Your Season So Far: A Retrospective: Things Are Looking Up: We Got This: Charger Time!

I’ve really neglected this site. I’m aware of it. And I’m sorry. I’m not going to make excuses, but I have some excuses I’d like to offer up in case you’re into that.

There was an election. Elections are important. If you are not grinding your teeth and perusing every available piece of information in order to make an informed decision on election day, then you might as well move to Communist Britain because you are no American! I studied a lot. And I learned a lot. For instance, did you know that propositions are not just for hookers? True story.  Anyway, I don’t know if anything I voted for happened, but I feel better than anyone that didn’t vote and being better than other people is as American as liposuction.

Another thing that kept me from contributing to this blog is how hard I’ve been working. At winning the lottery. I’ve been buying tickets so hard. It’s like a full time job. And I’ve always heard that you get from your job what you put into it. So I expect a check from the state for $173 any day. That’s how the lottery works, right? Fucking Ponzi scheme.

Thirdly, I just turned old o’ clock on the life calendar so I forget a lot of stuff now. Like the URL for this blog. Or how Facebook works. I’ve spent the last couple of weeks just sitting out in front of my house in a bath robe drinking coffee and staring. It’s still coffee even if you top it off with Ten High.

All of those things considered, it’s not like I’m totally disconnected from our beloved Chargers. I, like many of you, saw Norv and Co. save the season a couple of Thursdays ago with a dominating performance against the Chiefs. It was too dominating! Anyway, with that great comeback story the first half of the season came to a close. Eight games in the books and I figured what better way to hail my triumphant return to owning the internet than by going over the first half off the season with in depth game by game analysis. So let’s try that and see if it works*.

Week 1 - Chargers @ Raiders

I think at this point most people just remember that we dismantled the Raiders on opening night. It’s like they didn’t even show up, which is partially true. Their best receiver didn’t show up, which was huge for us because even Cason is probably only gonna get burned once or twice by the other team’s third best guy. Honestly, go back and look at film. Cason put on a clinic on not getting burned too often by a mediocre receiver. And then there was the Raiders’ long snapper, who showed up, but then went home sick. Seriously, dude, just stay home. Don’t come in and work for an hour and then be all “Sorry I gotta bail. My head feels funny.” Everybody in the office knows you’ve been drinking and if you’d just called in to begin with we could’ve called a temp, but now Gene from accounting has to snap the ball and we’re going to lose the big account. Thanks, Alchie. Thanks for nothing.

Final Analysis: Crushing it. Superbowl bound!

Week 2 – Titans @ Chargers

Home opener. And a grudge match. You all remember that one time that one Titan stepped on Antonio Gates’ hand, right? Yeah, well this time it was personal. Antonio kept his hands off the ground and this game was never in doubt. Unless you count the second and thhird quarters where Philip and Co. decided not to do anything and see if the Titans had the balls to do anything about it. Stupid Titans! We knew you didn’t have it in you. Here, have a clearly intentionally thrown interception! What are you gonna do with it? Nothing. Game over. 

I felt the most exciting thing about this game was that it proved what I’d only suspected while watching the Raiders game. That after several years of shiftless Norvism, this team had finally decided to cultivate an identity. Team That Never Puts Anyone Away if They Can Help it. Not the identity I’d have gone with, but it’s nice to know this team plans to do something consistently for once.

Final Analysis. What do you mean we didn’t put the Titans away? Scoreboard! Getting fitted for our Superbowl gowns!

Week 3 – Cheating ass Falcons @ San Diego

The Falcons are cheating cheaters and they know what they’ve done. I’m not sure how they’re doing it, but there’s no way that team is undefeated without cheating. Matt Ryan is as boring as his name. Roddy White? I had Roddy White on my fantasy team last year and I can tell you that there is no doubt he is a terrible person who probably runs some sort of underground baby wresting ring. Bare knuckle! Michael Turner? Look, people in San Diego love Turner because they can’t get their heads out of their pasts, but Turner is old and not very good. I don’t care if he led the NFC in rushing last year, I’m pretty sure not one of those yards did his team any good.  He’s the worst short yardage short yardage guy in the league. So yeah, the Falcons are cheating.

This was also the game where Ryan Mathews tried to sabotage our offense by not getting out of his own way again. Is this guy trying to promote his personal Fumbler brand sports apparel line? Seriously, we are scientifically advance enough to grow an ear on someone’s arm; We can’t get Mathews a couple of extra fingers?

