We're back again for this weeks Premature Evaluation, now in more improved POWER Ranking form! As is the norm, all grades are on a mostly pass fail basis, unless of course I feel like being a dick. Seeing as how I pushed this post back an entire day because I wasn't quite ready to finish processing that shit sandwich the Chargers served us Monday night, extra dickatude is highly likely. Off we go...
1. Giants (4-2). And you find yourselves on top huh? Kind of awkward for a permanent bottom like yourselves but I guess you earned your treat. Pass. A.
2. 49ers (4-2). Whipped by prissy nancy boy Eli at home? She took you to the woodshed and shined your ass. Bet you had sore love handles Monday morning. At least now you have something to brag about in the Castro District when your pants are off. Fail. D.
3. Falcons (6-0). I’ve been saying it for weeks and it’s starting to try to come true. You are not for real and Matty Ice started his regression against the Raiderettes. That fall to earth is swift and severe. Pass. C-.
4. Packers (3-3). Whoa guys. Call off the dogs. We didn’t mean to rile you all up and get you playing like you’re capable. Hey look, I’ve got a cold Miller over here and some cheese curds. Just yeah, grab some, we’re good right? Pass. A. Maybe +.
5. Patriots (3-3). I don’t understand how you can rack up 485 yards and lose to the Seahawks. On what planet do you normally lose that game? I still hate you vehemently and almost more so because I can’t figure you out. But you know what? Hearing your fans act like you shit in their Cheerios makes it all worthwhile. That won't earn you a pass however. Fail.
6. Bears (4-1). At least nobody got caught punching their girlfriend or popped for DUI after a post rain making shootout at an east side club. Successful bye week I’d say. Pass.
7 . Texans (5-1). That was embarrassing. I mean, wow. People finally start paying attention to you and your schedule finally resembles something real NFL teams have to navigate, and you got your period and bled all over the national stage in front of everyone. I think that was your tampon string where most people assumed it was your tail between your legs. Fail. F.
8. Ravens (5-1). You’d better stack up on cadavers at the local morgue as it appears that the steroids are finally starting to wreak havoc on the ligaments of your locker room. Torn ligaments and muscles are not rights of passage. Kindly step aside now because your decline will be swift and please do your best to avoid the many innocent people below you that may be harmed by your plummet. Pass. C+.9. Saints (1-4). Bourbon Street rises during the bye week simply because some frauds above you finally played down to their level of competence. I hope you ingested a hurricane or two and fingerbanged a tranny hooker on your week off. That will be the highlight of what’s left of your season. Pass.
10. Seahawks (4-2). Seemingly you lull teams to sleep with that shitshow of an offense you bring to the table each week. Eventually you talked your way back into the bar when you were completely hammered and ordered shots for everyone inside and put them on your buddy’s tab. No one realized it, now it’s too late, you busted town and your buddy’s broke and his girlfriend is pregnant. How the fuck did we get here? No one knows. Pass. B.
11. Vikings (4-2). Steady Eddie football team. Win some games you should, lose some games you should. Wholly unexciting at football are you. Strangely, I think you helped glorify the RGIII deity a little more with that poor tackling performance late in the game. I don’t think you’re good, but you’re certainly not Charger bad so eh, Pail. Yep. You Pail. C.
12..Steelers (2-3). Man do I want to think you’re still a good football team. My heart tells me you are. My brain tells me you’re not. Listen to your brain dickhead. Fail. F.
13. Broncos (3-3). I knew one of two things would happen Monday. Yep, I thought you might make us feel like we’re the overemotional type that compensates with binge eating fearing no one likes us in times of distress. You did exactly that. That kind of damage doesn’t get undone over a bye week. It takes years of therapy and a lot 0f pharmaceuticals. Pass. B.
14. Rams (3-3). I don’t know who your backup quarterback is, but this season right now is way overachieving everyone’s expectations of this team. You need to put Bradford in a kevlar-vest-bubble and pray he can stay healthy. Did you guys see that guy jump out of his balloon from space like 25 miles up this week? Yeah, that’ll be your season with a much less happy landing. Fail.
15. Lions (2-3). Holy shit are you a one trick pony. I guess the Calvin Johnson Offensive Maneuver will work on occasion. Probably only against fierytrainwrecks like Philadelphia. And goddammit, I think I play against Johnson every week in fantasy which is really sucky. You have something to prove outside of being totally mediocre but rather exciting. I don’t think you can shake that image. Better than your stompy violent image but still, not very good. Pass. C+.
16. Redskins (3-3). Crap. What to do with this? The new incarnate of Cam Newton leading the Injuns to the promised land. Unfortunately, you're in the VaGiants division, and ultimately, when there's a little tape on Pippi Longstocking, things will go downhill quickly. And really, we're a couple more concussions away the end of your career. You can't pile those up like scalps anymore without consequences. Pass. B-.
