Monday, October 19, 2009

Oh Aspirations...


I wish I could say that this post has all kinds of thought and thoroughly researched analysis behind the words with which it is composed. There is none. What this is amounts to pure emotional, reactionary and probably poorly executed grammar.

So what happened you ask? You were either there or you watched. You watched yet another mark tallied in the loss column for this squad. However, this one, albeit the same result with some tendencies that could be described as typical was in fact different. This one had the feeling of a team that was completely outmatched and the result was one that should have been expected.

One can point to the fact that we were in the game, dare I say even dominating the first half, should one ignore the fact that the special teams completely blew all semblance of assignments much like a Tijuana hooker during fleet week. One can also completely ignore the fact that our red zone woes continued with the continuing insistence of Norv to shock the world by running Darren Sproles up the middle on third down from inside the five yard line. An obviously perturbed LTD stomped away from the crowd on the sideline disgruntled to some degree, and while he did so, all I could think was, perhaps if you weren't injured all the time, and consistently taking yourself out of the game, those carries, or opportunities might be yours. I was then disappointed in myself for chastising the best running back our franchise has ever known. It is most certainly not his fault.

Despite the poor play of the special teams, yeah, the ones that gave up a 70+ yard punt return and a 90+ yard kickoff return (unfortunately predicted by yours truly, my bad) there was one constant that completely irked me to no end. It wasn't the three man rush that consistently allowed Kyle Orton to dismantle our obviously flawed defense, but the ever present lack of urgency or confidence in the play calling. The offensive management is a complete disaster. It appears that there is a game plan, from which the coordinator deviates rarely, that is pure scripted nonsense. The "plan" (very recklessly throwing that word around) is unsound, and ineffective. Good coordinators, hell, serviceable coordinators make adjustments during the course of the game in order to capitalize on the tendencies of the defense. Our coordinator's system, banging his head against the wall until a hole through it is punched. Unfortunately, rarely does that hole materialize, and all we are left with is a giant headache. Sorry to say that the only consistencies by this squad are of the negative variety.

I'm not pinning this loss wholly on the coaches. Yes, they are still fuckwits who make the same mistakes weekly, that opposing teams pinpoint on tape and then exploit on our faces all over national television. Nope, I also realized that our personnel is significantly suspect. The player talent is not there. This "deep" team, this team that has been repeatedly defined as having the "most talent" is a total fucking lie. Adjustments and scheming be damned. Sometimes bad football is played by sub fucking par players. Save your injury talk, this team was billed as deep. Save your poor scheming talk, this team is both mentally and physically deficient.

This used to be fun. Watching and writing about this team used to be a joy. Even in the less than stellar times, there were always a few bad puns or unfunny rape jokes to bring the smile to the faces. Now it's about game recaps of a badly coached team playing badly executed games. Many will tell you this team is underachieving, which is like saying Jesus' lawyer underachieved.

Can the squad pull yet another year long miracle from their bowels? I would think not. The division we won in August is all but lost, so we are left with what will be a significant challenge for the wild card playoff entry, an entry that we have already dropped tiebreaker games to two other participants. So, buckle up optimists, it's going to be a bastard fuck all ride for the next eleven games.

MNFF!!!

Monday Night Fucking Football, bitches! If you've seen me lately, you've seen a lot of doom and gloom, but it's time to put it away and focus at the game at hand. Here are four things I want to see tonight.

1) Manumaleuna lined up at fullback. It's time to give the O-line some help blowing open some lanes for this running game. I know our idiot coach loves to run as many receivers as he has out there on every play, but it's time to balance out this offense and get it going early; You know, before everybody drops back into prevent and allows us to pad the stats in a valiant comeback that falls short.

2) Blitzes. Run blitzes, zone blitzes whatever. Let's get to the QB before he gets a chance to exploit our secondary. We're out there with one less veteran in the secondary, for better or for worse, let's give those guys some help. I'm looking at you, Ron Rivera!!!

3) A little bit of good ole fashioned trickery. When was the last time we ran a halfback option? Why did we stop doing that? If we establish any kind of run whatsoever, I want a God damn flea flicker! BTW, I will take cash bets that we go deep on the first play from scrimmage. That's as crazy as it gets with Norv.

4) Boobs. I would like to see some boobs. Pretty much all the time boobs are a good idea.

This game is the season, do not fool yourself! Let's get this thing done! Go Bolts!!!

Update: Let em add one more thing that I forgot to the list of things I want to see tonight:

5) Fineable hits! Let's tear some fucking heads off early and make 'em think about it!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Wait, What?

I've long since been a critic of one local beat writer, the Mr. Nick Canepa. Today is probably the most egregious display of his excuse pandering on behalf of the inappropriately moniker-ed "Godfather". As much as I hate to do it, and really, I'm truly fucking beginning to hate having to break this shit down repeatedly to prove how silly these people are, this is fucking atrocious. I'll pull the most obvious fucking fabrications for your perusal...

First, as always, the title...

Chargers' real problems aren't Norv or A.J.

Ah, yes. Nick must have gotten his weekly dressing down from the Godfather sometime late Monday afternoon. And off we go...

The Chargers, now expected by torch-toting angry villagers to be the Packers of the '60s, the Steelers of the '70s, the 49ers of the '80s, the Cowboys of the '90s and the Patriots of the 2000s, are sitting in a pot of water in this town, and it isn't lukewarm. Some anger is justified, but most of it is founded on emotion and the hatchet-thinking that every defeat calls for a Spanish Inquisition.

This is the same man that wrote earlier this season that he was not afraid to declare the Chargers his Super Bowl favorite this season. Conveniently, his archives are not the easiest to navigate to pull that gem for your enjoyment. Believe me it exists, when I find it, you will all be notified via skywriting. Far be it from the fans to believe and want what has been repeatedly been reported about this team, by you Mr. Canepa. Now we're torch toting angry villagers demanding Super Bowls and cures for cancer.

The coach

Norv Turner could go unbeaten, win the Super Bowl, pull people out of burning buildings and find a cure for cancer and the villagers still would drag out the guillotine. I wonder if he can win here – even if he wins. Like Marty Schottenheimer, Norv may not be popular until fans can't stand his replacement.

Hi, rhetoric? Meet hyperbole. I like to think that is was public outcry that gave A.J., excuse me, The Godfather, the shelter from the storm he needed to fire a largely successful coach with which he had very public feuds. What A.J. wanted and what Marty certainly was not, was a captain for his custom built Super Bowl ship that Marty continually slammed into the rocks like a drunken sailor. A.J., installing his puppet yes man fully expected that nothing would change. Low and behold, Norv's well deserved reputation for being a football fucking monkey team destructor has fully been realized. A self fulfilling prophecy if you will when your record as a head coach is fucking awful and continues to be so.

Turner isn't perfect, but look around. Most of Norv's contemporaries better be able to swim if they plan to walk on water. He's 2-2, folks. It's October. I got an email the other day saying Bill Callahan should be the next Chargers coach. Sigh. That's what I'm up against.

I love the ability of this guy to gloss over the two and two record as if it's no big deal. It's October! Pay no mind that the undefeated division leader is coming to town at 5-0. The email quote is quite precious to me. Nick, I get tons of fucking stupid emails every day. The difference is, I don't use them to support and invalid point when they are fucking inexplicably fucking stupid. Moving on...

But, remember what it was like before he took over. I know it isn't easy, but don't write me saying the late John Butler built this team. It's Smith's club, almost 100 percent. His players have won three straight division titles, four of the last five. So he's a tough guy. So he has an ego. You can't be good at what you do if you think you stink.

I wonder what kind of knee pads Nick uses when he drops to his knees each Monday afternoon for The Godfather's daily fellating. You're right, this is Smith's club, he needs to take some fucking responsibility for this shitshow. Three straight division titles are grand, particularly when the division was about as competitive as the 3rd grade Hopscotch Championships. Our 2008 Division Title came courtesy of Denver's historic choke job. Seeing how most of these writers up to and including you Mr. Canepa, not only had us penciled in for the division but the Super Bowl, you can fuck yourself if you think I'm buying this A.J. apologist thing you are working on here.

It's not the coaches fault they can't run the ball? Ummm, yeah, to some degree it fucking is. When you've run the ball through four games for 215 yards and 12 first downs you've got a fucking philosophy problem. When you run the ball off tackle on first down for the entirety of the first half of each game, you don't fool anyone. When you choose to run it up the middle off tackle on fourth down in a game winning situation against Baltimore and you fail, it's certainly on the fucking coaches. When the murderer from said Baltimore team posing as a linebacker vocalizes that they saw that play all game and on fucking tape in the week leading up to the game, you've got a fucking coaching problem. When you run the ball for fucking 16 yards against the Steelers, you've got a fucking coaching problem. I say that all adds up to some fucking coaching issues Nick. Coaching issues that can't be ignored. Don't be so fucking myopic.

