That Sucked. Is That Concise Enough For Ya?

I wasn't going to post this week as I have been in a state of utter denial, but since my boss is forcing me to sit here and twiddle my thumbs for the next three hours I have decided to work my way out of my thin candy shell and say a few words.

Great game Sunday. Really. It was one of the most superior outings I've seen from the Chargers this year. For about 54 minutes, anyway. Seriously, kick that freaking field goal! It netted us 16 yards to punt that ball. What is 16 yards to Peyton Manning? Even if we had pinned them back, it would only have meant giving a little more field to the best offense in the NFL. I know, I know. Easy for me to say. The defense had solved Manning and Co. all day, but the special teams had given up a massive momentum shift in the 4th, and things were getting scary. You've got to put a stopper in that sort of nonsense.

Another thing. Secondary, yeah I'm talking to you Drayton Florence, Quentin Jammer and Terrence Kiel. It's probably not a good idea to suddenly start standing around and letting guys fly past you down the field when the game is on the line. Huge lapse in concentration there, guys.

I refuse to be the kind of person who sits around and says that at least everybody knows the Bolts are for real now. I've known that for weeks. Truthfully, if we were going to lose this game, it probably would have been in our best interests to tank it big time, cause now no one is going to be looking past us in January.

As for this week, I considered going as a show of support, but when I saw people trying to hawk tix for $200 a piece, I decided to skip what will essentially be an exhibition game at the Murph/Q. To be honest, I think we will probably lose this game (mostly cause I just got my uniform and playbook in the mail), but I really hope we win to set up my post season dream scenario. We face the Broncs, Jets, and Colts, beating each team soundly, and finish it off with a major ass kicking of the Falcons in the Big One. All of or regular season losses avenged! Hmm? Hmm?! Pretty sweet, huh?

Well, I'll try to put something in here next week, but it's a short one,so don't expect a novel. After that, it's cheers to playoff football in Cabo! Go Bolts!!!

Happy Holidays...

Weekend Roundup:

-First things…well first: Merry Christmas…
-I am severely lacking any of the “Luck of the Irish”
-Be sure to catch the latest bestselling novel by my cohort entitled “How to Negotiate with Cab Drivers”
-Nine game winning streaks are tough to come by
-Losing that game was the best thing that could have happened
-Many more than one record fell in Indianapolis on Sunday
-Cabo is 10 days away
-There will be a playoff game viewed there
-Our coaches don’t trust our Iowan kicker
-Mr. Rivers should get some playing time on Sunday
-LaDanian “Touchdown” as he shall now be known, should get some rest. (Credit: August)
-The road to the Bowl goes through Pittsburgh
-Breakfast Sandwiches are good
-Caddyshack was a great film
-There was a Phil sighting
-Nope, still don’t like Peyton Manning

More later…

A Man's Gotta Do What A Man's Gotta Do.

Okay, here goes:

1) I have to agree with you here. Controlling the ball and keeping it on the ground for the majority of the game is a major key. Unfortunately for your weak heart, I see Lorenzo Neal getting at least a handful of carries. We all know how much you love that.

2) Again, I agree. Oben has done a far better job this year than most people expected he would, but he’s going to need a little help this week. Freeney is a monster. Hopefully, once he goes flying past “One Who Is Most Amazing” a couple of times, he’ll slow down a bit. Halfback draw on third and long anybody? Out of the shotgun? Could be interesting.

3) Where do you think I stand on this one? I come from the EA Sports school of thought here. You know, where punters typically have QB ratings of around 149.3. Is there any way I can take the over the over on this one? I mean, this is our 15th game of the season and Igor hasn’t caught a single pass yet. We’re so vanilla!

4) You’re right again, compadre. Picks will be key. Peyton doesn’t throw too many of them, but they have been our bread and butter. Look for at least one and it’s going to be a game breaker. You can take that to the bank. And make sure you get your change. As for the other two turnovers you’re looking for, Edge likes to run between the tackles, so don’t be surprised to see our very capable front seven wreak a little havoc.

5) You can bet your ass First Down! Is up to the challenge. After last week’s big touchdown he pretty much got to stand around and watch our core of backfield warriors cement the game. He’s recharged and psyched up.

6) This is the one that scares me a bit. The Colts rank pretty high up there in INTs and Skip hasn’t always looked comfortable with the kind of pressure he’s about to be confronted with. It goes back to the running game and getting him a few opportunities to go for it on downs that aren’t traditionally passing situations. Awe, screw it! Air it out all day long! I want to see points. I want to see the our QB shut everybody up about their QB.

7) I actually had two last week. Can I have one of yours? Pleeeeease?

Mmmm…Catholic school girls. All that Christmas stuff, blah, blah, blah.

Friday Comes Early...

