Saturday, October 27, 2012

Week 7 Premature Evaluation...Now With More Lateness!!

Welcome to this week's later version of Premature Evaluation. As always I'm grading each team on a mostly pass fail basis, unless of course I feel like being a dick. I'll go a little easy since I'm late with my post. You'll get no apology from me. 

1.  Giants (5-2). Hard to bump you from the top spot, though no one is quite sure of what to make of the Redskins as of late. Good? Not Good? Potential MVP rookie quarterback? You pass but we're waiting for a sign that you're still the VaGiants. 

2. 49ers (5-2).  I'm leaving you here because I believe that Seattle isn't horrible, but in reality I think you're more like a 4 or 5. And, I hate you. The baseball team isn't helping my hatred either. Pass. B.
3. Falcons (6-0). No one made the news during your bye week for cheating. Pass. 
4.  Packers (4-3). Someone please call the conductor and tell them there is a body on the track so this train slows down. Throw Ahman Green's corpse out there if you have to. Pass. B+.
5. Bears (5-1)The defense looks legit. However, when all you have to do is put 11 guys on Calvin Johnson, that will improve your looks. Pass. B.
6. Texans (6-1). Boooooorrrrrrriiiiiinnnnnnnggggggg. God. Do something interesting. You're awful. And by awful I mean like 80's Texas hair and ripped bleached jeans look awful which is apparently still in style in your stadium. Pass.

7 . Patriots (4-3). Fail. Just fail. You made the Jets look competent strictly to annoy me and the rest of the league. That looked like one of those games where you didn't want to tip your hand too much because you knew you could beat that team using one tenth of your playbook. Well played. But still, you're the fucking worst. Die. F.
8. Saints (2-4). Interesting road win. Your defense is a swinging turnstile much like a sorority girl's morals. But, that offense can be formidable. Possibly. Pass. 
9. Seahawks (4-3). Another good defense propping up a farce of an offense. But Trent Dilfer won't argue that model. Pass. 

10. Vikings (5-3). Who are you? What are you? Please pick a side would you? Either suck for real or be good. This balancing act of being a consistently boring average team doesn't suit you. Fail. F.
11.Steelers (3-3). Hooray. You beat the Bengals. You should be so fucking proud of yourselves. Try not to crack the achilles of the guy in front of you with your walkers you old dried up fuckers. Pass. C.
12. Broncos (3-3).  Yet another team that had a totally uneventful bye week. Pass.

13. Ravens (5-2). Remember that fall I predicted? You are in the midst of it. You better get a parachute and fast or your impact will be bloody, but really exciting. Fail. 

14.  Rams (3-4). Running into the Packers buzzsaw is nothing to be ashamed of. Those uniforms however are. Bring back the Ike Bruce unis you assholes. Oh, you still fail though. F. For FAIL.
15.  Redskins (3-4). Just coming up short week after week but getting the media fellatio boat steaming full ahead. Your quarterback is not the MVP, but we're going to be force fed that narrative now until he breaks his neck. I do not thank you for that. Fuck off. F. 
16. Lions (2-4).  Find another offensive target besides Megatron and you might, and I stress might be something sometime. For now, you continue to be a one trick pony and your quarterback is fat. That pony's back hurts. Fail. F. 
17.  Cowboys (3-3).  Your mediocrity bores me to death. Your usual drama isn't even interesting anymore. How about you move to L.A.? That might make you interesting for five minutes. Otherwise, Fail. F. 
18.  Dolphins (3-3).  Don't like you. Don't hate you. At least entertain me by making the Jets look dumb this week would you? Pass. C.
19. Eagles (3-3).  Jesus. You guys didn't fail the bye week either? Though you did make a small splash by firing your offensive coordinator that was the understudy defensive coordinator. Might be the first good decision you've made in three or four years. I have no choice but to give you a Pass, though I'd rather have a vasectomy. 
20. Cardinals (4-3).  Finally regressing back to the mean like you're supposed to. Satan must be on vacation with your soul, defiling it in unspeakable ways. Fail. F.
21. Chargers (3-3). Let's see here. You got admirably stomped on the national stage. Then, the local media and the team PR director decided the fans were to blame. If that's not enough, you were caught cheating by using a 30 year old banned substance to what? Catch footballs? No. Must have been so that the receivers could tackle the DB's that were taking interceptions to the house. Then coach decided to shrink the already predictable playbook so that the quarterback could better execute and not fucking suck. The GM demands improvement or he says there will be a "new era" in Chargers football. Surprisingly, coming from his mouth it sounds like he'll be a part of that "new era". Holy fuck! How much fail can you fit into one bye week? BYE WEEKS ARE NOT FOR FUCKING FAILURE! NOT EVEN THE EAGLES FAILED THEIR BYE WEEK YOU FUCKING FAILURES! FAIL. F. FOR FUCKING FAIL!

22. Bengals (3-4).  You are awful. You should be last on this list but there are unfortunately a lot of teams worse than you. But you still fail. F.
23.  Jets (3-4). You're climbing this list and I hate that. I hope gonorrhea runs rampant through your locker room. Fail.
24. Bucs (3-4). A lot of people were making a big deal that Vincent Jackson got chased down from behind on that long touchdown play that wasn't. I heard many people say that that was a sign that we shouldn't have re-signed him. My counter argument? He had 7 catches for 216 yards and a touchdown. Check fucking mate. Fail. 
25. Titans (3-4). Chris Johnson is back! Fantasy owners rejoice! Until Sunday, when like the groundhog, he goes back into his hole. Pail. Yep, second pail of the year.  
26. Bills (3-4). Boy are you awful. Being a fan of your team must feel like being a Charger fan but with slightly less failure. F. Fail. 
27. Cleveland (1-6).  Part of me wants you to be good so that the Chargers have no excuse to back their way back into the AFC West race. But, unfortunately, you're terrible. And spare me the tortured sports city argument. You are horrible people. The whole world hates you because you deserve it. Fail. 
28. Colts (3-3). Promising young quarterback already meeting or even exceeding expectations. What fun it must be to have some excitement in your organization. Unlike the dysfunction and scorn that are reigned down upon our fan base. Pass.
29. Raiders (2-4). I always thought your ineptitude was ruining our rivalry. For years it was. Now it seems like we're the responsible party. Damn you. Damn you to hell. Pass. 

30. Panthers (1-5). Boy, does your quarterback have an entitlement complex. Strange that no one saw that coming. I mean, who could have seen that from a guy that was kicked out of school for theft, was involved in a huge recruiting scandal and has had his character questioned since day one. At least you fired your GM, who was entirely not responsible for that draft pick. I bet Jerry Richardson owns no mirrors. F. Fail. 

31. Chiefs (1-5). Your resurgence will probably start after your bye week (which amazingly, you did not fail either) and will probably peak next week against us. I'll bet the target on our back is HHHUUUUUGGGGEEE! Pass. 
32. Jaguars (1-5). God you're terrible. L.A. deserves you. Fail. F. 

That's it for this week. As you can tell, I'm wildly excited for the team capers this week. What kind of shenanigans can we get into in Cleveland? Stay tuned to find out! No one can script drama like this! 

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