Final Analysis – We’re not going to let some stupid cheaters ruin our glorious coming out party. Owning the AFC.

Week 4 – Chargers @ Chiefs

Honest to God, I don’t even remember this game happening. Did we really already play the Chiefs twice? I think we were kind of winning a lot, and then they kind of looked like they might come back, but then we kind of handled it. Is that right? Geez, 37-20? I guess we killed them. Wait, of course we killed them! Chargers!

Final Analysis – Um, good?

Week 5 – Chargers at New Orleans

The week we learned to miss the replacement refs. So, Antonio Gates is pretty much Rodney Harrison now, right? The refs are just going to assume he did something wrong at the worst possible time for us and throw the flag. I’m calling it right now. Tony Gonzalez retires and Gates goes to the cheating Falcons and wins three rings.

Anywho, the Bolts never stood a chance in this game. The league was never going to let the ultimate shrimpy good guy, Drew Brees, go 0-5. And they certainly weren’t going to allow him to fall to the team that wronged him so badly that he had to settle for making hundreds of millions of dollars and the adoration of millions of fans in New Orleans rather than sit on our bench for five years like some stupid Billy Volek. I mean, I hate AJ Smith, but I don’t have a reason that good.

This was also the game that cemented one of the many onion like layers of our new identity where one big play or call that goes against us makes us too sad to keep playing. It’s depression, people, and it’s a disease.

Final Analysis – Sometimes even 0-4 teams get lucky. Especially when the stupid refs are in the bag for Drew Brees and his stupid face. We shall overcome!

Week 6 - Broncos @ Chargers

Okay, so this game was a tie, right? We beat them up for a half, they beat us up for a half. No team played better than the other team for any more than 30 minutes. Tie. This is what’s wrong with the NFL. Anybody can clearly see what the outcome should have been, but the NFL insists on going by the archaic notion of points scored. This game was a tie. Ask any pop warner squad. What kind of message are we sending to the children?

Also, I know a lot of people felt like that fumble by Rivers was a forward pass, but I have to disagree. The rules are very clear that when something happens on the field that maybe there is some way to interpret it and if the ball comes out but the quarterback didn’t get hit in the head and the defense doesn’t follow through to the ground. Fumble. Conversely, if the quarterback is blindsided but the defender deflects the ball, but there is an illegal shift which cancels out too many men on the field? Possibly touchdown. It’s simple rulebook stuff.

Final Analysis – The Universe and the league are conspiring against us. But we’ve got something the Universe only sort of has because he’s in it, but he’s on our side. Genius. Norv.

**

Week 9 - Chiefs @ Chargers

Salvation! Hey league, up yours! These Chargers do not lose to the team with the worst recoed in the league three times in one year, am I right?! This game was special in that our selfless offense stepped aside and let our oftened maligned (scapegoated) in the local media defense dictate the game in the second half. I’m not kidding, the offense couldn’t wait to get off the field and let the D strut their stuff. And the D did not Disappoint.

This was also the game that proved the Chiefs should kill themselves.

Final Analysis – We’re back, baby! Why have we not put Superbowl tickets on sale yet? Seems like poor planning. But hey, this team is focused on the now.

So, there you have it. Half the season in the books and the Bolts are in the drivers seat. Next stop, Tampa Bay, and I like our chances. I mean, who the hell is Doug Martin? 250 something yards? Big whoop. Adrian Peterson ran for nearly 300 on us in his rookie season. Call us when you’ve done something worth talking about. And Vincent Jackson? Um, we know Vincent Jackson. We know he likes to disappear for games at a time. Let’s put Cason on him and make it interesting. And Josh Freeman? Hey buddy, your “I throw a lot of touchdowns and not a lot of interceptions” schtick is getting old. There are more important things than stats when it comes to being a future Hall of Famer. Making weird faces, for instance. Learn to make a funny face, rookie, and then we’ll talk. What, Freeman’s not a rookie? That can’t be right.

Anyway, by my estimation, this season is right on track. It’s another lovely Norvember in San Diego and the forecast calls for Superbowls!

Too much sarcasm? I felt like it was pretty good. Let me know, I could use the validation. Thanks for coming. Go Bolts!!!

* Personally, I find that if I’m getting bored while reading a blog entry but it’s written by a friend so I feel obligated to finish it, I’ll go look at porn between paragraphs to break up the monotony. Feel free to do that if this post sucks; I won’t take it personally. It sometimes takes me three or four days to read CJ’s posts and I’m sure he’s cool with that.

** Apparently, we also played the Browns.