Well it’s not Friday, but what can you do. A few thoughts then the Quick Hits…

John Clayton of the ESPN football fame has noted another Bolt snub. He cites Steve Foley as the heart and soul of our defense and is shocked that he was not selected for the big luau. Surprisingly though, he takes his credibility, wads it up and pitches it into the pacific and never mentions Donnie Edwards. Strange…

Bill Simmons once again of the immortal ESPN (link provided above, see: Sports Guy) has also noted the Bolts in his column this week. It can be said that Bill has a bit of a liking for wagering on professional sporting events and each week he bestows his wisdom upon us with his picks of the week. He notes that the Bolts are 7.5 point dogs this week against the Colts, also noting that the Ravens (read: convicts of the new millennium) were 7 point dogs last week against the same Colts. Leading to the question, “How can an 11-3 team that matches up perfectly with the Colts be bigger dogs than the Ravens?” He continues with something along the lines that maybe the Chargers will garner the respect of everyone when they are still playing late in January. Read it for some good Charger feelings…

Colts, Colts, Colts. Here it comes. Time to put up or shut up. Time to leave it all out on the field. Big time players stand up and make big time plays. Cliches are complete, now let’s go out there and kick some Manning family can…On to the Hits…

1) Maybe the numero uno, number one thing this weekend in Indy. Keep that damned team off of the damned field. Control the ball and we can control Peyton WoManning. Controlling the ball means running the ball. Saddle up “Hoss” we are putting it on you this week. Run the damned ball and control the time of possession. If this one belongs to us, look for us to be in it until the end…

2) Roman Oben vs. Dwight Freeney. This one is a bit dicey. You see, Roman had a bit of difficulty handling Simeon Rice against the Bucs. Drew had that guy climbing up his back all the day long. Last time I checked Freeney was a bit quicker than the Man of Rice. Roman needs to protect the Skip when we decide to throw it.

3) Oh I bet you can’t wait for this one. I have been waiting for this one for weeks now. You should probably sit down….Sitting? Here it is…

THE ENTIRE PLAY BOOK IS OPEN.

Read it again. It gets better.

I EXPECT TO SEE TRICK PLAYS.

Still awake? Shall I get the smelling salts? That’s right, run ‘em. Run ‘em all. Every last one of ‘em. The Colts so offensive minded that they repeatedly fall victim to these plays, and had we kept the damned playbook shut when we should have against inferior teams, they would have no idea these were coming. But it is what it is. Prop Bet #1: Over/ Under: 1.5. I got the over…

4) Picks, Picks, Picks. They are going to be much harder to come by this week. We have to get a couple of them. We have to make them turn the ball over. Bottom Line. Turnovers will win this game. If we can get three of them in this one, you might see my cohort’s score become reality…

5) Antonio. Antonio. Antonio. You need to be ready this weekend my friend. You will get your opportunities. But they will be more situational and you must make big plays. I have faith and a huge sign in the back of the Av that bears your name. Make us proud on the way to victory lane…

6) Skip, I am talking directly to you. If they can stop the run, you must throw the ball straight like arrow and true. You must be Drew against Oakland in the 22-25 campaign. You must be Pro Bowl Drew. You must lead us to victory…

7) Victory Shots. I saved my victory shot from last week for this big one. This is the biggest game ‘o’ the year. I want to make up for last week and have two this week. Don’t disappoint me or yourselves this weekend and we all drink together. Shots at exactly 1:03 p.m…

Merry Christmas to all. Happy Footballing to all. Especially the Catholic School Girls and the ones who limp…

Man, I Have A Whole Lot Of Nothing To Say!

Let’s talk about what happened in Cleveland this past Sunday. For starters, the Chargers delivered their first shut out in 11 years. Not bad. They did it in the 4th coldest game in Charger history. The hell you say? And it was against the powerhouse Cleveland Browns. Okay, so that ain’t exactly anything to write home about. But for this team to persevere in the face of mother nature’s awesome fury could be just the confidence boost they’ll need to take them into post season glory. The defense continues to come up big, and LDT looks to be in prime form to help us get past two formidable opponents in the next two weeks. These games are huge. We could still get a bye here people.

The pro bowl votes are in, and as has been previously noted in this blog, our defensive heart and soul, Donnie Edwards was snubbed. Gay. A case could also be made for likes of Jamal Williams and Mike Scifres (Check it out, he’s a damn good punter), but Edwards is the real story here. The guy has far and away more tackles than any of the LBs who came out above him in the voting, and even though he isn’t a sack machine, he’s made enough big plays to make a believer out of me. Truth is, I’ve been a believer in Edwards for years, and I know a lot of KC fans who couldn’t believe that team would let him go. Worst of all, I heard the following story on the radio yesterday. Apparently, Donnie is a big war memorabilia buff. His grandfather was a WW II vet, which inspired Donnie to start his collection, a large part of which consisted of his grandfather’s own gear. Well, Sports Illustrated got wind of this and did a story on him. Edwards’ grandfather knew about the story but died before it went to print. That’s pretty tear jerking, wouldn’t you say? It’s not over. Edwards would have liked to have given pappy a proper vet’s burial, but the old man had made it clear he wanted to be cremated and have his ashes spread off the deck of one of the ships (I can’t remember which one) that is stationed in Hawaii. So Donnie goes out and busts his ass to make the Pro Bowl, so he can respect his grandfather’s wishes on that weekend. Guess that didn’t work out. Maybe he can get Joey Porter to do it for him. Super gay.

How about the boys that made it, though? Drew Brees? Can’t argue with that call. What a job this guy has done. In Sunday’s game he registered a 149.3 quarterback rating. Granted that was on a 4 for 6 day. But hey, the QB rating doesn’t lie. That’s kick ass. I was a little worried that the voter’s would go with America’s Sweetheart over there in Pittsburgh, but, amazingly, cooler heads prevailed and Drew got the nod. My personal MVP, he of the First Down!, Antonio Gates got the nod at Tight End. Honestly, who else gets this slot. The guy is all but assured to set the Tight End TD record, and is one of the most pleasant surprises in Bolt history. Hmm. Who was the other Charger that made it? Umm…it’s on the tip of my tongue. Oh, that’s right! Fresh off of last year’s snub, our boy LaDainian finally gets his due. Another no brainer of course. Over 1600 yards from scrimmage and 16 TDs should get you a couple of votes. Notice how none of last year’s AFC representatives are going back this year? Granted Priest Holmes was hurt and Jamal Lewis is a drug dealer, but how’s D.C. treatin’ ya Portis? Three cheers for three Chargers who are giving us a great year. Way to go boys!!!