Sweet fucking Christ, I thought that would make me feel better. But I assure you it did not. Just remember how the media, namely the Nick Canepa's and the A.J. Smith's of the world view the fans of this squad. It's all right there in the article. We are hayseed fuckwits in their eyes and have no business criticizing the masterpiece that has been assembled here. So shut your fucking mouths you football ignorant asshole and worship at the altar of what is football in San Diego.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Bad News, Ladies!

Allow me to paraphrase Colin Cowherd on the radio this morning: If you don't think coaching matters in the NFL take a look at the Chargers of San Diego and take a look at the Broncos of Denver. Now, Cowherd is a nearly insufferable blowhard, but I think we can all agree that he hit the nail on the head there.

Denver won. Against the Patriots. Who may not be as good as they've been recently, but are still pretty good. Now Denver is 5-0, and I hate to say it, but they have a solid shot at 6-0. I guess the San Diego Padres Management Model of being the least terrible team in a division of God awful teams might not work for the Chargers this year. But hey, look at the way the Pads adapted when it stopped working for them. Oh, right. Abandon ship! No one will blame you, honest. I'm ordering my Vikings Favre jersey as we speak.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Friday, October 09, 2009

Something.

I don't really have anything to say. I'm still pretty mad in regards to the Chargers. It's the bye, so it will be difficult for them to further anger me (knocks on wood furiously until knuckles bleed). Anyway, if you want to read something, go check out Acee's in depth article about the 10 minute players only meeting the Chargers had before their three day weekend. 10 minutes? That should do it. Stupid football team.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED!!!

Kevin Acee, largely of the A.J. Smith fellatio contingency has done it again. Today's article is an awesome display of what a short leash the Godfather keeps his ball gag wearing gimps at the end of. In what is a solid display of taking that hard line stance and softening the public outcry against said Godfather, Mr. Acee's skills are on display.

A couple of passages for your review, first, the title of said article:

Defense on notice: Jobs are on the line
Coordinator Ron Rivera challenges his squad after ragged performance in Pittsburgh


Then, the first passage:

"Whether Chargers defensive coordinator Ron Rivera explicitly said so or not, there is a feeling within the defense that jobs are up for grabs."

You hear me? JOBS are on the line! JOBS I tell you! I totally just made that jobs are on the line thing up! Of course, you know, they're not. Just maybe jobs are on the line. I'm not saying they are but they might be so go sleep on that you lazy defenders!

Then Kevin tries to slip this one past me:

"Chargers General Manager A.J. Smith would not comment Wednesday, but he is spending time on the phone with other general managers. Smith has a history of adding high-profile help where his team needs it at the deadline."

Really? He has that reputation and history? What high profile help have we added at the trade deadline? Max, can you help me here? I thought our whole model was based on mimicking Lord Belichick's low profile, inexpensive easy to replace team player mold. Not bringing in the high profile me first type difference maker. Color me confused.

And, as I sit here, ESPN is reporting that we are now exploring dealing Merriman as he only has one year left on his deal and he is a terrible malcontent and an obviously declining player. Fuck me running with awesome.

When interviewed at the bank yesterday in line to cash his paycheck Shaun Phillips had this to say:

“Each of us has to worry about ourselves, We can't worry about the next man.”

Shaun, stop endorsing that check for a moment and have a listen. If you perhaps didn't worry about the next man, but actually communicated with that man next to you on the field, perhaps you all wouldn't be running around stepping on your dicks while Pittsburgh running backs dominate your face. Just a thought...geez, you'd think this guy would get it figured out at some point. But hey, he's not a declining player yet so his job is totally secure. Unless Kevin Acee implies via made up quotes that Ron Rivera sent him that message via mental telepathy that it might be in jeopardy without actually saying it.

Thanks Mr. Bye Week for allowing us to continue the suck for two prolonged weeks. And by thanks I mean fuck you... I can't wait to be a Vikings fan.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

You Know It's Bad...

...when Little Nicky Canepa has me nodding my head in vigorous agreement. Here's Canepa's first "quarterly" report on the Chargers and even AJ isn't making excuses. In fact, you know AJ's pissed because he let Nicky go to print with this. That's some real fire and brimstone shit, and he even called out Ron Rivera's sissy ass defensive playcalling, which I love Love LOVE! That guy got way too much credit for simply yelling at his players Sunday night. How about an adjustment or two to go along with all that machismo, Ron? I'm starting to think the Defensive Coordinator's office is haunted by the Ghosts of Failures Past.

"Why Johnny Ringo, you look like someone just walked over your grave."

Seriously, has any fanbase ever before been heard to say, "We've got to figure out a way to get Wade Phillips back in here."?

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

This Guy Says It All...

...and more. Get out of my brain, Officer Parkman from the stupidest show on TV! This Jay Paris character obviously does not work for the UT, and I will be following his work going forward.

Monday, October 05, 2009

I Don't Really Have Anything To Say...

...but this guy says it all. It'll be interesting to see what the super fans at my work have to say. Maybe if it's good I'll post some of it. I didn't watch the second half last night so I didn't see the "spirited comeback" we attempted, but I was pleasantly surprised to see that Gates got me 24 fantasy points and gave me a pretty good shot at winning my game this week. So...I got that going for me.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Fine, Here It Is.

Junior Seau getting trucked by a bull.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Scouting Report...

Since I've done no real scouting for what we'll affectionately call "Steeler Week", I'll merely be making one up. And seeing as how the local rag just wants to suck start the iron fires at the vacant dilapidated steel mills doesn't mean I want to.

Injury Report


In this breaking news you'll only get here, Jamal Williams had a sandwich today. He's still out for the season.

Tomlinson isn't planning on playing and Norvy won't tell us whether he's planning on playing the not planning on playing maybe playing oft injured running back. Word is he's walking without a limp. Have you seen him walk? How do you know then?

Merriman is still hampered by a "strained groin" that limited him to two snaps on Sunday against Miami. He says he's feeling a lot better than last week. I've been told on good authority that "strained groin" is code for the receptionist at Planned Parenthood to write the "Gonorrhea" in the symptoms box of the anonymous form. The Tequila broad did get her vengeance after all.

Meanwhile, there has been a new development in the status of the running game. Norv has updated the running game to "Wounded Giraffe". Which I can only see as a positive.

And finally, we only need to sell 1,550 seats by the Thursday evening 5 p.m. deadline to avoid the blackout this week.

Monday, September 28, 2009

What A Pleasant Surprise.

Now we've beaten two horrible teams and hung in there with one possibly really good team. So, I don't know what that means, feel free to help me out.

Rivers continues to impress, and that should keep us in games all year. Everything else looked better than I could have hoped for yesterday. My optimism level has been raised to fuscia.

Will the Dolphins will make history again by having the worst collapse after having the greatest rise the year before? I don't know for sure, but I can say with confidence that, yes, that is totally going to happen.

The Steelers are going to be pissed next week and we never beat them at home. Thanks, Cincy. My optimism level has now dropped to mauve.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Actual Conversations I've had...

This may or may not be a new bit around here, but lately I've exchanged emails and words with many a folk about the footballing squad and heard quite the incredible analysis of our team. In no way should these conversations not be shared with the masses, yep, all six of our readers. I hope you enjoy.

The first of the installment happened last night with none other than this site's other wordsmith, Max Colossus.

Me: So we need to have a serious talk.

Max: What about?

Me: You know. A little thing like tomorrrow's game.

Max: What about it?

Me: Well, are we going to win?

Max: Uh, hell fucking no. No. No. We're not going to win.

Me: (Uncontrollably lauging) Why not? (Tears and snot running down my face)

Max: Well, first, Miami's PISSED! The did everything to win that game last week, controlling the ball for 46 minutes and running it for like 1000 yards. We're fucked. They're PISSED!!!!


Now, in that statement there isn't much I can disagree with. Except the fact that I think we're PISSED too. I think that our PISSED totally fucking dominates their PISSED. That and they showed this tremendous gaplike vagina defense, much like ourselves, that allowed Pey Pey to exploit their secondary to the degree that 14 minutes of offensive possession was more than enough to rape the Dolphins. And you know how dolphins love the rape. So, as long as Ol' Norvy doesn't go out and step on his dick again, Philip The Laserfaced should double his season high 436 yards passing from last week. That, and we've never won time of possession as a stat cause we fry time outs like convicts, and we are fairly awful at the third down play calling in all but the last two minutes of each half, last week notwithstanding. That being said, this is me being not concerned about the Miami Dolphins.

Bolts 37 Dolphins 36. Ya heard?

Friday, September 25, 2009

Acee Doesn't Ask, Doesn't Want To Be Told

Here's today's depthless article on the Chargers running game or something, I can't really tell what the fuck the point is, but I love this part, where Discredit to the Profession of Coaching Norvelle Turner addresses the Michael Bennett issue:

After Bennett carried just four times to Sproles' 10 in Sunday's loss to Baltimore, Turner said he would have liked to use Bennett more. But it's not because he thinks he has to.

