Sunday, December 02, 2012

Don't Even Think About It, Shark!

A 61 year-old Oregon man was bitten by a Tiger Shark while snorkeling in Hawaii over the weekend and that is not okay with me. No, shark! Bad shark! We are in charge! People! You cannot just be going around eating or even sampling people as if it is not a bid deal. I assure you it is a very big deal, so just don't. And tell all the bears as well, because bears are just awful at following rules. Even the most simple rules, like "Don't Eat People." That's one very simple to interpret rule. It's not the tax code.

All that being said, people need to stop going places where things might eat them. There is no good reason to be in the ocean ever. Shut up, surfers! You do not even get to give an opinion, because only surfers have ever told a reporter that yes, they had seen the Great White Shark swimming around all week AND ACTING AGGRESSIVELY, but were surprised that it actually made the uncouth decision to eat one of them. That statement renders everything else you say invalid, surfers! If I saw a Great White shark swimming around the first thing I'd assume is that it is town to eat people and it's not leaving until it's eaten it's fill...of people! I watch Shark Week in the mirror from another room, just to be safe. So quit going in the ocean. There's nothing there for you. It's dark and scary and not even heated! Nobody has ever been eaten by a shark in their swimming pool. I just asked Siri to be sure and she said she didn't understand the question, presumably because the idea of someone getting eaten by a shark in their pool is preposterous!

Also, never go in the woods! Never! That's where bears are! Do you know anything about bears? Let me fill you in on a fun fact about bears. They don't always eat people, but when they do, those people are almost always being eaten alive. No joke. Look up bear attacks online and be amazed and horrified by how regularly people are on the phone with their loved ones delivering all the grizzly details of the terrifying death they are involved in at the time. See what I did there with the word grizzly? Classic punnage. Bears are cocksuckers. Here's a free pro tip for all you stupid people that can't wait to go camping and won't shut up about it on the Facebook. If your campground has a sign that says 'Don't feed the bears' or please secure your food so bears won't get it' then you should leave. Because that is a strong indicator that there might be bears around. Bears love woods, so don't go there. I cut down the tree in my front yard because I was concerned that it sent a message to bears that I want them to come around and hang out in front of my place and try to resist the urge to eat me. That's a losing proposition.

Never go to Australia. Everything in Australia will kill you. You've probably heard this. You've probably joked around with your friends about how things in Australia will totally fuck you up, but stop joking. It's serious. Everything there will kill you! Here's a short list of things in and around Australia that will kill you:

1) Sharks
2) Box Jellyfishes (Ugh, fuck box jellyfishes!!!)
3) Funnel Web Spiders
4) Crocodiles
5) Black Mamba Snakes
6) Serial Killers
7) Probably some sort of colorful frog

It took me 8 seconds to come up with those off the top of my head and there are a million more. England or some European country originally populated Australia with all of their criminals because they were like, this place is worse than a prison. It is full of shit that will kill you. Let's put these assholes here and never speak of this place again. Every dumb teenager goes "Oh, I want to go to Australia and smoke a bunch of weed" and they should because teenagers are the worst and probably should go to Australia and get devoured by some horrible man-eating weed, but if you make it past being a teenager, just cross it off of your list unless you have some crazy death wish.

Here's some other places you should avoid:

1) The Arctic -Polar bears, Wolves (fucking wolves, dude!)
2) Hawaii-Duh, sharks and volcanoes!
3) West Virginia-Mutant cannibal rednecks (the worst besides teenagers)
4) Remote Private Islands-Sadistic Billionaires who want to hunt the deadliest game

Pretty much if you leave your home or office you are just asking nature to bitchslap you with a horrible death. Don't do it.

Bengals 27, Bolts 13

No comments: