So, that being said, we're back! As always it's time to break out my analyst hat (analyst dickheads) and assign grades to each and every team. You know the drill by now, all grades are on a mostly pass fail basis, unless of course I feel like being a dick. Ask AT&T how I feel. Someone in India is still crying, and not because their streets are covered in shit. Thank you come again!
1. AT&T (0-1). Bunch of fuckfaces are you. Ef. Ay. Eye. El. FAIL.
1A. Packers (6-3). Imagine if this team was healthy. Wait. Don't. Don't imagine that at all. Let's get some arsenic in the hotel food shall we? Pass.
2. Texans (8-1). Only because you hurt Jay Cutler do you occupy the number two hole here. Otherwise you just remind me of the number two hole. Pass.
3. Giants (6-4). Oh, spare me the midseason swoon routine. You play against the Cowgirls, Iggles and Injuns. LIke you have anything to prove in that division. But still fail.
4.Patriots (6-3). As if Tom Brady wasn't already wholly unlikeable, he's doing concussion awareness commercials for the NFL. The only concussion he has ever sustained was at the hands of Giselle as his dome was assaulted by their headboard while she worked him over with her strap on. True story. I read it on the internets. Pass. C.
5. 49ers (6-2-1). A tie? To the Rams? Seriously? It's hard enough to put aside my hatred and bias against you and then you play a full NFL game to a tie. You should lose draft picks for putting me through that. Fuck you failures.
6.Falcons (8-1). Atlanta Fraudcons. TO LEGIT TO QUIT! TO! LEGIT! TO LEGIT TO QUIT! M.C. Hammer has more credibility than you. Which I have to admit is awesome. Fail. F. That may be to with two o's. Don't care.
7. Bears (7-2). Hi Jason Campbell! Good luck saving the season! At least you can quit your side job of shoveling driveways in Gary, Indiana now that you're a starter again! Yay! Oh, and fail.
8.Broncos (6-3). I saw a guy wearing an Ed McCaffrey jersey on my airplane yesterday. I was so torn with wanting the plane to crash for punishment for that behavior, and you know, living. I'm truly impressed with my strength to not root for plane crash. That's DISCIPLINE! Pass.
9.Seahawks (6-4). The kindest thing I can say about you is that Russell Wilson isn't Trent Dilfer. That's saying a lot. Pass.
10. Saints (4-5). Now that you're back to your just interim head coach, you've managed to build momentum from your victory over us. Had I the power to control hurricanes, another would be bearing down on your village as we speak. I'm going to go start my truck and let it run idle just in case global warming is real. Pass.
11. Steelers (6-3). Well, well, well. Apparently Ben nearly died. So many players are nearly dying anymore (see: Amendola, Danny) it's the new black. We'll see if you can hang on with Bryon Sandwich until Ben is off life support. Pass. D.
12. Ravens (7-2). Lying bunch of liars. See you at about spot 19 next week. Good time to catch your division rival and superior team when their starting quarterback looks like he ate the real starting quarterback. Pass. C.
13. Vikings (6-4). Boy. Adrian Peterson is the only likable thing about you. You are clearly not going to make up your mind as to whether you're a good team or not. I think not. Pass. C. God Damned C students. Super Dickheads.
14. Lions (4-5). To call you disappointing would be an understatement. However, that disappointment brings me so much pleasure. Here's to you Lions! Life is good and normal when you suck! Hooray for suck. Fail. F for execution, A for suck.
15. Redskins (3-6). Let me be clear about this. Until RGIII, the only thing people cared about was how insensitive your team name was. We're back to talking about your team name. Not a good sign. F. Fail.
16. Dolphins (4-5). Max and I shared this exchange tonight. Max: "So, Miami sucks some." Me: "They are the Minnesota Chargers of the east." Case closed. Fail. F.
17. Rams (3-5-1). You deserve credit for not losing to the 49ers. Except you tied. You deserve no credit for that. You're the fat easy girl in the bar at 12:45. Anyone can get to you. But they're usually to drunk to put you away. Fail. F.
18. Colts (6-3). Seriously leveraging cancer to death aren't you? Arizona would like to have a word with you about ruining their relationship with Satan. Pass.
19. Bucs (5-4). You probably think you're special after that victory last week. Newsflash dickheads, you beat us. Us isn't good. In fact, without us being us, you lose handily. Pass. D-.
20. Cowboys (4-5). You're an embarrassment to the sport. But you're entertaining as hell. Pass. D.
21.Eagles (3-6). I swear to holy hell, if you package up that incompetent walrus and send him our way to coach our team next year, there will be hell to pay. I will strap knives to crossbow arrows and shoot them out of a flamethrower at you forever.
22. Bengals (4-5). I'm firmly in the camp that you are underachievers. That's no compliment. You are tigers without bite or balls. Pass. B-.
23. Cleveland (2-7). I'm still bitter about the loss from two weeks ago. There's nothing I'm going to say that will be constructive here. Luckily, you don't do anything that resembles a professional football team constructively for that matter. So there. Fail.
24. Cardinals (4-5). You are entertaining in your awfulness. You'd think after all these years you'd address the offensive line issues that are, well, offensive. Instead you drafted a receiver in the first round that reminds me of the guy that Seattle drafted which is weird. Your deal with the devil has apparently expired. But, you have the Falcons on tap, who we all know are a lie. Enjoy upset Sunday. Fail.
25. Titans (4-6). The only reason people pay attention to you is to check Chris Johnson's fantasy stats. That's a sad place to be.
26. Chargers (4-5). No one checks our fantasy stats. Our quarterback has clearly been taken up by zombies and is no longer himself. Our coach however is. Blah, blah, blah. I'm sick of writing the same thing for years on end. I have better ways to waste my time. I have cable and internet providers to yell at in India. To say fail is an insult to failures. But, Fail.
27. Bills (3-6). You are the ultimate futile team. Everything you do is a colossal waste of time. Even when you win, you lose, which isn't often. The winning part that is. Fail. F.
28. Jets (3-6). Here you are still entertaining me with how horrible you are. Unfortunately, your owner is starting to realize it and change is on the horizon. Such a sad day in my home to know they are committed to turning this trainwreck around. Fail. F.
29. Panthers (2-7). Boring. Fail.
30. Raiders (3-6). Wow. The Ravens took you to the woodshed and violated you like your dead owner violated contracts. I doubt you enjoyed that again but at the same time, you're used to it. Things you're used to become less painful over time. Fail.
31. Chiefs (1-8). The only thing you did right was kill the Ben. That cannot erase your entire fail of a season. F. Fail. F.
32. Jaguars (1-8). They still haven't announced your move to L.A.? Color me shocked. And, a lot of people speak ill of the Chefs, but you are clearly the class of the worst in the league. Hang your hat on that. Fail.
Again, I apologize for the delay. It will not occur again, as long as AT&T doesn't smear peanut butter on themselves and enjoy their dog in inappropriate ways again. Oh, and peruse the archives. Those around here that write this content predicted a losing streak that started with Tampa and lasts five weeks. We're embarking on week two. Keep your eyes open and your beers cold. You'll need both. Happy football everybody.