Is anybody else out there getting a little giddy at the prospect of our glorious Lightning Bolts matching up against the Atlanta Falcons? Now that the Eagles have lost TO (Did you see that sorry offense after he went out?), it paves the way for Atlanta to make the big game. If we can keep up our end it will be sweet. I know we played them before, but we weren’t the team we are now, and we still should have won that game. I doubt we’d make the mistake of forgetting about Vick again. This would be the ultimate opportunity to put those Vick versus Tomlinson comparisons to bed, once and for all.

I sometimes forget myself. Before we talk about Super Bowls, I suppose I’d better address this week’s big game in Indianapolis. Did you know that the Chargers are the only team in the NFL with a QB with more than 20 TD passes, a receiver (or Tight End as the case may be) with over 10 TD receptions and a RB with over 10 TD rushes. How do you suppose Edgerrin feels about Peyton’s record in a contract year. Of course, I don’t really think Edgerrin’s lack of TD production is going to affect his market value, but it must be frustrating to be a premiere back in the NFL and see your team passing the ball so much inside the opponent’s five yard line. Look out Colts, the Football Gods are watching you very closely. But Peyton will likely at least match the record this week, and that’s fine with me, because I just don’t believe it’s going to be enough. The Bolts are playing hard, and playing with confidence. Their spot in the playoffs is set, and they aren’t chasing records. Look for the Bolts to play loose and free, and to take care of business handily in Colt Town. Chargers 38, Colts 24.

So that is that. I’m done posting til next week (unless of course my cohort says something so inane that I can’t help but rebut), and am brimming with fandom. Repeat after me: “All I want for Christmas is a first round bye (and homefield advantage throughout would be nice, but let’s not get greedy)!” Merry Christmas, and all that jazz! Go Bolts!!!

Bowling for Pros...

MMM….Catholic School Girl Bartenders…..MMMM….oh… sorry.

That Archuletta story is a gem, for those of you who are not privileged enough to know the jersey wearing psychopath in the last post, you are missing out on a spectacular human being. There is not a word in my vocabulary that would describe the feeling that I would have if said jersey is to survive the 2004 Rams campaign. There is no description for what the devil the Goats are doing on the field this season.

Lots to talks about today and seeing that this is Thursday of this week, Santa was nice enough to give us Friday off, we might as well get some of this stuff that needs talking about off of our desks. Sounds good to me, here we go.

Pro Bowlers were handed their tickets to Honolulu today, and for the first time in what seems to be about two and a half decades four Chargers are representing the Blue and Gold Bolt Faithful out there in paradiso. Them Bolts being, Mr. One and Only Skipper Himself, my cohort’s man amongst boys Mr. First and Ten Antonio Gates, and the illustrious, infamous (that means more than famous) “Hoss” Tomlinson, and finally, last but not least, one of the twenty and sixteen tackle games, with a share of the team lead for pickoffs, Mr. Donnie Edwards Linebacker Extraordin…… wait,.. what? Wait,… WHAT?!!! Donnie done got snubbed…

Not possible. This is not possible, nor is it acceptable. It is in fact totally unacceptable. Not quite climb onstage and shoot the guitarist five times in the head for breaking up your favorite band unacceptable, but unacceptable nonetheless. This is just another one of those times in beautiful Bolt history where the media has raised their gloriously self righteous middle fingers right at our team and our town almost daring us to do something about it.

And yes they probably knew that just like last year this town would cry foul after certain players from San Diego are left sitting at the terminal with their best Jimmy Buffet shirts and leis around their necks waiting for that notice to board the plane.

Nine Eagles can go? Nine? Six Steelers? Oh my god, three Bengals are going. There are in fact three Cincinnati Bengals going to the Pro Bowl. Who is in charge here? What is going on? They will pass go, they will collect their leis and they will be in Honolulu, while Donnie is sitting at home watching on television. He can sit at home with his 136 tackles and 4 interceptions, one while high stepping all the way to paydirt. This makes bullshit smell like roses… I feel like someone tied me down with barbed wire, punched me in the throat and shocked me in the groin with a cattle prod. Unbelievable.

I am through venting about Pro Bowl snubs, that is something that will sort itself out on the field. Hopefully Donnie will use this as motivation this weekend against the older woManning, and force that enormous cranium to run for its life. Man, how did they ever find a helmet big enough to fit over that guy’s skull? Game time prep will be discussed tomorrow…

