Jimmy Johnson

I know what you're thinking. There's no way Jimmy's leaving Margaritaville to come out to sunny San Diego to run an awesome footballing team straight to the Super Bowl. Yeah, it's not his style to run a football team to the Super Bowl. He wouldn't know how to deal with an obnoxious G.M. (owner) and he certainly wouldn't know anything about how to relate to a bunch of troubled youth that have drug problems and frequent run ins with trigger happy campus patrolmen posing as cops. Doesn't seem like a good fit to me either. Probability: 5%

Many thanks to Deadspin for the happy Jimmy pic.


Maximum Colossus said...

Uhhh...duh, you for got Norv Turner! I can edit your posts or I would have gone ahead and corrected your obvious oversight myself. Just wanted to point it out.

P.S. I totally had my evil face on as I wrote that. Mwahahahaha!

CJ said...

If Norv Turner becomes our head coach, I'm quitting this football team. I'd rather turn my gonoherpasyphyllator ray gun on myself and live my days out in a burning itching hell than to watch that Raiders/Redskins/Chargers castoff man the helm of this squad. I'll dedicate my loyalties to hockeyball and arena football.