When Acee goes on to ask Turner why he didn't use Bennett more as he says he would have liked to, Turner says-oh wait, Turner said nothing. Because he wasn't asked. Apparently, Acee was cool with that completely vague and noncommital statement. So let me help:

Norv, why didn't Bennet get more carries on Sunday?

Norv: Uh, well, uh, because..uh...

He was hit by a bus at the half.
Shawne Merriman raped him in an attempt to get his mojo back.
I have a vagina.
We try to have one talented, underutilized back every year, in case you haven't been paying attention.
What's that over there?!
People in England only have one spoon.
AJ told me not to use him.
He developed Super Aids.
Mongoose.
We're not as good as you all thought we were.

Fair enough Norv, fair enough. Feel free to share your own possible reasons in the comments.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Not So Fast Tim...

Oh how the waffling begins. My problem with this article lies with the basis that you can't assume "what if" scenarios would have been successful. All of us "amateur analysts" that are still at threat level orange about the 3rd down play before halftime are just silly uneducated "amateurs" for thinking that we may have scored a touchdown in that situation. Obviously, for Norv, he believed that a sack in that situation was far more likely to occur (conveniently a "what if" scenario), without the use of statistics or fucking science for that matter, so he kicked a meaningless field goal. On third down. With ten seconds to go. From the fucking six yard line. SHITFUCKASS!!!

Now, there is no matter of fact way to prove that we would have scored a touchdown in that situation with any level of certainty. Conversely, there is no statistical evidence, or "what if" scenario the other way that it was far more likely Rivers would have been sacked on the play. The crux of the situation, and why it was such a fucktastic disaster was the coach, freely dropping his pants, placing a death grip on his ankles bent over facing Harbaugh on the opposite sidelines and screamed, "YOU WIN MASTER, TAKE ME AS YOU MAY AND PREFERABLY FORGO THE LUBRICANT AS YOU ASS PLUNDER MY NETHERREGIONS!".

The message sent was twofold, A) We can't beat you supreme being Baltimore Ravens, and B) Chargers, we're going to the locker room losing by three less points cause I know you don't have the testicular fortitude to get into the end zone. That is a very valuable lesson to send the squad there Coach. And by coach I mean porcupine fucker.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It's Not Just Norv...

...It's you and me and the players and the media too. Norv Turner is already being crucified for the following statement and I'm not above piling on:

“I don’t think right now we’re as good as the people who cover us think we are or expect us to be,” Turner said Monday. “I don’t think we’re as good as our fans want us to be.”

So, there you have it. You expected too much. The media believed in the team AJ and Norv had put together and sold that Koolaid to the rest of us. We went 14-2 with all our core young players locked up just a few short years ago, but despite Norv's best efforts the team was somehow on a downswing and this is where we are now. Have you ever heard the expression, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it?" Norv hasn't.

Way to try and drag the fans and the organization down with you, you worthless excuse for a football coach. And what do you suppose AJ's gonna say when he sees that you try to load up on the local media. Don't you know AJ runs the local media? God, you really are fucking retarded! Hopefully, this will finally get you run you cock slobbering gimp!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Glorious.

Coach rankings for week 2, according to the fans.

This Is Why...

This was posted by a guy I work with regarding yesterday's game, and it is totally why nobody respects Chargers fans:

I think Norv is taking way too much hate for this loss....Maybe I didn't like that last call on the 4th down (but I ain't having an I hate Norv meltdown over it)...but kicking the FG at the end of the first half I got no issue with.

Ravens are tough and we did some amazing things against them offensively. Our redzone issues not scoring TD's I feel are too be expected against a good D like the Ravens with the personnel we currently have healthy...part of the reason you kick that FG on third down.

And hey...in the AFC we just have to catch the Broncos, Ravens, and Jets (maybe the Colts) the only 2-0 teams in the conference.


If you are defending Norv Turner at this point in his career as a head coach, then you have an NFL I.Q. of, I don't know, 4 year old girl? And if you don't have a problem with that field goal, you deserve a punch in the groin. CJ, feel free to color that up a bit in the comments.

One More Quick Question?

Michael Bennett averaged 4.8 YPC on the 4 carries they gave him. 4. Sproles carried 10 times for an average of 2.6. Not an every down back. An explosive playmaker to be sure, but if you want to establish the running game, you might want to give your actual RB more than 4 carries.

Good News, Bad News

Let's start with the bad news. Let's get that out of the way:


Our coach, who was not good to begin with, is regressing. that's the only way to put it. His inability to make solid decisions in the clutch is just too much for our team to overcome. Now, people like Kevin Acee-and I know he'll do this- can say that Norv deserves credit for having us in a game like that after suffering a plethora of big injuries in the opener. But that's just the problem; If you're in a game like that, against a good team, and you've lost your starting RB and your Pro bowl NT, you have to win that game. You can't pussyfoot around with "safe points" at the end of the first half. Some message to send to your guys, Norv. "I'd just feel more comfortable if I didn't give you guys a chance to screw up here. Field goal unit!" You can't make assinine calls to end the game either. We must have two dozen plays with a better chance of picking up two yards there! Our QB threw for, like a thousand yards yesterday, why would you take the game out of his hands there? Norv apologists are going to say that nobody had a problem with that play last week when it got us the go ahead TD against the Raiders. Too bad that if it hadn't worked there last week we could have tried something else on the next down. Too bad the Ravens apparently watch tape. A beat up team can't lose that game at home and expect to be much of a threat to anybody going forward.

The good news:

After that heart breaker, you can be sure that you won't get to watch next week's home game unless you actually go to the game. And why would you do that?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

It's Fire Season...

I just witnessed our coach kick a field goal on third down with ten seconds left on the clock from the six yard line. That is the kind of move that got Kevin Gilbride fired. Kevin Gilbride was better than Norv Turner. Yep. I said it. I've never seen ridiculousness like that and although I have an extensive vocabulary of swear words, I don't have one that encapsulates my current feeling. Aids cunt almost works...

Friday, September 18, 2009

No Blackout, No LT

I went ahead and snatched up the remaining tix so the blackout is no go. Next up, Miami on the 27th. 4,000 seats available. That's getting a bit rich for my blood. We better win this week.

LT has been scratched from the line-up against the Ravens on Sunday as a precautionary measure, and AJ Smith is probably steaming right now. You have no idea how badly he wanted to run LT out of town a hold on to Turner a couple of years back, but this town would have crucified him if he had done it. Now those same fans are wildly pointing their fingers at Turner's performance in Atlanta and saying they "had a feeling" all along. These are the same fans who claim they don't get upset about questionable calls when the league claims the refs interpreted the rule correctly...even when they didn't. Every year I understand more why people from out of town hate Chargers fans.

DE-FENCE (I-I-I-I <--- Fence symbol here)...

I only have one problem with this reactionary column interview schpiel with Ron Rivera. Well two, but I won't be so nitpicky. He totally justifies our lack of pressure on the Raiders Faterback, and blithely compliments our coverage schemes, and really high coat glosses over the "coverage" that allowed for a touchdown on a late fourth quarter fourth and forever desperation touchdown play. As well as the touchdown/non touchdown play (hey, no touchdown equals good coverage). I wish he'd mention the tight end numbers that Zach Miller put up, obviously that wasn't a coverage issue.

Well that About Seals the Super Bowl...

ESP anyone?

Fucking mind readers on this team...

Thursday, September 17, 2009

No Blackout!!!...Yet.

24 hour extension to sell those last 1,100 tix. Doesn't seem like much, huh? That's only, like $100,000 worth of tix. I got this round, who wants to pick it up next time?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

What's Old is New...

It was finally here! Opening day! Yay!!! I'd survived the offseason yet again without sustaining any long term damage from the self induced coma that comes with a severe lack of footballing. I even sprung for a new t-shirt to drape over my sorry carcass for this 2009 Opening Day.

I read and read and read the experts during the lead up to this glorious day. We're going to the Super Bowl! We're gonna win the Super Bowl! We've got Shawne Merriman back and who cares if he chokes marginally attractive D-List reality television "starz" when everyone is drunk threesoming a week before the season opener. WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL! Nick Canepa said so!!!

Here we are a day later, and you know what I saw? I didn't see any super bowl contender, that's for certain. The team looked slightly more energetic than Patrick Swayze, but the most glaring observation I can make is that nothing had changed. Not to beat a dead horse, but the paid columnists in this town did everything short of anointing this team champs before training camp broke. Not going to get off to a slow start this year, a rejuvenated running back in L.T.D. playing with a serious chip on his shoulder. A whole new attitude. Blah, blah, blah, what a bunch of horseshit.

Nothing had changed. Not a damned thing. Save maybe the run defense that in the first half looked far worse than it did last year. There was truly a lack of leadership, as was prevalent all of the last season as well. A lack of execution, with turnovers and penalties occurring with far more frequency than they should. And again, a lack of creativity, a lack of desire, another fucking bland vanilla incarnation of a Norv Turner coached football team. Hurray! I won't even go into the fucking waiting room at the infirmary right now either. We're not built to sustain injuries despite how many times the Godfather sold us on this team's depth.