The Arizona Power Report

So, I’m back from Arizona (have been for a couple of days actually) and I’m ready to talk about it. Hurray! What a treat for you. For those of you who didn’t get to read the post that I removed before because I felt it was a little too malicious, I will recap some of the minor points that were contained therein. The weekend started out with Kool (that’s me) and the Gang (Everybody else) eating non-pancake related food at the International House of Pancakes. There we met Paul. Paul brought his friend “Piece of Plywood Decorated Like A Medieval Shield Wearing A Santa Hat.” They dined with their friend “Coffee Pot,” who I can only assume was on a break. Paul sang for us and a good time was had by all. I, personally, am always amazed the common man’s ability to ignore some of the world’s greatest spectacles. Anyway, Paul was a great floor show, friends tackling girls in bars is awesome, and proving oneself to be “not chicken” by dancing on the bar is always a good time, but none of these things were the best thing I saw. The very best thing in the world is, as many of you have heard ad nausea, The Library. The Library is a bar. The bar looks kind of like a library. A library with books and couches and such. But they also have TVs. They show football and other sports things on these TVs and at night they play music and people can dance. It’s awesome. Oh, did I for get to mention that all of the waitresses and bartenders are hot women dressed like Catholic school girls? Cause that was pretty cool, too. Not only were they dressed in such a manner, they actually had choreographed little dance routines that they did together on the bar and it made my pants happy. Oh, and not a gimpy legged freak among them. Now, here’s a little hint for all you entrepreneurs out there with a little cash to invest. This is the easiest concept ever! There should be one of these places on every street corner of every town in the world. It is not possible to get sick of this sort of thing. I will be married someday in that bar, after which my new bride will most likely immediately serve me with divorce papers and I won’t care. Everybody wins.

Instead of tailgating before the Rams game, and watching the Charger game on satellite TV in some parking lot, we spent Sunday morning at-you guessed it-The Library. When the Charger game was no longer in doubt and the surviving members of our party arrived with our tickets, we hopped in a bike cab and headed out to watch The Boys of Martz officially give up. The titanic Arizona Cardinals put away the Goats within a few shorts minutes and my pal, Rams Fan Extraordinaire was in full bitch mode. I understood his frustration, having pledged allegiance to the Nation of Bolt since I was but a small child, however, no amount of consternation can possibly justify what took place at halftime. As I was returning from the concession stand with my umpteenth adult soda, I struck up a conversation with an attractive woman of about 40. She was a pleasant enough lady, and when our conversation turned to the debacle on the field she informed me that she was related, by marriage, to a certain Rams safety whose jersey my pal, Rams Fan Extraordinaire, wears nearly each and every Sunday. She also said that if we were to stick around after the game, and the Rams weren’t busy committing ritual suicide, that there was an outside chance we could get pictures taken with some members of the team. Imagine how excited my pal, Rams Fan Extraordinaire, is going to be when I tell him. Oh, here he comes now:

Me: Hey Jerk-off (Not his real name, but may as well be), this is Jill, she is related by marriage to the guy on your jersey!

Jerk-off: Oh really, cause the guy on my jersey sucks! And the Rams suck! This is the worst team I’ve ever seen!

Me: (To Jill) I’m sorry my friend is a douche bag. We’ll leave you alone now.

Isn’t that awesome?! Oh well, I know who gets the next kick in the beanbag. Game over. Back to the Library. My team rules, and I can’t believe they let us on the plane home.

Wager Me This...

On to gambling thoughts...

One thing that I have yet to really communicate here is the tendency for some people in this world to heighten the football experience on Sunday with a little bit of healthy wagering on their favorite or not so favorite footballing teams. Some people do it via the ever so brain boggling fantasy land style league play (insert editorial comment about “these people” here) and others live by the old fashioned rules that calling Vinnie up on Sunday morning will suffice. ( Disclaimer: I for one do not and would not ever condone gambling in any form whatsoever, so this column in no way refers to me or anything that I have ever done ever concerning this topic. Thank you.) That being said, this is a topic that I am vaguely familiar with and at this point in every football season it becomes slightly more relevant with the push to the playoffs, leading up to the mother of all that is betworthy games in early February.

From time to time my friend Chris* (name changed for identity protection) has been known to place some more than friendly wagers at times during the football and basketball seasons respectively. One thing that is a constant hindrance according to Chris is a lack of what wrestlers call intestinal fortitude (read: testicular motivation). But according to the records the wins outweigh the losses by about a two to one ratio, or at least in the 2004 seasons. I would say that someone with a 600+ winning percentage is qualified in this area of discussion. Not to mention that the previous weeks have been an amazing run for the frontrunners of the AFC and the Iggles of the plagued NFC and there was apparently some money to be made there.

After absorbing what was win number eight in a row this past fine Sunday morning in America’s Finest City, and digesting what was seemingly the end of the Ponies from Snakeville’s last game of the year, I happened to be approached by Moron-Boy. Moron-Boy has been mentioned here previously, most recently in the post after the Denver shellacking a couple weeks ago. Moron-Boy is by all means what can only be described as the true definition of “Moron”, hence the name. Moron-Boy is a Denver fan. Moron-Boy is not from Denver. Moron-Boy is actually from Philadelphia. For no apparent reason Moron-Boy roots for Denver. Moron-Boy has also stated that he will now return to rooting for his default team, the Eagles. There are so many things that we can say about Moron-Boy that will go unmentioned, but I can assure you, if you think of any that seem fitting, I personally guarantee anything you come up with is probably 98% accurate. Moving on…

At about the time that Denver fell behind by about 20 points give or take a field goal, Moron-Boy was first one off the pony express wagon and the first to get on to the “I Hate Everything Blue and Gold Wagon”. As mentioned Moron-Boy came right at me with this spectacular exchange, “I’ll bet you $100 bucks that the Chargers don’t make it out of the first round of the playoffs.” Instantly I thought of Chris and his ingenious gambling mind. How would this subject be received? What would Chris do? I tried for a minute to put myself in Chris' shoes. I thought about my own level of intestinal fortitude and I opted for the conservative, moderate, controlled approach that I have heard Chris preach. I made my move, “What are you a Moron? Riddle me this genius boy, why would I bet you that the Chargers will lose their first round playoff game, A) We don’t know who they are playing, B) We don’t know the point spread, and finally C) Is it because your season just ended or because you haven’t seen your Willie past that belly of yours in years that gives you license to be a retard?” Moron-Boy responded with something along the lines that the offer would expire at the end of the day and that it would not be re-upped, yet I could barely hear the drivel at that point because of the uncontrollable laughter emanating from the depths within that nearly caused me to drop a nugget in my shorts.

