It's time yet again for the weekly Premature Evaluation. As always, each team is graded on a pass/fail basis, unless of course I feel like being more of a dick. With the way the Chargers have been playing lately, expect some vitriol. More so than usual. Or the same amount, I can't really tell anymore. MOUNT UP! It means get on your horses...
1. Giants (5-2). They showed a photo of Eli mourning the flooding in his lobby on the internets this morning. Storm 1. Giants 0. Somehow the storm will wind up losing this battle in the end. Pass.
2. 49ers (5-2). I seriously don’t know how you are still here. You destroyed the hapless Cardinals in the second most boring game of the week. Possibly ever. Seriously, beating the Cardinals is more a requirement than accomplishment anymore. Oh, and I hate your faces. Pass. B.
3. Falcons (7-0). Really? 7-0? Really? …sorting though schedule….Dallas? How have you managed to stay under the radar with this schedule of yours? There hasn’t been a tough game on it. Obviously it was you and Houston in a threesome with the schedule guy. You may not lose a game until week 15 by the looks of it. You’ll still not be the top seed but you could be 13-0. Pass. C+.
4. Packers (4-3). I thought Jacksonville might actually be giving you a game. Then, I saw Aaron Rogers wearing an eye patch frolicking in the background of press photos on the sideline. I see what you’re up to. And I don’t like it one bit. Here’s to hoping someone slips some razor blades in your Halloween cheese curds. Pass. C.
5. Patriots (5-3). Oh. Just. Fuck. You. I hope Gronkowski blows out both his Achilles. Or that someone hides under his car and slashes them shredded with a rusty bayonet. That totally happens everywhere, it’s true! Pass. C.
6. Texans (6-1). Try as I might, I just don’t have anything really awful to say about you. Maybe Jerry Jones will buy the team and turn it into the second biggest laughing stock in Texas. We can only be so lucky.
7. Bears (6-1). You know, Jay Cutler is a miserable fucktard of a human. There isn’t an ounce of doubt in me that servers around the country have put unmentionable bodily fluids and excrement in his meals. If you haven’t, email me. I have some wonderful ideas. Pass. C+.
8. Ravens (5-2). Took a week off from the freefall. You’ll likely take another with Cleveland on the schedule. Unless of course you’re us and then, well, feel free to resume the plummeting accordingly.
9. Broncos (4-3). The only way we catch you to win the division this year is plane crash. Even then it might be difficult for us. Don’t mistake that for me not wanting your plane to crash. Totally rooting for plane crash. Pass. B.
10. Seahawks (4-4). Better do something about that offense or the suicide rate in Seattle will double. Wait. It can’t double can it? Then everyone would be dead. Fail. F.
11. Steelers (4-3). Everyone hated your uniforms last week. Me? Not so much. Thought you looked like angry super mutant bionic bees. The thought of a bionic mutant super bee seems super scary as shit. Pass.
12.Dolphins (4-3). Of course you get an A this week and you even slide into 3rd place in the oh so important “Teams I’m likely to root for” category by making the Jets look stupid. Again. Thank you very much. A. A+. A+.
13. Vikings (5-3). God dammit. You seem so close to taking the next step and being a good team every week and then you go and fucking blow it. Aim for something higher than mediocrity you assholes. Fail. F.
14. Lions (3-4). It should have been you Detroit. Not New York. Sandy missed the target. Thankfully, New York was an okay place to make landfall as well. Pass. Barely.
15. Redskins (3-5). I want to so badly try to like you because of this Griffin character. Yet, Shanahan then goes and tries to get him killed. You are the Broncos of the east, and no less hateable. I’d wish something awful upon you but you have to live in D.C. That’s punishment enough. Fail. F.
16. Saints (2-5). I remember when you were a good team. Strangely, the fans of this town have rekindled the Brees vs. Rivers debate and everyone has reconvinced themselves we made the wrong choice. Again. I’m pretty sure that debate was buried along with the waterlogged corpses in 2005. Fail. F. Fail.
17. Cowboys (3-4). The only thing that keeps me from completely hating you is the fact that your failures are so epically comical that I can’t help but explode with laughter at your misfortune. It’s fucking hilarious. Keep up the good work. Fail. But an A+ for Fail.