So I continue to beat the same dead Alpo chuck found behind the Del Mar Turf Club. After one viewing of this squad, it's a bad clone of last year's 8-8 shiny turd. And no matter how much you polish those turds, they still stink like shit. Color me unimpressed and a bit disappointed. I'm glad I have that inner skeptic in me that didn't recognize the Super Bowl quality of this squad thus tempering my expectations. I know, it's only week one, and we're rusty and whatever the fuck else kind of excuse you want to use to make yourself feel like this is again our year. I'm going to require a bit more proof than blind fucking optimism yet one more time. I'd rather go outside and fucking throw rocks at my treasured wasps nest than pretend like that was any fucking fun at all.


And you know what else? No fucking hot cheerleader pictures until this team acts like they deserve them. Instead, a girl that I think they deserve...

A Win Is A Win?

How confident is everybody feeling this morning? I really hope you can chaulk that game up to first game, National stage, on the road jitters. And I really hope those line injuries aren't nearly as bad as they looked, because the next three teams we face are even more physical than the Raiders and they are unlikely to make the same mistakes on offense the Raiders made to keep us alive last night. On that note, if any of you were happy with that overturned Raider TD, I hope you never once made a disparaging remark about Ed Hochuli. That was a TD, plain and simple. The Patriots won their Monday Night opener on a nearly identical kind of catch by Ben Watson and it took review officials about 10 seconds to uphold the call. We shouldn't have needed that call to win that game.

The pass rush is still missing. In case you didn't see that. Just pointing it out. I will give slight praise to the D for clamping down on the run for the most part in the second half, which I believe is the only thing that ultimately saved us.

I was a little surprised that our superstar receiving core was so thoroughly handled by man coverage last night, too. Norv loves to force the offense through the receivers as much as possible, but it wasn't until Rivers rediscovered Gates late in the game that we were able to efficiently move the chains. I imagine Gates was open in that coverage a lot more often than that. But Jackson will be a top five receiver this year. Norv Turner said so.

On the radio this morning it was reported that LT sprained his ankle last night and that is why he was on the sideline last night for much of the second half. But I'm sure he'll bounce right back and put up another record season like you all promised me he would. I can't wait. In the meantime, Sproles continues to be a little spark plug but he can not carry the ball a full load if we are going to make any noise this year. He just can't.

Ugly, ugly win against a team that I guarantee you is not nearly as good as they looked last night. But a win is a win, I guess, and there's no reason to slit our wrists so early in the season. Go Bolts...

Monday, September 14, 2009

And There You Go.

Football is back for real. None of this Thursday night primer bullshit, that there was a full slate of games. And what games they were. Let's take a look:

Kyle Orton...what can you say about Kyle Orton other than he's a guy who-with some help from God...real God and not som e crazy bearded Nordic specialist God-gets things done. Wow. Like it or not, the Donks are on pace for a perfect season.

Jake DelHomme. Really? Jake DelHomme is Mark Brunell. Better go get a back-up job somewhere Jake, so you can start rebuilding your credibility.

Drew Brees hates his running backs. So, if Philip Rivers sucked how many times a week do you think that AJ would call Drew Brees' cell phone and not say anything just to hear his voice?

At the end of the day it's a win, but you gotta wonder about Baltimore. But man, can the eyebrow throw the ball. And you gotta wonder if Matt Cassell is really the best QB in KC.

Kurt Warner looked like an old man.

Brett Favre deploys a mean hand off to the gut. Might he really be ready to take a secondary offensive role. Cleveland...sucks. I mean, really sucks.

I hope you want to hear a lot about Donovan McNabb and Mike Vick this week. Cause you're gonna.

And last but certainly not least, Jay Cutler. If the last 3 minutes of that game hadn't been a Fantasy Football nut punch for me, I think it would have been my favorite of all. 4 picks. Muy fantastico! But don't worry Jay, Peter King still has the Bears ranked 6th. Seriously. Sorry, though, you're not on his MVP watch. Yet.

And now for tonight. As one who believes Shawne Meeriman probably did choke that annoying little reality ho, I say fine as long as he was practicing for this game. Just kidding, it's never okay to choke a bitch. Unless she's some crazy evil mutant henchwoman with like metal claws and whatnot. In that case, choke away. Let's hope the Bolts do not 'choke away' tonight. Go Bolts!!!

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

God Dammit.

Dear Shawne,

With all due respect, what the fuck is the matter with you? Tila Tequila? Really? This story disturbs me on such a level I'm not sure I can accuratley portray my disappointment in words. Does she have magic between her legs or something man? You are a professional football player, you'd think that with all the Tom Brady envy going on around the league, that you guys would all be copycat kitten slayers and seek out even the ugliest supermodels, instead of this attention sucking troll. Please get it together Mr. Merriman, cause this article makes it sound like you are well on your way to arrest...You know what that means don't you? It means the Godfather turns you into a 3rd round pick. I hope she was worth it.

Sincerely,

CJ

A Sea of Bad Puns...

I've torched and put T.J. Simers on blast around these parts at times in the past. So why should today be any different. I'm sometimes astounded as to how some of these people keep jobs. Anyone, and I mean anyone up to and including myself can make bad puns about sports current events and call it a column while waiting for my direct deposit to go through...go ahead and read the drivel here...

Link so ungloriously provided by these guys.

Friday, September 04, 2009

And that's a Sweet How Do You Do...

So, Kommisar Goodell, to borrow the phrase from these guys is encouraging the Chargers Brass to consider a remodel of the old Murph. Fabiani, a LAWYER, says not feasible, hasn't been feasible and won't be feasilbe. As always, the alternate proposal is to rebuild on the current Mission Valley site. This is also met with trepidation by the LAWYER, stating that "that won't allow for development.". And so, there's the rub. They don't just want a new stadium to equalize the competitive imbalance, they want development like John Moores got prior to kamikazi bombing the team into the newly paved ground, but hey, with new vacant high rise condos no one can afford hurray!!! Read the whole crapshot here.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Tugging the Heart Strings of a Dictator...

I think this sums up my feelings about the blackout situation. Word on the street is 10-12 cities will be facing blackouts this year. Not quite sure if you've heard, this is sort of hush hush information, but the economy has hit a bit of a rough spot as of late. I know. Hard to believe.

The last time I can remember a blackout was a Titans game I spent the better part of a Sunday afternoon watching the ticker on the bottom of the screen of another game I cared little if anything about. Do I think Goodell is going to relax the rules? Shit and no. But, maybe more of these types of articles will get the ball rolling and perhaps force his hand a little. Come on Media!!! Make yourself not only relevant but useful again!!!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Laughter is the Best Medicine...

Whoever said that obviously never had any percocet and budweiser. I kid. Anyway, in the interest of fairness we present the other side of the coin. Don't get used to it shitpony fans...

And seriously, read the comments, some are not only funny but true!!!!! Of course, they are made by total fuckfaces but still...

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Chargers vs. Giants?

Not sure if you guys saw this info.

I don't really believe in Jinxes, so I'm ok with it. I just hope that that thought process doesn't sink in too much with the players. Seems like they are all chanting the "one game at a time" mantra, along with the "we have to get off to a fast start" but hopefully they believe it and keep their blinders on.

Nice to get some respect though, I guess! And yes, it would be a fun matchup.

Monday, August 31, 2009

L.T. is old, Get it?

I've read sillier things than this article, but pointing out the obvious can only take you so far. Read the piece and decide for yourself.

Just in case you feel like forgoing the link, I'll sum up the article thusly (and yes I'm using fancypants words like "thusly" to look and sound infinitely smarter than I am):

* L.T. is old, 30 in fact
* L.T. is mad and has Mr. Chip on his shoulder
* L.T. is healthy, something he has not been for the better part of two years
* L.T. is ready to show us he's not a player in decline
* L.T. is slower at 30 than he was at 25, so are all 30 year old running backs
* L.T. is poised to have a big year, but don't be surprised if he doesn't

Anyway, that's the gist of it, and in hindsight, it's a poorly written article with no point whatsoever, but it's football related and I need every football fix I can get right now. Season begins in less than two weeks. Think about that for a minute and try to contain yourselves...

Friday, August 28, 2009

Stirring the Shit Pot...

I'm apologizing in advance for posting this, but that's merely an advanced apology for nothing as I am taking wonderful delight in the demise of the shit ponies. Had I the ability to type out uncontrollable mocking, sarcastic laughter, I would do that here, but I'm far to mature an adult for that...heh.

Experimental Thoughts....