Hindsight tells me that I may have been able to capitalize on this opportunity with Moron-Boy. We all know that the first round playoff game will be held on our home turf, against an inferior opponent. Perhaps with a bit of discussion and maybe a drink or two, I could have gotten Moron-Boy to agree to a straight up wager forgoing the point spread. Maybe, with a little luck, I could have gotten a default win with the possibility of a first round bye still on the table; surely we can’t lose in the first round if we have a bye week. And just think, with Moron-Boy, anything is possible.

All I want for Christmas is some intestinal fortitude, and that first round bye…

Let's Review...

Weekend Reflections:

-Weather conditions against bad teams neutralize nothing. All it does is allow one Jesse Chatman to proclaim, “The boys from San Diego are here!!”
-Cabo is 16 days away.
-Of course Peyton Manning is ready to try to enter the record books against us.
-Joseph Stalin’s name translated to “Man of Steel”, does that make him the original “Superman”?
-There was an asinine proposition by a Bronco fan after their loss this Sunday. More on that later…
-Apparently all members of the Arizona crew made it home blessed by catholic school girls and are relatively unscathed.
-The Rams however were not so lucky.
-Most of the top seeds this weekend were slightly exposed. Except us of course…
-People are dubbing us sleepers…shhh! Don’t tell anyone…
-Victory shots were given a week off to rest for the big game…

More later.

The Dolphins Signed A Whole Bunch Of Chargers To Their Injured Reserve This Season.

Well, well, well. The playoff landscape in the AFC has changed a bit. After a dismal outing by uber Quarterback Tom Brady, the door to bye week bliss has been blasted wide open. Okay, maybe not wide open, but there is a glimmer of light coming through that crack. If the Pats drop another this weekend to the Jets, who I'm sure wouldn't mind clinching in this game so they can rest a couple of their guys, then the winner of the Bolts/Colts football hullabaloo has the fast track to a two week vacation followed by a hometown happy dance in the divisional playoff round. Hoo-ray!

Now I'm not seeing this will be a small feat, by any means. The Colts are...well, they're the Colts. With a near record breaking offense stacked full of enough weapons to warrant a UN inspection, and a defense that has quietly shown up as the season has wore on, this is the ultimate test for a Charger team that has manhandled some pretty awful teams and matched up a little too tightly with the rest of the field. Then there's the Chiefs. Just when you thought we were safe from the Priest, along comes Larry Johnson. He of the 6 TDs and 5.8 yards per carry over the last 6 games. This is the same Larry Johnson that was "a little too soft" for the rest of the league to take any interest in when the Chiefs tried to shop him before the season. Of course, Trent Green always loves to take a crack at us, and who can blame him? We got rid of this guy to hold on to Craig Wheels on Fire. Then, to add injury to insult, we removed him from the greatest show on turf, paving the way for a grocery bagger who will now go down in NFL history as having one of the most profound 3 year quarterbacking spans ever.

These are going to be tough games, but it's exciting to know that they mean so much more today than they did yesterday. I must admit, though, I am kind of looking forward to watching Charger playoff football in Cabo. But it's not about me. It's about the team.

You Spin Me Right Round Like A Record, Baby!!!

I am not ready to get into yesterday's game yet, but I did want to talk about all the record type stuff that's going on right now. First the good. Antonio Gates has tied the Tight End Touchdown record with two games to go. Neither of those games is against teams that would commonly be referred to as defensive powerhouses. I am going to go out on a limb and say Antonio will be the sole owner of that record by season's end. If I am correct, there are going to be a lot of sad ex-Tight Ends out there because last time I was shown this stat (over and over and over again during Sunday's broadcast), the record was being held by something like 20 different people. Way to go, Antonio! You are truly the man of the hour in Boltville.

Now let's talk about that other crappy record thing that's going on. Who in the entire freaking world didn't see this coming? If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, "San Diego sports franchises are the masters of dubious honors!" If you need to break a record, give us a call. We'll be happy to oblige. And thank you for being so patient, Peyton, and saving it for us. You are a douche bag.

So, we get our tight end thing and Peyton get's his QB TD* thing, and the whole world get's to see that the only thing that really matters is the scoreboard, which I will not reveal just yet(I'll give you a hint, though. It's gonna be electric...you know, like a supercharger...get it?).

Well, you'll be hearing from me again, just as soon as my blood get's back to a normal consistency. Then we can talk about why it's never a bad time for hot girls in school girl outfits. For now there is nothing left to say except kudos to me for quoting myself in this post. That is awesome.

The Choices We Make...

Dilemmas surround us each and every day and it is how you handle these dilemmas that define you as a person.

