First things first, the game is blacked out and that is a shame. I think this game is going to go down as a brutal reminder that no one is our bitch anymore. Not Peyton Manning and not the road Ravens. Don't expect a rout like last season. Well, you probably do expect that. Most Chargers fans seem to think that team-the one that showed up for one game against the Ravens last year- is the real team. That is not your team. Your team is the one who can really only beat the awful Chiefs with any amount of consistency. Your real team folds in the face of adversity and bows down to any team with a winning record and some without. And you should all want the Ravens to murder us. Last year's Ravens game went a long way towards saving Norv and AJ. We cannot have that again. We cannot afford to have either one of those men anywhere near this team after this season and any wins down the line might be enough to at least save AJ. Of course, it's my opinion that both of them should be fired now, just avoid any uncomfortable decision making after we are officially eliminated from contention. Everyone else tells me that you clearly wouldn't fire either man until after the season, but the reasoning behind that sentiment appears to be "Because. Duh." Hard to argue with that.
Anyway, as the season winds down into nothingness earlier than it has in a long time around here, let's talk about the future of some of the local boys. Not Norv and AJ, they're already dead to me. But what might the future hold for some of the men in uniform?
Philip Rivers - Oh man, up yours, Philip Rivers. Get another "L" for your name, it's wierd looking, with one "L," like your delivery. How have you gotten so bad? Did Norv tell you to do it? I've stuck up for you. I've made excuses for you. No more. You are awful. Two years ago, no one would have thought we'd need to look for ole One-Ell's replacement, but now I say you can't get the heir apparent in here fast enough, because it ain't gonna be...
Charlie Whitehurst - What do you do, Charlie Whitehurst? What does it say on your business card. It can't say Quarterback on there. I mean, Philip's over there stinking up the joint and no one's even calling your name. Yeah, sure, people say in passing "I guess we could put in Whitehurst and see what happens," but no one is chanting your name or waving your banner. They chanted for Brady Quinn in KC. You're not even Brady Quinn! We gave you to another team and they gave you back! Just quit it, Whitehurst. Quit standing there. Go home. Everybody knows you sold your helmet to buy Garbage Pail Kids anyway.
Jared Gaither - Haha, just kidding. There's no such person as Jared Gaither. He's a ghost. Like Kaiser Soze. Those who claim to have seen him assure me he is an enormous man, but they are probably crazy. Dude's just not real.
Ryan Mathews - Shouldn't you have another "T" in your name? What is going on with this team and all it's missing letters? Anyway, Mathews, pretty much everyone is calling you this season's biggest disappointment, but I'm here to tell you that it isn't your fault. Running backs do not thrive in Norv Turner's ideal offense. Running backs need to go sit in the corner and shut up so Philip can shotput the ball to whomever is catching passes for us this week. LaDainian Tomlinson, who was once and often referred to by this unpaid writer as TBE (the best ever), wilted in Turner's offense. Darren Sproles never reached his true potential under Norv-but he did get to meet Ray Lewis once! My point is, Norv doesn't know what to do with you. You're a mystery to him. He sometimes doesn't even know if you're on the field. The fact is, you might actually be the best running back in the league, but we'll never know for sure. You never had a chance.
Robert Meachum - Fuck off, Robert Meachem. No offense. What do your business cards say? Do you go to the same guy as Whitehurst to get them done? Good job not getting any DUIs yet, I guess.
Danario Alexander - Settle down, Champ. You're making everyone else look bad. And you're making AJ look good, which is really bad. Aren't you paying attention? We can't take any chances with that guy, so go ahead and drop a couple of balls or something. But stick around, cause I have a feeling we're going to be needing you down the road.
Atari Bigby - Solid name. Killer look. Jamaican Voodoo Posse in full effect. It's not racist, it's Predator 2 with Danny Glover. Anyway, learn to tackle. You have arms, would it kill you to use them once in a while?
Quentin Jammer - Well, Jammer is getting closer and closer to being moved to Safety I think, and the only good thing that will come of that is that people will stop telling me that they need to move Jammer to Safety. That, and Jammer know how to use his arms to tackle ATARI BIGBY! Our corners are going to get shredded weekly when they finally make this move.
Eric Weddle, Donald Butler, Shaun Phillips - You guys are cool.Way to rock two "L"s Phillips.
So there you have it. Some content. It's not great, but it's something. Have fun not watching the game. You know, unless your are a criminal! Criminals! The FBI is looking for you.
My prediction - Ravens 52, Bolts 24.
I'm going to leave all with this picture of a bottle of Melinda's hot sauce that somebody left at my house. If you are reading this and you are the person who left this at my house, you cannot have it back. It is mine now, I keep it. Everybody else should go buy some, because it is yummy and will make you feel better.
So good.
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