18. Eagles (3-4). You continue to be Chargers East, strangely with more talent, but not more success. I will fucking burn your town with acid fire guns for letting Andy Reid escape alive if we hire him. Fail. F.
19. Rams (3-5). Way to travel across the ocean to put on that display of Fail in front of a bunch of limey prick assholes. Actually, nice work, the limeys deserve that. They gave us soccer. Fail. F.
20. Colts (4-3). You’re pretty overrated and it’s because everyone wants you to have a new lily white quarterback that will lead you back to the promised land. Hype machine overload! You know it’s bad when the talking heads think 8-8 is a success. Struggling to beat the Titans in overtime is evidence of your shittiness. Hell, we beat the shit out of the Titans! Suck it Luck. F. Fail.
21. Bucs (3-4). One week it’s the Vincent Jackson show, the next Doug Martin. You are a fantasy dream! Thankfully, it’s only a dream. Pass. B.
22. Cleveland (2-6). Get fucked Cleveland. I take back nothing of what I’ve said about you. Everything about you is terrible in the pedophile kind of way. I hope you wind up in jail. Pass. C-.
23. Bengals (3-4). Try to do something useful and not suck shit through a straw Sunday would ya? Crap. Like you’re actually capable of that. Fuck you.
24. Cardinals (4-4). Man, are you terrible. Your record is starting to indicate it as well. Better get Warner on the phone to re-up with Satan, because the pot obviously needs to be sweetened. Fail. F.
25. Chargers (3-4). You’re still here? I was hoping the Spani would have pulled up the moving vans and taken this wagon train of shitsuckery up to L.A. by now. I’m not so lucky I guess. Surely you’ll stomp the Chefs this week won’t you? WON”T YOU??! You better you fucking useless assholes. You’re fucking worthless. If you don’t know why by now that makes you even more fucking worthless. You’re about as useful as the condom in Tebow’s wallet. FAIL. There isn’t a grade low enough for you.
26. Titans (3-5). I hate you. Die. Fail.
27. Bills (3-4). I hate you more. Die. Fail.
28 . Jets (3-5). If it were a real thing, I’d do anything I could to contribute to global warming so that every hurricane would land on your head. Fail.
29. Panthers (1-6). Freshman fifteen, leads to sophomore slump, leads to everyone gets fired. Sadly, Steve Smith is keeping his composure. Man I hope he let’s loose in that locker room and people get hurt. Someone please keep a cell camera at the ready. Fail.
30. Raiders (3-4). Congratulations. You beat the Chefs. But we still hold a slim tiebreaker over you for second place in the div.. oh fuck it. Pass. We’re the inept ones now. I keep forgetting. But the team keeps reminding me.
31. Chiefs (1-6). God. If we lose to you so help me…Fail.
32. Jaguars (1-6). I can barely laugh at you anymore. You’d probably give us a game. Not likely but maybe. But shit. Probably. Fail.
Something has been bothering me lately and I cannot for the life of me understand why or what the fuck is going on. I hear it and see it everywhere. "BOLT UP!". What the fuck does BOLT UP! mean? I mean, I've been a Charger fan longer than is advised by many doctors and I've never really heard this until the last few years, and yet the meaning is totally fucking lost on me. Anyone? BOLT UP!. Anyone? I've got nothing. So anyway, listen here dickheads, all you sorry excuses for football players, coaches and management that don the lightning bolt logo weekly pretending to be Chargers. Listen really closely. WIN A GOD DAMNED GAME. WIN IT IMPRESSIVELY. STOP ACTING LIKE PUSSY TEENAGERS ABOUT TO START THEIR PERIODS. OH, AND MANAGEMENT, IF AND WHEN BY SOME FUCKING MIRACULOUS ACT OF PHYSICS AND RELIGION COMING TOGETHER IN SOME SORT OF HOLY PAIRING THIS SORRY FUCK ASS GROUP OF COCKDRAGGERS BEATS THIS SORRY TEAM, FIRE EVERYONE ANYWAY! DO IT! STOP SUCKING AT LIFE.
Best,
CJ
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