Allow me to explain…

And so it is another day off to the grind of what is the daily life. Feeling particularly hungry this fine but marginally freezing a.m. I opt for some early breakfast. As I obey and follow the single file path to all that is breakfast I am struck by what can only be described as well… how do you say this tactfully? A super hot smokin’ chick. No, really. That is about the only way I could articulate what was before the eyes. Just smokin’ hot. She gathers up her morning treat and begins to walk by, back outside to start what is her version of the grind, when I notice something particularly amazing. She has a noticeable limp. Not some sort of messed up an ankle over the weekend sprain from whatever activities smokin’ hot chicks participate in, but a full blown gimping permanent style disfigurement of one of her limbs. Now, I am for all intents and purposes perplexed. Super smokin’ hot. Limp. Super smokin’ hot. Limp. What the hell kind of uncool trick/conundrum is that? Whatever do you do?

As close as I can figure this is about on par with the Smokin’ hot chick with the not so good from the neck up region that some describe as the “butter syndrome”. Another true conundrum. What is a guy supposed to do in these situations? Do you go for the less than attractive neck up girl or the permanent disfigurement that may or may not allow you handicap access at the mall? I am stumped… and as the Cleveland Browns have proven, they are too.

To say the the Browns have problems is like saying that Ron Artest has anger management issues. Where to begin with this sorry group imitating a football team? I got it, let’s start at maybe the most important part of the football team. The quarterback. It seems as if the browns have the equivalent of my early morning breakfast dilemma at that position.

Jeff Garcia vs. Luke McCown. Whatever do you do here? I am not alluding to this week of course as we know Garcia is playing the role of the limper with the sore knee. So, that makes McCown (Version 2.0) the “butter syndrome” quarterback. It’s the best of a bad situation. This team is going down in flames this week to our football team and nothing is going to stop that shot of a meteor impacting the Charger Charter on the way to Ohio. The future of this team is to what I speak. I guess the question is, “Jeff Garcia, the future?” I don’t really know. On one hand you can say that he has had a better than average career and has performed steadily in the past. On the other, he is 34 and may have shortened his career a bit this year playing and running for his life for that god awful football team in the Dog Pound. And suddenly why am I trying to solve the problems of the Cleveland Browns football team? It’s Cleveland for cryin’ out loud. But, if there was by some grace of an existing entity that might make them inclined to make a move to obtain our rookie has yet to play quarterback, I am all ears. I know that’s a winning the lottery, being attacked by a shark while getting struck by lightning, and tagging Lindsay Lohan all in the same day long shot, but hey, it could happen. I am merely trying to point out that with some hard work and determination there are some deals out there that could be made to make all interested parties happy. That’s all I am tryin’ to say.

That being said, I am off to go buy some quick picks on my way to the beach wearing a chum bucket and chain mail wetsuit. Lindsay, the rest is up to you…

Sorry People. I'm Slipping A Bit.

Short week for me. I’m off to Phoenix tomorrow to watch the Amazing St. Louis Rams play the Titanic Arizona Cardinals on Sunday. Chris Chandler? Oh, you know it’s going to be a barn burner. Thankfully, it’s the afternoon game, so I can pop over to that bar where the waitresses wear school girl outfits and watch the Chargers clinch the AFC West. Life is sweet.

So, this past Sunday we got to see our mighty Bolts topple the surging Bucs to capture their tenth win of the season for the first time since we went to the 49er Bowl. It’s been a long time since those days. We are still getting the requisite amount of disrespect due to the Pats, Steelers and Colts. But the 49ers are God awful and I don’t mind one bit.

The game was a good one, but what can I say that wouldn’t sound redundant. Drew Brees has shown a lot of poise and resilience. LaDainian is destined to be one of the game’s all time great backs. This young offensive line is making a believer out of me. Antonio Gates is so good that teams can not ignore him anymore. Yadda yadda yadda. Well, here’s one I haven’t touched on much, but that I can’t ignore. If Donnie Edwards doesn’t go to the Pro Bowl, you can bet your ass it’s a snub! A few weeks ago he registered 20 tackles in a game. 20!!! I’m not sure Junior ever got 20. Sorry, Junior. This past weekend I believe he added 16 more, not to mention a couple of picks, one of which was of at least some importance. This guy is anchoring this big play defense. That’s right, big play defense! Sure they give up yards, but 17 interceptions say they show up when the situation calls for it. And this is why Indy better look out. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hey Maximum Colossus! You’re looking past this week's game at Cleveland.” That’s true, but I’m not on the team, so I can do that. Also, I believe that even in the snow the San Diego Super Chargers can muster up at least 18 yards of total offense, which should be more than adequate. Anyway, back to the Colts. Yes, they are the highest scoring team in the NFL. By a lot. But we’re second, and that ain’t bad. True their defense can get after a Quarterback. But our line has faced tough challengers in the past. The bottom line becomes, can our big play defense stop their ginormous play offense. My answer: Eventually. Sure they’ll rack up about 500 yards of offense, but I’m thinking we will be pretty close to that. And when it comes down to it, I think ours end with points, and theirs end with more of the same from the likes Donnie, Don of the D and Drayton Florence. We’re running the table here people. Oh great, what am I going to write about next week?

So, this weekend we’re going to beat the brown out of the Browns. My prediction: Chargers 45, Browns 10. See ya next week. Go Bolts!!!

P.S. Hey CJ, Where's your bag?! I'm thinking it might still be shrivelled up into your stomach. I'm off to hire protection now.

The Roundup...

