It looks the Bolts will stick their regularly appointed schedule this weekend and I couldn’t be happier. Say so long to the bye week and hello to recovery. That’s right, bitches, we’re America’s Team now!!! Screw you New Orleans, you had your chance.
Unfortunately, however, we play the Houston Texans this weekend and that makes it hard for me to analyze this game in depth. If we were talking about the Oilers, that would be a different story. Warren Moon. Now there was a non-threatening black man you could set your watch to. Played a number of years for Oh Canada! as I recall.
As far as these Texans (and I believe the “x” is pronounced like an “h” but I’m not certain) I’m not sure what to tell you. They gained quite a reputation for passing on “maybe awesome,” “possibly just okay in big boy football” Reggie Bush and “the smartest man in the world for holding out of training camp and into the season” Jamarcus Russell. The Tehans are being picked by many-at 3-4 no less-to be the sleeper team of the year, which tells you quite a bit about the talent disparity in the NFL this year. They may be starting Sage Rosenfels over the banged-up Matt Shaub this week. What? Makes me feel like sitting down with a nice bottle of wine and making some sound financial investments. The long and the longer of it is this: I don’t know who the fuck these guys are, but I know we’re way better than them. Problem is, as far as lifting the city’s spirits go, San Diego teams bat around the Mendoza line at best. The most likely scenario would be that we beat this team from Houston for three quarters, they make a miraculous comeback, and our kicker manages to miss what would have been his 8th field goal of the day.
Pish posh, I jest. We’re going to murder that team. We will redirect all of our fiery hatred of fire onto them. Chargers 38, Tehans 10. Burn! By the way, fire sucks, but would you rather deal with fire or that shit that went down in Arachnophobia? I mean, sure fire burns down your house, but it doesn’t jump out of a cereal box or climb down your wet, naked body in the shower. That’s a real brain buster right there.
As for the rest of the games, I pick the Colts and Patriots to slaughter whoever the hell they’re playing, and I’m not quite ready to start picking all the games yet, but I will definitely being doing so for the second half of the season. Unless I’m not. Hot girl!
One last thing; Let the record show that I am fully against playing regular season games overseas. Let the Limeys screw off for all I care. They have their own “football.” It’s not our fault it sucks. What’s next, Germany? Then the Nazis will truly have won. We already have the Pro Bowl in Hawaii, isn’t that enough? Go Bolts!!!