There Can Be Only One!

Hurray! It’s time to play Football Americano’s favorite post season guessing game, “Who’s Going to Knock Off the Chargers?” Honestly, it’s the craze that’s sweeping the nation. Some writers believe the Charger’s will, in fact, knock themselves off, with either Phillip Rivers having a Chernobyl-like meltdown or Schottenheimer allowing his testes to creep way back up into his belly as he is wont to do in the play-offs. Others feel it is more likely that some other footballing squad will be responsible for our ultimate and unavoidable demise. The popular pick for those fools is the Baltimore Ravens and their “alledged” murderer who has a strong personal relationship with God. Sure guy, but I’m thinking if you’re inclined to believe in God (As I do, even though others here do not), you’d have to give him a little credit and assume he can see through your bullshit. I mean, I can see through your bullshit, and even though I at times am Godlike, I am not actually God. Anyway, for fun I thought I would go through the also-rans in the AFC and illustrate what I think of them and their chances of not losing to the best team to grace the NFL with their presence this year. Please enjoy.

1. The New York Jets



I’m going to just stop right there, because this is not an actual play-off team. This is a typo, and 250 years in the future, some sports historian will be going through the records and determine that the Jets did not actually qualify for the post season this year. A fucking clerical error, I tell you!

2. The Kansas City Chiefs



Intriguing, as they were one of the two teams to beat us in the regular season. On top of that, they managed to do it after Marty took the headphones off. Of course, I’m willing to admit that if we face them, and we turn the ball over three times in the first ten minutes of the game again, these guys could be trouble. Yeah, no.

3. The New England Patriots



You have to respect the Patriots. They are always there and they always come to play. Unfortunately for them, the only real weakness we have is we sometimes have trouble covering receivers. As anyone who’s paid attention this season knows, the Patriots do not employ any actual receivers, giving the Bolts a rather noticeable edge. Next!

4. The Indianapolis Colts



It would be easy to harp on the fact that the Colts defense has gone ahead and constructed an Express Lane down the middle of the field for opposing running backs, but I’d rather go with the old standby of Peyton Manning’s egotistical need to try to win the game by himself and force bad passes in the red zone. You can go ahead and decide which of those reasons works better for you.

5. The Baltimore Ravens



These guys are fags. We changed our style of play after that ridiculous loss to them early in the season and it has worked well for us. I said it then and I’ll say it now; We are a far better team. We will not sit on a six point lead. We will not allow you to load the box to stop LT without testing you downfield. And most importantly, you will never score enough to put us away before the fourth quarter, when we shine. Suck on it!

There you have it. Since there’s two weeks before the next Bolt clinic on the properties of Football in America, I’ll leave my takes on the NFC for another day, but check out this article CJ sent me. Pretty good, right up until that last paragraph. Fumble. Go Bolts!!!