Thursday, December 23, 2010

Leaf to Finally Tell His Story

I don't know when this news came out. It seems like I've been hearing about it for at least a couple of days, so I might as well mention it, even though that's exactly what he wants. Ryan Leaf is going to publish a trilogy of books chronicling his meteoric impact into the brick wall of infamy and, ultimately, absurdity. Let's speculate:

Book 1: His upbringing. Mommy's fat little spoiled angel. The Biff Tannen years. Those golden days. The college years, where everybody on his team hated him and his shitty attitude. His one good season. His determination to be 6'5" and fat without looking too fate lands him a $32 million pro contract with...

Book 2: ...The San Diego Chargers! The Pro Years, where everybody on his team hated him and his shitty attitude. How he managed to extend that badwill to the fans and the media. His 1 completion game in Kansas City. How no one gives him credit for saving San Diego football by getting Bobby Beathard run out of town on a rail. How he started to actually look fat. How he went on to play, Dallas? How he managed to never once put a decent stat line when even other noted fatso Jamarcus Russell managed to do that from time to time.

Book 3: Giving back. Taking young men in college and passing on his acquired wisdom. Detailing his own follies so that they might learn from him. Forcing them to hand over their pain medication. Maybe these are the Biff Tannen years? Blowing all his money and losing his cheerleader wife. Getting popped for bringing illegal prescription drugs down from America's Hat. Failing to elicit any sympathy becasue everybody hates him and his shitty attitude. Writing three books in the hopes that someone might still care enough to hand him a second chance at life or at least a handful of percocet.

Shit, I think I just talked myself into checking this trainwreck out. It's going on my Amazon wish list right next to AJ's Lord of the No-Rings Trilogy. I wonder if the crayons are included? Merry fucking Christmas to me!!!

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