Thursday, October 18, 2012

Coach Awesome

I was inspired by Nick Canepa's article the other day regarding how fans want the anti-Norv at coach for the Chargers. Now, clearly Nick is being intentionally confrontational. To say the fans want a coach who is the opposite of Norv Turner in every way is just plain silly. Why, if Norv Turner was any good, we'd all love him as our coach. His nasally whine and his stupid face would inspire confidence instead of revulsion. But Turner isn't any good, and therefore most of us want something else. Not necessarily the anti-Norv, just better. Anyway, the whole thing got me thinking about who my ideal coach would be. So I drew this guy.

I think he's pretty sweet. He's 6'8", making him nearly the size of planetlike back spasm enthusiast Jared Gaither. He looks down on Philip Rivers and puts him on timeout when he rants on the sideline. He's got a chiseled, square jaw lined with stubble. Not to hide his ghoulish features, but because stubble is manly as Hell. Here's a few more of my coach's badass coaching features.

1) Tom Landry Hat. A total nod to old school football. The Cowboys are and always have been loathsome, but Tom Landry was an icon, and Coach Awesome recognizes the men who shaped the sport.
2) Cyborg eye. Coach Awesome never misses the details. He scans every play into his cybernetic matrix for analysis, allowing him to learn from mistakes and optimize his playcalling effectiveness. Also gives him superb clock management skills somehow.
3) Jetpack. Because jetpack.
4) Coach Awesome is a physical specimen. Aside from his 6'8" frame, his girth and Grade A musculature make him available to take the field if the situation calls for it. He can easily step in as a Left Tackle or a back-up Left Guard at a moment's notice. He'd start immediately on today's squad.
5) Clipboard.
6) Arm is a T-shirt Cannon. For firing T-shirts into the crowd to rile up the fans or to fire deadly accurate challenge flags.
7) Beer gut. Coach Awesome has a little bit of a beer gut because he knows how to let loose and have fun after a long season of winning and being a Superbowl Champion coach.
8) Cup. Huge cup. Everyone in the locker room knows who's in charge.
9) Already wearing football pants. Prepared.
10) Standing in ankle deep water because I can't draw feet for shit.

So there he is. Coach Awesome. I guess he sort of is the anti-Norv. But way better than Canepa's anti-Norv.


Will Floyd said...

As far as a jaw it needs to be a cower jaw... Right?? And be able to spit on refs from 8ft

CJ said...

I feel like he needs a bullwhip or a flamethrower. Eh, that's probably overkill but really, A.J. wouldn't step to him with a flamethrower. Perhaps it's an add to the tshirt cannon?