As you all may know, I'm all for the footballing. Love the game, love it on the t.v., in person, even though it costs roughly the equivalent of the GDP of Brazil to attend at the Murph anymore (thanks Spanos'!!) but I'm a bit torn on this

While part of me wants to cram as much footballing into my life as possible, the other part would desire that when I'm screaming obscenities at the television, it's in the form of relevant starter on starter football and not meaningless week 18 fodder of playoff bound practice squadders fighting for contracts in the following year against the 0-17 Lions... Football yes, meaningless games that players are faking injuries during for their self preservation? No thanks. Well, not unless there are ample wings and beers, then by all means...

It's Sort Of AFC West News

Okay, the only reason I'm actually linking this is for the reference to the AT&T Rollover Minutes MILF. Totally.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

WOW! An Interview for the Ages...

Not really, more like a pre-season suck-off with ol' Laserface himself...

You can see more of Marmalard here.

AJ Is Not Worried...

...about his offensive line's inability to do offensive line stuff. Between him, Nicky and me that makes one of us.

And Nicky blows his one column a year that doesn't give me neck sprain before the regular season starts? That's poor clock management, my friend.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Chargers To Smokers: Suck It...Somewhere Else

So the Chargers have eliminated all smoking areas inside the stadium. This is one of the reasons I quit smoking. Because sooner or later it will be considered an out and out crime. So, good for me; I don't care because this doesn't affect me and that is the modern American way. I do wonder, though, if it's such a hot idea to alienate any group of fans in a panicked economy when you're worried about selling enough tickets to lift TV blackouts. Shit, maybe this will affect me. I also wonder how fair it is to change the rules after you've sold the ticket. I wouldn't be surprised to see some kind of lawsuit. I'd be even less surprised to see it lose because to be a smoker in California is to be Black Bart these days. But if the Chargers want to ban stuff in the stadium in order to make for a more pleasant fan experience for everyone else, how about neck tattoos?

Plaxico Burress Interview

I'm sure by now most of you have seen the portion of Plaxico's E:60 interview that they've been showing on ESPN where he tells what happened that night he shot himself in the leg. It's not really even all that interesting if you ask me but my favorite part is where the reporter asks the whitest question I've ever heard: "Why didn't you have a holster?" Way to be out of touch, ESPN. Or maybe they were asking what was on the minds of their 80 year old viewing audience. You know, keep that demo happy? Reminded me of the time an engineer at my work was shocked-SHOCKED-that I didn't wear a helmet when riding my beach cruiser on the boardwalk.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Good News.

Philip Rivers signs 6 year/$92 million contract.

Whaddya Know, Charger Football. Sort of.

So, whilst away vacationing in the great North Woods of Minnesota, I put off my posting in earnest for a bit and tried to be a Twins fan so that I could delude myself into believing that preseason football wasn't really happening and that baseball was still more than passingly entertaining. It worked for a quick minute, as I was only able to catch a handful of snaps during the not-blacked-out-in-Minnesota Chargers Preseason game against...someone? Seattle, maybe? I don't know, I was drunk and it was nice to sees guys in football clothes running around, but it wasn't real. This past weekend, while still rather drunk, I was able to actually catch about half of the game against...the Cardinals, I think. Some thoughts:

  • I really like Legedu Naanee[?]. Not only is his name super fun to say, he seems to be in the mix when he's in the game, you know? Beautiful long strike by Rivers to a very nice grab by Naanee[?] to open the action.
  • Glorious to see Cromartie finding the ball. I'll have some more of that, please. Guy needs to be a superstar.
  • O-Line. That's a problem.

That's all I got. Seriously, that's every last thing I remember and I wouldn't have it any other way. Yesterday, John smoltz owned the Padres after letting every team he faced as a Red Sock hit BP against him until the team jettisoned him, and now all I want to do is go into a coma until preseason is over.

One last thing:

  • According to the local radio goons this morning, former Chargers punter Darren Bennet was a consultant on the construction of the new Texas Stadium, and he told Jerry Jones that the giant screen should be at least 115 feet off of the ground so that only the best punters would hit it and only sometimes. Jones hung the screen at 90 feet anyway and now they'll probably have to spend $2,000,000 to raise it 25 feet. Check out the way Jones whines about how the mean ole punter tried to hit it the other night here. Glorious!

Yeah, I bulleted ONE point, so what? Bullet points rule! I love them almost as much as commas. Go Bolts!!!

Friday, August 07, 2009

AJ's Mistakes Aren't Worth Mentioning

So says Kevin Acee, who was on local radio once again, blaming everyone but AJ for the Chargers decline over the last few seasons. When asked about the drafting of Buster Davis, Acee admitted that it probably wasn't the best pick, but since we don't need him it's no big deal. So AJ gets a pass on throwing away a 1st round pick on a guy that no other team had scouted anywhere near the 1st round. And before you give me any garbage about how AJ hit on guys like Castillo and Cromartie in spots they weren't expected to go, please keep in mind that those guys only slipped due to injury or controversy, not due to the fact that they weren't even the best receiver on their team in college.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

I Know Television Personalities.

I'm only posting the following video because I know the brunette in the Vincent Jackson jersey and since she gets more air time here than LaDainian Tomlinson, I'm pretty sure that makes me awesome by association.
 
"We're gonna come home with a ring this year!" The fan in me says "Yes!" but the remaining functioning brain cells in me wish they shared her optimism.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Eli Manning Effing Sucks!


I've been saying for a long time now that I could not care less that Eli Manning temper tantrummed his way out of a Chargers jersey years ago (who knew he could hold his breath that long?), and as far as I'm concerned-or any San Diego fan should be concerned, for that matter-we made out like bandits in the deal. Problem is, Eli has a ring and a fancy last name and that just got him a ridculous new contract with the VaGiants. I don't care to report the exact numbers here because i don't feel like looking them up, but suffice it to say that he's going to be making about $100 million over the next 6 years and that is a crock of shit. This ultimately means we will have to pay Rivers somewhere in that territory (or more, since statistically he makes Eli look like Archie, who must've been the nicest guy to ever play since he's remembered as a talent and I can't find talent anywhere near any numbers he ever put up (and don't give me that, "he had no talent around him bullshit, because lots of QBs have been considered NFL busts even though they played for shit teams-any QB the Lions ever drafted for instance-and yeah, I double paranthesized[?])). What the fuck was I talking about? [Scrolls back] Oh, right, the Bolts are going to likely have to give up the richest contract in franchise history to keep Rivers and that should pretty much put the final nail in any hope some of you may be retaining that we'll somehow scrounge up the coin it'll take to keep Shawn Merriman after this season. My advice? Buy stock (or at least a jersey) in Larry English. Happy Wednesday, Chargers fans!

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Cromartie's Twat...

...gets him a fine. More draconian management from G.M. Gunslinging Godafather*? Just kidding, Twitter is stupid. You know, until I get into it.

*inadvertant 'a.' It stays.

Maybe Bilichek Isn't All Bad?


I believe that this was likely a move to drive Al Davis crazy[ier?], of which I am all in favor. Imagine Brady goes down again this year and Andre Walter takes the Pats into the postseason throwing TDs to Randy Moss, while the Raiders toil at around 4 or 5 regular season wins with Jamarcus Russell throwing INTs in the direction of Javon Walker and Darrius Heywood-Bey. So glorious. What could be next? Turning Denver's defense into a Pro Bowl squad? I'd have to start giving the Hoodie some credit at that point, for sure.

Monday, August 03, 2009

Yeah, Pretty Much.

From Peter King's Monday Morning Quarterback column this morning referrring to the Football Outsiders Almanac 2009:

g. And now for the projection that interests me more than any in the 2009 book: The Chargers have the strongest projection of any team in the six years that this book has measured preseason projections. Previously, the strongest preseason projection belonged to the 2007 Patriots. "However,'' says Schatz, "this does not mean we are predicting that the Chargers will go undefeated or even make it to the Super Bowl, because they are still coached by Norv Turner."


"The Chargers project to have the offense of the 2008 Chargers and the defense of the 2007 Chargers. They were the highest-rated offense by Football Outsider stats last year, in particular the best passing game in pretty much every possible fashion except, amazingly, when throwing to tight ends, because of
Antonio Gates' injury. The defense is likely to rebound from last year's decline, especially given the level of injury it had last year. The Chargers also have excellent special teams and we project them with one of the easiest schedules in the league, partly because the projections have the rest of the AFC West as really weak."

I'm sure if you go back and peruse the archives here, you'll find at least a couple of posts where I desperately try to defend the Norv Turner signing when it happened. That is just one of the reasons that if I had a time machine I'd probably just use it to jump back to various points in my life and punch myself in the face.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

AJ Gets The Word Out...

...by jamming his hand up his Kevin Acee puppet's ass.

Kevin Acee breaks down special teams on signonsandiego.com today. He gushes praise for Scifres, Kaeding, Sproles and even David Binn. Here's what he says about Kassim Osgood:

Osgood, a disgruntled receiver, is fast and aggressive and shows hands and athleticism on kick coverage that he evidently can not from scrimmage.

