1.-- Texans (5-0) Clearly thanks are in order for again showing the Jets the door. But, Jesus Houston. Could you be more boring? So schedule guy, what patsy do you have slated for Houston this week? Green Bay? Are they any good? Pass. Stop being so fucking boring and likable Houston. Get somebody arrested in a salacious scandal or something.
2. – 49ers (4-1). Dismantling the Bills earns you the number two spot in this list. And while I want to put you number one here, I can’t for three reasons. 1) The Bills barely count as a professional football team. 2) You lost to the Vikings. 3) I hate your stupid faces and I will boo you at your funeral. Pass. B.
3.– Falcons (5-0). I’m amazed that the Matt Ryan express has not derailed itself to date. I stand by the fact that I’m sure it will. Yet, somehow you pulled another unlikely victory out of your ass against the something or other Redskins. Good fortune continues to befall you at every turn as you knocked Pipi Longstocking out of the game and her replacement threw picks like a high draft pick should. Pass. B-. You clearly have been sucking at the tit of lady luck.
4. Giants (3-2). It goddamned pains me to put you here. But you continue to be the best backing in flying under the radar team ever in the history of the NFL ever. Even the Browns had you up against the ropes until you decided to throw it in reverse and back that machine up. Pass. B.
5. Patriots (3-2). An effective running game two weeks in a row? I’m really starting to worry about those frisky Mayans. Thanks for nothing by the way; you clearly didn’t straighten out the ability to evaluate the Donkeys. Pass. C.
6. Ravens (4-1). Kansas City nightlife must be spectacular. Clearly you were bombed at game time. I’ve never heard of anything cool to do in that state, but you were obviously painting the town in other people’s blood the night before the game. Oh how I want to fail you for that performance, but I can’t do that after you helped usher in the Brady Quinn era. Pass. C-.
7 . Bears (4-1). Let’s not be fooled by the fact that the NFC North is abysmal. There is no logical reason that this team is 4-1. The defense is inspiring. The offense? Still revolves around Sulkface the Clown. You are rising steadily higher on my list of people to hate. Beating Jacksonville however gets you a pass. C+.
8. Packers (2-3). Woof. Perhaps people were right about this defense. Perhaps you are regressing on offense. Clearly you are a shade better than terrible but in the awful spectrum, you register pretty high. Fail. Fail. Fail.
9. – Steelers (2-2). Scrappy good team I don’t really ever want to play. I don’t want to be jealous of a coaching staff that’s always hovering around mediocrity, but they make our coaches look like kindergarteners playing tag in the sandbox. Pass. B+.
10. Eagles (3-2). We are getting dangerously close to a battery riot and or lynching of Andy Reid. How you have a winning record defies everything logical in the entire universe. I can’t believe I’m putting you in the top 10. I can't believe you're still asking Mike Vick to do math, instead of just making his life easy and giving the ball to Shady every single time. To top it off you even got a huge fail this week. F. F for you. F.
11. Vikings (4-1). Another week another win. Percy Harvin is obviously the real deal and there’s still that Adrian Peterson guy lying in wait. I’m not ready to say you’re playoff bound or anything but hell, you’re shocking the shit out of me. Pass. A-.
12. Saints (1-4). I know. You think I’m crazy. But offensively this isn’t a 1-4 football team and if you weren’t paying attention, an interim interim head coach just outcoached our one and only. A Labrador could probably achieve that as well but Dean hasn’t hired a Labrador just yet. Just someone who has the personality of one. Pass. B-.
13. Chargers (3-2). This team has the heart of a ladybug taking a shit when adversity strikes. They're like your bipolar cousin who cries during phone commercials. The Saints may have been the best 0-4 team in the history of this NFL, but they kicked our ass when it mattered. Hell, even Collinsworth saw it coming, while Norv again, did not. Fail. F.
14. Seahawks (3-2). What? Really? I have the Seachickens in the top 15? How did that happen? I guess I’m seduced by good defense the same way Pete Carroll is seduced by a quarterback that might be better at ballet than football. But hey, they win games. Pass. B.
