I'm the Worst

Lagged on the picks again. I did pick Thursday's game correctly straight up, but like everybody else in the world the Colts desperate attempt to continue to look bad ruined me against the spread. Here's the rest of my picks, in case you give a damn.

Cleveland @ Buffalo
Cleveland at sad Cleveland. Buffalo has given up. Cleveland still seems to think they make it into the playoffs. I want to believe! Browns 34, Bills 27

Atlanta @ Carolina
Mercy, please. This is the sort of weird division game where it wouldn't surprise me if Carolina rises up and attempts to sabotage their draft position. Except that it would surprise me into a coma! Falcons 35, Panthers 13

Green Bay @ Detroit
I go up against Aaron Rodgers in my Fantasy playoffs today. He will throw 6 TDs. 6. Fucking Detroit. I don't talk much shit about you, but if you don't keep Rodgers from throwing 6 TDs the gloves are coming off. Fuck, he's going to throw 6. Packers 42, Lions 34

Oakland @ Jax
Who exactly is Oakland? Who exactly is Jacksonville. At this point I'm totally guessing, but since the Jags burn me every single week, I'm giving MJD the nod today. Raiders 17, Jags 21

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
Again, a weird division match-up that could wind up surprising you. But would it be a surprise? Pittsburgh looks beatable nearly every week, and yet they pull it off every time. Their luck has to run out, right? Not this week. Bengals 17, Steelers 20

Tampa Bay @ Washington
If their is one thing I know, it's that Mike Shanahan is a weasel-faced jag-off. I couldn't be happier with the horrible situation he finds himself in. I have no doubt he will be coaching the Los Angeles Chargers in 3 years, BTW. That's how much the Spanos' care about the fans in San Diego. Tampa feasts on shitty teams. Bucs 31, Skins 12

St. Louis @ New Orleans
I want the Rams to be good. They are the Bad News Bears of the NFL right now. Unfortunately, the Saints are really looking like the Saints right now. Rams 17, Saints 30

Seattle @ Frisco
Every time two teams in this division meet an angel gets run through a wood chipper. Seahawks 21, Niners 20

Denver @ Arizona
This game is so bad that it screams out to your children "There is no Santa Claus!" Broncos 17, Cards 16

New England @ Chicago
The weather is horrible in Chicago today. These are the games you tell yourself, as an NFL fan, that you love to see. Two hardened teams gutting it out in the elements. The truth is that this game will aggravate the shit out of you. Pats 17, Bears 10

Miami @ NY Jets
I wouldn't want to be a middling NFL contender facing the Jets after that embarrassing prison yard gang rape they suffered Monday night. Yet here you are, Dolphins. Pity. Dolphins 10, Jets 24

KC @ San Diego
Okay, we have to win them all. Losing here would end the season. Matt Cassel is out. So yeah, I'm picking us. But here's the thing. I never really bought Cassel. And two years ago, Croyle, with a lesser Chiefs team by a mile, came one miracle finish away from ending our season. You don't think he's excited for the opportunity to do it right this time? Chiefs 23, Bolts 24

Philly @ Dallas
The network could have flexed out of this game for a game with bigger playoff implications, but decided against it. I don't blame them. This could be the most fun you'll ever have watching a football game with the filthy Cowboys in it. Such is the power of the Vick. Iggles 35, Cowpokes 30

NY VaGiants @ Vikings
Snow by 1,000. Seriously, how far is Minnesota willing to go to get a new stadium or get out of town? If this game ever gets played New York should roll. VaGiants 34, Vikes 24

Baltimore @ Houston
I wouldn't want to be a middling NFL contender going up against a Ravens team that let a big game against Pittsburgh slip through their fingers Sunday night. Yet here you are, Texans. Ravens 31, Texans 14

Good? Good. Happy football. Go Bolts!!!