Seems a bit uncalled for. Or, actually "called for" by John Wayne perhaps? Disgruntled or not, Osgood is a pro bowl special teamer and as such it shouldn't be surprising that he might seek an expanded role on the team. Does he deserve a spot on the starting line-up? Nope. Did he deserve a fair shot? Probably. Lots of skill players get their start on special teams. Too bad. Gotta get the word out that Osgood's a no-good malcontent. AJ really has these local hacks trained.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

San Diego Hall Of Awesome

A picture is worth a thousand words.



Been a long time since these days:



I doubt that works in jail. He probably won't achieve this level of fame ever again:

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Anybody There?

I came across this is the Truth & Rumors section over at CNNSI.COM via the Arizona Republic and decided it was interesting enough to break my silence over here:

"Ryan Leaf and Peyton Manning came out of college together and, as the two hot QB prospects that year, compared notes from time to time about their experiences. After they were drafted, Manning told Leaf about how well the Colts organization treated him. They basically bent over backward to make his transition to the NFL as smooth as possible, taking care of all the non-football stuff so Peyton could concentrate on immersing himself into the Colts offense. Manning was stunned to hear that Leaf's experience was completely different. Our golfing partner said that Leaf was basically left to figure it out for himself. If that's true, you combine it with the legendary stories about what an immature jerk Leaf is and begin understand why he crashed so quickly. Again, this is coming from a family friend. Who knows what the Chargers did or did not do for their rookie QB, or whether their management team was equipped to deal with such a high-maintenance player. Regardless of who was at fault for the failed Leaf-Chargers marriage, the allegedly shabby treatment of Leaf stuck with the Manning clan. And, our new golf buddy explained, that's why Archie Manning, the patriarch, threw such a fit on draft day when Eli was picked by San Diego."

From the impression Ryan Leaf has made in his years in the spotlight, I believe that this is likely only true in Ryan Leaf's and the Manning family's eyes. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised to find out the Leaf turned down any offers of assistance in his personal affairs from the Chargers and then told Manning those offers were never extended when he heard Manning's story. That's what self-absorbed, overgrown baby, dickheads do. They place blame for their mistakes on others. I think, that after all was said and done, that this article speaks worse of the Manning's for believing that piece of shit more than anything else. I got over Eli's snub a long time ago, but this is the sort of crap that could reignite it. What's the point of dredging this shit up again? And if you are going to, you might want to look into what Drew Brees and Philip Rivers have to say about their rookie situation in San Diego. You know, cause they actually played for the GM that would have handled Eli, and not the previous one? Fucking stupid off-season reporting. Isn't Brett Favre doing something interesting? Couldn't you get a ticket to Patriots camp? Let's stop making excuses for this jerk:


That's the sort of thing that's ruining this damn country!

On an only somewhat related note, the plan here is to really open this blog up again this coming season, and if anybody out there is still checking in, spread the word that we are not completely without a pulse over here. Let's make this thing a real fucking institution!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Hello? Anybody Still Here?

Okay, so I haven't posted anything in about a million years here because I've been so ambivalent regarding this team. Well, I'm still ambivalent within the rational thinking part of my noggin, but as for the deep primitive recesses of my brain I'm pretty much freaking out in a good way. I'm considering some sort of long-winded analysis of the team's season and the upcoming game against Lamesburgh (couldn't think of any derogatory words that rhyme with Pitt), but only if there is still any life among the readers. So, if you care to hear me ramble on about what I think, let me know in the comments and I'll crap something out of my cakehole before Sunday. Until then, this is pretty sweet:


It should say actual size in the corner.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I Crashed the Bandwagon Sunday...

This was not a post I wanted to pen. I thought long and hard about how to approach this; and after a good 27 minutes and a string of emails it still remained as it was. I thought, "Approach this creatively. Self, be creative." Yeah, that thought was extinguished rather decisively. I then thought, "Go for anger, yes, anger." And again, extinguished rather quickly. You've played that card out. So I settled passively and selected my angle. Honest feelings. Sucks, doesn't it?

Sunday morning was a glorious day out here in the town. Rolled out of bed dodging text messages about where and with whom the Bolt party would be taking place, and responded to most of them, "I'll be watching at home so I can curse at the t.v. in peace." And curse I did.

I'm not going to waste my time and yours with a full recap. Read any of the game recaps from this season, or even last season particularly during the first half of the year. Read any recap from any time of any year where losing was en vogue and shitty football was the recipe. There were some particular moments in this one that I will focus on later, but if I was grading this game I'd give it an F. Well, maybe an F+. Which as we know is like trying to watch porn in church. Totally pointless.

I held my breath in anticipation of Lord General Corleone's 2nd Quarter evaluation speech all day Monday. Nothing. I immediately popped open the computer Tuesday morning just for the sake of seeing if The Godfather had bestowed his words of wisdom, talking us off of the edge of the win wagon poised to leap as it careened out of control. Still nothing. Just strange silence. Then in an unprecedented move, we heard from the Dark Smith Lord. The axe finally fell. On the defensive coordinator. Ted, you will not be missed.

Replacing Teddy will be Ron Rivera, formerly of the Chicago Bears. Ron was interviewed prior to last season for various head coaching vacancies. Word was he'd make a fine head coach for any professional organization. The offseason came and went and Ron had not been selected for any of the vacant lead posts. In fact, he didn't even catch on as a Defensive Coordinator. He became our linebackers coach under Ted Cottrell.

Needless to say that if you'd like to focus on two of this team's most unflatteringly glaring weaknesses, first you'll have to ignore the lead incompetent and turn your gaze to the defense. The aspects of the defense that include but are not limited to, the pass rush and the linebacking. It's safe to say that both were demonstrably attributed to 'schemes' or a lack there of. Ted maintained that his 'schemes' did not change from last season. And I'd submit that they hadn't, during last season's slow start the defense looked eerily similar. It seemed as if there were a turning point last season, Teddy, newly motivated, turned the beasts free and an 8 game winning streak suddenly reared its mighty head. Turns out Ted may have not played any different schemes this year, but would he have, he may still be employed and we may not be 3-5 heading into a bye week I'm not sure we aren't going to lose.

Enter Ron Rivera to save the day. Mentor and coach to what would be the worst group of linebackers I've seen in Bolt uniforms in some time. Color me not impressed. Perhaps something should have been seen as wildly amiss, when as a favorite for a head coaching position, Rivera struggled to even find an assistant's job. I've heard of people not being good interviews and having that impact their ability to find work. Ron must have done something wholly inappropriate in order impact his employment status so dramatically. Thankfully, our excellent judges of character, namely the Spanos' found Ron a home here. And lo and behold, he's now by default the defensive coordinator. A defensive coordinator that couldn't coach the linebackers basic fundamentals of tackling again evidenced on Sunday. A linebacker coach that couldn't coach the linebackers to cover space in slant routes, cutting off angles, or teach them to protect the soft middle of the field. Might as well hire Lehman to manage your Washington Mutual deposits.

Much like the departure of the last head coach, this felt like a reactionary move that didn't really address the true problem. And to a degree it was. Does the defense have problems as hard to ignore as tits on a bull? Yes. Is this the move that will save the disaster that has become the first two quarters of the season, or where I come from a half season? That remains to be seen, but there are many other items that need to be addressed as well. Someday I'd like to see that bull though. I do like tits.

The elephant in the room is still the lead incompetent. I'm not willing to ignore or make excuses anymore for Norv Turner. His record was less than stellar prior to coming to San Diego. Better than 20 games under .500. Since becoming the head man here, his legacy as a loser has hardly been changed. As the driver of the Win Wagon, he's managed a 14-10 record. A 3-5 record with a team that has been described in the last calendar year as many things, 'superbowl favorites', 'most talented team in football', 'deepest squad', 'promising with a large window of opportunity', 'young and built to win'. Take your pick, they've all been used at one point or another. Yet, Norv, described as never having anything to work with in Washington and Oakland has managed to take our highly cliched, and heavily talented football team and steer them into a 3-5 record halfway through the season. Or as A.J. would put it, two quarters in. That my friend is a loser. Cemented by a legacy of losing. There is really no disputing that. He is not a leader. He is not a motivator. He is not a coach. He is an offensive coordinator. Coaches make a difference. Good coaches do not go on losing streaks as Turner has historically done. This man turned a Redskins team that started 7-1 (1996) into a 9-7 football team. He continued to turn the same Redskins franchise into a 7-6 team after a 6-2 start prior to being summarily fired before seasons end.

The discussion I've had a few times today is what to make of this. How deep does this loser mentality permeate the organization? Can it be measured? I say no. Is it obvious that there must be some correlation here? To me, I think it foolish to ignore that someone who is tainted by losing doesn't bring that in some way to the table each and every week. At each and every practice he leads, during each and every game. It's a stench that cannot be cleansed from his approach. It should not have been ignored during his hiring, and it should not be ignored now.