Reflections from the Weekend:

-Fantastic day for football in San Diego.
-That baby story was completely true.
-Apparently, from what I am told, the backseat of my truck is a comfortable bed.
-Guns and Roses got significant airplay this weekend.
-We actually saw a Charger “highstep” his way into the end zone. Can’t remember the last time that happened.
-Insincerity runs rampant at this site.
-I have used up all of my Iowa jokes, and I need more Super Glue.
-A good kick to the groinal area of the shorts will drop most anyone.
-40 lbs. of ice is just enough.
-Certain cab drivers need to have their licenses revoked and perhaps some professional psychiatric assistance administered before they are released in public.

-Cabo is less than one month away.

-I am going to be in Austin, Texas very soon.
-Losing is something my footballing team and I have forgotten how to do.

That is all…

I Have Been A Cad.

I have to say, from the bottom of my heart, that I am truly sorry for my previous post. There is no excuse for the level of pettiness I achieved. It is childish to hurl insults at others, and the least I could do is at least show a little imagination. My partner in this blog deserves better than my sophomoric slings and arrows, and to him I offer my most sincere apology. CJ, it is a pleasure to share this forum with you and I look forward to doing so all the way to the Super Bowl. Even if you do make up lies to cover up your ineptitude.

So Much To Say, So Little Time.

Stop trying to defend yourself, girl.

1-4) You suck.

5) Your Avalanche…doesn’t suck. It’s got friggin’ coolers built into it, for cryin’ out loud!

I think the Chargers are keen.

Why Do I Surround Myself With Incompetence???

All right full of yourself…. Let’s rock:

1) Yes this can be a trap game. Yes, Brian Griese isn’t good. Yes, Michael Clayton is scary, oooooh! I am afraid. Go drown yourself. The only way we lose this one is if the shotgun goes off in our pants. As long as we prepped for this one, Griese will not look good. Remember Denver? He hasn’t been the same since that sweet lateral to us…

2) Backwards? The only sure fire way to beat us is to stop the run first. They will attempt to do that. I would still game plan around the running back and make the Skip beat you. That is how I think they will try to do it, 22nd against the run be damned. That’s why you suck at “fantasy” sports, you are all about the numbers all the time… They should attack our strenghths as we should attack theirs...

3) True. But this time I am cashing in. At exactly 6:12p.m. You calling in sick???

4) Ronnie rules. And when you put the ball on a tee and you scream “Hey, don’t hit this one!!”, what can I do? “That’s barely enough time to retard myself.” I think August and Eric might have just let a little urine slip out into their drawers…

5) Who needs a helicopter when you got an Avalanche?

Yes, Bolts go beating other squads soundly…!!!

Do You Get A Kick Out Of Making Me Rush?

Babies rock! Chicks dig ‘em and it only takes one or two drinks to knock them out for the night. Then you can pop them in the trunk (poke air holes. Seriously) and go back to ogling the jiggly parts of Candy and Star. I think Star really likes me. She’s such a sweet girl. And smart, too. We had a really great conversation in the Champagne Room, and she’s only a few units away from getting her teaching credential. Anyway…

1) Trap Game is something hunters do when they’re too sissified to fire a gun. Boo yah! That was tight, yo. In all seriousness, though, Brian Griese has manhandled the Bolts in the past, and Michael Clayton is emerging as a bit of a stud. And Jurevicious is an awfully kick-ass name. We’re gonna want to go ahead and work some of that big play magic again this week.

2) I think you’re a little backwards here, amigo. The Bucs are 22nd in the league against the run. Not too impressive. They are numero uno versus the pass. That’s a little scarier. God, at least one of us does our research. Go LDT!

3) I doubt that’s the only thing I owe you all shots for.

4) I think we’re actually posting up at the opposite side of the stadium. J-3. Ronnie got the seats and that’s where his buddies are at. Also, looks like we’re not rolling in until about 11:00. Not sure how I feel about that. That’s barely enough time to retard myself. Shut up.

5) I’m waiting to hear from my boss about borrowing the corporate helicopter. If he comes through, you’re in. It’s quite spacious.

Religion also rocks. If you pick the right one you get to drink wine in church and go to Heaven no matter what. Double boo yah! Go Bolts!!!

Oh, There Will Be Football...

And there will be football right after this brief interruption.

Today I saw the lives of three men ruined forever.

Yes, read it again.

Now you may proceed...

I decided after finishing my version of “finals” this week with once again a passing grade that I was heading to the best pizza joint in all of the San Diego area. Conveniently located in “Raidertown” or as I like to call it “Berkley South” the Bronx was firing out the slices and man do they ever do it right. Anyway, as I was charging through my first slice of love, in walks this lady carrying not one, not two, but three infants in identical baby hauling mechanisms. Without a place to stash the goods, she gives me this “I am lost and helpless” look, so I push over a bit and motion that it’s cool to drop her pets in my area. Relieved she sets down the little freshly made creatures and begins her quest for pie and a table.

