Thursday, November 29, 2012

Week 12 Premature Evaluation

And, we're back. Time for the weekly Premature Evaluation. Again, sorry for being late, but sometimes the real job and life takes precedent over the free job that is, while fun and exciting, still unpaid and underappreciated.  However, it's time to grade each team as per usual on a mostly pass fail basis, unless of course you know, I feel like being more of a dick. ONSIDE KICK!!! You never saw that coming...

1.Texans (10-1). I've had just about enough of Texas. You're prominently figured in the book I'm reading. I hate the glory bestowed on your state. Oil, guns, and open container freedom. Wait? Why do I hate you again? Pass.  
2. 49ers (8-2-1). I'm pretty sure a nervous Alex Smith is worse than the regular Alex Smith.  The new guy looks more than competent however. Pass. B+.

3. Giants (7-4).  Oh gee, look who showed up for a week to wax a real team. Now you'll dump to the Cowgirls and fall off the radar yet again. Your game is tired. Pass. A. 
4. Patriots (8-3). Offensively you're resembling 2007. Defensively you're doing the same. You'd think after a while you'd address that defensive thing that continues to fail you in crucial moments. But here we are. Pass. 
5. Packers (7-4). I'm worried that when you get this thing figured out you'll win the Super Bowl. Let's go drinking so I can slip you a mickey and ensure you don't figure it out. Fail. F. 

6. Falcons (10-1). I'm still struggling as to whether you or the Ravens are the bigger lie. I'm going with you for now. F. Amazingly you pass with an F. 
7. Bears (8-3).  I liked you more when Jason Campbell was the quarterback. It's funny that even Bears fans hate Jay Cutler. Enjoy Chicago! If anyone deserves that guy it's you. No really, it is. Pass. C.

8.Broncos (8-3). I'm actually sort of happy because I feel at least like you are somewhat responsible for spurring the change that might occur with our management. But then again, you're still the donkeys and I fucking hate you. Plane crash on three! Ready...THREE!! Pass.
9. Saints (5-6). After all the turmoil and bullshit in the offseason, I admire the way you've still managed to become slightly scary as a football team. That's high praise from me. Pass. I'd not like to face you in the playoffs. Good thing we won't have to.

10. Ravens (9-2). You're a total lie. But, we're totally bigger liars. Fourth and twenty nine. Thanks for making that a permanent part of our legacy, along with the Norv Turner era. That in and of itself makes it almost impossible to be a Charger fan. F. Die.

11. Seahawks (6-5). I want to like you so much. But I'm going to have to settle for hatred. Fail. 

12.Steelers (6-5). You're never going anywhere with Brian Sandwich and Charlie Batch. If you get Rowengartner back soon you might be a contender. He'll probably return when we play you which will be nice. Thanks for that. F. Fail. F. 

13. Redskins (5-6).  You're a good bad team led by Mike Shanahan. I hate you. Die. F. 
14.Colts (7-4). This whole media darling thing with the cancer storyline and the renewal of Peyton Manning's Colts and the Patriots rivalry is manufactured and shitty. I hate it. I'll trade you Philip Rivers and Ryan Mathews for Andrew Luck. Consider it before you say no. Pass. 
15. Bucs (6-5). You're a Doug Martin injury from LaGarrett Blount. Don't get cocky. Pass. 

16. Vikings (6-5). Without Adrian Peterson, you're the Gophers including their epileptic head coach. That's not a good thing. Fail. 
17.   Bengals (6-5). Have mercy on us this week. We're not equipped to stop the Ginger to Green connection. So help me. Pass. 
18. Dolphins (5-6). Laughably futile. You're playing for nothing and it shows. Fail. 

19.Cowboys (5-6). You're schtick is even getting old. Their going to ruin the best thing about this team which is the ineptitude that Garrett and Reauxmeaux bring every week. That will be a sad day. Fail. 

20.  Lions (4-7). I'm starting to like this Suh character. Can we take him off your hands? Philip Rivers and Ryan Mathews are available....think about it....Fail. 
21.Rams (4-6-1). I really feel sorry for you Stephen Jackson. But if you were like everyone else, you'd have forced your way out of there years ago. Your bad. Fail. 

22. Cleveland (3-8). I hate you and I never have to live in Cleveland. That makes me the winner. Fail. 
23. Cardinals (4-7). Looks like the Arizona desert was finally too much for Satan. He took your souls and went home. Woof. Fail. 
24.  Chargers (4-7). Oh fuck you. Fail. 
25. Titans (4-7).  You're only relevant in fantasy circles and only because of Chris Johnson. No. One. Cares. F. Fail. 
26. Eagles (3-8). There is a no Andy Reid rule in my house. I'm working to make it  state law. I swear it cannot happen. Stop trying to dump your walrus on us! Fail. If you dump him on us, you have to take Mathews and Rivers and give us Vick and McCoy also. It's only fair. We basically drafted Vick anyway. Fail. 
27. Bills (4-7). Still more irrelevant than the Jets which seems impossible. F.
28. Jets (4-7). Unfortunately, the hurricane missed. F.
29. Panthers (3-8).  The best thing about you is that new commercial with Cam Newton's child replacement. I love that commercial. F.
30.  Jaguars (2-9). HENNE! HENNE! HENNE! Doesn't have a good ring to it. Fail. 
31. Raiders (3-8). Strangely it feels like Al is still pulling the strings. Good. F.

That's it for this week. As you're aware, the game again is blacked out and likely it's for the best. Don't sweat it, we're here to watch it for you and give you the full play by play of our ineptitude. Let's see what kind of spectacular ways we can shit the bed this week. Go bolts!!

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