A.J. seemingly got his man. A man that would be a non factor in decision making with regard to personnel. Just run your offense Norv, seemed to be the message. Fear not, no one is asking you to be a leader, or to do the intangibles like making adjustments when plan A is no longer effective. Just captain the Win Wagon in the right direction and all praise will be heaped upon the Bad Ass Motherfucking John Wayne Cowboy Mafia Boss Corleone General Manager A.J. Smith. Dark Lord Smith for putting together this deep, talented, built through the draft home grown genius battleship of a football team. So, why is Norv not being held feet to the fire strung up in the town square by his neck as Marty seemingly was the entirety of his tenure here? Because Merriman is hurt? Injuries in the AFC Championship game? You can't tell me about the genius that is A.J. building the deepest team, and then in the next breath say we're not deep and can't overcome injury. Jyles Tucker got an extension for what I still don't know and there has been crazy talk that we won't be resigning Shawne Merriman. If Tucker really is the second coming of Merriman, how can you blame injury for our defensive woes? Perhaps we should revisit the fact that Marlon McCree is no longer with the team. A veteran leader playing safety has been replaced by a second year draftee who to date should be widely criticized for not being a professional football ready player. On Sunday, he received a 15 yard unsportsmanlike penalty for celebrating an interception with a hardly entertaining dancing fit epileptic in nature. Compounding the problem was that he celebrated an interception he didn't even make that was overturned via replay after having additional time to see the play on the jumbotron. I guess you really do need to wait three years to evaluate a draft.

That being said, we gave up some picks for both Weddle and our first round pick this year , Jacob Hester (Ed Note: Yes I'm an idiot, he was our third round pick, Cason being number one), who has yet to see the light of day in the regular season to any degree. To date, a third round draft pick who has 2 carries for 3 yards. Quite an impact player no? I hesitate to wonder where this is all going. Sure, many of A.J.'s moves have been successful, Merriman, Castillo, Rivers, need not argue any of those. Even Antonio Gates, who he signed as a free agent, then made demands of during a contract negotiation that went south and set an ultimatum for Gates to report or be suspended. Gates failed to meet the deadline, was suspended, and the game which he missed was lost. What needs to go not unnoticed are the other moves, the release of Marlon McCree, the release of Lorenzo Neal, and the ungraded last two drafts as well as the future drafts that are affected by having fewer draft picks as a result. The future doesn't look so bright I need shades to quote a relatively obscure Canadian pop icon that contributed to the downfall of American Music. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT COREY HART!!!

I find it entertaining that the last time we had this modern day cowboy type for a general manager, and heaped praise on him for his drafting philosophy and successes, he was eventually run out of town tail tucked firmly between his balls after failure after failure mounted up and the future of the squad had already been mortgaged. We called him Bobby Beathard. Are the Weddle's and the Hester's of this new class the updated versions of the Mikhael Ricks' and Brian Still's? Still to tough to say, but parallels be damned.

Again, after all the doom and gloom I watched a football game Sunday morning. I saw some more of the same and a bit of the unfamiliar. I was tremendously irate with a 3rd and 5 running play on the game's potentially tying drive, that drew a net of two yards and put us in a 4th down situation, limiting the play book. I hated that call and we know where that came from. I did however enjoy the resurgence of LTD. His greatest game of the season, real passion showed from him for the first time in a while. I was a little disappointed they didn't screen him more, yet I'd let that slide. I liked seeing Gates finally getting involved to a degree in which I recognized him. I didn't like Vincent Jackson's dropped 72 yard touchdown pass. I didn't like that at all. I was mostly disappointed all the way through though, and it didn't get any better when it was over.

I took a bike ride to a local watering hole to grab a beer and try to forget the most recent debacle. I was doing a bit of a fishing expedition as well, to gauge the fervor of the fans, the ones proudly displaying Bolt Blue with their favorite numbers adorning their backs. Most everyone was disappointed but optimistic. Some had derogatory things to say about some aspect, the refs blowing the Cletus Gordon pass interference call, only one mentioned the coaching. I asked a trio of jersey clad 'locals' what they thought of the coaching. If they in fact thought that anything needed to be done. The response was, "You're off the bandwagon already? Typical don't you think? First sign and you're gone huh? Good. Stay off dude."

Yep. That's what I got as a response. Instead of pursuing a situation where I crack a barstool over his head, I just nodded and acknowledged that no I was not in fact off of the bandwagon, but I had in fact hijacked the fucking thing and I was careening it into the nearest fire engulfed brick fucking wall. Yep, it's all my fault and I'm willing to take that responsibility on my own. Norv, you are off the hook for at least two weeks, this one's on me...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Oh Wait. Never-Fucking-Mind.

Looks like we're only going to need to win like two more games to get into the playoffs anyway. What's the point in trying then? We can accidentally make it into the postseason at this rate. The postseason. Where anything can happen. Like fucking Disneyland. Fucking stupid football.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Balls, Balls, Balls...

You know? There's been far too much depressing shit going on over here for what seems like far too long lately. This team has many times in its history tested my ability to continue with a rooting interest in their success. I've truly invested all of my being in this squad for as long as I can remember. I mean, I still look at the picture of me with Dan Fouts when I was four at my mom's house with fondness and wonder. I look at my old autographs and behave like a juvenile little child still to this day. I'm a fucking full grown adult. What's wrong with me?

Nearly two years ago I halfheartedly quit the football team. That New England debacle in January on our field sent me off of the wagon. It took me all of last season to muster up the ability to care about the team again. I didn't want the letdowns to plague me anymore. The team didn't feel familiar to me and the people running the team I was not particularly fond of. It wasn't difficult to put a little distance between us. I walked around knowing full well that the season would be a failure and that only winning football games would surprise me. So of course, when they got their act together and strung together victory after victory and then left the playoffs a tremendous disappointment yet again, I wasn't surprised. I was just sad. Sad that it happened. Sad that it happened again. Sad that it was further cementing our legacy as a failed squad.

Enter 2008. Expectations for the squad still at all time highs. Fan loyalty brimming with confidence. Super Bowl talk dominated the offseason national landscape. Everyone was on board with Bolts. It was nearly a foregone conclusion that this year, this was our year. I wanted more than anyone to believe. I even think I tried to convince myself that I believed. Yet nothing really has changed. Yes, I know there are injuries, Shawne, LTD, Antonio, everyone is seemingly hurt. But this team was sold to us by A.J. who had built the depth of the squad through the draft and he is a damned genius so Super Bowl be ours. They told us about the depth of the team so often, that it's amazing to me that it's so quickly forgotten now. If not for injuries it's for schemes, the defense isn't effective but Teddy isn't doing anything differently than he did last year, and I'd agree. He's doing nothing differently than he did in the series of losses that mounted up last year. And well, let's not forget the head man in charge, he of the losing regular season record, a legacy of disappointment in Oakland, and I'd rather not even repeat some of the good things they say about Norv in Washington.

What now? What now fellas? I'd almost pay to hear Mr. Canepa weigh in on the subject of the worst pass defense in the league, an ineffective at best running game, and the overall continuing lack of leadership that permeates the organization from top to bottom. Suffice to say that all stadium issues aside (Good Luck Spanos, with that publicly funded job now.) that there are issues are slightly more prevalent. I'd run down the list for the umpteenth time in this space, but really, I don't have the desire, and you probably don't want to hear it.

Funny thing is, I don't feel as awful as I have in the past as a reaction to the crushing disappointment. It feels so familiar to me anymore, you know, the leadership gaffes, the disappointing play, the familiar underachieving, all of it. I'm hardly even surprised it's happening yet again. I didn't even care to watch the afternoon session of the NFL yesterday. I took a walk instead.

I've made that halfhearted attempt to quit this team in the past. I don't think that will happen again. I don't want to quit on purpose. But it's slipping away, a legacy of disappointment and failure and loss after loss after loss in big situations adds up. At some point it will become insurmountable. I find that I just won't allow myself to care that much anymore and it's taking less effort than ever.

Perhaps this is the wake up call the team needs. Perhaps this is the point in which the season turns itself around and everything comes up platinum roses. There is still a lot of football to play and the division is surely not out of reach. Just color me a bit skeptical that this tiger can change its stripes when it's shown no propensity to do that, well, ever.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Fuck That Shit.

I just don't know if I have it in me any longer. The city of San Diego is a melting pot within a country that is a melting pot of it's own. I don't know what the exact figures are, but some days it feels like the population hovers at around 90% transplants. And for some inexplicable reason, most of them harbor a deep loathing for our local sports teams. I've heard it said it's because our fan base gets too excited when our teams succeed even though we have won no titles. That's right, people hate our teams because we cheer for them. It's really hard to deal with that kind of attitude. I get it at work. I get it when at the local watering hole. And as I was walking home in my Philip Rivers jersey after another abysmal loss today, I was heckled by a 13 year old. I think they may have won. I think I might be done. I hate this team.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Week 7 Gem...

