Sweet Fucking Jesus Pete impaled on a popsicle stick. Each week comes with high expectations and each week ends in utter disappointment. I'm at a loss to even be able to quantify disappointment at this point, expectations be damned, there are no more expectations. I'm trying out a new feature, the Dejected Photo of the Week, or DPW from here on out...
This debacle, this utter failure on every level of the playing field, throughout the clubhouse, up into the coaching ranks and as far as the higher ups sitting on their golden thrones is a reality. This is not a small blip on a radar screen that can be easily wiped away with a victory. No. This is a sinking ship. This ship is burning, horrifyingly exploding on every level, and all of those in the Captain garb are sitting calmly asking us to be patient. The life boats will arrive, and there will be a plenty, plenty for all, but the ship isn't sinking. No it's fine. Ignore the flaming exploding shrapnel and toe the line. A 12 point favorite, the Bolts were destroyed by 14 points on their home field by a team that is widely regarded as a cellar dwelling, Strahan mouthed, troll whore who'd sell her soul for a Marlboro and a Natural Light. If you told me I could have KC and Hermy Edwards -13.5 in San Diego, I'd have kidnapped and bet Tom Cruise's Super Cult Baby on it. I'd be taking on the entire Alien World at that point so you'd figure it's a lock. Apparently not so much.
The crowd on Sunday so much as chanted Marty's name as the curtain was a raging flaming, falling catastrophe. To them I say, fuck you cocksucking idiot assholes. Don't try to convince me you weren't the ones calling for his severed head to be displayed on A.J.'s regal sceptor. And now, now you want him back? Go fuck yourselves.
Where is the failure mostly falling? Nick sure as shit doesn't know. He has some ideas. Clearly, the defense is partially to blame, so Ted, you're on fucking notice. Obviously the players aren't doing the job with defending the goal line, so again, chalk that up to the players, and perhaps the new system. The corners are doing their best Travis Henry impression and couldn't cover their dicks with a condom of late. And there is still that matter of the missing linebacker who seemed to be all over the fucking place wearing red on Sunday. I'm looking at you on that one A.Jenius. Top to bottom, fucking failure.
Offense? The quarterback has played slightly less than inspired football. I'd say he ranks right between "Sucks Shit Out of Prisoners" and "Rex Grossman". Let's not let that overshadow the smiting of The Best Ever by the Pockmarked Offensive Guru.
And then there was the enigma that is Vinny Jack, where this guy has gotten all of his credibility is beyond me, he and Termel Sledge must have naked pictures of both Kevin Towers and A.J.'s daughters involved in some slutty girls gone wild threesome.
Since we are working on new features, we're also going to have the new, "Conversations From the Heart". These are actual musings heard during the course of the game. Overheard on Sunday when Norvy grabbed a cheekful of pits after yet another calamity:
"Sweet fucking mercy, once a loser, always a FUCKING LOSER."
Kind of hard to debate the merits and accuracy of that statement as the record column became yet another point richer in the Loss line.
Madden Prognostication Station
This week, the Madden Game Generator had this thing pinned right on. Kansas City came out throwing and in the later stages never looked back. Final score 26-10. Who'd have fuckin' known?
And finally. Without any reason or necessity except for consoling those around here mourning the potential collapse of a Super Power, CHEERLEADERS GOD DAMMIT!!!
And now it's Donkey Week as well...