15. Cowboys (2-2). This is how sad a state the NFL is in this season. The Cowgirls are also in the top 15. Obviously the Cowgirls are awful but even Romo isn’t capable of failing a bye week. He did throw 4 interceptions but they did not lose. No grade assigned this week, but still colossal failures.
16. Rams (3-2). Still a plucky bunch this St. Louis team. A far cry from their “Greatest Show on Turf” days, but somehow getting it done. The Superathlete has supplanted Sam Bradford on the “Most Fragile Football Player Alive” list. Also now contains real defense! With 30% more hate! Pass. B+.
17. Broncos (2-3). If this team decided to actually try before the 57th minute of each game they could be formidable. I think I've typed that almost every week this season. We are next on their slate, and we’ll likely pick Manning off six times and stomp on his stem cell stash, or we’ll cry ourselves to sleep over a pint of Ben & Jerry’s feeling bloated and wondering if people think we’re fat.
18. Bengals (3-2). This is the type of squad that will inevitably deteriorate into an offense versus defense civil war. Ultimately, you’re still the Bengals and that’s a legacy of losing that is difficult to shed. And you’re kind of shitty. Still. Fail.
19. Cardinals (4-1). That deal with the Devil needs to have the pot sweetened a little bit. If we somehow trade Jared Gaither and he is suddenly “revived” we’ll truly know. He can’t be any worse than what they have there. Fail. F.
20. Lions (1-3). Probably a shitty football team, but with Calvin Johnson, anything truly is possible. As long as “anything” doesn’t include winning anything except your fantasy game.
21. Dolphins (2-3). Let’s not get crazy Dolphin fans. You beat the Bengals. While that’s a victory on paper, it hardly counts for anything relevant. I’d say take solace in the fact that you live in Miami, but I’ve been to Miami and it fucking sucks. I wouldn’t let my inbred dog live in Miami. Pass. C.
22. Redskins (2-3). You are way outkicking your coverage with RGIII. You cannot afford to concuss that guy, lest Shanahan move to a quarterback platoon just to throw everyone off their scent. That scent is awfully shitty though and difficult to mask. Perhaps a gallon of ether will do it. Fail. F.
23. Colts (2-2). Fine comeback emotional play for their coach over the Packers. Unfortunately for them, someone isn’t going to get leukemia every week and inspiration will run short. Pass. B.
24. Bucs (1-3). If you could find a way to kill yourselves or just quit the league we’d all be thankful. You make terrible football teams look like juggernauts.
25. Bills (2-3). Call it Berman Syndrome but I want to root for you soooo bad. But then I realize that you had your run, you went to and lost four Super Bowls. You should have been contracted years ago. Yet, you’re still bringing down the strength of schedule for real teams every year. Fail. There is no grade low enough for you. Fail.
26. Panthers (1-4). Cam Newton gained his Freshman Fifteen and has officially hit his Sophomore Slump. Unfortunately, I think he’s going to be a sophomore forever. Fail. F.
27. Titans (1-4). We’ve entered the point in the power rankings where all the teams are shitty and ranking them at this point is based mostly on uniform color rather than actual terrible play. Chris Johnson returned to his Jared Gaither like form and another blowout ensued. Fail. F.
28 . Raiders (1-3). If it’s any consolation, your fans are also the worst in the league. You have something in common now.
29. Chiefs (1-4). I’m not a huge fan of cheering for injury however I'm not that far above it either. I am a fan of Brady Quinn making an appearance in our division. That’s good for everyone but the Chefs. Fail. F.
30. Jaguars (1-4). Your Sheik of an owner wants to play more games in England. He doesn’t want to pay MJD. He likes Blaine Gabbart. Clearly you are being sabotaged from within. Revolt Jags fans revolt! All 9 of you can make a statement! Revolution will be yours! Just kidding. Fail. J-.
31. Cleveland (0-5). Let me be clear about this. No one cares. Not one person. No one. Fail. Zero points, zero.
32. Jets (2-3). Boy did that feel good. I feel like I need a cigarette and a shower. I wish the NFL would demote you to Division IAA but alas they will not. So we will all continue to enjoy your futility and laugh. F. Fail. F.
Another fine week in the books. And yet another opportunity for the NFL to put us on the big stage Monday night! Thanks for ruining my Tuesday's Roger! Thank you! NO! THANK YOU!