Saturday, January 13, 2007

The Quick Hits.... I'm Sick of this Version...

I love bye weeks. Especially in the playoffs. It gives me ample time to sit on my ass and wax intellectual with the main proprietor of this site about our beloved. It seems as if this week off has actually melted all sense of reason for those who weild a keyboard and get paid to do so. I've followed football since I can remember. I remember nearly breaking the coffee table at my house when Eric Seivers caught a big pass in a big game that I can't really remember. I know that it was quite possibly the biggest game I had watched in my young career, and I remember that I was running around the house like a crazed maniac inebriated on football and caffeine. And we don't even need to speak of the fight I had to put up so that I could stay up to watch Kellen Winslow's heroics against that Miami team way back when. Sorry Mom, that must have been trying. So, in a round about way, here's the point... I've studied this game for a very long time, and it puzzles me how with just a scant seven days off, how the professionals can be so wrong.

I'm also a Bill Simmons proponent. I've been reading him for some time and usually enjoy his work thoroughly. And I knew going into this week there would be some intense homerism from his angle and that it would be hard for him to distance himself from the 3 time champs and acknowledge that the Pats were underdogs in this game. But, does that give you license to spew nonsense. Let's recap...

*Everyone, not limited to just Simmons has been riding the "Schottenheimer Sucks in the Playoffs" angle to death this week. Yes, we understand that the 5-12 playoff record doesn't seem like an attractive stat on the books. But, in a case where all involved have made it public knowledge that if Marty fails to win a Super Bowl this season, his job will be sweeping the trash out of the parking lot of the Murph. Do you really think that Coach wants to lose his job? Do you really think that he won't win the game? Do you think he is going to just go out there and intentionally play not to lose? It's not like he's going to be brownbagging a 40 of Ol' E on the sidelines with that "I'm going to the unemployment office right after the game" look on his face. If anything, he has something to prove. Do you want to play against our team with a megamammoth chip on our dyanabol fueled shoulders? I don't either.

*The steroid angle is not only played out, it's dumb. " I know that it's intimidating to face a San Diego defense with two known steroid guys on it -- after all, people who use steroids are prone to violent acts of rage." That's an actual quote. From a professional paid sportswriter. Is he actually saying that no one on the Patriots has ever done steroids? No professional football players save Shawne Merriman and Luis Castillo have been known to use performance enhancing drugs? Rodney Harrison, not prone to "violent acts of rage"? How do you collect a paycheck?

*"I know how it looks on paper. I know the Pats have to play perfectly to win. I know they can't turn the ball over. I know they have to knock Tomlinson around like they did Marshall Faulk in Super Bowl XXXVI. I know they can't give up any long plays to Antonio Gates. I know they can't screw up on special teams. I know they have to run the ball, keep running the ball and keep San Diego off the field." According to the Sports Guy, this is all the Pats need to do to be victorious this weekend. Stop The Best Running Back ever, that should be a one man task. Cover The Best Tight End ever, whilst not losing sight of TBE. Not give up any big plays, and then, run the ball effectively against a defense that devours running backs keeping our offense off of the field. I don't think that's too much to ask. I mean, you have Bill Belichek over there, he can move mountains with his brain causing monumental tsunamis in the process, and then he can part the seas deflecting all of the destructive power of the oceans like Moses. He is God you know.

*Does anyone besides myself and Max here realize that the Patriots are a Tier #2 team? They play in the AFC East. That's six wins against the Dolphins, Jets, and Bills. Not to mention the Jets (?) dominated them on their own turf during the regular season. That game last week? A joke. The Jets are awful. I repeat, the Jets were awful. An overachieving group in a piss poor division in the AFC. Oh, they also played the powerhouse NFC North this season. The Bears, Packers, Vikings and Lions. Gee, that might be the worst 12-4 team in the history of football. What kind of balls does it take to ignore the fact that the Pats don't match up against us well in any sense? Run Defense? Advantage Bolts. Secondary? Advantage Bolts. Running Backs? Tight End? Advantage Bolts. Oh, but that Tom Brady. He, like Belichek, is infallible. He can save the world with a wave of his mighty palm. He and Madonna and Angelina Jolie should combine their superpowers and rebuild the Death Star in the name of world domination.

*Phillip is 0-0 in the playoffs. That of course means he will be terrible. He's unproven. So, of course he will be terrible. It's the only logical conclusion. I don't remember people taking that angle when Jesus Brady was 0-0 in the playoffs. Or for that matter, when Ben Rothlisberger did the improbable and won the Super Bowl with four consecutive road wins last year. Yeah, we're in serious trouble.

*LaDainian Tomlinson. Antonio Gates. Shawne Merriman, Luis Castillo, Jamal Williams and the rest of our 14 pro bowl players. I like our chances with that roster. Call me crazy.

So here's to raising a snifter of Ny-Quil, the Mint Green cocktail of suicide version, to total Bolt domination on Sunday. Here's to no professional accountabililty, or impartiality for paid sportswriters everywhere. I need boobies...

Go Bolts, in a rout...!!!

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