17. Cowboys (2-3). I hope with all of my heart and soul that Jerry Jones fires Jason Garrett. Then and only then will we see the true potential of the fail that "America's Team" can truly produce. Ha. America's Team. If this is "America's Team" America is right and truly fucked forever. Fail. F.
18. Dolphins (3-3). What you are is simple. A good young defense, a gunslinging young quarterback, and a cast off running back that is somehow turning into a great draft pick after years of hindsight. Man, Ireland. You pushed all your chips in and hit the full house. The only problem is ownership is going to expect you to repeat this performance and guess what? You don't win the lottery twice very often. So, you're pretty much fucked. Don't borrow money from the Cubans. Pass. B.
19. Eagles (3-3). Every time I think we've got it bad I look at you. The parallels are eerie. Bad quarterback play behind a bad offensive line led by a terribly incompetent coach? Check. Check. Check. You are fucking awful in every sense. That makes us slightly worse because at least you'll sign high profile free agents. Fuck you for being fodder for our local media tomorrow if anyone reads this comparison. They'll immediately ask, "Well, you don't want to be the Eagles do you?". Answer: fuck and no. But I don't want to be the fucking Chargers either. Suck it sideways. Fail. R-.
20. Cardinals (4-2). Looks like your kicker went drinking with Satan then took Lady Karma inappropriately by the dumpster at the pizza place. Serves you right for leaving the game in the hands of a soccer player. Get fucked. Fail. F-.21. Bengals (3-3). I'd have put you 32nd this week for losing to Cleveland. CLEVELAND YOU FUCKING LOSERS! But then we let Peyton drop trou and rest his sack on our forehead and I realized we play you soon. At the moment, I feel like you beat us handily. So, you're not dead last though you should be. Fail. And big time fail, don't think I'm letting you off the hook. J-.
22. Chargers (3-3). My daughter likes to shit in her car seat. After she's shit, she gets mad that she's sitting in shit and she cries. Nick Canepa believes that good Charger fans aren't allowed to complain when we are sitting in a pile of shit. We're supposed to sit in our shit and actually enjoy it. Except, in his world, we're not sitting in our shit, we're sitting in someone else's shit. Yet, we're still supposed to just fucking like it. That's how delusional our management and media are in this town. They fully believe that mantra. Fortunately, people with an ounce of fucking brainpower think the management and media are fuckwits. Thankfully, Norv will ensure they won't be around much longer. He's fucking immune to greatness. Shit, he's fucking immune to mediocrity. He's fucking awful. Fail. FAIL. I'd give you a ZZ-- but that's too good for you. You fail like George Lucas writing dialogue. You fail like security teams in Benghazi. You fail like Norv Turner led teams have failed throughout history. You fail like fetuses during abortions. Sorry. I'm upset. That was inappropriate.
23. Cleveland (1-5). Oh fuck you Cleveland. You think you're all high and mighty because you won a game? Fuck off. Fail. You beat Cincinnati. As I've told you, Cincinnati is like your better looking older sister who is only 37 pounds overweight and her STD's are treatable. Hardly an upgrade. Fail. F. Fuck you.
24. Bills (3-3). Your most famous alumni is a god damned murderer rotting in jail for a crime that isn't actually murder. You won because Arizona's kicker pissed off Satan. Hardly something to hang your hat on. And, you're fucking awful. Fail. F.
25. Bucs (2-3). Still largely irrelevant. The bye week was good to you. Wait. What? You beat the Chefs? Brady Quinn played quarterback? Never mind. Fail. F.
26. Panthers (1-4). No one cares when you play. No one cares when you don't. Fail.
27. Titans (2-4). Big win over the Steel Curtain. More like the Beef Curtain. Pass. C.
28 . Jets (3-3). God dammit. I hate you. But apparently you're only the 5th worst team in the league and not the worst like I so want you to be. Here's to hoping Tebow can win the starting job sooner rather than later and truly torpedo what's left of your season. PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASPLEASE!!! Pass. D+.
29. Colts (2-4). Oh go get fucked. You only win when people get cancer. Fuck off. No one is going to get cancer voluntarily to save your season. Fail. F.
30. Raiders (1-4) We're quickly coming up on the one week of the year your fans cute little garb doesn't make them look like complete assholes. Only half hearted assholes. Halloween comes and goes. Your idiocy lingers forever. Fail. F.
31. Chiefs (1-5). Blown out by the largely irrelevant Bucs? Brady Quinn quarterback? NFL Fail. Happy things for my heart though. Fail. Q. First Q rating of the year! Wait! Q-!
32. Jaguars (1-4). Even in your absence you look fucking awful. F. F_. Yep. That's an F Underscore. Somehow that seems worse than F-. Go to hell. Or stay in Jacksonville. Same thing.
Well, that was cleansing. I feel a slight bit better after that bit of keyboard diarrhea. And hey, it's still the NFL and there is still gambling! We're almost halfway through this season, don't blink, it'll be February soon and we'll all be miserable again. Suck it Football. Suck it for real.