Friday, January 05, 2007

Technology Can Suck It!

So, the new blogger was down most of the day yesterday, making it impossible for me to post a timely tirade about the Padres attempt to acquire Randy Johnson from the Yankees. I had the whole thing ready to go and I was unable to post it before the news came across that the Diamondbacks had gone ahead and saved us from that disaster. Time wasted. Typically, I’m all about flushing time down the toilet, but only on my fucking terms, damn it! For instance, I’ve quit jobs before and spent two months laying on the couch ordering pizza and watching Saved By The Bell reruns without really ever wondering if somehow there could be more to life.

On the flipside, I once crushed my spine and was forced to lie on the couch for two whole fucking days and it was the most miserable bullshit on the planet. Anyway, the whole thing really cheesed me off, so in order to teach the new blogger a lesson, I intentionally forewent watching Inside Your Granny’s Pap Smear. Of course, when I woke up this morning I realized that the new blogger likely didn’t even give a shit and it was too late for me to take it back. It's like this argument I once had with a ex-girlfriend right near the end of our relationship:

Her: Do these pants make me look fat?

Me: Sure do. In fact, could you hock me up some Ambergris? I need a new car.

Nope, can’t take it back. So, no INFL recap. Before you thank me though, let me go ahead and tell you how I think the show probably went:

Chris Collinsworth cried four an hour because Jay Cutler’s team let him down, but he’ll show everyone next year when he leads the Shit Ponies back to the Promised Land and no one else even comes close.

Marino claimed that since he basically took every possible side on every pick, debate or question posed the entire year, technically he’s been right about everything so far.

Cris Carter admitted that the whole time he had been talking about the greatness of Mike Vick this year he thought he was talking about Vince Young, because even he gets black people confused for each other from time to time.

Costas rode around the studio on a unicycle and juggled bowling pins for an hour.

Peter King claimed that Saban might be going to Alabama after all and that the NFL needs to crack down on people that shoot their players and hit them with more than a four game suspension and a token fine. Some of these “gang-bangers” make up to $10,000,000 a year, and a $35,000 fine is not an effective deterrent for murder. Commissioner Roger Goodell assured King he was taking a hard look at the issue.

Meet Regina Smith. She’s Lovie Smith’s Aunt and also the most popular parking lot attendant in Cincinnati. Ironically, Regina never learned to drive herself. The fans in section G-3 love Regina so much that they all chipped in and got her driving lessons for Christmas. That’s not all, though. They pooled donations from other tailgating fans and raised over $10,000 for a new car. Nephew Lovie pitched in the rest and now Regina is styling in a brand new Toyota Camry. Oh, and you guessed it, she’s a huge Bengals fan!

Also, the Bengals lost.

There, I hope that was good enough to tide you over until we get into the super fun and not at all tedious postseason episodes of this glorious parade of horse droppings.

Now, one last piece of business. I promised my take on the teams in the NFC. Well, since two of them will be gone by Monday, I better get this over with now. So, in the interest of saving time, I’m going to kind of lump the entire division together in a quick, concise descriptive. Here goes:

That about covers it. Hope you’re all enjoying the New Year. I’ll have my Wildcard prognostications up before play starts tomorrow so keep your bookies on hold. Go Bolts!!!

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