First and foremost a hearty congratulations to the squad for not sucking raw eggs Rocky style last Sunday on national television against the non-rival dickfaces. From my vantage point, Vinny Jack and Malcom were somewhat stellar in an almost professional football sort of way. There is a new mantra around here, at least one that I'm adopting and were I some sort of COACH I'd be preaching to the squad. One week at a time fellas. Let's not get all crazy with Super Bowl delusions and just handle one week at a time. Next up. Buffalo. Or Toronto? I can't remember.

Second. I'd like to take this space and your time to say to all who are touting this as a difficult game due to cross country traveling, uh, (pausing for composure) it's 2008. It's not 1848. We're not traveling by covered wagon or by train. It doesn't take 3 days to cross the country. We're not hold up in a the cargo by of a C-130 going to some remote base in some remote desert to fight some remote enemy. The squad is flying charter plane, with more than likely better than coach accomodations to Buffalo. That's a 6 hour flight. They aren't going to the moon. Let's not pretend that a first class charter flight to Buffalo is an impossible feat to overcome. It's not. And since we're at it, New England and Arizona had to play two consecutive weeks across the country and decided to stay in their respective cities during the week to practice and avoid further 'most difficult' cross country travel. The Pats went to Gay Town North, won, then held up in San Jose during the week for practice, made the trek down to America's Finest Bankrupt City and lost. Then went home tail between nutsack and taint. Arizona went to Favretown, lost, stayed there, practiced, and lost again. In conclusion, keeping players from their homes, families, familiar surroundings and practice facilities to avoid cross country luxury travel is rather unsuccessful as well. Let's not reinvent the wheel here fellas. There is no built in excuse. If the Bolts go to Buffalo and lose, it's not because they had to get on an airplane okay? Good, glad we got that settled hamburger tits.

Third, (please pardon the baseball interlude) I'd like to send a thank you card via snail mail USPS to Gabe Gross of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays of Sunshine or whatever the hell the Selig Enterprise is calling them now. It reads like this:

Dear Gabe,

You are a professional right fielder for a professional baseball team playing for a chance to go to the world series against the Boston Red Sox. When a baseball is hit to you in the 8th inning, and you play it like a professional, picking it up on one hop after setting yourself to make a professional throw 150 feet to home plate in order to cut down the tying run in a playoff series clinching game, please don't pucker up your asshole and spike the ball to the first baseman who is standing 50 feet from you. He is not there to cut off the baseball. I'm instrucing you with knowledge garnered from the Tom Emansky school of baseball to throw the ball like a professional baseball player should, all the 150 feet to home and cut off that rather significant tying run. Hit the trashcan my friend. I emplore you. Fuck dude. I play right field. I can make that throw. I'm not even a professional. Shit, my niece could make that throw. She's fucking 8 and a half. Gabe, for the love of ice cream dude, make the fucking throw.

Sincerely,

CJ

Baseball distraction over. Bolts, this message is for you. Go across the country. Kick the piss out of the Buffaronto Bills and kill their college concussed quarterback and come home victors. Thank you.

And Cheerleaders, flexible ones...

Sunday, October 05, 2008

State of the Union...

Since the Godfather in these parts evaluates the season in quarters, let's call this the State of the Union address for the season to date. I know that the first quarter is over and that we are about a third of the way through the football season and that much closer to suffering through what will be another dismal baseball effort, so let's recount what's happened thus far...

The team is shitty. Sorry if that ruins your Super Bowl delusions that has seemingly infected most rational people in these parts since June. This is no Super Bowl team. This isn't even a good team. Five games into the season and here we sit with a losing record against very mediocre football teams. There are some issues that are easy to identify. Since Nick Canepa and Godfather A.J. Wayne won't identify them, please allow me to present them on a silver platter for your enjoyment. Call me glib, call me pessimistic, call me a realist. Time to stop drinking the Kool Aid and get your heads out of the sand. In no particular order...

* Vanilla. The offense is vanilla. There is no creativity. There is no thought. There is no plan. There is, a bunch of ego. There is an entitlement complex. There is an overall feeling that we are owed something. We're not. Other teams are flat out busting our ass wide open and guys look confused and frustrated. Antonio Gates has disappeared. Why? I know why... you have to wait a few more bullets to find out.

* Ahh...., defense. Should be called offense cause it's fucking offensive. Today was whatever word you can think of that means the same as utter complete colossal joke. It was interesting enough that Denver was able to put up a full shitload of points against us with nothing more than an S.E.C. offense, but today, Miami actually turned us into a short bus full of kindergarden level retards on the defense. I've seen Miami's offense before. It was in Pop Warner. Earlier I thought I'd seen it in High School football, but that was wholly inaccurate. I've only seen that work in Pop Warner. Perhaps Matt Wilhelm was a bit premature by doing Joey Porter's sack dance in the first quarter instead of remembering to tackle Ronnie Brown. And hey, whoever over there is in charge, why are we sagging nearly 12 yards off the line of scrimmage on outside receivers such as Greg Camarillo and Ted Ginn? Really? 12 yards against those guys? Miami routinely picked up five yards a pop on the outside cause we let Chad 'noodle arm' Pennington off the hook. Five yards a pop is a pretty good average when you only need two downs to make another first down. Even 'noodles' himself can throw a simple out when there is no press coverage. Hmmmmm, funny.

* That being said, hey coaches! Coaches? Today you fail. A.J. and Nick may grade the season in quarters and deemed Q1 a success by giving it a C grade. C's are average, lord knows C's got me through college, less because I'm stupid and more because I was lazy, but Q1 was no success. It was no C. It was a complete failure. Two and two is successful? Funny that a team with Super Bowl aspirations would be satisfied with two and two. Needless to say that the failure continued yet again today with what can be considered at least by me, to be the worst coached football game in the Turner era. Horrifyingly bad. I can list about a hundred items about the game I disliked, but we'll focus on the end of the game. Specifically with four minutes to go in the fourth quarter. Use your time outs. Preserve the clock. Instead, we didn't, the Sparano and the fucking thyroid challenged Tuna kept running Pop Warner formations and we kept coughing up first downs. Skip to two minutes and change left, and we continued to do the same, not using the two minute warning as a backstop, but saving those timeouts. That two minute stop gap came and went and we never secured the ball again. I know a little about football. And gee, do you need to be a genius to get somebody like Antonio Gates (told you I'd come back to this) into the game? Why are we going away from what made us so successful under the previous regime that got run out of town after a 14-2 season? Really? No more Gates? At all? Seems rather uh, what's the word?.... idiotic? Yes, idiotic... to me at least. I'm certainly not at any kind of professional level when it comes to football strategies, but it's funny that I feel like I know more about football than the people captaining this ship and careening it into the same iceberg that claimed the Titanic.

* Disclaimer: This may be the hardest thing I write perhaps ever. Ladainian Tomlinson is finished as a Charger. Sorry to have to be the bearer of such harsh news. LTD wants to quit football. It's readily apparent and it's in his body language and his blatent lack of performance. It was a nice run with LTD but there will be no more references to him as TBE, as some call him, "the best ever.". No more. LTD wants to take his ball and go home. Don't believe me? Fine. Don't believe me. I'll lay out some evidence and you can judge it as you will. But don't jade yourself like the first O.J. jury and think it isn't true because this is fact my friend. Straight FACT. Last week Mr. TBE got a little hung up on a handoff with ol' Marmalaard. Turned out not to work out so well for the home squad and Phil fumbled the exchange and a safety was born. Today, ol' Marmalaard and LTD had yet another problem with an exchange, where Phil nearly tripped over LTD trying to hand him the ball. Last week, a free defender came mashing through the line and LTD saw him and cut off his play. He did not run to his spot and Phil wound up on an island trying to hand off the football to someone who did not want the exchange. LTD was afraid to take a hit and opted out of the play. The result? Safety. Today, Joey Porter came free and ol' LTD came up short, didn't run to his spot, afraid of taking a hit. Phil nearly tripped over him and almost fumbled again. This lands squarely and wholeheartedly on the running back. And really, do we need to bring up the 4th down play from the 3/4 yard line where the handoff went to TBE and he tiptoed his way to the line of scrimmage. Funny how I remember a time where TBE would launch himself over everyone and land 5 yards deep in the end zone. Now, he tiptoes to the line and gets smeared and we get no touchdown. So..., LTD, I'm speaking to you. If you are afraid of the big bad defense, get off the field. If you are hurt and you can't perform to the point where you can take a handoff without being afraid, or get into the end zone from 30 inches away, get off the field. Stop pouting and get off the field. You are slowly becoming an open wound on this team. I'm never buying any of the t.v.'s you are so busy hocking, cause you are becoming a disgrace. If you don't like football, stop playing. Quit pretending that you are a football player cause you look like a bitch.

So. There it is. Do with it what you will. There will be no happy cheerleader photo to follow and no more rah rah bullshit. Take this team for what it is. Mediocre at best. At BEST. To quote the great Ron Burgundy, "Go fuck yourself San Diego."