I, being an uncle, am a bit curious of these tots she is lugging around so I take a good solid stare at the little aliens sitting in their carrying mechanisms. Using my incredible deduction skills, I am able to decipher that they are approximately the same age, weight and model. They also appear to be dressed identically. Logical conclusion equals triplets. I have never seen triplets so I am a bit curious and inquire about their history to mom, “they all yours?” I ask. She gets this horrified look of terror on her face like a pit bull was sniffing her children like raw meat and shoots back, “No! We each have one! Mine is the ‘eldest’ and is 20 days old!” At that moment two more nutbags, I mean moms waltz in to tend to their creatures. Instantly I had two thoughts. Well three. First, if all the critters are the same age, weight and model, and you dress them identically, what do you expect from rookies like me? You can’t get angry; they look exactly the same!! Two, what kind of absolute nutbags plan their pregnancies within a week of one another? I came to find out that the other two were 17 and 14 days old respectively. Who does this? Hey I have an idea, let’s all go ruin our husbands’ lives all in the span of a week, together! Doesn’t that sound like fun? And three, these poor guys are so screwed. But the funniest part is the moms don’t know how they screwed themselves at the same time. Let me explain…

I won’t pretend that I know much about kids or any of that family la la land garbage. But I do know about being friends with parents. And let me tell you… parents occasionally need a break. In guy land, it is known that the guy with the kid can call you up and within five minutes you will be at his house picking him up with road sodas and a plan to surround him with loads of booze and strange female genitalia. It’s true. Now who are these guys going to call? The “In Case of Emergency Break Glass Friend” has a baby that is three days younger than guy #1’s baby. So he automatically reverts to “Super Emergency Backup Kicker Friend”, who by the way, has a baby that is seven days younger than guy #1’s kid. Ummm, guys, listen close here, I can only say this one way and one time only, believe it when I say it,

“I AM SORRY BUT YOUR LIVES ARE OFFICIALLY OVER. FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER. YOU HAVE TURNED IN YOUR MANHOOD!”

These sick depraved broads did the same thing to themselves. Who are they going to lean on when their little poop factories have their wah wah makers pinned at top throttle volume and hubby is curled up in the fetal position in the corner with his thumb in his mouth? You can’t call your girlfriend anymore, cause she can’t hear her phone ringing over her own hairless Chihuahua. These poor, poor bastards…

Now on to the footballing and really quick hits:

1) Trap Game for sure. Tampa is still playing for the playoffs in the handicapped NFC. They are coming to play, and the weather will in fact favor them a bit. But, on the other hand, Brian “When in doubt throw it straight up in the air” Griese is attempting to quarterback the team. Bodes well for us…

2) We are going to have to throw the thing this week I think. Their defense should be able to stop the “Hoss”. Good throws equal victory…

3) Movie reviews suck. Stop it. What do you think this is? You owe us all shots for wasting our time with that garbage…

4) Tailgating is at A3 again. In the bright sunshine…

5) Victory shots coming at 6:12 p.m. with all the parking trap traffic and all.

Have a happy footballing weekend and enjoy work on Monday, I will be taking an extended weekend…

Thank You and Goodnight…oh, if you are a religious sort, pray for those poor bastards as mentioned above...

No Damn Football Today! I Mean It!

That’s right. I’m not going to even touch the subject this week. It’s just getting too hard to come up with new stuff every week. But, never fear, I intend to thoroughly entertain nonetheless by reviewing a couple of movies currently playing at a theatre near you.

Let’s start with the much anticipated sequel to the stylish classic Ocean’s 11. This Time George Clooney is back as Danny Ocean, only this time his sexy wife Tess, played by the luminous Julia Roberts, gets in on the action, making Ocean’s gang an even dozen. Now, I can’t say I’ve actually seen Ocean’s 12. I’ve seen clips, and read other people’s observations, though, and through that I can say with a fair amount of certainty that this send-up is a poor substitute for the original film that beat the ever-loving crap out of the Oakland Raiders in Super Bowl XXXVII. Sure, there are still superstars on the squad. You can’t deny that Brad Pitt and Co. are excellent performers, but 22nd against the run? Are you kidding me? Sure the cast is surprisingly stout against the pass, but you can hardly expect Michael Vick and Aaron Brooks to air it out with much success against the likes of Matt Damon and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Ocean’s 12 has also done a commendable job at pounding out yards on the ground, but I’d like to see them keep it up against the type of stiff holiday season competition they’ll be facing this weekend. Steven Soderbergh would love to prove to the world that he hasn’t lost it and can still helm a blockbuster film as he has done in the past, though I just can’t see how he’ll pull it off without a powerful ending that the audience doesn’t see coming. I know that Ocean’s 12 will do its best to come out strong in a bid to make a theatre run beyond the paltry four weeks this critic is predicting, but it’s going to take a lot more than pretty faces and stylish camera angles. Good luck with Ocean’s 13.

Now on to a movie I know a little bit something about, having seen it on multiple occasions. I’m talking about the latest collaboration between Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar Films, The Incredibles. Wow, I just can’t say enough about this picture. It’s a fresh take on the super hero genre. It focuses on how hard it is for these men and women to lead normal lives, when they are anything but normal. These characters are outstanding. A lot of Hollywood insiders were skeptical about how this movie would perform, and I have to admit that I was among the naysayers. Pixar and Disney had never worked with these kinds of characters before. In the past it was all about monsters and misfits. This time the studios decided to go with real human beings with heart and emotion. I’ll tell you what. It works. It works big time. The characters interact so smoothly with one another that it’s no wonder they are among the best in film at stopping the run, protecting the ball, and scoring in the red zone. Sure, the box office receipts have dropped over the last few weeks, but I expect a big turn around this weekend, and when all is said and done, Mr. Incredible and family will move the chains and clobber the competition. I have to admit, though, I’m a little worried about facing Lemony Snicket in a couple of weeks. Jim Carrey can really bring in the crowds, and Marvin Harrison is the best receiver in the league.